Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 2 1 2
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 552
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 552
This is sad. You're basically saying you value the financial aspect over your marriage and family. Your wife said repeatedly that she didn't know how to end it. This is her acknowledgement of the addiction. If they work together, it's NOT over. She can only resist so long before they start taking it underground, getting more sneaky and setting you and your family up for even more destruction.

The OM's wife needs to be contacted by you. Do you really think she'd let him stay at that job if she knew there was an affair? He could have made up anything, told her nothing or distorted the truth. If he said anything to her it was probably along the lines of your wife having a crush on him/being inappropriate and him not knowing what to do about it. Unless you've spoken to her yourself, there's no way of knowing.

I know there's no way in hell I'd let my husband trot off to work everyday and hang out with his skank. Yes, that's what your wife is in the OM's wife's reality. You make it seem like the OM was some kind of predator but your wife went willingly and needs to be held accountable. Do not throw all the blame on him.

It sounds to me like your wife understands the risk here when she says she's willing to find a new job. Then you tell her not to? Because you value her ability to earn more than you value her as a lover and partner. Don't think she doesn't know this.

Please wake up and follow a plan. You are heading for disaster on your current path.

Last edited by zibbles; 08/23/13 11:14 AM.
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 552
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 552
The other thing he probably told his wife is that there's some crazy, jealous husband out there who might make accusations and that this husband (YOU) are unstable, abusive, etc.

It happens every day, all day long and you are falling right into the trap. For a few extra bucks?!?

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 7
A
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
A
Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by NebDane
Good luck on your false recovery.
You ask for advice, and then ignore it.
You ask the veterans to help you, and say not going to happen.
You should write a book about this new method you have developed.
It might solve your financial situation.

At the very least, the OMW deserves to know what you know.

I believe I've been very respectful to the replies posted on here, and I certainly don't deserve this kind of rude, hateful response.

I certainly hope your brand of sarcastic rudeness isn't indicative of all on this board.

Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 7
A
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
A
Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by zibbles
This is sad. You're basically saying you value the financial aspect over your marriage and family. Your wife said repeatedly that she didn't know how to end it. This is her acknowledgement of the addiction. If they work together, it's NOT over. She can only resist so long before they start taking it underground, getting more sneaky and setting you and your family up for even more destruction.

The OM's wife needs to be contacted by you. Do you really think she'd let him stay at that job if she knew there was an affair? He could have made up anything, told her nothing or distorted the truth. If he said anything to her it was probably along the lines of your wife having a crush on him/being inappropriate and him not knowing what to do about it. Unless you've spoken to her yourself, there's no way of knowing.

I know there's no way in hell I'd let my husband trot off to work everyday and hang out with his skank. Yes, that's what your wife is in the OM's wife's reality. You make it seem like the OM was some kind of predator but your wife went willingly and needs to be held accountable. Do not throw all the blame on him.

It sounds to me like your wife understands the risk here when she says she's willing to find a new job. Then you tell her not to? Because you value her ability to earn more than you value her as a lover and partner. Don't think she doesn't know this.

Please wake up and follow a plan. You are heading for disaster on your current path.

Again, I appreciate all of the responses, and it's something that both my wife and I are cognizant of.

Thanks again.

Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,521
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,521
There was NO sarcasm or rudeness in my reply to you...maybe exasparation and sadness.


Why YOU will not act to get your WIFE away from a threat to her and your marriage is beyond me.


So, why are you choosing NOT to end your wife's destructive affair?

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 577
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 577
Arlington,
Yes my response was sarcastic. I tend to swing the 2X4, because i know i needed it when i was going through the denial of the betrayal.
If you only could fully comprehend the number of betrayed spouses that are in the exact situation you are and say the exact thing.
Time passes and these Betrayed spouses (including me) realize what people were trying to advise us to do was the correct method.

You are NOT different in this regard. It has been proven repeatedly here.
Saying "I appreciate the responses"; is as you say "respectful" and that is all.
It smells of inaction and fear.


Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 552
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 552
Adultery is horrifying. It is very, very destructive and painful. Maybe you're in shock still and hoping you can somehow mitigate the damage. It's so unfair to experience financial pain as a result of this betrayal but people on this board aren't joking when emphasizing no contact for life!

It's THAT serious. And how can you stand to let her go there everyday knowing she's seeing him? Neb says it smells of inaction and fear but from a wife's point of view, it looks like you don't care about her that much. Not saying that's how you feel, just saying that's how it looks.

I bet when she was throwing you under the bus and giving him the 'codes', one of the complaints was 'he doesn't care about me. all he cares about is the $$ i make and maintaining our lifestyle.' ask and see.

she needs help getting herself out of this. it sucks and its unfair but its true. she needs no contact for life and it is the first step in recovery.

it will be all right! she can get another job.

Last edited by zibbles; 08/23/13 05:50 PM.
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Arlington, it is dismaying to read your thread and see you dismiss the lifelines that are being thrown to you. Your obstinence, sir, is alarming.

Your thread resonates with me because it is so similar to mine. Allow me, please, to give you an abbreviated version of what happened in my case:

My FWH (formerly wayward husband) began an office affair with a co-worker. As in your case, the affair began with friendly bantering, progressed to flirting, then lunches alone with each other. A short leap later and they were meeting after work for a few drinks. The two of them talked about their marriages (my H started out telling her that his M wasn't 'that bad' - as the EA heated up, he suddenly found 'reasons' for why his marriage was 'so bad'. Imagine that. cool

Anyway. The affair inevitably led to a tawdry coupling in my in-laws home while they were away (my husband, ever frugal, wasn't going to waste money on a motel.)

