I have been reading thread for the last 3 months.
My story: I suspected my husband might be having an emotional affair in 2008. We have been married for 26 years now, dating for 28 years. I met my husband in 1984 when he was my patient. I am a Cosmetic Dentist. My husband had been married previously and had 2 children, ages 2 and 4. When I met him, he was divorced. His ex wife lived in New York City. He was living in Los Angeles, but visiting his 2 children every 3 months. We got married in 1985 and soon afterward he got custody of his 2 children as he was the more nurturing parent. We were happy and I immediately became a MOM. His ex-wife didn't fight too hard for the children. I adapted and we were happy.
Fast forward 25 years from the time I met my husband... He had started his own Business as a Mechanic. He is brilliant as a mechanic,but not a good business person. He had his own shop and I had my own Dental Practice. Financially his shop was not profitable, so he wanted to close his shop and buy a piece of property to start his own business. Since we were getting closer to retirement and I vetoed the idea unilaterally. For this, he has never forgiven me.
In 2008, I found out thru his actions and texts that he was having an emotional affair with the woman that was showing him potential properites to start his business. She was a professional ice skater, teaching students and also selling real estate on the side. I found out that they were looking at potential real estate properties while on our motorcycle. I immediately confronted my husband and told him that this was not proper.
My husband immediately made me feel that I was just being jealous and there was nothing improper in this. But, since it was bothering me, he agreed to not look at properties with her on our motorcycle.
BW, are you asking him if you should believe that nothing improper happened? If so, you already gave the answer here:
In 2008, I found out thru his actions and texts that he was having an emotional affair with the woman
Welcome and I'm so happy you joined us.
Does he still see the OW? Is she married? Who has his affair been exposed to? Did he write her a MC letter?
In 2009, my gut was feeling suspicious. We had gone to Hawaii for a professional meeting and although he hadn't wanted to come with me initially, we had a good time. After a week in Hawaii, while on our way back home, his mood changed in an instant. He became cold and I couldn't figure out why. When I got home, I started searching for an answer. I saw that he had texted this woman, "the real estate agent and professional ice skater". He had texted--"It's my birthday today. Did you get your Iphone?" I realized that he had a relationship with her, but still was too dumb to realize the depths of what was to come.
When I confronted my husband in the spring of 2009, he admitted that he had a friendship with this woman. Of course, I sensed danger and asked him to cut off all ties with her. After some time, he agreed that the relationship was inappropriate and asked me to give him some time to cut if off. My husband collects guns and said to me that he had given her one of his guns and he needed to get it back from her. I was reluctant, but loved my husband and was willing to give him the time and space to make it right.
The other woman is not married and has never been married. She is adopted and her adoptive married are both deceased.
It doesn't sound to me like you got the truth about the relationship. Might be worth his while to take a polygraph test. That would remove your doubts and exonerate him. It would be a win/win. Unless he is hiding something, of course.
For the next 2 years from the spring of 2009 until Dday, July, 12, 2011, I suspected she was in the picture, but had no proof. Occassionally, I would talk to my husband about "Emotional Affairs", but I don't think he bought into this idea without the physical aspects.
BW, a big part of the problem is that your husband has inappropriate boundaries with women. If he has friendships with women, he is just asking for an affair. That is HOW affairs begin. About 50-60% of all marriages experience affairs and they start with opposite sex friendships.
For the next 2 years from the spring of 2009 until Dday, July, 12, 2011, I suspected she was in the picture, but had no proof. Occassionally, I would talk to my husband about "Emotional Affairs", but I don't think he bought into this idea without the physical aspects.
How is it you had no proof? That is very, very odd for a wayward to hide something so well for 2 years. Waywards are typically sloppy and eventually leave evidence. Its not hard to find with some minimal sleuthing.
