I found out April 17th that my husband of 12 years was having an emotional affair with a 22 year old he trains at the gym after people we knew at the gym told a family member that he was constantly with this girl and their behavior wasnt inappropriate per say but had raised eyebrows (ie people who did not know him thought they were a couple and they were always working out together). I found a message from her calling him "babe" and saying "love you" at the end of it. I blew up (wrong I know but I couldn't control myself in the moment). We had a huge arguement and I threw him to the guest room. The next day, he texted to ask where he should go that night and I asked him to go to a hotel. This resulted in us living apart for 6 weeks (despite my asking him repeteadly after 3 nights at a hotel to come home so we could at least try to work on it). I continued snooping and discovered (because he was pathetically bad at covering his tracks and did a lot of things right out in the open) that their relationship had turned physical on at least one occasion. He swore it was just making out--no sex--and he felt incredibly guilty. But he still wouldn't come home. "Just wasn't sure if we could fix things or if he could go through the hell I would put him through to make it up to me." This went on for several more weeks despite my trying my best to convince him that our family was worth fighting for. Finally, I found him with her at 2am going into the house he was staying in while we were seperated. (This was after he had decided that he wanted to sleep elsewhere but really try to work on our marriage and had been spending lots of time at the house). Obviously that resulted in a huge fight. She screamed at me and was just awful. Told me he was her friend and she cared about him and the way I was treating him. Needless to say, two days later when I could finally get him to face me, he cried and cried like a baby. Said he was so ashamed and that he couldn't understand why he was acting this way. He asked what it would take to get to come home and I laid it out. Cut off all contact, quit the gym, move back home to the guest bed, tell me the truth or I am filing for divorce next week. He showed up the next morning with all his stuff and said he agreed. He never did any of it. He said after a few days that he had thought about it and doesn't want to give up something he really loves doing (coaching at the gym) when he doesn't think I'll ever get over it. He even had this girl call me and beg me to let him still train her. I refused. She said she understood and would leave him alone. He continued coaching her and swore it was strictly coaching. I told him I would not accept this. I then decided that I would spend a few weeks putting our problems on a shelf and trying really hard to meet all of his needs that he says I wasn't meeting (he spent a lot of time blaming me for his actions). Things went ok for a while even though it was hard. Then we went on a family trip with our kids. We had a wonderful time but I intercepted a text from her saying "miss you love". I flipped. He minimized it and explained it away. "She calls everyone that. Theres nothing going on" BS The following weekend I booked an extremely expensive trip to our favorite spot that we always loved going together. He had a complete change of heart while we were there. So amazing, loving and affectionate the whole time. No looking at his phone and gave me total undivided attention. When we got back, he said he really wanted to fix things and again asked me what he would need to do. I again told him the list. A few days later, I found an email between them from the day we were coming home from our trip. She was upset because her friends had all told her he was just using her and stringing her along and that he was probably having sex with me on our trip. He replied that he still cared about her and that we didn't have sex (WE DID) and that her friends were wrong. I again drew the line in the sand and said NO MORE! He agreed that this past Monday would be his last day at the gym and that he would call her in front of me and tell her to never contact him again. The following evening, he told me he had again changed his mind because he doesn't want to give up coaching when he knows I will never forgive him and his life is going to be a living hell trying to make it up to me. I have cried and cried and I am barely functioning. I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose my family but I also don't know if I can go on with such a deceitful man. I would like to do everything I can to try to save our marriage but I just don't know what to do! Please help.
Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain.
Who have you exposed to? Have you been tested for STD/STIs?
Also please read all the threads in here.
