Hi Everyone,

My wife has been involved in a LTA with a guy (single, no kids) for around two years. D day was November 2012. Upon discovery, my wife was sobbing, seemingly remorseful, begging me not to divorce. Since then this persona has not returned and she has been unable or unwilling to to give up this relationship, though it seems to have cooled down considerably.

She has never left me for him and, strange though it may sound, she does love me and I love her. She has many deep problems. Not excusing her, just saying.

We are on our second separation. I have done Plan A and a half-assed Plan B. it is hard because we coparent two young kids.

Recently I started moving toward divorce, but cannot bring myself to go through with it. Again, I do love her and believe she loves me. My plan is to wait it out another six months and then resolve to divorce if she still cannot end it with him forever.

We had a wonderful marriage prior to the affair, and built a rich life with our family. I do not want to give this up. But I know this cannot continue.

My question: has anyone reconciled after a LTA? If so, how did the affair end?

Thanks so much for sharing your experiences.

Hi AD67,

Welcome to MB and sorry about the reasons that have brought you here.

The vets will be here soon as the Boards are slower on weekends.

For now, can you tell us whether the affair been widely exposed to your family, children, friends and the OM's family and friends (does OM have a GF?). How did she meet the OM?

Hang in there, help will arrive soon. The posters on this forum have helped me save my marriage and life.

BW

While you are waiting, please check out the thread at the top of the Surviving Infidelity portion of this forum. It is by Fireproof and the thread name is
"Start here first -- Welcome Aboard"
It will give you a list of what needs to be done.
Read those and others will be here soon.

Sorry for your pain

BW

Welcome to MB, abbondad. I read your post about the threatening communications. Are they connected to this OM, do you think?

The title of your thread is somewhat misleading. A 2-year affair is not particularly "long-term". I only point that out because I think that focusing on that as a feature is making you think this affair will be harder to kill, and I don't think that the two years is a defining feature at all.

What is a crucial feature is that this man is single and yet has not taken your wife away from you. He has no wife or kids to feel an obligation to, and yet this affair has not resulted in a commitment between them.

I think that this affair can be killed dead, and that your wife would return to you if that happened. It would help if you told us the full details. How did she meet him - is he an old boyfriend? Do they work together? How do they maintain contact these days - does he live in your neighbourhood? How old are you both, and your kids? Is this the first marriage for you both?

How did you discover the affair? What happened after D Day that enabled them to stay in contact? If she has not left him for you and yet you are separated, then you have left her. Why did you do that? Where do you live now - are you paying for somewhere to rent? Why did you go back the first time, and how did you rediscover the affair, causing you to leave again?

If you can tell us how this keeps happening, we can help you to stop it for good, so please give as many details as possible.

My H had a 3.5-year PA that was enabled by his travelling abroad for work, and after he stopped travelling although they never saw each other again, they still maintained telephone contact for 5 more years through his workplace, which I could not monitor. The solution was for him to retire from his job altogether. However, I dont think my story will be of particular use to you, because a cake-eating married man like my H is very different from a wife having an affair. I wouldn't worry about other people's stories but focus on telling us yours and taking the steps to kill this affair.

You have to kill the affair.
You have to expose the affair to people close to your wife and the other man. Have you done this?
Are you still in Plan A or are you in a modified Plan B?
If you plan on saving your marriage, and it sounds savable, you need to be true to Plan A.

There is no such thing, Just.

We need to kill that term on this forum.

I have done Plan A and a half-assed Plan B.

Have you exposed this affair to everyone on both sides? If not, you can't truly even begin a plan A.

Half Assed plan B = No Plan B

Dad,

It seems to me that you have allowed your wife to cake eat for two years now. Granted, there are a lot of details that you have left out that need to be filled it. After reading your original post, it seems like your wife has enjoyed both you and her AP with little to no consequences.

Please read up on Exposure, Dr. H's books, the links on this site etc..

You also need to go into this knowing that some of the things you are asked to do are not going to be easy. Some of the things may make your wife angry. The bottom line is...THEY WORK!!! They are the only way to kill and affair, keep it dead, and restore your marriage to one that is even better than the pre-affair one.

Step 1 however is exposure - FAR AND WIDE AND ON BOTH SIDES...have you done this yet?

You don't need hypotheticals, sir. You need a PLAN. A clear, and concise PLAN.


What do you know about this OM? His family? Friends?

Is this someone your wife works with?


One of the key affair-killing moves you will need to implement is EXPOSURE; expose this affair to your parents and siblings, her parents and siblings, close friends of the marriage, your children. If this OM is a coworker, expose to her work place.

If she wishes to recover the marriage, she needs to QUIT that job.


You need to study up Plan A. Six months is a good stretch for Plan A.

Know that in many cases, Plan B is not an effective course of action for a Wayward Wife (WW). If it is to be an effective course of action, it has to be set up by a stellar Plan A before hand.

You are going to have to do your best to learn to meet her emotional needs expertly, and eliminating ALL Love Busters (LBs).


