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KJVReader. Here is what Dr. Harley says about situations like yours. Sometimes a wayward spouse settles into a routine of having his or her cake and eating it too. In an effort to win the wayward spouse back, the betrayed spouse meets emotional needs that the lover cannot meet, while the lover meets emotional needs that the betrayed spouse has not learned to meet. While this competition is excruciatingly painful to the betrayed spouse, and the lover as well, the wayward spouse basks in the warmth of being loved and cared for by two people, with no real motivation to choose one over the other.
So, to avoid an indefinite period of suffering while a wayward spouse vacillates between spouse and lover, and to avoid rewarding the selfish behavior of having needs met by both spouse and lover, if plan A does not work within a reasonable period of time, I recommend plan B.
Plan B is for the betrayed spouse to avoid all contact with the wayward spouse until the affair has completely ended and the wayward spouse has agreed to my plan for recovery. Here is a link to the entire article What are Plan A and Plan B
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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No, WH is not superior/inferior.
Just about WH's whole family knows. OW's husband knows (and I think her parents do--but don't seem to be interested in discouraging things).
My SIL has tried to talk a bit of sense into him. Thing is he gets stubborn and she can only convey so much to him at once before he stops listening. She says he thought it had it figured out--but did not anticipate that he would be wrong about how I really felt about him, so now he's conflicted. I'm sure you've been given this by now. Please follow it. Melodylane's 101 Exposure
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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How would I implement plan B if necessary, seeing as how I'm not going to deny him seeing our son?
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So sorry you have a need to be here, KJV, but you couldn't have landed in a better place than you are right now. You've said some things, and have been asked about these things and have yet to answer. Among them..... She's divorcing her husband and from what I've heard he's rather violent, and I do not want my son in that situation...not to mention I do NOT want the OW around my son! I think everyone where he works knows. That kind of place, something like that is just something else to talk about. As far as workplace, I already know they're being talked about there. The OW's husband already knows about the affair and is pretty mad. In fact he told the OW that when my husband leaves her he'll sit back and laugh. OW's husband knows (and I think her parents do--but don't seem to be interested in discouraging things). There's more I could put in here, but you get the point. The question is exactly how do you know all this? Because if all this "info" came from your WH it's nothing more than a desperate attempt to convince you that everyone already knows and to keep you from shining the light of day on his adultery. Don't believe a word he says for the near future. He has morphed into one the best liars you'll run across for some time to come. Just get to work on your exposure plan, then do it. Don't be afraid of losing him because of exposure. What you need to understand and accept is that you've already lost him. He's already living with his Soul Mate Shmoopie! How much more could you lose? Now it's a matter of what you are willing to do to get him back.
Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Thing is I have not *totally* lost him. No papers have been filed so far that I know of, despite her nagging him to do so. He still visits and still hugs and kisses me. He says he doesn't want to burn bridges.
I used to work where he does, and it's entirely believable that everyone knows, since that place is a huge gossip mill. In fact he was telling me that they were seeing him with his sister (which I know for a fact he was with his sister) and saying that he was cheating on me...but later I learned they thought he was cheating on me *and* the OW.
Last edited by KJVReader; 04/17/12 07:29 PM.
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Of course he doesn't want to burn bridges. He wants both of you.
Possibly three of you, if there's an OW2.
He is getting things from you and things from her and he does not want to cut that off!
You have lost him. The real him. The real him has been abducted by an alien who wants nothing but cake, cake, cake, for ME ME ME.
The real him CAN come back but you're going to have to be tough.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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Thing is I have not *totally* lost him. No papers have been filed so far that I know of, despite her nagging him to do so. He still visits and still hugs and kisses me. He says he doesn't want to burn bridges.
