Where to begin? I'm obviously here for advice, so here goes...

At the first of July of this year I discovered that my wife was having an affair with a married coworker. I had come home for lunch and heard her iPad "ping" and investigated and saw an IM chat that indicated that she and this man were going to lunch together that day. It is someone that she has always had a close working relationship with, and I had told her a few times over the years that I found myself jealous of him because of the time they got to spend together, even if it was work. She had always told me not to worry, but worry I did, and seeing them going to lunch in what was seemingly a casual way bothered me.

That evening she got home before I did (I picked up the kids), and after dinner I investigated her iPad further and found another IM conversation where they were discussing their affair. The tone of the conversation suggested that she was, in a sense, pulling away from him, but it fully showed that she was having an affair.

I confronted her, and obviously I was angry, upset, shocked, you name it. I called him and told him I knew, that the affair was over, and that he was to never interfere with our marriage again. I told him how ashamed he should be of himself, and if he was worth *anything* he would tell his wife everything. His only words to me were "yes," twice, after I asked him twice if he understood.

After that I needed to just go for a drive, so I did. I knew she would call him (or he would call her), and that happened. She said that he didn't express any love for her, that he didn't try to convince her to leave me, that he only said that he was probably about to get kicked out of his house!

Over the next few days she expressed to me that yes, they had been having an affair; it had included sex since the first of this year; but their relationship had crossed from "platonic" to more than just "friends" many months before it got really physical.

We've met with our pastor for counseling, and throughout this process we have firmly identified the real problems in our marriage that led to her making the decision to have the affair. After the birth of our first child, she dealt with post-partem depression (which I never was fully cognizant of), and we struggled as new parents to defining our new roles. I fully admitted to her that I wasn't the father or husband I needed to be during those times. At the same time, when she went back to work, she was struggling mightily with the depression and her confidence in her abilities to work. In a sense, this man she had the affair with was her "mentor," and helped to restore her work confidence, and, as a result, her overall confidence. They were nothing more than work friends up until the first part of 2011; at that time, he confessed to her that he had feelings for her, and was falling in love with her. This came after she began to confide in him the problems we were having in our marriage. In essence, she gave him the "cheat codes" as to what she needed to him without fully talking to me about it. To be fair, she did bring up certain issues in the last few years, but I don't feel that I was fully responsive to her concerns. She said that at first he would offer advice on how to fix our problems, but over time it morphed into basically making himself seem like the better option.

At any rate, they decided to begin to go to lunch every so often to "talk" about it; shortly thereafter, she became pregnant by our second child, which effectively put the "affair" on hold. After the birth of our second child, she went back to work, and in her words, he "put the full court press" on her. They began to kiss at times, and they continued to go to lunch. It turned fully sexual one night when they were working late at the office at the first of this year.

After that point, she said they would have sex, on average, about once a week. Pretty much all of it took place at the office; some of it after-hours when everyone else had gone home, some of it during the lunch hour when most people were out of the office. They went to his house a couple of times when his wife was out of town. During this time, she and I also had sex about once per week, and there was *never* anything wrong with our sex life. As I've read on the Marriage Builders site regarding emotional needs, the sex with him wasn't due to any problems with our sex life, per se; it was the logical "next step" in their relationship, according to her. In fact, she claimed that the sex with him was awful, and that she rarely ever reached orgasm.

We've had a lot of soul-baring conversations and a lot of tears have been shed. I never left our household and I'm committed to fixing our marriage, and she says she is as well. She said that when I found out she felt terrified that I was going to leave her, while also feeling an overwhelming sense of relief, as she claims she had been searching for a way out (even coming to this site on occasion in the last few months) and the courage to end it with him. She said she told him on two different occasions that she would never leave me, and that all she wanted to be was happy with me. She said that the last two or three months of the affair consisted of her making up excuses as to why she couldn't go to lunch with him, or have sex, etc. She said that was when she was at her lowest, because she knew she wanted to be with me, but couldn't figure out how to end the affair.

In her words, she said that "it could have been anybody," and that she was basically trying to project onto him what she wanted me to be or how she wanted me to act. She is wrestling with extreme guilt, obviously. She feels terrible for what she's done to me and has said she wants to spend the rest of our lives together making it up to me.

In a lot of respects, his influence had a tremendous negative influence on our marriage. It was hard for her to separate fiction from reality at times because, having the "cheat codes," he knew what to say to her. In some ways, I think he "guilt tripped" her into continuing the affair. That certainly doesn't excuse what she did, but it offers context.

