Hi,
I was very depressed when I came across MarriageBuilders.com, which provided a very good insight about Infidelity.
I'm so messed up now that me and my wife are in a very confused and heartache state.

Recently I discovered that my wife has betrayed me, and is having an affair. She claims that the boyfriend is just a very close colleague turned closer during her most recent business trip. They chat till wee hours while I was overseas, at early in the morning, and even during our own dates. They just started for one month, and even planned to go for a trip together. I was truly devastated when I found out, and after much considerations, I confronted her in a very claim manner.
We have two kids. Hence divorce is not an option.
We worked things out. She said she'll break up with him, but because he is a co-worker, and it's not an option for her to quit her job, they can only remain as platonic.
I found that offensive - if she really loves me as she claims, she should break-off all ties immediately, and give promises to me, instead she requested for a fantasy trip with her boyfriend to "round off" the fantasy. That really really hurts me a lot.
Fortunately her boyfriend didn't agree to the trip. He was righteous enough to admit that it was an error as things happened at the wrong place, wrong time, etc....My wife was very sad that she couldn't go to fulfill her fantasy trip.

To make things worst, during our confrontation, I disclosed to my wife in honesty that I too had been infidel to her some years back. As I had been travelling overseas very frequently, I lost control of myself and got carried away, with the worst being making a trip which I planned for her. But she didn't go, citing that she has to take care of our daughter's studies. That was the first time I slipped. In anger, I invited a social escort which ended up that we kept in contact with even till the beginning of this year. However, it was never emotional.
Hence when my wife found out about my infidelity in May, I cut off everything as fast as I could, and tried to convince that my wife I'm still worth salvaging. However back then, I didn't revealed much details, until now.
She couldn't handle the honesty. From an apologetic stand-point when I confronted her recent affair, till now she claims we are even, and she need some time to regroup. She's very confused. We're so messed up. She dare not blame me, but deep down, I believe she's feeling the same as I am now, as now I know how it felt like too. She still wants to go on that trip, but claims that she'll be going alone.

We're both very confused. We're both heart-broken, but we couldn't repair each other. We couldn't hug each other without feeling the pain. We talked to each other without enthusiasm.

How do we move on from here? She's experiencing withdrawal, which I have to copy with, which is something she need not deal with for my wife (since I wasn't emotionally attached), but nevertheless, I believe to her, it felt as painful too. She couldn't trust me, neither could I. We have doubts with each other's commitments. For her, she doesn't want to be pretentious, hence she doesn't want to commit anything. For me, I tried my best to ensure my loyalty, but she doesn't believe in it. How can we move on from here?

How can we rebuild what we've lost. To make things worse, she cannot cut off communication with her boyfriend, since his presence is important to her work. How can I reconcile and swallow that at the same time? Do I let their relationship continue to potentially grow, and then simmer after that? It is emotionally very draining. Just one week only, and I am facing all the symptoms of physical and psychological trauma. How am I supposed to be able to handle weeks, months or even years of such, assuming that they really stay platonic.
I cannot blame her, because I've done her wrong too. Neither can she blame me. We're both not sure if we can find that sweetness of love between us anymore, but verbally, we're both willing to try. But again, we're really lost on how.
She's probably going through that withdrawal period. I don't know how to behave during this period.

I feel that my Love Units in her Love Banks must be very low now. I'm the person who "broke up" her fantasy, and her boyfriend was the one who is able to comfort her. She couldn't rekindle with me because she said I am part of the family, that was what make her breathless and need of space. The comfort her boyfriend gave her was something that is totally isolated from all the family stress she has to face. It's a getaway, an outlet for her.
I feel sorry for her, but yet I feel angry. I too have reached out to her before. Since May, i had been a very good husband and father. I kept myself clean from the past things, dedicated myself to the family, spent more time, travel less, etc...I've made a lot of adjustments and sacrifices to my work life to tune to my family life. I know my priorities. Yet such happened.

Any constructive advise is appreciated.

ps:
Sorry if the post is very disorganized or repetitive. It was an emotional dump for me also when I'm typing this.

Welcome to MB.

Have you exposed?

