A week and a half ago my wife moved half way across the country. There is every indication she has found someone new. A couple of months ago she said she was spending the weekend with some girlfriends at the beach. Well, I got an email from the airport parking that said her car was at the airport all weekend so I confronted her about it. She said she was thinking about moving and wanted to check out the new city. Wow, the first I heard of it. Now I know this didn't happen overnight and she has likely been planning her exit for some time so we don't have to have that discussion. At this time she gets new FB and email passwords, password protected phone when it didn't used to be and late night texts. I got upset told I want a divorce and moved into another bedroom. The next morning she wants to know if we are going to get past this and I said no and left for the day. She later asked if she was going to have to move out and I said no I can be cool until you leave and we were cool. Since then I saw and attorney and she said she didnt have to sign anything and wouldn't. We went to the beach and I even flew with her to visit her parents (who didn't know what was going on) and had a good time there. The night before we left her parents she asked if I wanted to talk and I said no. She said, you idiot don't you know when a woman asks you if you want to talk it means they want to talk. She basically wanted to know why I didnt try harder to keep her when she said she was leaving. I said it was because she made it pretty clear she didn't want me anymore and I was angry. She said I'm still here and I replied, then postpone leaving and let's work on this. We had a nice flight home, I held her hand on the plane and we had a nice dinner when we got home. Later that night before going to bed I noticed she had taken her cell phone into the bathroom with her. I got mad and asked who she was texting so late and in the bathroom. This escalated with me accusing her of having another man waiting in her new city. Needless to say she left the next day. I haven't heard a word from her since she left but a week ago my friends wife said she contacted her asking how I am doing. The friends wife said he's fine. Then, unknown to me my friend left a message with her letting her know no one was judging her and let them know if she needed anything. She called him back and left a voicemail thanking him. She said she still loves me, but we are both stubborn me more than her and even if this doesnt work out then the message got cut off. I know after reading some of the info on this website I didn't hanfle things well. But Once I got past the anger I realized I love me wife. Is there a way to fix this with her living 1000 miles away?

Welcome to Marriage Builders and sorry for what has brought you here.

Do you know who her OM is?

Can you get her back home? Does she work or are you financing everything?

You need to work on your anger.

We can help you with a plan if you want to fight for this marriage.

Also here is some good reading to help you.
Thread to help Newly Betrayed Spouses
Carrot and Stick of Plan A

She works in the medical field and is waiting for her license in her new state before she can work. I trust her and have left our joint accounts avaiable until she starts work. She denies there is another man, I don't know who he is but suspect someone. I probably do need to work on my anger. Although I don't show it by yelling in such I have a tendency to hold it in. I'll give the link a read. Thanks. BTW, my wife and I are both 49, have been married for 17 years and we have no kids.

Can you check her online phone records to find out?

Can you check her facebook?

You need to find out who this OM is and blow this affair up. Exposure 101

Do you have kids?

We don't have kids. I read the exposure article and realize how important it is. I don't have access to her phone records it is in her name onlly. This is what makes me crazy. Something is definately fishy and I can't put together any proof. The distance now makes getting any info very difficult. If it is the person I suspect he was divorced 2 years ago.

Waywards lie about their affairs.

You should NOT trust your spouse when she is showing all the signs of being wayward. You have no reason to blindly trust. None of us should ever blindly trust our spouses.

In order to protect your finances, you should consider moving the funds out of your joint account and into a separate one. Waywards do some pretty outrageous things with the family money, and it's best not to take chances.

Is there any way you could join your wife in her new location? It's a terrible idea to be separated. Jobs that require separation or travel are an invitation to affairs.

If you have a gut feeling about someone then you're probably correct.

Is he where she's at right now? In the same city?

Can you hire a PI? They'll get the goods. Private Investigators

The joint accounts are open to both of us because we both work and both contributed. Neither of us travel for a living, she moved there because she grew up and went to school in the area and her parents are about a 3 hour drive away. I have never met the person i suspect but he is the only person on her FB account from that city. They graduated the same year from a very small town. Last year we went to her 30 year reunion and I'm guessing she met him there. The fact that he divorced 2 years ado adds to my suspicion.