On July 2, 2011, my husband got up around 4 am. That was not unusual as my husband tends to get up in the middle of the night to eat. I remember that July 2nd was a Saturday morning. The previous night we had a wonderful dinner in Malibu with one of my colleagues and his wife. We had a fun time and I did not "sense" that anything was amiss. When I looked at the clock and it was 5 am and my husband hadn't come back to bed, I got up to look for him.
He was nowhere to be found. All of our cars were there, but I noticed that our motorcycle was missing. Starting at 6 or 7 am, I started calling his cell phone, but the call went straight to his Voice Mail. I knew he had turned his cell phone off.
Melody Lane--for 2 years I so much wanted to believe my husband, I didn't do the sleuthing that I am doing now. He told me that he was getting the gun back and that it was over. She was engaged to someone else. I believed him. At this time, I do believe that that it was surface passion, but I thought it was over.
He came back home at 11:30am and said he had "gone riding with some buddies", but I DID NOT BELIEVE HIM.
I knew in my heart that he was with her. From that moment on, I was snooping on him. He left the trail really easy for me to find. He kept receipts from their "lunch dates". Its almost as if he wanted me to find out.
On July 12, I was leaving for work, but felt that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. As he went into the kitchen to get me some coffee, I looked thru his wallet. I found a receipt for a restaurant in West Hollywood. I knew then that something was wrong. My husband absolutely hates traffic and West Hollywood is in the Middle of traffic in LA, I knew that the real estate broker lived in West Hollywood. I knew he was with her.
He came back home at 11:30am and said he had "gone riding with some buddies", but I DID NOT BELIEVE HIM.
I would definitely give him the opportunity to prove it to you by asking him to take a polygraph. It is obvious he was having an affair. Does he still see her?
Do you know how to contact her? You might contact that skank and try to get the information out of her. Tell her you know what happened and would like to hear her side of the story. Before you do that, slip some spyware on his phone and put a VAR in his car so you can hear what is discussed when she calls him up.
I confronted him at 6:30 am. I had patients to see at 7:30am. I couldn't believe this was happenning. I told him to get out of the house and within 5 minutes, I told him not to leave that I could forgive him. I felt as if my life was coming to an end.
So, in July of 2011, I felt my world had ended. I called 2 of my 3 adult children. I really felt that if they talked to their father, all would be good. WRONG! MY 2 sons came over. They are 24 and 31 years old. I overheard them talking to their father. My husband had told them that he had found "his soulmate" and he no longer was "in love" with me. I sensed in my heart that "this couldn't be". My husband and I had a good relationship. Yes, we had our ups and downs, but I had a deep down passion for him and I thought he had the same feeling for me. I asked my husband to see a therapist with me and give our marriage 30 days as he had insinuated to our children that he wanted to leave our family home.
Bottom line is we went to see a counselor that did nothing to help us. My d Day was July 12th and our oldest son was getting married on July 24th. My husband agreed to try and give our Marriage a second chance. That decision was based on surface feelings. We were giving the Rehearsal dinner on July 23rd. I didn't know how we could get thru this. Looking back on this time, I know now he was gaslighting me, but at the time......I had hope
The Rehearsal Dinner was wonderful. It was held about 2 hours from where we live. The morning before we were to drive out of town, he sent the OW a text that he wanted to work it out with me and please to give us the time and space that we needed. I was happy and hopeful as he did this without me asking him. The Wedding was a mixture of ups and downs. Of course, I was walking on eggshells and truly did not believe anything he said, although I was hopeful.
During this time, I still did not know about MB, but I did have the sense to be suspicious of anything he said. We are Catholic and my husband goes to Mass every Sunday. During this time, he was going to Mass every Sunday and sometimes going to Church EVERY DAY. I couldn't understand how this could be possible. How could he be going to Church and receiving Communion when you couldnt receive Communion when you had a Mortal sin and Adultery is a mortal sin.