Please read.
Exposure 101

Please ask the MODS to merge your threads.

Yes. I've exposed her. I'm not sure if I did it in a good way. I caught her by surprise, told her that I know the truth, with many details to the extend that she couldn't deny.
I gave her only few options - break up with me, break up with him immediately and quit her job, or continue her relationship since she needs him for her work, but means we'll lead seperate lifestyle until her work finishes or until my patience run out.
she chose to break up with him, but maintain platonic, and requested for a fantasy trip with him. Initially I agreed, but I regretted the next day. Each day she carries on with him, is one day of my agony, which pissed me off that she has no regards for my feelings. She can't even commit nothing will happen when they go on the trip. This, was before I revealed more of my past details of mine own affair. Her immediate reaction and decision still bothers me even today.
On the next day when I made a big fuss about regretting me allowing her to go for the trip, she called him that night to break up (but stay as friends). She was in grieve after that and doesn't want talk to me. I had to control my frustration.
I did, however, sms the guy thanking him that he didn't want to go for the trip with my wife, and trust that he'll stick to that decision.
The next day when I revealed to my wife more details about my past, she became angry, and said that I've done it all, where she has just got to initial stage only. She couldn't handle it.
Did I messed up by revealing too much details? Now it seems like I'm the one committing infidellity (I did, but it was past).
I don't know how to move forward.

Did you read this?

Who did you expose to? I'm not talking about your wife, because she already knows she's cheating.

Also what are you doing to clean up your side of the street? What EPs do you have in place?

Read this. Carrot and Stick of Plan A

Have you read these?
A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts
Thread to Help Newly Betrayed Spouses
Also have you told others of your affair?

Have you exposed to her work? In the exposure thread it talks about this.

Yes I've read those articles. Helped a lot, but none of them deals with how to cope with double infidelity, I think.
I can't bare to expose her at work. She's a strong character person. Her job is important to her, and our family finance. All these years, her job has consumed her. In fact, part of her frustration comes from her inability to balance her work and family. Her anger towards me for not being able to lightened her load much (since I travel quite often ) probably partially led to the situation today. I'm partially at fault too.
But since May, I've changed. I've taken much more responsibilities, send the kids to school, take care of them while she's busy at work, etc. Then this happens. It's all very devastating.

You both need to find new jobs.

There is no reason to put your jobs second. When you put your jobs first you will only have a second rate marriage.

You need to get the book Surviving An Affair.

Also when given a link you need to read thoroughly and learn then do it. Confronting a WW and telling her about the affair is not exposing it. The OMW must be told and many others.

Your WW must give up her Job she can no longer work with her OM due to the need for NC, no contact forever.

This is why exposure must be done at work. To keep them apart.

I can't bare to expose her at work.

Uhh, dude, there is no option here. All of their coworkers and their management team must know of their illicit activities. If neither gets fired, your WW will have to leave her job.

(Pause for ISMU to protest......)

It doesn't matter what you THINK, right now. The FACT is she cannot fully disengage from her emotional attachment to POSOM while being reminded each time she sees him, or hears him, of the feelings and satisfactions she felt during her affair.

As far as the financial hit, oh well, there is a cost to catting around, and your WW's bill has just come due.

Oh, btw: She needs to take a polygraph exam, and arrange for a full set of STD screens for both of you.

Welcome to Marriage Builders. You are not dealing with "double infidelity" you are dealing with your wife's infidelity. You are not having an affair; your wife is. So if you want to save your marriage, you should expose the affair everywhere and DEMAND that she quit her job. She should end all contact with the OM immediately.

Please go read the link in my signature and come back and let's discuss..