So are you guys telling me if I can't prove an A I really don't have a chance? Do I just go straight to plan B? It seems like I'm already there. I was ready to give up until I heard her say she still loves me on my friends voice mail.

Not at all. Dr. Harley often recommends a man stay in Plan A as long as he can stand it. Plan A is part carrot and part stick. The carrot part of Plan A is to a wonderful husband and meet her emotional needs while avoiding love busters.

The stick part of Plan A is exposure. You should have some proof, whether emails or admission. Some hire a PI. Can you go and join her there?

Read this thread for more info on Plan A. Carrot & Stick of Plan A

Plan B is not recommended for wayward wives, because a woman will believe her husband is not interested in fighting for her.

Take some time and read some of the threads on the board, especially those started by betrayed husbands. More valuable reading is on the upper part of the forum in "Notable Posts."

You should also be protecting yourself and your financial assets, because waywards can make a lot of very selfish decisions. So at least be prepared for this. Do you have online access to all your financial accounts so you can see what's going on?

I can't move to where she is. I own a business here. I guess I'm just not sure how to be a loving husband with this much distance between us. I did read the carrot and stick, I really just don't know how to get proof of an A. I'm not sure I can afford a P.I. but I'll check to see how much it costs. After some dicussion with my counselor I have decided to give her a call tonight. I haven't had any contact with her in two weeks but after hearing her leave the message with my friend saying she still loves me, coupled with taking a look at what I'm accountable for I think I should break the ice and talk to her. Any suggestions regarding tonight's phone call are welcome. I'm nervous.

Not really. Keep it light and avoid any shouting matches.

I'll tell you this however - if you leave your money in those joint accounts, it IS going to disappear. WWs have a tendency to play BHs like a fiddle until they're firmly settled in with their OM.

Just remember - Plan A is NOT Plan Appeasement. If your WW has decided to "play single", then it is only logical that she does not get access to the benefits that come with a good M - e.g. joint accounts.

Thanks fo the reply and the warning. We have 2 joint bank accounts. Currently she is using one and I'm using the other. I really don't know how I can cut her off from money she earned.

Take out an amount that you believe corresponds to your fair share of the money in the accounts, then if possible remove your name from the accounts.

Stop this immediately. Why would you trust an untrustworthy person? Protect your finances - waywards have been known to wipe out their marital accounts to finance their affair. Move your money to a place that only you can access.

I'm sorry you have to be here.

If you haven't called yet tonight....DON'T.

You're bound to go off all half cocked with the information you've read here thus far when you should be playing it cool and gathering intel. Don't ask her about her affair again as she won't be honest with you and you'll only put her on guard that you're in the process of figuring it out.


At least close YOUR joint account that contains YOUR money or just withdraw it down to a minimum such that she can't wipe you out but yet you still won't draw attention to the fact you drew down the account.

Draw down HER account IF you need money to pay the mortgage or rent that she is obligated to pay with you for your residence (assuming she's not paying such).

The fact she hasn't cleaned you out is a pretty good indication that the guy on the other end has a job and excess funds.

As far as busting her...you could call the guys ex-wife and/or his parents (whom likely live in the same area and should be easy to find) and ask them if they've seen your wife. Tell them that she's left and TRAVELLED (NOT moved) to that city and you haven't heard from her in two weeks and wonder if there has been foul play or if they know if she's having an affair with [ex-husband or son]. If you are wrong...so what...you're just a concerned husband looking for his wife....but if you are right...you've hit pay dirt because it's very likely your wife has already met them and told them a story about being divorced (or in the process of divorcing). It's the wayward playbook and getting his (suspeceted OM) parents approval is important to BOTH WW and OM.


Anyway...Welcome to MB. Your marriage is certainly in trouble but may yet be savable. It's your choice. First step...get the facts about your life and we'll help you from there.