Separations need to STOP.



YOU DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME.


If she wants to separate, SHE NEEDS TO MOVE OUT. Not. You.

If you divorce, you will not be supporting her. This is part of the "stick" of Plan A - not protecting the wayward from the consequences of adultery.


So, for now;


1) EXPOSE.

2) Be in your home.

3) Meet ENs and avoid LBs.


These are the tools to kill the affair.

Please read. Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

And Men Do Not Leave Your Home

Thank you, Everyone.

To fill in the blanks in my situation and answer a few of your questions:

My wife met him at work, but they no longer work together. Neither works for the company so nobody to "out" to there.

There is nobody that I can "out" the affair to that in my opinion might make a difference. I have considered emailing the man's father to inform him that his son is complicit in destroying a family. But blood is thicker than water, so I have no confidence in this. (Her family knows about the affair and is on my "side." They want to see us reconciled.)

I have never moved out; my wife has. She did return home around two months ago, declaring that she is committing herself to our family and would end it with this man. She could not. The emotional ties are apparently too deep and she went into serious withdrawal, which resulted in her resuming phone contact.

(He lives around a half hour away from me and from my wife's apartment.).

We had a blow up and she moved out for the second time.

Plan B simply does not work for us--too much contact about the kids as well as other details. It just doesn't work.

What did seem to bring her to her "epiphany" and back home last time was Plan A. Should I try again?

She is really the one who can't let go. From what I can glean he is none too keen on inheriting a middle aged woman and two kids, as well as a deep attachment to her husband. (Me.).

I am 46 and she is 42. Our kids are 9 and 6. The man is 38.

This all seemed to begin when my wife turned 40 and perhaps entered some sort of midlife crisis. She said she felt like she was seventeen again, hung out with him and his friends (all younger), became very age conscious and exhibitionistic.

She has rewritten our marriage (it was largely wonderful) and has blame shifted to a bizarre extent.

I am furious and devastated, but she is also in agony of her "choice." She has never been able to "let go" in relationships, having had serious abandonment issues all her life. (Biological father left her, stepdad left her.).

She has stopped therapy and believes she can "come back" to me when she has worked out her "issues." I see no progress.

I hope this helps and you can help me. I love her deeply and want desperately to keep our family intact, but I am truly on the verge of divorce.

Thanks so much.

Take heart.

As mentioned, two years is not long term really.

You have a chance to implement the plans and break the affair up.

You might need to do a real plan B.

OM would need to meet all her needs during that time and may or may not be able to do so.

Plan B is not a guarantee the affair will die out and the marriage survive but it is do able even with a six year old and nine year old (with the help of a decent intermediary to arrange visitations for WW).

BTW....there is no such thing as a midlife crisis. Not really. It is more about needs being met or not met and weak boundaries in someone.

This would be a really good place to start. I would not email his father, but go to his house or call him personally. If the OM has a facebook account, I would strategically target his family members and married friends and expose to them all. Use the tactics and letter templates in my exposure thread. The reasons you give above for not exposing to the OM's father are not good reasons to skip this step. You don't select exposure targets based on some promise of how they will react. You will NEVER know how an exposure target will react. He might tell you to go to hell, and then again, he might end the affair that day.

If you haven't exposed to the OM's family and friends, you have missed a HUGE opportunity to kill the affair. No woman wants to think that she can't ever join a man's family because they all know she is a skank.


It would work just fine. We have people here who have INFANTS who successfully do Plan B.

And I would most certainly tell your children TODAY about the affair. Tell them why adultery is immoral and give them the full name of the OM so they will know who the enemy of their family is.


Therapy is a complete waste of time and a distraction from saving your marriage. That is progress that she stopped going. "Working out her issues" really means "biding time while I conduct my affair."

"Mid life crisis" is a form on denial that is common with spouses of wayward cheaters. They call it "mid life crisis" instead of facing the real problem in the marriage: THE AFFAIR.

Only about 1/4th of our couples here are in the "mid life" age range but they act exactly the same as those who are age 25 and age 55.

P.S. we have had parents of cheaters who ended the affair themselves. Some parents really do care and believe that "blood is thicker than water" and won't tolerate their own children behaving like a degenerate.

If my grown, married son had an affair, there would be hell to pay. I would run off his OW. Because I CARE about him.

The people who say "we just want him to be happy" when he is having an affair don't give a DAMN about their child. I always tell them we should all be grateful their child is not a serial killer. Saying they "just want him to be happy" is an excuse that non caring parents use.

You don't sound like a stupid man. Plan B has been accomplished in much more difficult situatations than yours. I'm not sure why you're balking at this. You DO understand that your kids and wife will be away from you after a divorce, right? And you don't think Plan B will 'work' for you? How do you plan to handle divorce?

Thank you, everyone,

I don't mean to curtly dismiss Plan B, but again, I cannot sustain it due to practicalities. For example, we have no intermediaries for child exchanges. I have done it several times but it always cracks. Again Plan A is I believe what brought her back home the first time.