Dear MelodyLane,
You're right. My wife only had to deal with my unfaithful past, whereas I had to deal with her current and ongoing betrayal.
I've not exposed their relationship to their working place, family or friends.
I've, however, forced her to breakup with her boyfriend.
I've learned that their relationship started during one of their business trips, and were only via messengers after that. I personally don't think that exposing them boy further will help with the situation. In her perspective now, she has broken it's the up, and is only working with him purely as colleagues, and at most chatted as friends platonically.
By exposing her now, wouldn't that send her back to him for comfort? Even if they quit, they can still communicate in secret, and this time without supervision. At least for now, they're not communicating during office hours and when at home. It's the In between hours that I'm worried. Times when she travels, times when she's out of sight. I have difficulty coping with my suspicion. What if she has really broken off and is purely maintaining a work relationship only? In her mind, maybe she's no longer dealing with her infidellity, she's similarly expecting me to deal with her past.
I'm thinking whether we need to go for counselling. Will it really help?

I can't take these gutless BHs any more. I really can't!

How many times do we have to see these craven BHs, terrified of the WW's anger or displeasure, veer away from doing what must be done?

The reasons they use to mask their cowardice don't vary that much:

- "She told me it's over..." Oh, yeah, the lying skank is suddenly going to transform to the truthful, loving spouse!

- "I don't think it's necessary..." And BH's THINKING has served him so well until today, right?

- "There would be so much trouble/expense/concern...." Which is another way of saying, "I'm afraid!"

Let's put these cowards in their own board. I even have a name for it:

TWO STRIKES - NO BALLS!

Dude, save us all a lot of trouble, and go read Jeff_R's thread, or KGaa12's, or glassman's, or LJH's farther down. You might as well copy, edit, and prepare to paste all the agonizing posts they made after they failed to man up and do the difficult things to bring their WWs back to reality!

ISMU,

By exposing her now, wouldn't that send her back to him for comfort?

Right now for OM your WW was a wonderful experience, a fantasy he can remember over and over again for the rest of his life, a delicious secret, and a relationship OM will "someday" rekindle.

With exposure however you will replace these sweet memories with painful ones, loss of reputation, and it is more likely to make the OM avoid your WW in the future. Not even a fool touches a wasp nest twice.

They will no longer feel safe together as everyone knows what they are doing. They will no longer have cute cover stories about how they got together since everyone knows it is an affair based relationship. You are creating a barrier to them getting back together.

God Bless
Gamma

No, you most certainly have not. She sees him at work.


That is cute and winsome, but in reality is it the equivalent of an alcoholic changing the name of his drinks to "business drinks" and pretending to be sober. That is all that has happened here. Calling her affair a platonic relationship is a reflection of your denial.


Maybe you want to rethink this comment. Because you wouldn't be here if they weren't together.


Recovery is impossible as long as they continue to work together because she will be triggered with every contact. And she can't communicate in secret if her life is an open book. Her traveling job will also lead to more trysts.


Not at all. It will be a disaster when there is an ongoing affair.

By keeping her affair a secret, you are enabling the affair...at the expense of your marriage. I am sure the OM appreciates your help, but it sure does not help you in any sense.

This is what I'm having such a difficult time with. We have SO many so called men here that come for help and then don't have the balls to implement the help they are offered. I don't get it BH's. What the ever loving hell is your problem? Are you a fighter or not. Are you strong or not? Are you really manly husband material or not? (Pssst, little secret revealed here; women LOVE men of strength and detest cowering wimps).

I can't even fathom what most men do here, or don't do I should say. It literally makes my skin crawl to see men let their wives walk all over them while all the while banging someone else. Sickening.

Couldn't agree more with your post if I tried, NG.

Take control, fools!

Do you not see what she is doing? She pinky-swears that she is going to be "platonic" - 'Girl Scout's Honor' - and says in the same breath that she wants to go on a 'FANTASY TRIP' with him???

To whom? You THANKED HIM FOR REFRAINING FROM SCREWING YOUR WIFE?? Are you KIDDING???

This is SERIOUS denial.

And I couldn't disagree more.

This poster has been here less than 24 hours. The betrayed husbands with anger management problems (like NG) don't show up here around DDay as they're off stomping heads and getting themselves thrown in jail (as NG did). Instead we commonly get the intelligent more reserved and controlled devastated guys that don't know what to do so they start googling.... RESEARCHING answers and strategies. Researchers and strategists DON'T respond emotionally. They are careful and purposeful. They need to be convinced. They are men of all types...some more confident than others...but they are men, no doubt and they won't often respond emotionally to NG's berating them.