The bottom line is during this time when I was walking on eggshells, not knowing where my Husband stood, my Husband was wanting both of us (the Skank and ME!) I made the mistaken assumption that all was relatively well because he was home every night and we were making love every night. For myself, I knew that I could not make love to him and have feelings for someone else, but that was not how he felt..... My husband was an independent contractor and had lots of free time. We carpooled together. He would drop me off at work at 7am. I usually worked til 6 pm Mon-Thurs. Little did I know that she was happy having him during the day when I was working. He was lukewarm at night so I actually thought he was on track to fix our marriage.
During this time, I was online trying to find answers to what was happening with my life. I read many books including HNHN, but had not yet found MB. I did connect with a Counselor on line that was an Infidelity Specialist. She provided a great deal of comfort for me. If I hadn't of found her, I don't know if I would have survived Sept of 2011. I had read James Dobson's book on Tough Love. Besides being a Dentist, I mentor post graduate courses. During July, I cancelled all my out of city teaching programs. However, during the end of August, I was committed to going out of town for 3 days. I expressed to my husband how this made me feel so uncomfortable as this is when he had time to spend with the OW. He reassured me and My Husband told me that he would call me every day from our home number. He would call me at 5 am every morning from home, then at 10 pm every night again from our home number. Little did I know that when he called me every night from our home number, he would leave, go to her house and then call me at 5 am from our home number helping me feel secure that he was always home. Those Waywards sure are sneaky!!!! That thought never crossed my mind
I truly believed at this time he was being faithful. However, I countinued my Snooping. In September when I was home from the 3 days away, I was able to snoop on his cell phone, where I found texts to the Skank saying that he "loved her madly" and that "he would be able to hook up with her when I went out of town".
In September, when I found these new text, my self esteem sank to a New Low. Little did I know what a sucker I had been. I still did not know about MB and I told him to leave the house. He was probably happy as he felt he "needed time and space" meaning time to be with his Skank 100%.
In the beginning of September he left our home and went to his mother's home 10 miles away. My heart was broken. The first weekend in September we were hosting a Baby Shower for my son and daughter in law for about 60 people. The invitations were already sent out. I knew he was still seeing the other women. What to do. I decided I want to give him a taste of what it family is like. 2 days before the Baby Shower, I told him he could join us to celebrate the birth of our 2nd grandchild.
Did you have a question, Bikerwife? How can we help you?
Bottom line is from Sept to Nov 1st my husband was gaslighting me. I thought we were working on our marriage, but I chose to believe him when he said "he had gotten in too fast, too deep" and it was going to take time to get out.
She had given him keys to her apt so on Halloween, my husband and I were together, but he seemed off--not happy to be with me. Little did I know that when he dropped me off at work on Nov. 1st, he went over to her apt. She had a sign on her door--Halloween Revelers--DO NOT DISTURB! When he went to her apt on Nov 1st and saw the sign, he thought it meant Halloween trick or treaters--do not disturb. He went into her apartment. He found her in bed with another man.
Perhaps I should be happy, but my husband was distressed that the skank had betrayed him. It wasn't until Nov 16th that I found all of this out. In December he decided to recommit to our marriage.
I did not find Marriage Builders until March 30th. Our Marriage is limping along--sometimes I think it is fabulous, but other times he doesn't seem as remorseful as FWH on threads I read such as Glove Oil and Her Papa Bear.
I feel I'm a great wife, yes, maybe my side of the street wasn't as clean as it should have been prior to the Affair. But, I have been working so hard to be the Best Wife I can be, that I just feel I work at it way harder than he does.
Question--I know I am extremely Ultrasensitve with a lot of triggers. I want to be a great wife, but I want to have a great husband. Sometimes, I don't know if I'm asking too much of him. I read posts from Her Papa Bear, and I don't hear the remorse or willingness to do whatever it takes to make me heal. Am I asking too much of my husband at this stage? I question myself every day---is he really sincere when he says he loves me or is he playing me still?