Start Here First-Welcome Aboard
Thank you so much for your reply. I have exposed to some. His mother knows a little but he denied it to her at first and then admitted there was sometging but minimized it to her. She certainly doesn't think it's still goin on. She thinks he is trying to work it out. I've exposed it to some of my friends (I'm an extremely private person and it's very hard to talk about) but he sees them as my friends not his and he doesn't care. I've exposed to a few of his friends but he doesn't know they know. I've tried to tell him people all over the gym are talking about it but he doesn't believe me. He thinks everyone love him there. The truth is they all think he is a world class selfish jerk. But he refuses to see this. He has always had an issue with not seeing how his behavior is perceived by others.
I have not been tested yet because I truly felt this man didn't have it in his heart to do this to me. Now I'm beginning to see how much he has been lying and that probably includes what has happened between them. I feel like such a fool.
If you read around here enough you will see that all waywards follow the same script.
You need to expose this. You need to expose on her side. Did you read the exposure thread?
I read some of it. Does it always work? I'm really scared of his reaction and that it will make it worse. I did do a little research and found that she is from an ultra Christian family who founded a group in town focused on raising Christian children. I should also mention that my husband is 15 years older than her. Disgusting.
I read some of it. Does it always work? I'm really scared of his reaction and that it will make it worse. I did do a little research and found that she is from an ultra Christian family who founded a group in town focused on raising Christian children. I should also mention that my husband is 15 years older than her. Disgusting.
It is your best weapon to kill the affair and save your marriage. You must kill the affair or your marriage will never make it.
You must expose to her parents. They may be your best support to kill their affair and support your marriage.
You need to expose to the gym. So they know their employee is setting them up for a possible sexual harassment case.
Get your exposure list ready ans tell us who is on your list. If you read the exposure thread and use the templates they are written very well in asking for them to help support your marriage.
Dev: Please listen to the people here. Exposure (read up, don't wing it) is the very first step you need and must take if you want to save your marriage. Read a lot right here so that you understand the direction and the goal (s).
Take your time, as in a few days, and ask questions. Start thinking in terms of a battle...stay calm, and plan. You need to be a calm sister, OK? We'll help you kill this affair, which is what needs to happen immediately, but calmly. No need to be frantic (tough as it is), and freaked out. Stay calm, cool, and read...and then listen. Listen hard and well.
As hard as it is to hear, your situation is terribly common, and so is the outcome if you do nothing. You can do this. Read and listen, OK? YOu are going to HATE the idea of exposure...and, you will fight it and fear it.
Your outcome is hinged on killing the affair, and that my girl, is in your hands. You'll do it.
I read some of it. Does it always work? I'm really scared of his reaction and that it will make it worse.
Devastated you need to be more afraid of what may happen if you do not expose. Have you given any thought to what it will be like if this POSOW gets pregnant?
Read the Exposure 101 thread and get your plan together.
Your WH will be furious. Don't be afraid of that ...be prepared for it. Cool, calm and in control.
Read everything here. You need to take the time to learn about affairs and to understand the MB program. There is never any guarantee in life but MB will give you the best chance if you follow it.
Yikes. That is an absolutely sickening thought. I have read a lot today and will continue tomorrow. I have felt so helpless and I am NOT a helpless person. I have been so desperate for a plan and I feel like I have some support other than sympathy from friends/family for the first time in 3 months. I don't wish this on anyone. It has been hell on Earth. Thank you all for your support!
Surfer88: Thank you so much for your kind words. They really help a lot. Unfortunately, I have already been frantic. I have made all the mistakes: taking the blame, begging, promising etc. So humiliating. I just cant not phathom that this man has done this to me or to our boys. He has always been so in love with me but now says I am too hard on him and don't give him enough sex which has made him feel rejected. I agree that is probably true, but no excuse. He could have been watering our own lawn instead of looking for greener grass. I do hate the idea of exposure. It scares the crap out of me. But I am scared of the alternative more and I can't just sit by and do nothing.
***I should also mention that training at the gym is a side hobby--not our source of income. Should be super easy to let go, right?!?!
Dev, I am sorry for the circumstances that have brought you to this forum.
Listen to the vets about exposure, they know of what they speak.