I used to work where he does, and it's entirely believable that everyone knows, since that place is a huge gossip mill. In fact he was telling me that they were seeing him with his sister (which I know for a fact he was with his sister) and saying that he was cheating on me...but later I learned they thought he was cheating on me *and* the OW. I never said or implied that you have totally lost him. I simply threw out a fact that you can't deny. And you still haven't answered the question that has been asked by me and others. Do you want help in busting up this affair and getting your husband back or not? If you're looking for a chat board to commiserate, then you've picked the wrong board on this website. If you're looking for a solution to this crap you're having to deal with and an action plan to give your marriage the best chance at recovery, well, then you have the right board. I know you are hurt and terrified of what has been going on in your life. But you must understand that this website is about a proven methodology that gives you the best chance of recovering your marriage. But it's up to you whether or not to implement the tools that are here. The folks on your thread can only do so much. It's entirely up to you to listen, learn, and implement.
Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Yes, I would love to break up the affair. But I am quite certain that just about everyone where he works knows about it (that place is quite the gossip mill).
Obviously I've never been through this hell before. I am so scared of losing him permanently. I love him deeply.
He does seem to give me "hints" as to how to attract him back, as strange as it sounds. He once demonstrated to me about a week ago how he likes to be kissed, for example. He's flat-out told me when he likes certain things. He compliments me when I wear something he really likes.
I am so confused....
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Yes, I would love to break up the affair. But I am quite certain that just about everyone where he works knows about it (that place is quite the gossip mill).
Obviously I've never been through this hell before. I am so scared of losing him permanently. I love him deeply.
He does seem to give me "hints" as to how to attract him back, as strange as it sounds. He once demonstrated to me about a week ago how he likes to be kissed, for example. He's flat-out told me when he likes certain things. He compliments me when I wear something he really likes.
I am so confused.... KJV, welcome to Marriage Builders. Your best hope lies in officially exposing the affair. If the affair is officially exposed, people will take action. But people are not going to take action on baseless gossip. And that is all it is when you don't officially expose the truth. By not telling the true story, you allow the affairees to to spin the story to others. On the other hand, if you expose the affair using the talking points in the thread in my signature, people tend to take action on your behalf. Exposure is the most potent weapon you have in saving your marriage. And you should not be chasing your husband. That makes you very unattractive and very unlikely to win him back. Your best strategy is to stop chasing him and cut off all contact until he will end his affair. You make it less likely he will come back by allowing him to contact you.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The funny thing is, one of the things that first attracted him to me was a bit of pursuit to begin with.... *scratches head*
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But I am quite certain that just about everyone where he works knows about it (that place is quite the gossip mill). This tells me you are not at all certain, but just want to believe so. Don't fall into that trap. It's a painful one. Obviously I've never been through this hell before. I am so scared of losing him permanently. I love him deeply. I know you do, and I'm quite sure everyone here believes the same, otherwise you wouldn't be here searching for answers. He does seem to give me "hints" as to how to attract him back, as strange as it sounds. He once demonstrated to me about a week ago how he likes to be kissed, for example. He's flat-out told me when he likes certain things. He compliments me when I wear something he really likes. No ma'am, this is classic cake eating at it's finest. He knows you are terrified of losing him and he's playing this card to the hilt. You are pretty much allowing him to control you just like a string puppet. And why? Because he knows he can. You need to relieve him of that power. Full exposure will accomplish that. Don't believe me? Go read some threads on this board. The proof is there. You just gotta have faith in the MB concepts. They DO work! If you use them
Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
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He does seem to give me "hints" as to how to attract him back, as strange as it sounds. He once demonstrated to me about a week ago how he likes to be kissed, for example. He's flat-out told me when he likes certain things. He compliments me when I wear something he really likes.
I am so confused.... KJVReader. This actually does not seem strange at all. It is typical "cake eater" behaviour. He is enjoying having TWO women meeting his needs. He has no reason to choose either of you because, with this arrangement, he thinks he has died and gone to heaven. Do a stellar Plan A while preparing for Plan B. Show him how good things can be with you. No love busters or angry outbursts. Here is a link for Plan B. This where you cut off your supply of the cake and focus on recovering yourself. how to Plan B CORRECTLYIt is important that you understand Plan B and are committed to it. Read over the link and ask questions. Remember Plan A until you push the Plan B button.
