Trying to survive - 12/01/14 01:22 AM
Here's my story,
Around mid September 2014, my wife told me she met this guy on facebook. He was a friend of a friend. She has alot of friends, male & female, and is always making new friends. She is very outgoing, and loves to talk. I did not think anything of it at the time. This guy was a professional bull rider, and was about to participate in event. He was injured, and had to have surgery. None of his family would have anything to do with him. So, she was talking to him alot while he was in the hospital out of state. (phone only at his point she hadn't met him in person). He came into town about a week later, and his RV he used to travel to rodeos had been vandalized, and he could not stay there, and his bank account had been frozen because of a large check he wrote the hospital, so he couldn't get a motel. Wife told me about it, so I suggested we loan him some money until his was freed up. So, she got some cash out of the bank, and went and met him. I was working and couldn't go with her, but I trusted her, and didn't think it was a problem. That night, we were talking in bed before going to sleep, and I told her that she was spending alot of time talking to this guy, and I didn't want them getting too close. She assured me it wasn't like that, she promised that her heart belongs to me, and she would always be with me.
A few days later, we met for lunch as we do everyday, and she showed me a picture on here phone of a dozen roses. I asked what it was, and she said she had met him, and he had given back the money he borrowed, and gave her the roses as a thank you gift. Our adult son was with us, so I didn't say anything at the time. That night I sat her down asked what was going on. It wasn't appropriate for a friend to be giving roses to a married woman. She admitted she had special feelings for him, and she didn't want to hang around anymore. She loved me, and always would, but she was no longer "in Love" with me.I was floored to say the least.
She then proceeded to tell me that she has been unhappy for a long time, and began to dig up bones of everything I had done, or not done, over the last thirty years. Many of these things were things that we had dealt with long ago, made peace, and agreed never to mention again. Her recollection of these events was also much worst than what really happened.Most of which were things that I said, that were mean or hurtful, during our first year of marriage. She then went on to say that I don't spend time with her, we are struggling financially, (she doesn't work) and she was just tired of it all. I told her she had to stop this affair immediately, before it ruins our marriage. I had never been unfaithful to her, and she was breaking her promise to me, to always be faithful. She said she would not stop talking to him, and I had better not give her an ultimatum, be cause I would loose.
We spent the next several days talking and trying to again put all these bad feelings she had from the past behind us. She said she felt better, and forgave me again, for what I had done. But she would still keep talking to him.
Then she suggested a deal. She would agree to work on our marriage, because she could see that I really wanted to make her happy, and would also agree to counseling, if I would agree to let her continue talking to him. Foolishly I agreed to TRY. The next night, she informed me that she was going dancing with him, and would be home late. Though I protested, she reminded me of our agreement, and said she was going regardless of whether I liked it or not. She said not to worry she wasn't having sex with him. She did not come home that night. She came in about 10:00 am, and told me that they had both had to much to drink at the club, so they got a room close by and stayed the night. She wanted to be completely honest with me. She then told me in a very matter-of-fact manner, that they did have sex, and it was great. I was crushed.
We spent the next week talking alot, and I finally told her that this arrangement was not working.During all of this time, she was talking or texting him constantly when ever I wasn't around, or when she thought I wasn't looking. According to the phone records, she was on the phone with him 6-7 hours a day while I was at work. She was so obsessed with him that she wasn't hearing anything I was saying. I asked her to cut all ties with him, and give me six months to prove I could make her happier than she had ever been. I asked her to think about it and let me know in a few days.
We continued talking every possible moment, but she became more and more cold, and distant everyday.She suggested I go out with her brother for drinks one night, just to get out and forget things for a while. She called him and set it up, so the next night He came by and picked me up and we went to a local bar for drinks. I began to tell him what was going on. He listened, and the proceeded to tell me that he already knew, and my wife had told him the whole story already. Problem was, it was her version of the story, that did not even remotely resemble thee truth. I told him what really happened, and the facts, and agreed to help any way he could. By this time our four adult kids had already figured things out as well. So, we decided to try an intervention.
One evening, we all sat her down, and the kids and her brother all expressed their feeling for what she was doing, and told her that hey love her and don't want to see her destroy her thirty year marriage, or have their parents split up. She was very defiant, insisted she was doing what she had to to be happy. She finally became angry. She stood up, Looked at me, and announced that she had made her decision. She was leaving. She said she would leave in the morning. And she did.