The last time that I know my husband has seen the Skank is on Nov 1st when he found her with another lover. In the beginning of February, she sent a letter to me via USmail to our home asking my husband to return the gun that he had given her for a gift. My husband knew about the NC, but when he got the letter he chose not to tell me. He kept the letter in our spare car. 3 months later, in May, when i was snooping in our spare car, I found the letter and confronted him. He said he never contacted her, didnt tell me cause he didn't want to upset me and just forgotten that he saved the letter in our spare car. I do a lot of snooping and have a keylogger on his compurter and have access to his cell phone. I don't feel that he has contacted her, but I take nothing as a given as I have been fooled before.
My gut is a good detector. When something was amiss before, I sensed it. I do sense he is being honest with me. However, I don't feel his remorse that I sense in the texts of other FWS on threads. We listen to MB radio together every day and talk about MB principles. However....I still don't trust. Perhaps, it's because I read so many thread where one post, posters think they are in recovery and then down the line, they were fooled again.
I have emailed Dr. Harley for help in a letter today to mb radio. I have also emailed Steve Harley for help and will start counseling. I do want to save my Marriage. I just feel that although my husband wants to stay together, HE DOESN'T HAVE the motivation I do. Is that disrespectful? I do want to respect my husband. I just want him to step up to the plate more. Does he kick back because he is so sure of my love?
Time for bed... I do have to work in just 5 hours, but feel so sad that I am soooo many months into what I thought would be Recovery, but maybe not???
Time for bed... I do have to work in just 5 hours, but feel so sad that I am soooo many months into what I thought would be Recovery, but maybe not???
It's not the amount of time that's important - it's what you do with it.
Your H has most probably been in a sexual relationship with this woman for years.
It's great that you are looking at counselling with Steve and have called the radio show. Your husband needs to go totally no contact with this woman - verifiable by you before there is any hope.
Time for bed... I do have to work in just 5 hours, but feel so sad that I am soooo many months into what I thought would be Recovery, but maybe not???
It's not the amount of time that's important - it's what you do with it.
Your H has most probably been in a sexual relationship with this woman for years.
It's great that you are looking at counselling with Steve and have called the radio show. Your husband needs to go totally no contact with this woman - verifiable by you before there is any hope.
Exactly what Big K said.
No contact with this OW for life is vital for your M. Very glad you will be coaching with Steve. Keep us updated.
BW,
Now that you've done it, you've told your story and reviewed everything up until today, do yourself a favor and put that load down, OK?
You can't change the past, sister. So now you concentrate on the present and the future.
Did you expose your husbands affair? Was his OW married? Did you expose the affair to her BH if she is?
Even if the affair is over and contact has ended, if she is married you will want to expose her to her husband, as it will throw a wrench in any attempts to reignite the affair.
With your profession, you may also consider looking into moving several states from your current location. In fact, you might even do this without your husband (if he is reluctant) and allow him to follow if he is serious about meeting your conditions for reconciling and recovering.
Moving has several benefits to marital recovery; it removes environmental triggers for you, and it creates distance between your WH and his affair partner that, again, makes it more difficult for the affair to rekindle.
I have also emailed Steve Harley for help and will start counseling. I do want to save my Marriage. e not???
Hello, I want to comment on one portion of your matter. First though, let me tell you the problem that brought me here was a trust issue with my W. For me that meant I trusted her to make correct judgments in our marriage as a team member, and expected those judgments to be exercised in the best interest of the team. That did not happen. We too are now working with S. Harley, and I want to comment on those sessions for you.
First, I also am a professional, and like you have attend various practice update seminars or continuing education courses: Steve's sessions are very similar to these.
Generally, you will be aware of much of what the session is about, although terminology will be different. I say that because you have read many book on the marital matter already. As you probably know though, it is the 10%, 7% 4% or 12% of the material that is presented or provided to you that gives you the 'kernel' of information that you either didn't know or didn't know how to apply it or something like that. Don't expect the sessions to be night and day, but I venture to say there will be times in each session that you ask or stop and say Hum ? I did, and the sessions have so far been beneficial. Our sessions went like this so far. I signed up for a session to make sure I shouldn't voluntarily institutionalize myself, and he assured me I was sane in my thinking. I asked my wife if she wanted to do a session, and she agreed because she had heard about MB as mentioned by Dr. Dobson. Her session also went well, and we agreed to more. I then had a 2nd and third session, and my wife is doing her second session this morning. We are then scheduled to do joint sessions following.