Last edited by pokerface; 04/17/12 08:44 PM. Reason: fix name
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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To add: Focus on the threads of posters that actually listen and go FULL nuclear exposure, not half assed exposure. If you're not gonna go balls to the wall with it, then don't bother; it could do more harm than good.
I was trying to get one BH a few months ago to expose and all he exposed was his WW's family and friends. Made absolutely NO efforts whatsoever to expose the OM. Pissed me off beyond belief. I tried and tried, but......
Guess what happened? By not exposing the OM he essentially turned the OM into the knight in shining armor because HE was the only one left that his WW could turn to for comfort. Everyone else shunned her, even her own children! He didn't follow the plan entirely and it killed his chances of ending the adultery and giving him a chance to restore his family. Whether or not those chances are completely diminished, only time will tell.
All I do know is that he hasn't been back, and that truly does sadden me. I really do hate to see a very recoverable marriage obliterated because of fear and inaction.
Don't allow this to happen KJV.
Time to fight
Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
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To add: Focus on the threads of posters that actually listen and go FULL nuclear exposure, not half assed exposure. If you're not gonna go balls to the wall with it, then don't bother; it could do more harm than good. Amen to this. Go large or go home! Because half measures will avail you nothing except a ticked off wayward.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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To add: Focus on the threads of posters that actually listen and go FULL nuclear exposure, not half assed exposure. If you're not gonna go balls to the wall with it, then don't bother; it could do more harm than good.I was trying to get one BH a few months ago to expose and all he exposed was his WW's family and friends. Made absolutely NO efforts whatsoever to expose the OM. Pissed me off beyond belief. I tried and tried, but......
Guess what happened? By not exposing the OM he essentially turned the OM into the knight in shining armor because HE was the only one left that his WW could turn to for comfort. Everyone else shunned her, even her own children! He didn't follow the plan entirely and it killed his chances of ending the adultery and giving him a chance to restore his family. Whether or not those chances are completely diminished, only time will tell.
All I do know is that he hasn't been back, and that truly does sadden me. I really do hate to see a very recoverable marriage obliterated because of fear and inaction.
Don't allow this to happen KJV.
Time to fight KJV, you need to expose to the OW's family, including her children. Yes, it is hard, and will anger your WH, but your marriage can survive his anger. It cannot survive his affair. It was only when I exposed to OW's children and boss that the A impacted OW enough for her to back off and stop re-igniting WH's infatuation. I let him know I was DONE with him (after 3 D-days, idiot-me) thinking he could woo two women and having one of them be me. Not exposing where it could impact OW just continued the illusion of OW, even with all her baggage, as somoeone "easy to be with" as FWH's carefree escape. Exposing to OW's family made all the difference.
Last edited by IAintReadyToQuit; 04/18/12 11:23 PM.
Married 31 years, 5 kids, 4 GK
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I'm sure that OWH is not violent (did your WH (who heard it from OW) told you that?) and he does not have a full truth what is going on. Therefore he has to get the information FROM YOU.
Be prepared that he even doesnt know there is OM (your WH).
Oh, and OW was in the picture much earlier than you think - she was there from the beginning when you and your WH started to have "problems".
Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
Married 22 years
2 Children 20 and 22 years
Last D-Day for me: May 2009
Last D-Day for her: October 2008
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I can tell from things you have said (and your user name) that you have a �marriage at any cost� mentality. That�s not said to bash you, but to make a point.
You need to understand that your current method of trying not to rock the boat, not wanting to expose, assuming people know the truth, taking his scraps of affection (a hug here and there etc) is leading you to divorce faster than anything else you can do short of filing yourself tomorrow. You may think that keeping a low profile is helping, but it�s definitely not.
The best chance your marriage has is to take some action. It may seem counter productive at first thought, but the numbers don�t lie. There are no guarantees that exposure and following the plan suggested here will work�.the only guarantee is that continued inaction WILL drive your marriage to divorce. This is your best chance to kill this A and get your WH to remove his head from his rear and realize what he is doing.
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