Following the concepts on this website, I feel like we've come a long way in a short period of time. I believe, with the help of this site and our preacher, we've fully identified what the problems were in our marriage and are working mightily to fix them. We make time for each other now. We began going to lunch together every day; I think that since this came out, there have only been two or three workdays where we haven't had lunch together. Our sex life has exploded to a point not seen since we were first married.

The major stumbling block I have, that I struggle with almost every day, is that they still work together. Our situation at this time is not conducive to her leaving her job. She is a partner in her firm (as is he), and her job has the potential for us to reach our financial goals and take care of our family in a way that we don't feel we can walk away from right now. She has expressed to me that she will leave that job and find another, because "that job isn't more important to me as you are."

I don't want her to leave her job, but her continued contact with him is something that bothers me every single day. Some days are better than others. She tells me every day about any interaction she has with him, and has made her phone and email accounts fully available to me. At first, I told her I didn't want her to have any contact with him whatsoever that wasn't work-related. After a time, she expressed that he would "act weird" around her, and that it was awkward. So, I told her that I was OK with her "clearing the air" with him if the opportunity presented itself, and that happened this week. She said she told him that there was absolutely zero chance that anything would ever happen with him again, that she was 100% committed to me, and that, basically, he needed to move on. He was, as I suspected (and I told her this), still pining for her, biding his time to see if we would fall apart or I would leave her. She said she made it crystal clear that there was no "them" anymore, there never would be a "them" in the future, and that he needed to get over it so that they could work together amicably.

His wife's response to the affair was, basically, "I don't want to talk about it, and the affair has to end." I do not have high hopes that their marriage will survive, obviously.

I'm looking for advice on how to get past this feeling I have about them working together. I've noticed such a change in my wife and how she acts towards me, for the positive. She doesn't seem addled by work, or, more accurately, a third party, and seems fully focused on me. I do not believe anything else has happened, but I am having such a hard time dealing with the fact that they still work together.

Any advice?

Hi Arlington, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am so sorry for the reasons that brought you here. In order for your marriage to ever recover all contact will have to end for life. A affair is an addiction and as long as they work together, she can never withdraw. Every day she goes to work, she will be triggered, and more importantly, you will be perpetually tormented.

So that is the first step. There is no job that is worth losing a marriage over.

And secondly, has the affair been exposed to family, friends and children? Have you personally spoken to the OMs wife?

Please take the time to read through the "start here first" thread.

Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain.

Who have you exposed her affair to?

She needs to quit her job. There must be NC for life between affair partners.

Have you both been tested for STD/I?

Please read this.
Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

I've read through the "Start First" stuff and most of the MB website. I'm fully aware of the "no contact" for life principle, but frankly, for the foreseeable future, it's not going to happen. At this point, with the transparency measures we've put into place, I don't believe any further inappropriate contact with the OM will take place. If I did, I would have demanded that she change jobs immediately.

Her affair hasn't been exposed to any of our family; only our preacher and a close friend of mine I've leaned on for advice. I frankly don't want our families to know for several reasons, so it's not going to happen.

I have not spoken to the OM's wife. My wife was tested for STDs at her last yearly checkup a couple of months ago and came back clean. I plan on getting tested at my next annual checkup.

Unfortunately this is hopeless until all contact ends and she is out of there. Recovery is impossible. Can she be out of there in a month?

Is there a reason why you are keeping the affair a secret? Affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping it a secret only helps the affair thrive and grow.

No, that isn't possible, nor is it what I want. I appreciate your advice, but I can see that I likely won't get any other advice on this forum than what has been given so far.

Thank you for the reply.

Everytime they see or speak to each other means the affair is active. You can change the name to "business contact" but it is still an active affair. If an alcoholic changes the name of his drinks to " business drinks" will he be any less drunk? No, he won't. I am sorry to say this is a non starter until she gets out of there.

Perhaps I didn't make it clear in my initial post, but there is no affair any longer. There's nothing there to thrive. There's nothing there to grow. It ended fully the day I found out and confronted her. It has not continued in any way, shape or form.

I don't see a need to poison the water, so to speak, with our friends or families.

Again, as I said, that's not going to happen. Thank you for the replies.

You won't get any other advice because we know there is no hope unless she leaves that job. I am very sorry for the situation you find yourself in. We realize it is a disaster. But people can and do get new jobs every day.

I wish you the best.

