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#2830987 11/30/14 08:22 PM
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Here's my story,
Around mid September 2014, my wife told me she met this guy on facebook. He was a friend of a friend. She has alot of friends, male & female, and is always making new friends. She is very outgoing, and loves to talk. I did not think anything of it at the time. This guy was a professional bull rider, and was about to participate in event. He was injured, and had to have surgery. None of his family would have anything to do with him. So, she was talking to him alot while he was in the hospital out of state. (phone only at his point she hadn't met him in person). He came into town about a week later, and his RV he used to travel to rodeos had been vandalized, and he could not stay there, and his bank account had been frozen because of a large check he wrote the hospital, so he couldn't get a motel. Wife told me about it, so I suggested we loan him some money until his was freed up. So, she got some cash out of the bank, and went and met him. I was working and couldn't go with her, but I trusted her, and didn't think it was a problem. That night, we were talking in bed before going to sleep, and I told her that she was spending alot of time talking to this guy, and I didn't want them getting too close. She assured me it wasn't like that, she promised that her heart belongs to me, and she would always be with me.

A few days later, we met for lunch as we do everyday, and she showed me a picture on here phone of a dozen roses. I asked what it was, and she said she had met him, and he had given back the money he borrowed, and gave her the roses as a thank you gift. Our adult son was with us, so I didn't say anything at the time. That night I sat her down asked what was going on. It wasn't appropriate for a friend to be giving roses to a married woman. She admitted she had special feelings for him, and she didn't want to hang around anymore. She loved me, and always would, but she was no longer "in Love" with me.I was floored to say the least.

She then proceeded to tell me that she has been unhappy for a long time, and began to dig up bones of everything I had done, or not done, over the last thirty years. Many of these things were things that we had dealt with long ago, made peace, and agreed never to mention again. Her recollection of these events was also much worst than what really happened.Most of which were things that I said, that were mean or hurtful, during our first year of marriage. She then went on to say that I don't spend time with her, we are struggling financially, (she doesn't work) and she was just tired of it all. I told her she had to stop this affair immediately, before it ruins our marriage. I had never been unfaithful to her, and she was breaking her promise to me, to always be faithful. She said she would not stop talking to him, and I had better not give her an ultimatum, be cause I would loose.

We spent the next several days talking and trying to again put all these bad feelings she had from the past behind us. She said she felt better, and forgave me again, for what I had done. But she would still keep talking to him.

Then she suggested a deal. She would agree to work on our marriage, because she could see that I really wanted to make her happy, and would also agree to counseling, if I would agree to let her continue talking to him. Foolishly I agreed to TRY. The next night, she informed me that she was going dancing with him, and would be home late. Though I protested, she reminded me of our agreement, and said she was going regardless of whether I liked it or not. She said not to worry she wasn't having sex with him. She did not come home that night. She came in about 10:00 am, and told me that they had both had to much to drink at the club, so they got a room close by and stayed the night. She wanted to be completely honest with me. She then told me in a very matter-of-fact manner, that they did have sex, and it was great. I was crushed.

We spent the next week talking alot, and I finally told her that this arrangement was not working.During all of this time, she was talking or texting him constantly when ever I wasn't around, or when she thought I wasn't looking. According to the phone records, she was on the phone with him 6-7 hours a day while I was at work. She was so obsessed with him that she wasn't hearing anything I was saying. I asked her to cut all ties with him, and give me six months to prove I could make her happier than she had ever been. I asked her to think about it and let me know in a few days.

We continued talking every possible moment, but she became more and more cold, and distant everyday.She suggested I go out with her brother for drinks one night, just to get out and forget things for a while. She called him and set it up, so the next night He came by and picked me up and we went to a local bar for drinks. I began to tell him what was going on. He listened, and the proceeded to tell me that he already knew, and my wife had told him the whole story already. Problem was, it was her version of the story, that did not even remotely resemble thee truth. I told him what really happened, and the facts, and agreed to help any way he could. By this time our four adult kids had already figured things out as well. So, we decided to try an intervention.