Best of luck with you coaching, it has been beneficial to my W and me so far.
Bikerwife, my previous posts was based on your posts which did not give the full story. You posted your story out in blog style which made it very hard to understand the situation.
Now that I can see the full story, it is obvious that you are not in recovery at all. What is missing here is a plan for recovery. Having no plan is a plan to fail. The most glaring issue is that your husband is not in love with you and he won't be until and unless you start spending 20-25 hours a week of undivided attention time together. It takes 15 hours together to maintain romantic love and 20-25 to create. You won't ever fall in love again unless that happens.
There is a very specific path back to recovery: the marriage must be affair proofed, just compensation must be made and the marriage transformed to something better than what it was before using this program. Here is how Harley describes it:
The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.
I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.
The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.
This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.
An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.
After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts
here here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
Hold Her Hand,
I found out about my Husband's affair 9 months before knowing about Marriage Builders.
I did expose to all of my family, his family, our friends, his personal friends, my employees back in July, 2011.
OW is not married. On Nov. 1, 2011 my husband found her in bed with another man. That triggered the demise of the affair.
Thank you Melody Lane. I scheduled an appt with Steve Harley for July 6th. My goal is to make a Recovery plan. We have been spending 15 - 20 hours of UA time already. I have been snooping and from what I can tell there has been No Contact since Feb when she sent him that letter.
Since December he has slowly been coming out of the fog and for the most part I feel we are moving forward. My problem is that I still think of the A every day and need to make a plan to create the future I want and let go of this past year.
That is great! I am relieved you will be getting guidance from Steve. Guys really like Steve because he is very action oriented and stays away from the psychobabble and the navel gazing.
Is it normal that I still think of the A often? I am constantly reading threads and feel empathy for many of the BS which in turn triggers sadness for me when things aren't going well for them. Like many WS, my husband would like me just to focus on our future We do make fun plans for every weekend and we carpool to and from work every day. All our evening are spent together
Dear Bikerwife:
My husband down-played his affair for several years after I found out (he claimed it was a one-sided EA on her part; it was actually a romantic PA). Like you, I suspected he was lying, but did not have proof. During this time, I thought about the affair constantly, even though I was certain it had ended.
Once he told me the truth, I stopped thinking about many aspects of it. McDonald's, for example, was a huge trigger for me (he told me he put 110 miles on his car doing errands and looking for a McD's, when, in fact, he drove to the OW's house). Once I knew the truth about the trip, it ceased to be a trigger.
I still believe he is holding one thing back, though, and this is the thing I think about constantly.
BV
BV,
Why don't you ask him the specific question that you feel he's holding back on? Are you in Recovery or is your husband still in the fog?
My one year anniversary of the discovery of my husband's affair is coming up in 2 weeks. If one is to heal, is it better to speak with him about how I'm feeling w Or is it better to not share my anxiety with my husband and try and create new memories?
If you have all your questions answered then don't talk about it anymore. Make new memories on that day. Schedule something fun together.
Listen to these clips of Dr. Harley talking with a BW and WH on what they need to do.
Tell me what you think.
Radio clip of not to keep talking about the affair Segment #2 Segment #3 Segment #4
Thank you, Brain Hurts. I will listen to them this afternoon.
Is it wrong to want my husband to share in the pain I continue to feel? 90% of our time together is great. When I'm triggered, I would like to hear him express more remorse than he has. When I first discovered the A, he covered for the OW and spoke positively of her!!! Is it wrong for me to expect him to say how absolutely nuts he must have been to think about giving me up for her. He tells me that he's willing to do whatever it takes to help me heal. When I tell him, that it would really help me if he could express in words what a fool he was. He says that will come in time.