IMO..it's just a poor sales technique with the common newbie BH. Convince them with logic and give each one some time...

and...stop being fixated on their "balls".

Mr. W


p.s.- NG's technique may work for some..to each his own

The fact you had an affair means you should know how destructive and addictive it is and ready to fight HARDER than most BH's. You know she's not gonna truly break up with OM and be able to work with him remaining platonic. Your marriage is over unless you fight for her.

Your affair communicated to her that you didn't care about her...enabling her revenge affair confirms it. Time to show her you take your marriage seriously now.

The courage is in the doing.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - Affairs aren't about having fun. You aren't ruining her fun by not letting her have as much of an affair as you had. You are saving her additionally misery and degradation (by OM) who isn't your pal.

Never thought I would do this, but I disagree completely with you Mr. W. NG is not berating anyone, but telling it like it is. NG has on many occasions taken a soft stance when it was warranted. I have as well. This, IMO, isn't one of those occasions where it's applicable.

I can be a hand holder when needed, but I can also be an [censored] kicker when need be as well. It's up to me to choose how, just as it's your choice to pick how to approach a sitch.

I stand by what I wrote, and still believe in what NG wrote. WAY to many wimpy attitudes on this board from the BH's. Yeah, I know it's tough as hell to have to deal with all this (BTDT twice) but I sure as hell never took a lay down and take it approach either. I see more balls dangling from the BW's on this board than I do the BH's, and that's a fact.

I'm an action guy. Always have been and always will be. It just sickens me to see most of the men here cowering to women that are engaging in these follies at the expense of his marriage and family. What ever happened to fighting for and protecting you family? Where have those long ago natural instincts retired to?

You have your opinion, I have mine, and I certainly do respect yours. But from what I've seen lately from the newbie BHs on this board, I will stick to mine on this one and quite a few others on Page 1 of this board the past couple of days.

Now, the truth of the matter is that I wasn't even responding to the OP's post, but NG's, and in general at that (although my thoughts certainly did apply to the OP as well). However, that's neither here nor there. My main point is that it's quite ironic that we one helluva more lot of action oriented BWs on this board than we do BHs.

That begs the question: why??

Peace

No where did I suggest this poster or any other do anything except what has been shown to work, MW, and as such is the basis of the MB-affair-busting program. Pretty smarmy of you to drag into this conversation my pre-MB failures to conform to "commonly accepted modes of civilized conduct" (effective though they did prove to be!). I will take it, though, as a tribute that you have resorted to irrelevancies in surrogacy for actually having anything at hand to refute my contention that their nameless fear that "something" bad will happen if the BHs in question effectively dug their heels in and screamed, "I'm mad as HELL, and I'm putting an end to this!" is increasingly endemic to modern "culture", counter-productive, and disappointing!

Unlike most of the other BH's on page one, this guys "nameless fear" is that he doesn't have a leg to stand on stopping his wife's affair because he himself had an affair. He "fears" being hypocritical and needs help with that and not comments about "modern culture" nor about his balls (or lack thereof).

He could give a crap about the other BH's on this forum or anywhere. He's dealing with HIS crisis....not your Jersey Shore grandstanding about manliness.

Mr. W

p.s. - (effective though they did prove to be!)....WHAT...that's like the White Line claiming the Titanic "effectively" got most of it's passengers across the ocean. You were in jail, out of the marital home, with protective orders in place and having homicidal ideation about OM's children. Your ways put you in the worst possible position but by the grace of God your wife came around and saved YOU from yourself. Your wife saved you!!!

...Jersey Shore grandstanding... ? Really, MW? You're reduced to thinly veiled ethnic attacks in lieu of cogent discourse? What's next? Would you care to comment on my ugly dog, too?

Pathetic!

I have no idea what ethnicity you are. Is Annoying even one?

Enough you two

Let's get back to helping the original poster

Have you read up on exposure? You ready to drop the bomb?

You could also tell about your own affair. That would really show you are standing up for your marriage.

Remember affairs thrive in secrecy.

You were in jail, out of the marital home, with protective orders in place and having homicidal ideation about OM's children.