It was a very painful scene, me and the kids crying in the driveway as she drove away smiling & waving. She packed some clothes, and moved in with him.That night my oldest son blasted her on facebook for what she had done, and tagged her in the post, so that every one she knows would see it. I had to meet with her the next morning, because we had an appointment with a lawyer for a lawsuit we had been working on.She screamed at me for the better part of an hour over the exposure, as if I had done it myself, and blamed me for letting it happen. (knowing what I have learned since being here, I wish I had done it myself as soon as I found out about the affair.) I explained to her that I had warned her of the consequences for making a bad decision, and she had stated that she would accept them. This was fallout from her choice. She eventually calmed down, and by the time we had finished our business, and grabbed lunch, we were getting along ok, though she would keep darting to the restroom to call HIM. We talked after lunch, and she even mentioned reconciliation several times.
Everyday since she first dropped the bomb on me, I text her a picture if flowers every morning, and tell to have a great day, and I love her. Most days, (not always) she texts back, and thanks for the flowers, and says she loves me too. We have an agreement that we will remain friends and stay in touch, have lunch once a week. She only responds to my texts about 1/2 the time, and we haven't met for lunch in a couple of weeks. She calls occasionally, but the conversations are short, and I try to keep them light hearted & cheerful. I asked her to come to Thanks giving and spend the day with us, but she would not. Lots of excuses.She can't seem to pry herself away from him for more than an hour or two, and if she does, she is calling or texting him at every opportunity.She is now working with him, and is with him 24/7.
I have been speaking with OM's wife. She has enlightened me on a number of facts about him. She is in the same place I am, my wife was told that they were divorced several years ago. They are still married, in fact he kicked her out the day my wife left me, so she could move in. He is not now, nor has he ever been a professional bull rider, was never in the hospital, his RV wasn't vandalized, she was living in it, etc, etc, etc. Everything he has told my wife from the beginning has been a lie. His wife has tried talking to her, but she just cusses her out and hangs up. He has convinced my wife that his wife is a mental case.
So she is writing my wife a letter explaining all of the lies and deception, and providing proof to back up what she says. Our hope is that she will dump him once she finds out about all of his lies.
I hope it works, but my fear is that she is so addicted at this point, that she wouldn't care if he was a serial killer.
Continuing with Plan A for now. Any input would be appreciated.
Around mid September 2014, my wife told me she met this guy on facebook. He was a friend of a friend. She has alot of friends, male & female, and is always making new friends. She is very outgoing, and loves to talk. I did not think anything of it at the time. This guy was a professional bull rider, and was about to participate in event. He was injured, and had to have surgery. None of his family would have anything to do with him. So, she was talking to him alot while he was in the hospital out of state. (phone only at his point she hadn't met him in person). He came into town about a week later, and his RV he used to travel to rodeos had been vandalized, and he could not stay there, and his bank account had been frozen because of a large check he wrote the hospital, so he couldn't get a motel. Wife told me about it, so I suggested we loan him some money until his was freed up. So, she got some cash out of the bank, and went and met him. I was working and couldn't go with her, but I trusted her, and didn't think it was a problem. That night, we were talking in bed before going to sleep, and I told her that she was spending alot of time talking to this guy, and I didn't want them getting too close. She assured me it wasn't like that, she promised that her heart belongs to me, and she would always be with me.
A few days later, we met for lunch as we do everyday, and she showed me a picture on here phone of a dozen roses. I asked what it was, and she said she had met him, and he had given back the money he borrowed, and gave her the roses as a thank you gift. Our adult son was with us, so I didn't say anything at the time. That night I sat her down asked what was going on. It wasn't appropriate for a friend to be giving roses to a married woman. She admitted she had special feelings for him, and she didn't want to hang around anymore. She loved me, and always would, but she was no longer "in Love" with me.I was floored to say the least.
She then proceeded to tell me that she has been unhappy for a long time, and began to dig up bones of everything I had done, or not done, over the last thirty years. Many of these things were things that we had dealt with long ago, made peace, and agreed never to mention again. Her recollection of these events was also much worst than what really happened.Most of which were things that I said, that were mean or hurtful, during our first year of marriage. She then went on to say that I don't spend time with her, we are struggling financially, (she doesn't work) and she was just tired of it all. I told her she had to stop this affair immediately, before it ruins our marriage. I had never been unfaithful to her, and she was breaking her promise to me, to always be faithful. She said she would not stop talking to him, and I had better not give her an ultimatum, be cause I would loose.