Thank you, Brain Hurts. I will listen to them this afternoon.
Is it wrong to want my husband to share in the pain I continue to feel? 90% of our time together is great. When I'm triggered, I would like to hear him express more remorse than he has. When I first discovered the A, he covered for the OW and spoke positively of her!!! Is it wrong for me to expect him to say how absolutely nuts he must have been to think about giving me up for her. He tells me that he's willing to do whatever it takes to help me heal. When I tell him, that it would really help me if he could express in words what a fool he was. He says that will come in time.
Have you read the book SAA?
The reason he had the affair is because of his poor boundaries around women.
It's his actions you must see. If he is showing you in his actions then measure that.
Yes early on we want them to experience our pain and that's very normal.
Read this.
It's very common for the spouse having the affair to feel unremorseful. And it's common for the victimized spouse to feel that it wasn't his or her fault, either. So when an affair has ended, and a couple is ready to rebuild their relationship, neither wants to take responsibility. They both look at each other as having been very selfish, and they look at themselves as having gone the extra mile, with nothing to show for it. Why apologize for something that was the other person's fault?
Dear Bikerwife:
To answer your question about me:
I have asked him the question (I want to know if something specific happened during his most recent affair) and he's told me no, it did not happen.
However, I don't believe him. It makes logical sense that this thing DID happen; it strains credulity to believe it did NOT happen.
If there was a specific reason that it did not happen, I might believe him; however, he has not given me a specific reason.
Unfortunately, I can't prove his assertion or my assumption. The only person I could ask would be the OW, which I don't want to do for obvious reasons: 1) I would be breaking NC, which has been in place for 4 years and 2) I already know she's a liar.
If my H has been lying to me, I will divorce him. Unfortunately, he has not been steadily employed in 4 years and if I divorce him, he would not have medical benefits. Also, I am not prepared to be divorced.
When he obtains steady employment (which will probably coincide with us obtaining a financial goal), I will ask him for a polygraph. If he confesses at that point, I will divorce him. The only thing that will keep me in the marriage is a passed polygraph. Until then, I'm prepared to wait. I've waited 30 years, another 1-2 really don't matter to me.
To answer your question regarding MB:
Dr. Harley recommends that once you have all the information you need regarding the affair, you don't bring it up again, to avoid "keeping it alive" inadvertently. I have also read on this board that if you are anxious regarding the affair (e.g., reacting to a trigger), that you simply tell your spouse that you are having a hard time (without being specific) and ask for what you need from your spouse. However, I don't have a citation for this particular piece of advice. I'm sure another poster will, though.
I should end this by saying we are NOT an example of a recovered marriage.
BV
Thanks BV and BH.
I think you're both right in that I have been keeping the A alive. I have been at fault of speaking too much of my triggers. I admit I do have a need to know that he continues to be remorseful every day. I'm going to try and let it go and focus on being happy TODAY. This last year has been very draining. I feel this whole year has been wasted, but hope that both my husband and I will have learned how to keep romantic love alive and how to affair proof our M.
Thanks BV and BH.
I think you're both right in that I have been keeping the A alive. I have been at fault of speaking too much of my triggers. I admit I do have a need to know that he continues to be remorseful every day. I'm going to try and let it go and focus on being happy TODAY. This last year has been very draining. I feel this whole year has been wasted, but hope that both my husband and I will have learned how to keep romantic love alive and how to affair proof our M.
Since you'll be coaching with Steve he will give both of you plans.
Are all your questions answered about the affair?
Are all hour questions answered
Brain Hurts,
How do I learn how to use those quotes so I can reference what I am writing about.
I have read SAA a few months ago, but will pull it out and reread it with fresh eyes.
