What to do as the other woman? - 05/31/15 04:43 PM
Hello!
I (39F) stumbled on this site this morning after yet another emotional conversation with my married non-boyfriend and have really found some powerful information. But I need advice.
About 7 months ago, a co-worker (32M) approached me to start a out of work friendship. He knew that I was recently divorced and that I had 2 young boys (2 and 5(. He also has 2 very young boys (1 and 4) and we had commiserated in the past of the "joys" of parenting very young children. He is very well respected at work, and i was flattered that he wanted to spend time with me. We went out a few times as friends and I honestly didn't think he was after anything else. He is quiet and socially awkward but very intelligent and once I got him out of his shell, we found we had a lot in common and had amazing conversations. About a month later, he mentions that his marriage (42F) is in trouble and had been for a few years and in the last few months had become untenable. He was crying uncontrollably every day and was considering suicide. He knows he shouldnt have married her and probably married too young. The kids added stress and she was not helping with them, the housework, at all. They had nannies and daycare and he was doing all the shopping, cooking, etc. She was keeping him from taking promotions and his career was suffering. Internally I was like, yup, here is comes... of course he doesn't just want to be friends. Externally I listened as a friend and gave some advice. Eventually he came on to me and I told him that he needed to figure himself out and I would not be a part of breaking up a family. A week later he moved out, told me he had asked for a divorce. So we started an intimate relationship. Suddenly, we were together all the time and the "addiction" to the love drug intensified. He was in therapy and his wife finally agreed to go to therapy on her own and to couples therapy to figure out how to co-parent. After 6 weeks, his words about their therapy started to change and I noticed he was pulling away. I kicked him out of my house saying that if there was a chance to save his marriage, he needed to go adore his wife and focus on it. That lasted 2 weeks, until we saw each other at work event. He was crying saying it was still awful. We bounced back and forth like this for the next few weeks until we decided that we should just be friends while he worked on his marriage. We have talked on the phone or seen each other at least weekly ever since.
Now I see that he was addicted to me and couldn't stay away. Recently she found out that we were still in contact, albeit "platonic" though there is no doubt that this is an emotional affair.
After 6 months of therapy, they have come to the conclusion that they don't have a partnership and we will talking about it at their next session. I found this site and sent him the emotional needs questionnaire. I think that before he and I started being friends that he discovered that his emotional needs weren't being fulfilled and when he asked her to make changes, she refused or belittled him, which emptied his love bank. She knows about me, so now both of their love banks are empty and with cracks. He is addicted to me (and I to him). I want him to be happy and if he decides on divorce, that he does it feeling he didn't have any other options.
What should I do? I am not strong enough to tell him to go away. I have tried and he keeps coming back and I keep letting him.
I found a lot on this site that resonates. He doesn't love her, he loves me (addiction). He is unsure that the changes she promises are genuine because she wasn't willing to even try to change until she had the proverbial gun to her head and is worried that things will be the same if he goes back and that the cycle will repeat.
Besides leading him here, any other advice from anyone? I am trying to date other men (who are truly available), but they don't measure up. I am in therapy myself (and even he has gone to talk to my therapist).
Help! I don't want to be the other woman, but I am. I hate it. I want to be happy. I want him to be happy.
I (39F) stumbled on this site this morning after yet another emotional conversation with my married non-boyfriend and have really found some powerful information. But I need advice.
About 7 months ago, a co-worker (32M) approached me to start a out of work friendship. He knew that I was recently divorced and that I had 2 young boys (2 and 5(. He also has 2 very young boys (1 and 4) and we had commiserated in the past of the "joys" of parenting very young children. He is very well respected at work, and i was flattered that he wanted to spend time with me. We went out a few times as friends and I honestly didn't think he was after anything else. He is quiet and socially awkward but very intelligent and once I got him out of his shell, we found we had a lot in common and had amazing conversations. About a month later, he mentions that his marriage (42F) is in trouble and had been for a few years and in the last few months had become untenable. He was crying uncontrollably every day and was considering suicide. He knows he shouldnt have married her and probably married too young. The kids added stress and she was not helping with them, the housework, at all. They had nannies and daycare and he was doing all the shopping, cooking, etc. She was keeping him from taking promotions and his career was suffering. Internally I was like, yup, here is comes... of course he doesn't just want to be friends. Externally I listened as a friend and gave some advice. Eventually he came on to me and I told him that he needed to figure himself out and I would not be a part of breaking up a family. A week later he moved out, told me he had asked for a divorce. So we started an intimate relationship. Suddenly, we were together all the time and the "addiction" to the love drug intensified. He was in therapy and his wife finally agreed to go to therapy on her own and to couples therapy to figure out how to co-parent. After 6 weeks, his words about their therapy started to change and I noticed he was pulling away. I kicked him out of my house saying that if there was a chance to save his marriage, he needed to go adore his wife and focus on it. That lasted 2 weeks, until we saw each other at work event. He was crying saying it was still awful. We bounced back and forth like this for the next few weeks until we decided that we should just be friends while he worked on his marriage. We have talked on the phone or seen each other at least weekly ever since.
Now I see that he was addicted to me and couldn't stay away. Recently she found out that we were still in contact, albeit "platonic" though there is no doubt that this is an emotional affair.
After 6 months of therapy, they have come to the conclusion that they don't have a partnership and we will talking about it at their next session. I found this site and sent him the emotional needs questionnaire. I think that before he and I started being friends that he discovered that his emotional needs weren't being fulfilled and when he asked her to make changes, she refused or belittled him, which emptied his love bank. She knows about me, so now both of their love banks are empty and with cracks. He is addicted to me (and I to him). I want him to be happy and if he decides on divorce, that he does it feeling he didn't have any other options.
What should I do? I am not strong enough to tell him to go away. I have tried and he keeps coming back and I keep letting him.
I found a lot on this site that resonates. He doesn't love her, he loves me (addiction). He is unsure that the changes she promises are genuine because she wasn't willing to even try to change until she had the proverbial gun to her head and is worried that things will be the same if he goes back and that the cycle will repeat.
Besides leading him here, any other advice from anyone? I am trying to date other men (who are truly available), but they don't measure up. I am in therapy myself (and even he has gone to talk to my therapist).
Help! I don't want to be the other woman, but I am. I hate it. I want to be happy. I want him to be happy.