So long as she works with OM, you will NEVER recover your marriage.

Any contact = ongoing affair.


I am sorry you are ingoring the very advice you need to follow to kill the affair and save your wife.

Hi there Arlington,

this will eat you alive over time, you are trusting a woman who has proved to not have your best interests at heart and for a long time...
and you are trusting what she says?
waywards are very good at covering their tracks and if she educated herself she will know how to cover up and say all the right things.
I think you expose to your families and you let your wife know that everyone else can help keep her accountable and it will help you heal if she herself steps up and accepts responsibility in a public format. It will help her with the burden she carries as well.
Dishonesty is why you are where you are, start fresh with that honesty and create a marriage where you both feel safe.
You are in some kind of BS fog settling for a half baked relationship, you had a dishonest relationship while the affair took place is that all you really want a huge secret lies?
My husband worked with his OW for about 7 months and it ripped my heart everyday. It was such a difference after she left.....I can tell you even a strong person
struggles knowing they continue to see the affair person, it is disrespectful cruel and it goes against everything one believes in.
why have the OM dangling in your wife's face sooner or later she will have a weak moment, I would speak to the OMW and have her put pressure on her husband to be accountable too........you need her as an ally.......
Your wife will be so much happier let her find a new job and move your family away from that past life.
NC for life, don't let that OM take anymore of your life.......daily is not a plan for recovery

An affair is addictive. Just as addictive as any other drug. They way a brain gets addicted to any substance the WW brain gets addictive to her OM.

With any addictive substance the brain gets a high. The high feeling is the craving to keep going back to the addictive substance. This high feeling is created by the brains having chemical reactions to the substance. The brain wants to keep feeling this high over and over.

The affair has created the same addictive brain chemistry for WW to keep craving the OM.

People do fight the craving to get high. Though it is known that putting them in constant contact with their addiction causes them to eventually fall off the wagon.

Dr Harley knows that the WS addiction for their AP will cause them to eventually give in to the addiction and the affair is back on. This can happen decades later. There is no time limit. NC must be forever.

Now being that your WW is able to get such a great high paying job now. Your WW now has the resume to get another one.

You are the typical poster that comes here to hear that what you want to do is the right way.

Instead you refuse to hear the right way to recover your marriage.

Please follow the only advice that will recover your marriage. Your wife must leave that job.

My husband had an affair with a coworker in 2008 (I didn't find out about it until 2012). The "active" sexual part ended in spring of 2008, however he tried to reignite it in 2010, 11, 12 - (he can't remember). The point is that he DID. It is an ADDICTION. You'd never recommend that an alcoholic go into bars, would you?

I, like you, wanted us to be an exception to the rule of NC for life. We BS are also in a fog, you see. But he finally did quit. You won't believe how much better you will feel when she's not there.

It may be hard financially, but isn't your marriage worth it? You really can't recover any other way.

Good luck on your false recovery.
You ask for advice, and then ignore it.
You ask the veterans to help you, and say not going to happen.
You should write a book about this new method you have developed.
It might solve your financial situation.

At the very least, the OMW deserves to know what you know.

Arlington,

I understand that you think your situation is different, your WW is different and you want to trust the woman you love. But, the power of addiction with an affair is like that of an drug addiction. She will cover it up, she will have the feelings when she sees him and you will have the feelings similar to a family member watching a drug addict destroy themselves.

The situation is obviously still bothering you and it should and it probably will never change. I know you have financial plans and life plans but honestly, your WW ruined all that with her actions. I know you love her and don't want to put her down but its reality. She made the decision to go outside the marriage and she ruined what you were building. If you really want your marriage and you really want a happy life you need to completely repair it and not try to find easy fixes, because those don't exist when it comes to infidelity.

It is your life and ultimately your decision. Those feelings will never go away for you until you and your WW make them go away. If you're happy where you're at then thats fine but if you're seeking advice on how to repair things the posters in this thread are giving you the only way to do it and doing things your way (as you have done already) will continue to get you the same feelings you already have.

Look, I personally am still dealing with it and I'm taking a route of breaking up my marriage because I can't handle the affair but looking back at my situation and my journey so far, what the vets on this board are telling you is spot on. If you don't listen to them and fix the issue it will probably lead you to where I am now (full of resentment and tired of trying to repair something and honestly not really wanting to repair your marriage anymore). If you truly want to save your marriage, listen to the advice. I didn't listen, I didn't force WW to do what was needed and it changed me and it changed my feelings about her over time. I'm just giving you warning based on traveling the road you are starting, it does not lead to the result you are claiming that you want.