Yes, both my husband and I have had poor boundaries with the opposite sex. I am in a profession that is dominated by men, but now I make a point that opposite sex friendships can only be with men that are a friend to both of us. My husband has been showing me with actions that he is walking on the MB path. Problem is he lied so much to me in the past that I dont trust
Brain Hurts,
I don't have a lot of SPECIFIC answers about the Affair. I'm not sure if I want to know all the details. It already hurts so much that he was planning on leaving me and making his life with her. If he hadn't found her in bed with someone else, he might have thrown me away. That's what lingers in my mind---that I was so disposable to him. He wanted both of us...He would have SF with me every night during our FR and then see OW often at lunch. I have a difficult time reconciling the man I married with the ALIEN that did this. Even though his actions demonstrate he's a different man today, during the A, things changed on a dime. I feel anxiety that he could slip again, but not because he's not doing the right thing---just that enough time hasn't passed (although I feel I'm stuck and not healing).
Brain Hurts,
I don't have a lot of SPECIFIC answers about the Affair. I'm not sure if I want to know all the details. It already hurts so much that he was planning on leaving me and making his life with her. If he hadn't found her in bed with someone else, he might have thrown me away. That's what lingers in my mind---that I was so disposable to him. He wanted both of us...He would have SF with me every night during our FR and then see OW often at lunch. I have a difficult time reconciling the man I married with the ALIEN that did this. Even though his actions demonstrate he's a different man today, during the A, things changed on a dime. I feel anxiety that he could slip again, but not because he's not doing the right thing---just that enough time hasn't passed (although I feel I'm stuck and not healing).
Use the brackets[ ]
Inside the brackets type quote= and put your reference
2) then put the body of your message.
3) use brackets again inside make sure you put /quote.
The easiest way to see it is hit quote at the bottom of each post and then look at the format.
Hope this helps.
Brain Hurts,
How do I learn how to use those quotes so I can reference what I am writing about.
See these buttons at the bottom of every post?
Reply Quote Quick Reply Quick Quote Notify Email PostClick "quote" and the quote will be formed, complete with the name of the person you are quoting.
Delete any parts you do not want to quote.
Write your message underneath.
Click "preview' to check that it looks the way you want it to.
Click "send".
The other woman is not married and has never been married. She is adopted and her adoptive married are both deceased.
Who told you this? Your husband? Waywards are known liars. Don't take his word for it. Find out for yourself.
In the beginning of September he left our home and went to his mother's home 10 miles away. My heart was broken. The first weekend in September we were hosting a Baby Shower for my son and daughter in law for about 60 people. The invitations were already sent out. I knew he was still seeing the other women. What to do. I decided I want to give him a taste of what it family is like. 2 days before the Baby Shower, I told him he could join us to celebrate the birth of our 2nd grandchild.
Okay, I'm seeing a blog, here. Bikerwife, how can we help you? You're asking no questions, so we have nothing to answer.
Do you want to recover your marriage?
Marital Bliss,
The OW was introduced as a client to my husband when he had a repair shop. She is a past girlfriend of one of his good friends. This male friend is also a friend to me. He is the one that told me that OW's mother had passed away a few years ago.
I want to recover my marriage. There was never any Exposure to her Facebook friends or co-workers because I didn't know MB principles 8 months ago on Dday. During the last 2 months of the A, I had found his "secret affair" phone. The last time there was physical contact was in November. His actions have changed. We listen to MB radio together every day. We have gone thru 2 (3 day )"Infidelity Weekends" with a well known author in both December and a #2 workshop in April.
I have set up consultation appt with Steve Harley for July 6th. My reason for coming to the forum was to get help on how to let go thinking about the A.
And of course, since in the past, I've been lied to so much, I'm always looking over my shoulder.
Brain Hurts sent me those radio clips where Dr. H speaks on radio show about stopping talking about the A. I have listened to them and going to ask my husband to listen with me.
Do other BS continue to have anxiety almost 1 year after DDay when their husband is transparent and I continue to snoop and don't find anything.