We spent the next several days talking and trying to again put all these bad feelings she had from the past behind us. She said she felt better, and forgave me again, for what I had done. But she would still keep talking to him.
Then she suggested a deal. She would agree to work on our marriage, because she could see that I really wanted to make her happy, and would also agree to counseling, if I would agree to let her continue talking to him. Foolishly I agreed to TRY. The next night, she informed me that she was going dancing with him, and would be home late. Though I protested, she reminded me of our agreement, and said she was going regardless of whether I liked it or not. She said not to worry she wasn't having sex with him. She did not come home that night. She came in about 10:00 am, and told me that they had both had to much to drink at the club, so they got a room close by and stayed the night. She wanted to be completely honest with me. She then told me in a very matter-of-fact manner, that they did have sex, and it was great. I was crushed.
We spent the next week talking alot, and I finally told her that this arrangement was not working.During all of this time, she was talking or texting him constantly when ever I wasn't around, or when she thought I wasn't looking. According to the phone records, she was on the phone with him 6-7 hours a day while I was at work. She was so obsessed with him that she wasn't hearing anything I was saying. I asked her to cut all ties with him, and give me six months to prove I could make her happier than she had ever been. I asked her to think about it and let me know in a few days.
We continued talking every possible moment, but she became more and more cold, and distant everyday.She suggested I go out with her brother for drinks one night, just to get out and forget things for a while. She called him and set it up, so the next night He came by and picked me up and we went to a local bar for drinks. I began to tell him what was going on. He listened, and the proceeded to tell me that he already knew, and my wife had told him the whole story already. Problem was, it was her version of the story, that did not even remotely resemble thee truth. I told him what really happened, and the facts, and agreed to help any way he could. By this time our four adult kids had already figured things out as well. So, we decided to try an intervention.
One evening, we all sat her down, and the kids and her brother all expressed their feeling for what she was doing, and told her that hey love her and don't want to see her destroy her thirty year marriage, or have their parents split up. She was very defiant, insisted she was doing what she had to to be happy. She finally became angry. She stood up, Looked at me, and announced that she had made her decision. She was leaving. She said she would leave in the morning. And she did.
It was a very painful scene, me and the kids crying in the driveway as she drove away smiling & waving. She packed some clothes, and moved in with him.That night my oldest son blasted her on facebook for what she had done, and tagged her in the post, so that every one she knows would see it. I had to meet with her the next morning, because we had an appointment with a lawyer for a lawsuit we had been working on.She screamed at me for the better part of an hour over the exposure, as if I had done it myself, and blamed me for letting it happen. (knowing what I have learned since being here, I wish I had done it myself as soon as I found out about the affair.) I explained to her that I had warned her of the consequences for making a bad decision, and she had stated that she would accept them. This was fallout from her choice. She eventually calmed down, and by the time we had finished our business, and grabbed lunch, we were getting along ok, though she would keep darting to the restroom to call HIM. We talked after lunch, and she even mentioned reconciliation several times.
Everyday since she first dropped the bomb on me, I text her a picture if flowers every morning, and tell to have a great day, and I love her. Most days, (not always) she texts back, and thanks for the flowers, and says she loves me too. We have an agreement that we will remain friends and stay in touch, have lunch once a week. She only responds to my texts about 1/2 the time, and we haven't met for lunch in a couple of weeks. She calls occasionally, but the conversations are short, and I try to keep them light hearted & cheerful. I asked her to come to Thanks giving and spend the day with us, but she would not. Lots of excuses.She can't seem to pry herself away from him for more than an hour or two, and if she does, she is calling or texting him at every opportunity.She is now working with him, and is with him 24/7.
I have been speaking with OM's wife. She has enlightened me on a number of facts about him. She is in the same place I am, my wife was told that they were divorced several years ago. They are still married, in fact he kicked her out the day my wife left me, so she could move in. He is not now, nor has he ever been a professional bull rider, was never in the hospital, his RV wasn't vandalized, she was living in it, etc, etc, etc. Everything he has told my wife from the beginning has been a lie. His wife has tried talking to her, but she just cusses her out and hangs up. He has convinced my wife that his wife is a mental case.
So she is writing my wife a letter explaining all of the lies and deception, and providing proof to back up what she says. Our hope is that she will dump him once she finds out about all of his lies.
I hope it works, but my fear is that she is so addicted at this point, that she wouldn't care if he was a serial killer.
Continuing with Plan A for now. Any input would be appreciated.