One evening, we all sat her down, and the kids and her brother all expressed their feeling for what she was doing, and told her that hey love her and don't want to see her destroy her thirty year marriage, or have their parents split up. She was very defiant, insisted she was doing what she had to to be happy. She finally became angry. She stood up, Looked at me, and announced that she had made her decision. She was leaving. She said she would leave in the morning. And she did.

It was a very painful scene, me and the kids crying in the driveway as she drove away smiling & waving. She packed some clothes, and moved in with him.That night my oldest son blasted her on facebook for what she had done, and tagged her in the post, so that every one she knows would see it. I had to meet with her the next morning, because we had an appointment with a lawyer for a lawsuit we had been working on.She screamed at me for the better part of an hour over the exposure, as if I had done it myself, and blamed me for letting it happen. (knowing what I have learned since being here, I wish I had done it myself as soon as I found out about the affair.) I explained to her that I had warned her of the consequences for making a bad decision, and she had stated that she would accept them. This was fallout from her choice. She eventually calmed down, and by the time we had finished our business, and grabbed lunch, we were getting along ok, though she would keep darting to the restroom to call HIM. We talked after lunch, and she even mentioned reconciliation several times.

Everyday since she first dropped the bomb on me, I text her a picture if flowers every morning, and tell to have a great day, and I love her. Most days, (not always) she texts back, and thanks for the flowers, and says she loves me too. We have an agreement that we will remain friends and stay in touch, have lunch once a week. She only responds to my texts about 1/2 the time, and we haven't met for lunch in a couple of weeks. She calls occasionally, but the conversations are short, and I try to keep them light hearted & cheerful. I asked her to come to Thanks giving and spend the day with us, but she would not. Lots of excuses.She can't seem to pry herself away from him for more than an hour or two, and if she does, she is calling or texting him at every opportunity.She is now working with him, and is with him 24/7.

I have been speaking with OM's wife. She has enlightened me on a number of facts about him. She is in the same place I am, my wife was told that they were divorced several years ago. They are still married, in fact he kicked her out the day my wife left me, so she could move in. He is not now, nor has he ever been a professional bull rider, was never in the hospital, his RV wasn't vandalized, she was living in it, etc, etc, etc. Everything he has told my wife from the beginning has been a lie. His wife has tried talking to her, but she just cusses her out and hangs up. He has convinced my wife that his wife is a mental case.

So she is writing my wife a letter explaining all of the lies and deception, and providing proof to back up what she says. Our hope is that she will dump him once she finds out about all of his lies.

I hope it works, but my fear is that she is so addicted at this point, that she wouldn't care if he was a serial killer.

Continuing with Plan A for now. Any input would be appreciated.


BS (me) 52
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D Day 10/10/14
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Originally Posted by Torndown
Continuing with Plan A for now. Any input would be appreciated.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, TD, you are in the right place! You have done a splendid job of fighting the affair thus far. A couple of things that came to mind reading your post:

1. I would finish up any remaining exposures. Any family members, children, the OM's family, etc. Make sure everyone knows. The PARENTS of an OM will be a very effective exposure because it will embarrass your wife. She won't want to face them if they know she is a married woman.

If there is anyone who has not heard the story FROM YOU, I would make sure they get the correct story. Use the templates and talking points from my exposure thread in my signature.

2. If she has access to any of your finances, I would shut that down. She will wipe you out financially if allowed. Put the pressure on the OM to support her

3. Get the book, Survivng an Affair by Dr Bill Harley. It is the best book out there on infidelity. It will explain how this happened and tell you how to save your marriage

In the meantime, you are managing your contact with her perfectly. Focus on avoiding love busters at all costs and be as pleasant as possible. You are competing with a BUM and pretty soon the gloss will wear off and his true despicable nature will come out. You will win this competition, I predict.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Torndown
Around mid September 2014, my wife told me she met this guy on facebook. He was a friend of a friend. She has alot of friends, male & female, and is always making new friends.