Melody Lane said I need a plan and I've called Steve to help me.
Do other BS continue to have anxiety almost 1 year after DDay when their husband is transparent and I continue to snoop and don't find anything.
Bikerwife, that is very normal. In fact, it usually peaks around this time. However, if there is no plan in place for the WS to make just compensation and recover the marriage, the resentment and pain lingers on and on.
What happens is that unless a great marriage replaces that wound created by the affair, the marriage limps along in a crippled state, always worse off than before the affair. The difference between Marriage Builders and other programs is that MB effectively creates romantic love in the marriages. This is a big part of recovery from an affair.
I would check out this article that addresses the concept of just compensation:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html
Dr. Harley mentions that a cause of lingering resentment can be that recovery is not complete. I'm not sure but perhaps that may be the same for anxiety.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5062_qa.htmlRecovery may not be complete
Resentment usually appears when an experience of the present reminds us of a painful experience of the past. For example, if a wife had been abandoned by her husband after a fight on a vacation, left to find her way home alone from Jamaica, the resentment of that experience would pop up whenever her husband walks out the door during an argument. Very often, continuing resentment means that whatever it was that caused the painful experience is still lurking in the background. And it jumps out every once in a while when evidence of it's existence surfaces.
The procedure for recovery that I suggest usually eliminates the root causes of infidelity, and that makes it unlikely that present experiences will remind a spouse of experiences associated with an affair. If the only time you feel resentment about a spouse's past affair is when your needs have not been met, when your spouse is engaged in a Love Buster, or when the Policy of Joint Agreement or Policy of Radical Honesty has not been followed, then it's the completion of recovery that's your problem, not resentment.
Thank you both. I will listen to clips as soon as I get off work.
This morning my husband called at work to let me know one of his old clients that is also my patient had called him to get his advice on helping her with car questions. This never used to bother me before, but I told him that this woman considers him his friend and feels comfortable calling him on his cell. This morning she called and left a message on cell wanting advice. He called me immediately and asked him what did I want him to do. I thanked him for sharing and told him I would feel more comfortable if he returned her phone call when I'm at home sitting next to him.
Im a dentist in a male dominated profession working and speaking to many male colleagues. I feel hypocritical telling him to tell this woman client/friend to quit calling him, but is this a requirement for EP? It would be difficult if he told me I could not speak to male colleagues on the phone about dental related issues.
Too add another to Mel and markos's excellent advice.
More excellent radio clip on just compensation versus forgiveness. Dr. Harley talks about triggers and memories.
Radio clip on Just compensation at about the 5:30 mark Segment #2 Please tell me what you think.
Tomorrow we are speaking to Steve Harley. It has been 2 years since D-Day.
Only 1.5 years since NC. 80% of the time we're doing great. Today he
leaves his credit card at the restaurant and out
Of nowhere he starts yelling about our 6:15am
appointment with Steve. Help me understand
why he doesn't have more empathy and
remorse.
How is everything Bikerwife?
How is everything Bikerwife?
Thank you for asking, Brainy.
My husband and I are recovering nicely. We carpool every day together and listen to MB Radio. Lots of times it is his idea. Funny how things change with time. Sometimes he'll make comments about the caller's WS and say he can't believe that they'd do something like that, (forgetting that he did the exact same thing!).
We spend more than 20 hours a week on UA and most days I forget to track him on the GPS as I have not caught him in any lies after our "false recovery".
I don't think I will ever forget that period of my life. I get comfort from reading MB forums every day. Thank you to all who post every day as following Dr. Harley's philosophy has changed my life and my marriage.
Happy Thanksgiving to all and for those that are struggling with a cheating spouse, the best advise is not to cover for them. Get the support you need by exposing the WS not only to their family, but to the OP's family and facebook friends. It really does work.
Thanks Bikerwife for your awesome update!! I'm so happy for you!!
Do you feel you're in love with him again? Are you enjoying your UA time?
Do you feel like he has given you "just compensation"?