Has anyone reimplemented Plan A with success? It is much easier for me. For example, she spent some time at our home the other day; I had painted our bedroom. She burst into tears, did my laundry and cleaned the bathroom. In other words she seemed lured back into our family life and wanted me to join her and our kids for the day at her apartment.

This makes me feel subservient and rather like a doormat, but it does give me some hope. It's easier for me to "hang in there" with Plan A.

To return to my original thread title/question, any success stories with LTAs? Some people IRL advise me to just divorce her now; some tell me that seven or eight months after D day is not long enough to make such a life altering decision, particularly if we love each other. I know, her actions are not those of love, but I do not want to utterly dismantle our lives only to regret it.

She has always maintained we should separate and has never wanted divorce. I know, cake eating. But naive as it may sound, we really did have a wonderful, rich history and family life prior to this.

Advice and/or admonitions are welcome!

"Know that in many cases, Plan B is not an effective course of action for a Wayward Wife (WW). If it is to be an effective course of action, it has to be set up by a stellar Plan A before hand."

Why is this?

(Again, I do believe my unwavering Plan A is what brought her back into our home and family after our first separation. This is why I am giving it another try. As soon as I do this, she tends to gravitate back toward me and her family.)

abbondad67,

Understand that the purpose of Plan B is to protect a betrayed spouse from the continued emotional fallout of an affair. It is not really a marriage recovery tool. In the case of some wayward husbands and even fewer wayward wives it has had the effect of making them take stock of their situation and decide to recover, but that is not its primary purpose. Generally, Dr. Harley advises men to Plan A longer, if they want to recover their marriage.

Have you exposed the affair far and wide? This is a part of Plan A.

You need to tell people regardless of what you think their reaction will be. Let them pick their own reaction. Even if they do not support you, their reactions toward the waywards will likely change so much that it will have a detrimental effect on the affair!

Exactly.

Where are you on exposure? Who all did you expose to?

"Where are you on exposure? Who all did you expose to?"

Hi,

There is nobody to expose to. By now, everyone knows: my wife's family and friends... The OM's brother knows. I assume therefore that his father knows as well.

People knowing is not the same as you exposing. Contact people and tell them. You don't know what they've been told or how the story has been spun.

Don't assume stuff. And it's irrelevant to assume that he knows. YOU need to tell him, even if he already knows from some other source.

Please expose the affair.

If you want to keep trying Plan A, that's up to you. Look your best. Be the best Dad you can. Exercise. Be pleasant to be around. Make your home the great place that WW would like to return to. No angry outbursts.

But don't forget the stick of Plan A either. Your job is to make the affair not fun for both your WW and the OM.

The people that supposedly know have been told lies by your lying wife and her lying adultery partner. YOU talk to them.

Here's what your WW tells them: "Abandad67 is too controlling. I've never been happy in this marriage. I've been sacrificing my happiness for so many years, I finally have to do what's right for me." Waywards all say the same thing.

Call his dad today. When I called the OM's Dad, he was livid. If OM dumps your WW, that's great!

Let WW know that she ends this affair immediately. Let her know that if this goes to divorce you will seek full custody and will be divorcing her on the grounds of adultery, and you will be suing for full child support.

Cancel joint cards and joint bank accounts. You are not paying for her to cheat on you. Do not threaten this, just do it.

Your WW is lost at sea. Be the lighthouse.

This all seemed to begin when my wife turned 40 and perhaps entered some sort of midlife crisis. She said she felt like she was seventeen again, hung out with him and his friends (all younger), became very age conscious and exhibitionistic.

This same school of thought with the turning 40 thing was part of my wife's problem when she had an A recently. She is 39 and will turn 40 on her next birthday. She actually called it a midlife crisis and became overly conscious of her appearance at all times, started going to a tanning bed, etc. I too am new here but can tell you that the folks here can really help you out if you just follow their advice precisely as they say. Hang in there, it will work if you let them. I have turned the corner and you can too!

"Your WW is lost at sea. Be the lighthouse."

She certainly is. I have begun Plan A again as I have shelved divorce yet again. She tearfully told me that she has been looking at houses more in OUR price range if WE downsize in the future. Left our house for her apartment in tears. Many "I love you's" from her. That is, she is speaking in terms of a future together.

Now, these words, though they reignite a dim spark of hope emotionally, really mean nothing to me intellectually. I have heard them and variations of them many times over the last eight months (since D day). Actions are another matter. I have seen none.

I am doing much better at Plan A than I did the first time around--which resulted (at least in part) in her moving back home. I don't dissolve in tears after I see her, or at least the tears don't last as long and are not as intense. Her lease on the separation apartment is up in January. This is my deadline. If she has not ended her affair utterly--NC, transparency, everything--unsolicited, I will divorce her. I have not told her of this timeline.

Advice? Support? Criticism?

BUT, plan A is not effective without a comprehensive exposure. Did you expose to the OMs father?

I do think its a good idea to give yourself a deadline, but I wouldn't tell her this. It will come across as blackmail.