This is why your wife is in an affair. This is how affairs begin. Your instincts were telling you this was WRONG and they were RIGHT. In the future, this will have to be an integral part of recovering your marriage. Opposite sex friendships are a disaster to marriage. That is the cause of the thousands of affairs going back almost 20 years on this forum. The Risk of Opposite-sex Friendships in Marriage by Willard F. Harley, Jr.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Thank you for the input MelodyLane.
1.She has already met OM's parents, and according to her, they like much more than OM's wife. (lying of course). OM's wife says that she went and visited them a few days ago, and they told her they didn't know what to think, it was awkward.
2. I already have moved all of the money to a new account. She was out spending money the day she left. So I took care of that right away.
3. I already have the book, and have read most of it, still working on it.

My biggest regret is that I din't find MB sooner. I did not find it until after she left. If I had known then, what I have learned here, I may been able to stop the affair before she left. If and when she does come back, things will be very different. No more male friends period.


BS (me) 52
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D Day 10/10/14
WW left 11/05/14
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Originally Posted by Torndown
Thank you for the input MelodyLane.
1.She has already met OM's parents, and according to her, they like much more than OM's wife. (lying of course). OM's wife says that she went and visited them a few days ago, and they told her they didn't know what to think, it was awkward.

This would be a wonderful opportunity for you to cause conflict in the affair. They have only heard lies from your WW and the OM. If you and your sons contact them and tell them all about the affair you can really shake things up. Ask them to use their influence to persuade their son to leave your wife alone.

Quote
2. I already have moved all of the money to a new account. She was out spending money the day she left. So I took care of that right away.

Good deal!

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3. I already have the book, and have read most of it, still working on it.

perfect..

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My biggest regret is that I din't find MB sooner. I did not find it until after she left. If I had known then, what I have learned here, I may been able to stop the affair before she left. If and when she does come back, things will be very different. No more male friends period.

You are still in a good position. In fact, you are in a better position BECAUSE she moved in with dirtbag. The affair will die faster because reality will intrude. You did do the right things as soon as you figured this out. My money is on you.

Does the OM have a Facebook page? If he does, I would expose to all his contacts. But more importantly, I would be in direct contact with OM's PARENTS and family members. You can make it very hard for them to show their faces to his family over the holidays. They will end up sitting alone in an RV missing their children for Christmas.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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**edit**

moderator's note: please help this poster with MB concepts after taking the time to familiarize yourself with the program. Don't disrupt the thread with personal questions.

Last edited by Denali; 11/30/14 09:31 PM. Reason: TOS disrupting thread with personal musings
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Welcome to MarriageBuilders, TornDown.

You're doing a great job! Keep up the good work!

About the OM & OMW.... Do they have kids also?


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The OM doesn't have any kids, His wife does from a previous marriage. He told my WW that he had a daughter that he never knew existed until after her death at 15. Total lie, according to OMW. This guy has a string of sad stories, and my WW is a sucker for sad stories.


BS (me) 52
WW 47
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D Day 10/10/14
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Thanks for the encouragement, I can use all I can get. This is hands down the hardest thing I have ever encountered in my life. Thank you all for your support.


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WW 47
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D Day 10/10/14
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TD, did you see my comments about exposing to the OM's parents?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
TD, did you see my comments about exposing to the OM's parents?

Yes I did. The OMW has already filled them in.


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Originally Posted by Torndown
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
TD, did you see my comments about exposing to the OM's parents?

Yes I did. The OMW has already filled them in.

It would help tremendously if you contacted them personally and asked them for help. That will put pressure on them to discourage the affair.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Om.s parents are in pretty bad shape, health wise, and mentally. Don't know how much help they would be.


BS (me) 52
WW 47
M 30 years
D Day 10/10/14
WW left 11/05/14
Exposed 11/5/14 after she left
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Originally Posted by Torndown
Om.s parents are in pretty bad shape, health wise, and mentally. Don't know how much help they would be.