Slight misrepresentations to the story. Might as well be accurate.

You were in jail, Nope, arraigned and ROR'd before 7am

out of the marital home, with protective orders in place This is true.

and having homicidal ideation about OM's children. Had, and ultimately rejected would be accurate!

And those admittedly irrational actions were the spur to shock then-WW out of her fog. The only "saving" that is of import is that we together "saved" our marriage. (That's my polite way of saying that your trying to bait me into a debate about facts of which you have no knowledge, and no inclination to accept them from the only person having them, is reaching yet new lows.)

But why do you fixate on my errors, MW? More pointedly, I would think that where I failed is of interest only in urging this poster to take advantage of the much more rational (and legal) recipe of exposure promulgated herein.

And btw: I'm not impressed by your underhanded "editing" of past posts, after being responded to, to have subsequent calumnies lurk unnoticed. Add this little tactic to twice introducing irrelevant distracting facts into a discussion, and executing ad hominem personal ethnic attacks and I must begin "wondering" where your integrity lies!

Thank you BerlinMB, BrainHurts, NeverGuessed, MrWondering. Thank you for your advises. They were constructive. The last thing I want to do in this board is to stir up other's emotions. Sorry if I had.

Dear BrainHurts,
Sorry, but I'm not ready to expose. Maybe it's a cultural thing, maybe I don't have enough balls, whatever. I just believe there's hope for us without having to go there.
I did told her about my past affair too. That just made her angry and ran to him for comfort, which was what fused me even more. She claims that she has no one to confide to in her life except him. But anyway, here's an update about us over the last 2 days:

I've finally exploded. I couldn't contain my jealousy, nor being paranoid everytime she looks at her phone. They're not working face-to-face, but more over conference at work. They communicate over Whatsapp. I blew up. I told her they cannot even be platonic, and that if she loves me still, she needs to display some sincerity and action to prove that she values our relationship more than her "friendship". She cannot seek comfort from him, as that's a trigger to my heartaches. She cannot even say good morning to him, platonic friends don't say good morning and night to each other. I cannot accept the statement "we're just friends".She need to acknowledge that they are more than just friends, and manage her actions accordingly. She needs to avoid all triggers that will fire me up. If she cannot show me any signs of sincerity, she have to say her goodbyes to me and the kids instead. If she can risk and live by that, she can continue to do whatever she wants.

I confronted the guy too, demanding that he is to ignore, and avoid my wife at all cost. Turns out that the guy insisted that it was a misunderstanding, and that it was my wife who falsely interpreted and assumed they were having a relationship. He treated her only as a friend, and never wanted to intrude, and had been counselling my wife. What a [censored]! He lead my wife on for an entire month, and still got the cheek to say so. I told my wife, and she got so confused. I told he's just being a flirt and when things got tough, he just tried to wriggle away as if he has no part in it. What a [censored]!

My wife is now going through shock and is feeling very guilty. I told her if she ever needed someone to talk to, it cannot be him. He cannot be the one who gives her comfort, even if really she interpreted, and is really just a friend. She has to let go of that friendship. Yesterday, she called me to accompany her after her night run. I appreciated it. In the past she would be happily chatting away with him outside the house . This shows that she is trying really hard to detach from him.

Even if what the guy said is true, that he doesn't have feelings for her, and she is just being delusional, her feelings for her are real. This would also reflect a serious problem in our marriage. i.e. She's so stressed up by the kids' nonsense, family pressure, and work stress that she became delusion about someone showing care for her at work, and grabbing it to be a relationship.

I wasn't there for her in the past. But I am now.
She has agreed to go for counselling. I think the root cause of our problems stems all the way back to how she manage herself also, her anger, her frustrations.
I hope both of us work out. It's a long road ahead. I hope we can deal with the rebound also, as I'm pretty sure the emotions will come back and we'll need to deal with it again.
But as long as she knows that I love her that much to go through her nonsense, and if she still loves me, I believe there's hope.

Thank you all for your time and responses. This forum has been great for someone like me to seek advise and dump my emotions.
I hope the next time I post anything, would be good news + help to others.