Why not, Arlington? What is more important to you and your wife than your marriage?

So how is plan "arlington" doing so far?

This is sad. You're basically saying you value the financial aspect over your marriage and family. Your wife said repeatedly that she didn't know how to end it. This is her acknowledgement of the addiction. If they work together, it's NOT over. She can only resist so long before they start taking it underground, getting more sneaky and setting you and your family up for even more destruction.

The OM's wife needs to be contacted by you. Do you really think she'd let him stay at that job if she knew there was an affair? He could have made up anything, told her nothing or distorted the truth. If he said anything to her it was probably along the lines of your wife having a crush on him/being inappropriate and him not knowing what to do about it. Unless you've spoken to her yourself, there's no way of knowing.

I know there's no way in hell I'd let my husband trot off to work everyday and hang out with his skank. Yes, that's what your wife is in the OM's wife's reality. You make it seem like the OM was some kind of predator but your wife went willingly and needs to be held accountable. Do not throw all the blame on him.

It sounds to me like your wife understands the risk here when she says she's willing to find a new job. Then you tell her not to? Because you value her ability to earn more than you value her as a lover and partner. Don't think she doesn't know this.

Please wake up and follow a plan. You are heading for disaster on your current path.

The other thing he probably told his wife is that there's some crazy, jealous husband out there who might make accusations and that this husband (YOU) are unstable, abusive, etc.

It happens every day, all day long and you are falling right into the trap. For a few extra bucks?!?

Please read.
False Recovery-Need Voices of Experience

This also.
Read my Lips: NO CONTACT MEANS NO CONTACT

I believe I've been very respectful to the replies posted on here, and I certainly don't deserve this kind of rude, hateful response.

I certainly hope your brand of sarcastic rudeness isn't indicative of all on this board.

Again, I appreciate all of the responses, and it's something that both my wife and I are cognizant of.

Thanks again.

There was NO sarcasm or rudeness in my reply to you...maybe exasparation and sadness.


Why YOU will not act to get your WIFE away from a threat to her and your marriage is beyond me.


So, why are you choosing NOT to end your wife's destructive affair?

Have you seen these?
How to Avoid an Affair #1
How to Avoid an Affair #2

Arlington,
Yes my response was sarcastic. I tend to swing the 2X4, because i know i needed it when i was going through the denial of the betrayal.
If you only could fully comprehend the number of betrayed spouses that are in the exact situation you are and say the exact thing.
Time passes and these Betrayed spouses (including me) realize what people were trying to advise us to do was the correct method.

You are NOT different in this regard. It has been proven repeatedly here.
Saying "I appreciate the responses"; is as you say "respectful" and that is all.
It smells of inaction and fear.

Please read.
Conflict Avoidance is the Kiss of Death

Adultery is horrifying. It is very, very destructive and painful. Maybe you're in shock still and hoping you can somehow mitigate the damage. It's so unfair to experience financial pain as a result of this betrayal but people on this board aren't joking when emphasizing no contact for life!

It's THAT serious. And how can you stand to let her go there everyday knowing she's seeing him? Neb says it smells of inaction and fear but from a wife's point of view, it looks like you don't care about her that much. Not saying that's how you feel, just saying that's how it looks.

I bet when she was throwing you under the bus and giving him the 'codes', one of the complaints was 'he doesn't care about me. all he cares about is the $$ i make and maintaining our lifestyle.' ask and see.

she needs help getting herself out of this. it sucks and its unfair but its true. she needs no contact for life and it is the first step in recovery.

it will be all right! she can get another job.

Arlington, it is dismaying to read your thread and see you dismiss the lifelines that are being thrown to you. Your obstinence, sir, is alarming.

Your thread resonates with me because it is so similar to mine. Allow me, please, to give you an abbreviated version of what happened in my case:

My FWH (formerly wayward husband) began an office affair with a co-worker. As in your case, the affair began with friendly bantering, progressed to flirting, then lunches alone with each other. A short leap later and they were meeting after work for a few drinks. The two of them talked about their marriages (my H started out telling her that his M wasn't 'that bad' - as the EA heated up, he suddenly found 'reasons' for why his marriage was 'so bad'. Imagine that.

Anyway. The affair inevitably led to a tawdry coupling in my in-laws home while they were away (my husband, ever frugal, wasn't going to waste money on a motel.)