I did a little trickle exposure before reading MB after my second D-Day. Something inside told me that was the only way I could get my WS to stop cake eating. I was terrified, but at six months after the first D-Day I just could not take the cake eating anymore. I then waited five months before I exposed to everyone else because at that time WS was at the very least fence sitting. Very effective, but my WS is very stubborn and these major actions of mine have an effect for about two weeks and then he climbs back up on the fence.
Full and radical exposure to everyone. He will be angry unless he fits the small 1-2% of waywards who are tired of the hassle and stress of an A and want to be caught so that it will end.
(I made up that percentage for my point so do not quote me.
I am truly sorry for your pain. I apologize if the above post appears to be insensitive in any way, that was not at all my intention.
Do not feel bad about the initial reactions to this awful discovery, yours are human and very common.
You will get the support and guidance you need on this website. Some of the vets have been around here for years and are very knowledgeable in this ugly side of life.
Good job finding MB!
You weren't insensitive at all! I am so grateful for the support and guidance. My family and close friends want to help but they don't know what I should do and are jaded by their anger at WH. Which he very much deserves. I am going to go home and do lots of reading again today and try to come up with a plan. Thank you!
You weren't insensitive at all! I am so grateful for the support and guidance. My family and close friends want to help but they don't know what I should do and are jaded by their anger at WH. Which he very much deserves. I am going to go home and do lots of reading again today and try to come up with a plan. Thank you!
That is understandable because your family does not know what it takes to recover a Marriage from an affair.
Dr. Harley has over 40+ years in helping couples recover.
Have you got your exposure list ready? Who is on your list?
Have you made an appointment with your doctor for STD/STIs?
We are very plan orientated here at MB. If have a Plan and follow it that will help you get through this horrible time.
You'd be surprised at how empowered you will feel AFTER you face that fear while trembling.
Yay! Good for you...helpless is cute for about 5 minutes.
You sound strong, and I applaud you.
One thing here to note is, 99.9999999999% of those that share feedback and direction here are like that "one" family member that will tell you the truth at all costs. Objectively and with logic. Don't discount that, because as you move forward you are going to fight the advice you get here. And, you are going to grieve the perceived outcome. Then you are going to grieve the immediate outcome, and so on...oh, and then you are going to likely lash out at the posters here and tell us that your situation is different, and that we don't know you, and that all circumstances don't fit into one mold, and that your family has complications that we could not possibly know about...you see?
To point out a pattern is NOT to minimize your situation, but rather to present >> right in front of you << a solution. A proven one in so many cases. Not perfect and not guaranteed, but the best so far.
Stay firm with your reading here, and come on back with questions. You have found the best resource to save your marriage, and keep your sanity will trying to do so. Stay close...you will find crazy support here along with direction.
I actually find some comfort in the fact that they all follow a pattern. Makes his INSANE choices at least make some sort of sense. I have read and read and compiled a list and talked with friends all day. But the more I thought about it and the more I am coming to realize just exactly what it is that he has done to me, our marriage and our children--not to mention the completely cruel way that he has reacted to my discovery....more lies, games, fence sitting, blaming me, anger, annoyance etc. and to now realize that he has continued at least some part of their relationship in the 6 weeks that he has been back here. I am just feeling realy fed up and I just don't know if this is a man that I want in my life. His actions are utterly dispicable and I deserve better than this. He is not a person deserving of the amazing family and life that we had. Has anyone else gone through that on their road to reconciliation?
But the more I thought about it and the more I am coming to realize just exactly what it is that he has done to me, our marriage and our children--not to mention the completely cruel way that he has reacted to my discovery....more lies, games, fence sitting, blaming me, anger, annoyance etc. and to now realize that he has continued at least some part of their relationship in the 6 weeks that he has been back here. I am just feeling realy fed up and I just don't know if this is a man that I want in my life. His actions are utterly dispicable and I deserve better than this. He is not a person deserving of the amazing family and life that we had. Has anyone else gone through that on their road to reconciliation?