They might not be, but on the other hand, they might be a great help. You can't know if you don't contact them.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Update:
Since WW moved out a little over a month ago, we have had an agreement. We would meet at least once a week for lunch ( we met everyday before she left), and we would go on a date at least every other week, and we would work out at the gym, as often as possible, (at least once a week). In exchange, I would continue to pay for her cell phone, car insurance, and gym membership. I have not seen her in three weeks. Every time I try to set something up, she has a string of lame excuses why she can't make it. Including spend time with me and the kids on thanksgiving. Today, completely frustrated after she backed out on our plans for last night, I told her our agreement wasn't working, and simply could not handle the lame excuses anymore. She needs to start reimbursing me for those items I was paying for her.I she simply didn't want to see me, just say so, and stop making lame excuses. She said it wasn't that, she's just been working a lot, and this, and this. I told her to stop. Her actions speak louder than her words. I told her I still love her, the door was open if she wanted to end the affair and come home, but I simply could not handle being strung along anymore, and I would not be bothering her about meeting me anymore. She said that I needed to find me a girlfriend. I told her no, I do not want a girlfriend, I am married. Just be cause she was having an affair, doesn't mean I am going to. She said she would always love me because I am the father to her children, and she wanted me to be healthy, and happy, and said goodbye.

Ruff day, nerves still on edge. OM's BW has been supposed to send my WW a letter revealing the the lies the OM has been telling my WW, with pictures, and documents to prove his wild stories are lies. She has been dragging he feet now for three weeks, and I can't get her to finish the task, and send it to my WW.

All so frustrating.

Any comments are welcome.


BS (me) 52
WW 47
M 30 years
D Day 10/10/14
WW left 11/05/14
Exposed 11/5/14 after she left
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Excuses are common. When my WW was still at home, she became quite talented at finding excuses not to go to church. One week she told me she couldn't go because she wanted to wear slacks and couldn't find a pair she liked. I suggested jeans and she got angry at me for "trying to control her". So I offered to stay home and do some Bible reading with her and she got angry at me for "not giving her space".

Ditto with attempts at dates and such. This is her trying to carve out more time for OM. Sorry. frown


Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders"
2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more.

When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29
Married: 7 years
Together: 8 years
D-day: 10/5/2014
D filed: 1/22/2015
D Final: 6/4/2015

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Originally Posted by axslinger85
Ditto with attempts at dates and such. This is her trying to carve out more time for OM. Sorry. frown


She lives and works directly with him. They are together 24/7.


BS (me) 52
WW 47
M 30 years
D Day 10/10/14
WW left 11/05/14
Exposed 11/5/14 after she left
Currently working Plan A
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She call me little while ago, and was on her way to bring her car over so our sons could use it for work. Since she lives and works with OM, she doesn't use it. She was sweet as pie on the phone and while she was here. Then my daughter took her back.

I wonder if me putting my foot down got her attention?


BS (me) 52
WW 47
M 30 years
D Day 10/10/14
WW left 11/05/14
Exposed 11/5/14 after she left
Currently working Plan A
4 adult kids 22,23,24,&27
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Originally Posted by Torndown
She call me little while ago, and was on her way to bring her car over so our sons could use it for work. Since she lives and works with OM, she doesn't use it. She was sweet as pie on the phone and while she was here. Then my daughter took her back.

I wonder if me putting my foot down got her attention?

Being your WW is working and living with the OM twenty-four seven you will not be able to plan A her. Better for you to go plan B.

Time to go NC with your WW.

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Originally Posted by Torndown
She call me little while ago, and was on her way to bring her car over so our sons could use it for work. Since she lives and works with OM, she doesn't use it. She was sweet as pie on the phone and while she was here. Then my daughter took her back.

I wonder if me putting my foot down got her attention?
Have you read the story of Jon and Sue in SAA? Sue also moved in with OM.

Have you contacted OM's parents yet?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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