Meanwhile, her husband was on the scent of the affair and was making threatening noises to my husband. My H was a little concerned, but all it took to alleviate that concern was for the OW to sashay into his office. At that point he knew that the affair was more trouble than it was worth. The OW's husband was threatening to tell me, and that wasn't something my H wanted. But, as in your wife's case, HE DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO END THE AFFAIR. Does that phrase sound familiar? It's the same thing your WW said.

The OW's husband finally decided to man up and reclaim his wife. He exposed to my husband's employer. That's when my H disclosed the affair to me.

Their employer separated them. A formal investigation was launched. Thankfully, the investigation confirmed that the A was mutual. Their employer dodged a sexual harassment suit that was thisclose, because OW's husband was encouraging her to claim harassment.

What a mess. All of it.

So anyway - OW's husband made her quit her job. And (PAY ATTENTION, ARLINGTON)my H was thankful for that. Because he knew they wouldn't have been able to stay apart if they worked together. Did he want OW? No. But he knew the POWER OF THE ADDICTION.

We've recovered beautifully, and I've stayed on this site to watch for posters such as yourself. You may be the reason I am here.

OM's wife needs to hear about this affair FROM YOU. She has the right to know the reality of her marriage, and the hound dog she's married to isn't going to tell her. Like addicted waywards, he is a selfish [censored] who thinks only of himself. It's the nature of the beast.

And, most important for the life of your marriage: your WW needs to LEAVE THAT JOB. If you haven't exposed to their employer, you need to do so immediately. If you're lucky, OM will be terminated. Regardless, they can't work together. That's just how it is.

Who else do you need to hear from to protect your marriage? Arlington, I was exactly where you are. Don't proceed with the mistake you're making, I beg you.

My W still thanks me for exposing and getting POSOM fired from her workplace.

She states THAT is the day that the recovery of our marriage began, that I 'saved' her.

(Incidentally, she helped 'save' herself when she left the job on her own months later).

Now, a few years on, we've traded 1/2 of her former salary for what???

Here's what: the best marriage we've ever had and an in-tact family with 2 children who are grateful they're not from a broken, destroyed home.

Stand up for your W and kill her destructive affair. Please.

So, you're basically asking "How can I swim faster than before, now that I have this cinder-block tied around my waist?"

And because we're dealing in realities & probabilities, not in some fairlyland where magic happens, you aren't hearing what you apparently want to hear, Arlington. You want us to tell you how to swim faster with a cinder-block tied around your waist, and, well, we haven't figured that one out yet ourselves. If you find a surefire way to make that work, do let us know.

I know from affairs, Arlington -- in a way that you hopefully never will, I pray. I know what it's like to try to break an affair off while remaining in regular contact with the affair-partner. I'm not saying it's impossible (because it's hard to prove a negative, you know?) I'm just saying that if you're bothered that they're spending time in regular contact, if you're bothered because you have no idea when they're actually speaking, or if you're bothered that you can't really be sure when she's telling you the truth about their relationship vs. when she might be snowing you the way she snowed you before about their relationship, then you're exactly where you should be. Bothered, that is.

The way you kill an affair is, you change the circumstances that led to the affair. As mnay of them as you can possibly change. And ending the circumstance of contact with the affair-partner is #1 on the list.

Not what you wanted to hear, I guess, but I'm going with the realities & the probabilities regarding affairs. As far as your own peace of mind is concerned, action -- to boost your probability of ensuring that this affair is really, truly dead -- is far preferable to wishful thinking, every time. If your wishes come true & you can buck the odds & feel good about your marriage while they continue to work together -- if, figuratively speaking, you can swim faster with that cinder-block tied around your waist than you can without it -- then more power to you. I won't begrudge you for feeling lucky or grateful or smart or whatever. I can't offer you a way from here to there, though, 'cuz I don't know of any such way. That's not how my wife & I got to a recovered marriage that is better today that it was before the affair.

Good luck, man.

Arlington, Can you PM me with your information? I felt like your post was written by me. I am in the EXACT same place as you and I want to see how things turned out and what you have done. My wife is working at home (unlike your's which was in an office) and "the other guy" is in NJ, so there's an upside, but they may need to talk due to work.

Thanks,
Tom

There are no PM's on this site.
All discussions occur on the forum in plain site.

Hi Tommy, welcome to Marriage Builders. I would start up your own thread and describe your situation so others can give you feedback and advice.