From what I experienced, your situation with his anger, blame, fence sitting, continued lies, etc. after discovery is exactly the same as my experience in the first weeks, post discovery.
Additionally, your feelings right now are identical to how I felt.
I will not lie to you, when a BS discovers the affair vs. the affair ending naturally and the WS fessing up "somewhat" freely, the immediate aftermath is far more difficult because you do not have a remorseful, regretful, penitent WS. Your WS is angry at you for spoiling his fun, not to mention the fact that it was all your fault that he had the affair in the first place.
OK, that is the bad news. The good news is that it will get better, your emotions and feelings are going to change (they will change day by day, hour by hour and minute by minute) when you think not of what your WS deserves, but what your children deserve and the type of marriage you deserve to have. Listen to the advise of the vets and follow it precisely. Get to know the guidelines for Radical Exposure (the only way to insure the end of an affair ESPECIALLY when it was discovered vs. ending naturally), Plan A and Plan B extremely well and carry them out just as and when you are instructed to do so. This will be the fastest way to a better life for you, either with or without WS.
Lots of people have teconciled after exposure.
Lots, like me, did not.
Its the ONLY way to kill an affair though.
He's like a crack addict. As long as he's allowed to sneak off without facing peoples disgust - he will.
By training with this girl, they've made lovebank deposits and one day he fell in love with her. But he was still in love with you.
Male waywards in particular are gvery good at compartmentalising. When with her, he thinks only of her - when with you he loves you.
He can NEVER see her again as she is like alcohol to an alcoholic - zero control. And he probably HAS slept with her.
Use their loved ones support to split them apart. This is a shameful secret relationship that will never work. Exposure is a good way for them to see that.
You will actually enjoy being strong and facing this evil. Expose.
If he does react badly (they all do) and REMAINS unrepentant, then he will never be an honest humble person who is capable of recovery.
But you will know you did all you could.
Good luck
I actually find some comfort in the fact that they all follow a pattern. Makes his INSANE choices at least make some sort of sense. I have read and read and compiled a list and talked with friends all day. But the more I thought about it and the more I am coming to realize just exactly what it is that he has done to me, our marriage and our children--not to mention the completely cruel way that he has reacted to my discovery....more lies, games, fence sitting, blaming me, anger, annoyance etc. and to now realize that he has continued at least some part of their relationship in the 6 weeks that he has been back here. I am just feeling realy fed up and I just don't know if this is a man that I want in my life. His actions are utterly dispicable and I deserve better than this. He is not a person deserving of the amazing family and life that we had. Has anyone else gone through that on their road to reconciliation?
Yes and here is an article about it.
But your effort to end the affair with thoughtfulness and care, and even exposure, doesn't always work. In many cases a wayward spouse is so trapped by the addiction that he or she does not have the will-power to do the right thing. Once in a while the fog lifts and the cruelty and tragedy of the affair hits the wayward spouse right between the eyes. In a moment of grief and guilt, he or she promises to end it. But then the pain of withdrawal symptoms often brings back the fog with all its excuses and rationalization, and the affair is on again.
Affairs are an addiction and until you EXPOSE and remove all the conditions that made the affair possible, you will have no chance of recovering your marriage.
Expose to the gym, the OW parents, and anyone of influence in your WH life. Ask for their support in helping the waywards end their cruel and selfish behaviour.
The article continues
Sometimes a wayward spouse settles into a routine of having his or her cake and eating it too. In an effort to win the wayward spouse back, the betrayed spouse meets emotional needs that the lover cannot meet, while the lover meets emotional needs that the betrayed spouse has not learned to meet. While this competition is excruciatingly painful to the betrayed spouse, and the lover as well, the wayward spouse basks in the warmth of being loved and cared for by two people, with no real motivation to choose one over the other.