Mr. Wondering

Thanks again for the reply's. I made the call and got a few things off my chest. I didn't apologize just acknowledged her frustrations. There was no shouting and she cried a lot. Interestingly enough she has been at her parents house the last few days which is about 3 hours from her new city. I appreciate everyones's concern over finances but I have resources and even if she went crazy with the joint bank accounts I would be fine. It would piss me off but I would be fine. Not having any solid proof of an A or another man I believe it would be premature to start messing with money that belongs to both of us. I keep an eye on both accounts daily so I'm not overly concerned. Just know that I appreciate you guys are giving me the heads up based on your knowledge. I certainly see where you're coming from. If she goes crazy and spends it all I know I was warned and it's all on me.

Is this possible OM, that you think she may be involved with, where she is at right now?

Can you hire a PI?

I don't think the possible OM would be with her at her parents. Small town, I've known her parents for over 20 years and they love me. If he were there and they were seen together I think her parents would freak. She's been there a few days helping her parents around the house. My IC and I both agree,if she was insome passionate affair she would not leave to visit her parents 3 hours away. I'm not sure what to think. Maybe there is an EA that hasn't developed?

So how close is this OM to where she's at now?

I bet she is talking with him.

Yes, he would be in the city she moved to. But as my counselor and I discussed if this was some heavy duty new love why would she leave to visit her parents for a few days? Maybe she's telling them we're done and she's prepping them for the OM?

Yup. I am sure she's meeting the OM. She just has to find the right time and her parents wouldn't know.

You need to expose this.

I realize the importance of exposure and it's the key to start the unravelling for you MB veteran's. However, OM is divorced, my wife is in a new city and her parents are 3 hours away. I'm not sure what exposure is going to accomplish at this point. Who are they going to be uncomfortable in front of? Her parents are 75 years old, they're going to forgive her. They're not going to die hating their daughter because of me.

Do you want to try and save your M?
Did you read the exposure thread on what Dr. Harley says about exposure?

Have you read SAA? John and Sue? Sue moved out and with her OM to have her affair.

Yes I read it and I agree exposure is important. I'm just saying it might not be the first step in this situation due to the difficulty in getting solid proof and the effectiveness of it if there isn't really anyone to make them feel guilty.

Listen to these radio clips of a wife moving out and Dr. Harley tells him she is most likely caring on her affair.
Radio Clip on wife moving out and probably having an affair
Segment #2
Segment #3

I never understand why people are reluctant to expose. You do it because its the best chance of saving your marriage. Without it the affair thrives in secrecy. Some affairs go on for years and children are born from the the affair partner without anyone's knowledge.

Shine the light of truth on this. There is no reason to procrastinate.

Again I want to say I appreciate you folks taking the time to respond. I would have no problem exposing if I had proof. Did you read my response above? How would it be affective if there is essentially no one to expose to? Is this the only tool in your belt? I am asking if there is something I can do in the meantime. BTW, the page loads on the links you provided but the segments don't play for some reason. I hit play and nothing happens.

Can you go to the radio archives to get them to play?

It looks like you have to pay to listen to the archives.

You need to subscribe I think - they don't work for me either.

You can still expose to her parents and friends. You don't know if they will support her until you've told them the truth. She could be spinning a story of how awful a husband you were.

I was surprised in some of the people that supported my exposure. The Husbands were very supportive and jumped my WH's b*tt.

You don't have to pay just sign up. That's weird because I could listen to the clips even before I signed up.

Sometimes the clips load very slow, so trying waiting a minute or so.

Thanks Blackhawk. Did you have to sign up to hear the clips?

I did sign up to hear them (and found them in tha archives since the links posted to me did not seem to work). But a few months later I clicked on a link again (not archived but posted like above), I got busy doing something else, then when I came back they were playing. Sometimes they load slowly for my computer. Perhaps this is a computer update or media player driver issue, don't know.