Meanwhile, her husband was on the scent of the affair and was making threatening noises to my husband. My H was a little concerned, but all it took to alleviate that concern was for the OW to sashay into his office. At that point he knew that the affair was more trouble than it was worth. The OW's husband was threatening to tell me, and that wasn't something my H wanted. But, as in your wife's case, HE DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO END THE AFFAIR. Does that phrase sound familiar? It's the same thing your WW said.

The OW's husband finally decided to man up and reclaim his wife. He exposed to my husband's employer. That's when my H disclosed the affair to me.

Their employer separated them. A formal investigation was launched. Thankfully, the investigation confirmed that the A was mutual. Their employer dodged a sexual harassment suit that was thisclose, because OW's husband was encouraging her to claim harassment.

What a mess. All of it.

So anyway - OW's husband made her quit her job. And (PAY ATTENTION, ARLINGTON)my H was thankful for that. Because he knew they wouldn't have been able to stay apart if they worked together. Did he want OW? No. But he knew the POWER OF THE ADDICTION.

We've recovered beautifully, and I've stayed on this site to watch for posters such as yourself. You may be the reason I am here.

OM's wife needs to hear about this affair FROM YOU. She has the right to know the reality of her marriage, and the hound dog she's married to isn't going to tell her. Like addicted waywards, he is a selfish [censored] who thinks only of himself. It's the nature of the beast.

And, most important for the life of your marriage: your WW needs to LEAVE THAT JOB. If you haven't exposed to their employer, you need to do so immediately. If you're lucky, OM will be terminated. Regardless, they can't work together. That's just how it is.

Who else do you need to hear from to protect your marriage? Arlington, I was exactly where you are. Don't proceed with the mistake you're making, I beg you.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,521
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,521
My W still thanks me for exposing and getting POSOM fired from her workplace.

She states THAT is the day that the recovery of our marriage began, that I 'saved' her.

(Incidentally, she helped 'save' herself when she left the job on her own months later).

Now, a few years on, we've traded 1/2 of her former salary for what???

Here's what: the best marriage we've ever had and an in-tact family with 2 children who are grateful they're not from a broken, destroyed home.

Stand up for your W and kill her destructive affair. Please.

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757
Originally Posted by Arlington
...I'm looking for advice on how to get past this feeling I have about them working together. I've noticed such a change in my wife and how she acts towards me, for the positive. She doesn't seem addled by work, or, more accurately, a third party, and seems fully focused on me. I do not believe anything else has happened, but I am having such a hard time dealing with the fact that they still work together.

Any advice?
So, you're basically asking "How can I swim faster than before, now that I have this cinder-block tied around my waist?"

And because we're dealing in realities & probabilities, not in some fairlyland where magic happens, you aren't hearing what you apparently want to hear, Arlington. You want us to tell you how to swim faster with a cinder-block tied around your waist, and, well, we haven't figured that one out yet ourselves. If you find a surefire way to make that work, do let us know.

I know from affairs, Arlington -- in a way that you hopefully never will, I pray. I know what it's like to try to break an affair off while remaining in regular contact with the affair-partner. I'm not saying it's impossible (because it's hard to prove a negative, you know?) I'm just saying that if you're bothered that they're spending time in regular contact, if you're bothered because you have no idea when they're actually speaking, or if you're bothered that you can't really be sure when she's telling you the truth about their relationship vs. when she might be snowing you the way she snowed you before about their relationship, then you're exactly where you should be. Bothered, that is.

The way you kill an affair is, you change the circumstances that led to the affair. As mnay of them as you can possibly change. And ending the circumstance of contact with the affair-partner is #1 on the list.

Not what you wanted to hear, I guess, but I'm going with the realities & the probabilities regarding affairs. As far as your own peace of mind is concerned, action -- to boost your probability of ensuring that this affair is really, truly dead -- is far preferable to wishful thinking, every time. If your wishes come true & you can buck the odds & feel good about your marriage while they continue to work together -- if, figuratively speaking, you can swim faster with that cinder-block tied around your waist than you can without it -- then more power to you. I won't begrudge you for feeling lucky or grateful or smart or whatever. I can't offer you a way from here to there, though, 'cuz I don't know of any such way. That's not how my wife & I got to a recovered marriage that is better today that it was before the affair.

Good luck, man.


Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 1
T
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
T
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 1
Arlington, Can you PM me with your information? I felt like your post was written by me. I am in the EXACT same place as you and I want to see how things turned out and what you have done. My wife is working at home (unlike your's which was in an office) and "the other guy" is in NJ, so there's an upside, but they may need to talk due to work.

Thanks,
Tom

Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247
There are no PM's on this site.
All discussions occur on the forum in plain site.


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Tommywn
Arlington, Can you PM me with your information? I felt like your post was written by me. I am in the EXACT same place as you and I want to see how things turned out and what you have done. My wife is working at home (unlike your's which was in an office) and "the other guy" is in NJ, so there's an upside, but they may need to talk due to work.

Thanks,
Tom

Hi Tommy, welcome to Marriage Builders. I would start up your own thread and describe your situation so others can give you feedback and advice.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Page 2 of 2 1 2

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (NewEveryDay), 1,357 guests, and 77 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5