So, to avoid an indefinite period of suffering while a wayward spouse vacillates between spouse and lover, and to avoid rewarding the selfish behavior of having needs met by both spouse and lover, if plan A does not work within a reasonable period of time, I recommend plan B.
Plan B is for the betrayed spouse to avoid all contact with the wayward spouse until the affair has completely ended and the wayward spouse has agreed to my plan for recovery. In many cases, once an affair has ended, a betrayed spouse makes the mistake of taking the wayward spouse back before an agreement is made regarding marital recovery. This leads to a return to all the conditions that made the affair possible -- love is not restored, resentment is not overcome, and there is a very great risk for another affair. Without agreement and subsequent implementation of a plan for recovery, the betrayed spouse is better off continuing with plan B.
Here is a link to the entire article
hereHave you bought the book SAA yet?
I actually find some comfort in the fact that they all follow a pattern.
They all turn into the same person. And he is not the man you once knew, now he's an addict. He remains an addict until No Contact has been in place for some time and he is through withdrawal.
For example his traits are typical
Using a separation to continue the affair = typical
Blaming the betrayed spouse for not meeting needs, demonising her as being unforgiving and offering 'hell' in the future = typical.
Vowing one course of action one day, changing their mind the next = typical.
You might find the following thread useful for seeing just how predictable his behaviour is.
Never Take the Word of a Wayward You must stop listening to his rambling and excuses. You would get more sense from the town drunk. He will say anything right now to keep his cake eating with two women going. He has no idea what he wants, so it is silly to ask him.
If you listen to him, he will just keep you on the Betrayed Spouses's see saw of heartbreak. One day he will promise to quit seeing her, nthe ext day he will blame you for being a harridan and say you are not worth it.
It is time to stop talking and start doing. Exposure - a good one with all targets hit QUICKLY - is what must be done next.
Stop talking, start acting. An addict will not pay attention to anything less.
Please expose fully and completely having read the exposure thread for instructions on how to do it EFFECTIVELY.
Don't do a half-effort exposure, that does not work. Do it right.
I haven't bought the book yet. I have two small children at home for the summer and not a lot of free time. So I have been reading on here and thinking things through over and over in my mind trying to come up with the best plan.
My WH has a lot of insecurities but covers them up with bravado and arrogance. This OW is supremely unattractive (my WH is quite handsome) and it is obvious to me that she is just feeding his ego like crazy.
Yesterday, in addition to reading and planning, I went and bought the sexiest dress his money could buy for an event I am going to without him tomorrow night:) I plan on walking out of this house and leaving his jaw on the floor. I also booked an appointment with my OB. That's going to be a hard discussion since he has delivered our children.
MY WH has been out of town for work this week but is due back today. I have really enjoyed the peace of him being gone, me left with my thoughts and babies and not one time did I have to worry about whether he was with her or not. If only I could get to that place all the time.
Question about exposure: Is it still as effective if WH doesn't know it was me that exposed everything? I'd really like to expose without being on the receiving end of any more of his anger. And yes, I have laughed many times at how many of you have said how resistant I would be to exposure and that I would fight it. So true, so true. I want to do it so bad but am scared that it will be the nail in the coffin of my marriage. So will the afair. I am stuck in an impossible situation. Any success stories with exposure that anyone would like to share?
I am also having a hard time deciding if I should do Plan A or just go to Plan B. I have been doing a Plan A of sorts before I discovered this site. But not with full exposure. I am just SO done with this whole situation! It is so monumentally unfair to me and to our babies. Ugh.....
I want to do it so bad but am scared that it will be the nail in the coffin of my marriage. So will the afair. I am stuck in an impossible situation.
The only thing you will have to lose by exposing will be a loveless and uncaring marriage.
Your WH and OW are living in a fantasy.
Exposure and a dose of reality are your most powerful weapon.
Plan B also requires exposure. Without it, your WH and OW will be free to make up stories about why you left WH and how they began their relationship. It gives them a free ride to carry on as usual without any accountability or consequences.
I am a little shocked that you won't expose this POSOW who is assaulting your marriage.
I also booked an appointment with my OB. That's going to be a hard discussion since he has delivered our children.
My OB told me to divorce my husband, lol. Don't worry about it, they have hear it all.
Question about exposure: Is it still as effective if WH doesn't know it was me that exposed everything? I'd really like to expose without being on the receiving end of any more of his anger. And yes, I have laughed many times at how many of you have said how resistant I would be to exposure and that I would fight it. So true, so true. I want to do it so bad but am scared that it will be the nail in the coffin of my marriage. So will the afair. I am stuck in an impossible situation. Any success stories with exposure that anyone would like to share?
I am also having a hard time deciding if I should do Plan A or just go to Plan B. I have been doing a Plan A of sorts before I discovered this site. But not with full exposure. I am just SO done with this whole situation! It is so monumentally unfair to me and to our babies. Ugh.....
Dont be afraid of exposure. Keep your head up, you want people to know that you are fighting for your marriage. Exposure includes asking people to support you and your marriage.
It's definitely not that I won't expose her. Exposing her for being the homewrecking POS that she is will be the greatest feeling and I can't wait for that! I guess I just feel like I need to be fully prepared mentally and emotionally for the posibility that WH will be so angry with me for doing this that he will walk away. I truly feel that will be his reaction, so I want to be ready for it and have already accepted it to try to minimize my own emotional breakdown as much as I can. When D Day happened, I took it REALLY hard. I don't want to go back to that dark place. My babies need me. My dad always used to say "You have to get your mind right, kid!" And I do. My mind is a mess.
Your marriage will survive his anger, but it won't survive an ongoing affair.
Just so you know, all waywards get really mad after exposure. Expect it. It's typical. Afterall, you are taking his crack pipe away.
Maybe you dread it so bad because you're afraid you'll have to defend yourself to him. There is a solution for that, so you won't feel the dread of arguing with him.
All you need to do is keep one mantra in mind to say over and over again, when he comes storming in, and you can use the same mantra for days and weeks. Say something along the lines of "I am fighting for our marriage" and leave it at that. DO NOT get into a discussion with him about it. DO NOT apologize to him either. Speak you one sentence line and then go do something else, ignoring the rest of his angry fogbabble.
When you ignore the angry fog babble, after your one liner, your wayward will probably go take his anger out on the affair partner. That's what you want. Don't be his punching bag.
Every one here has felt better after the deed is done. I'm betting you will too. Plus, it's really fun to watch to affair implode.
He is SUPPOSED to be angry. His mind is wired wrong and you need shock and awe to kill the addict alien and free your REAL husband inside.
Do you think your REAL husband will be upset with YOU because HE had an affair and you are attcking the OW?
Many waywards also spin it to each other as uncaring when nothing is done.
He will be furious. He will spit venom. That's marvellous. That's what you want.
Airily reply you are sorry his affair is proving troublesome - bit do NOT apologise for exposure.
If he is NOT spitting mad than your exposure has not been good enough.
You need to fire a rocket under him.
Stop being cowed by his threats to leave you.
He cheated!
When D Day happened, I took it REALLY hard. I don't want to go back to that dark place. My babies need me. My dad always used to say "You have to get your mind right, kid!" And I do. My mind is a mess.
I get this Devastated. I remember that I was ready to check myself into the local psych ward except that the OW in my situation was a psych nurse and I was afraid I would run into her there.
The best way to get your mind right is to educate yourself about affairs and how to recover from them. This knowledge will give you strength to do what you need because you will then understand why certain things are effective and others are not.
Get the book and read it. If you have the time to buy dresses and go out, then you have the time to educate yourself and learn how to take control of your life. Right now your WH is in complete control.
hereHis anger at exposure is a good thing. That is his moral compass talking. Don't engage...no matter what he throws at you. His anger will pass.