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Hello!

I (39F) stumbled on this site this morning after yet another emotional conversation with my married non-boyfriend and have really found some powerful information. But I need advice.

About 7 months ago, a co-worker (32M) approached me to start a out of work friendship. He knew that I was recently divorced and that I had 2 young boys (2 and 5(. He also has 2 very young boys (1 and 4) and we had commiserated in the past of the "joys" of parenting very young children. He is very well respected at work, and i was flattered that he wanted to spend time with me. We went out a few times as friends and I honestly didn't think he was after anything else. He is quiet and socially awkward but very intelligent and once I got him out of his shell, we found we had a lot in common and had amazing conversations. About a month later, he mentions that his marriage (42F) is in trouble and had been for a few years and in the last few months had become untenable. He was crying uncontrollably every day and was considering suicide. He knows he shouldnt have married her and probably married too young. The kids added stress and she was not helping with them, the housework, at all. They had nannies and daycare and he was doing all the shopping, cooking, etc. She was keeping him from taking promotions and his career was suffering. Internally I was like, yup, here is comes... of course he doesn't just want to be friends. Externally I listened as a friend and gave some advice. Eventually he came on to me and I told him that he needed to figure himself out and I would not be a part of breaking up a family. A week later he moved out, told me he had asked for a divorce. So we started an intimate relationship. Suddenly, we were together all the time and the "addiction" to the love drug intensified. He was in therapy and his wife finally agreed to go to therapy on her own and to couples therapy to figure out how to co-parent. After 6 weeks, his words about their therapy started to change and I noticed he was pulling away. I kicked him out of my house saying that if there was a chance to save his marriage, he needed to go adore his wife and focus on it. That lasted 2 weeks, until we saw each other at work event. He was crying saying it was still awful. We bounced back and forth like this for the next few weeks until we decided that we should just be friends while he worked on his marriage. We have talked on the phone or seen each other at least weekly ever since.

Now I see that he was addicted to me and couldn't stay away. Recently she found out that we were still in contact, albeit "platonic" though there is no doubt that this is an emotional affair.

After 6 months of therapy, they have come to the conclusion that they don't have a partnership and we will talking about it at their next session. I found this site and sent him the emotional needs questionnaire. I think that before he and I started being friends that he discovered that his emotional needs weren't being fulfilled and when he asked her to make changes, she refused or belittled him, which emptied his love bank. She knows about me, so now both of their love banks are empty and with cracks. He is addicted to me (and I to him). I want him to be happy and if he decides on divorce, that he does it feeling he didn't have any other options.

What should I do? I am not strong enough to tell him to go away. I have tried and he keeps coming back and I keep letting him.

I found a lot on this site that resonates. He doesn't love her, he loves me (addiction). He is unsure that the changes she promises are genuine because she wasn't willing to even try to change until she had the proverbial gun to her head and is worried that things will be the same if he goes back and that the cycle will repeat.

Besides leading him here, any other advice from anyone? I am trying to date other men (who are truly available), but they don't measure up. I am in therapy myself (and even he has gone to talk to my therapist).

Help! I don't want to be the other woman, but I am. I hate it. I want to be happy. I want him to be happy.

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Sorry, but you *are* the other woman and are helping wreck a marriage. You need to leave this woman's husband alone. There is no future in your affair because you will be eternally hated by his children and his family for your part in the break up of the marriage. Stay away.

Stop taking his calls and commit to completely ending contact. You are the reason he cannot save his marriage. As long as you are hanging around like a crack pipe to an addict, he cannot recover.

If you want him to be happy, then stay away. He cannot ever be "happy" in an affair. They are doomed to failure.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Don't come here and pretend like you care about this man. You are the arsonist who feigns "concern" about the house you just caught on fire. Stay away from this married man. You are toxic to his marriage and the enemy of his children.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Affairs are addictions but they don't last. You won't get your life back until you go No contact with this man and go through a period of withdrawal.

Do you have any idea of the pain you are causing this woman with every bit of 'platonic contact'? you just keep plunging the knife in. It is utter and complete agony and you have no respect for yourself to keep yourself hiding in the alleyways behind her marriage with the knife poised. Cruel and desperate.

You can bet every word he told you about her was not only a lie, but quite simply none of your business.

Do you really want to enter an affairage (marriage that began as an affair) with a man you can't trust? Who is going to be blabbing about your personal problems to any woman silly enough to listen to complaints about a wife?! If a married coworker tried that with me, he'd lose his job. It's harrassment and insulting to get the 'my wife doesn't understand me' line. Not bad enough to leave her though is it?

Get your life back and drop this guy like the bad habit he is. Knowing you can't ever make up what you helped him do to her.


Last edited by indiegirl; 05/31/15 12:22 PM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Let's look at the statistics of affairs and marriages. 95% of affairs crumble. Of the 5% that make it to marriage, 70% of those end in divorce. In your case it will be much higher because of the step family aspect; that brings you up to 85% chance of divorce. Especially when his children get old enough to learn you directly contributed to the destruction of their family. They will hate you.

You also have the family aspect because most decent families would not allow someone like you to darken their doorsteps. You would be persona non grata.

On the other hand, 65% of marriages that experience affairs don't end in divorce. So, your odds are very, very poor.

Add to that the fact that you have taken up with a man with a demonstrated history of infidelity, dishonesty and cruelty. He believes that adultery is the solution to an unhappy marriage. What he does with you, he WILL do to you, I assure you.

Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and author of Marriage Builders
"My experience, and the experience of other professionals is that about 95% of all affairs either end by one person deciding to end it, or that it dies a natural death. Of the five percent that end in marriage, about 70% of those end in divorce. There are a host of reasons that romantic relationships that start with an affair are so fragile, but the main reason is that they are based on deceit, thoughtlessness, and dishonesty. Those characteristics eventually find themselves permeating the affair itself. They eventually find themselves being deceitful, thoughtless, and dishonest toward each other."

And if your relationship did advance, once the fantasy ["addiction"] wears off there will be nothing left in your relationship. The fantasy will wear off quickly when reality intrudes. When that happens, demands, disrespect and horrible fights will ensue because of his high expectations. His expectations of you will be enormous because of all he has sacrificed for your affair. Affairs are notoriously volatile and full of very violent fights.

Dr. Harley calls these "relationships" affairages and discusses them on this radio clip: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2233

Your best bet is to leave this married man alone. Leave these people ALONE and start using some good judgement in your decisions. You demonstrated very poor judgment getting involved with a marriage man. Most women have more common sense than that.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by theotherwoman42
He knew that I was recently divorced and that I had 2 young boys (2 and 5(. He also has 2 very young boys (1 and 4) and we had commiserated in the past of the "joys" of parenting very young children.


So he targeted you in the wake of your divorce. Classy.

He also must think highly of your maternal instincts to ask you to break up his kids home.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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This is the thread of a woman who married her affair partner.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2478315

It really must be an addiction. If I had two young children I would be terrified about them hearing about what I had done to another child's home. Which is going to happen. Everyone will find out about you. This stuff is posted online these days, by BWs who must protect their homes.

Not to mention introducing my kids to a cheating married man!



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by theotherwoman42
.

Besides leading him here, any other advice from anyone? I am trying to date other men (who are truly available), but they don't measure up. I am in therapy myself (and even he has gone to talk to my therapist).


Keep your nose out of this family's private life and don't be so inappropriate as to invite him into yours. It's none of your beeswax and he only makes it your business so as to get into your pants.

Change your number and email and block social media. If you have to, change jobs.

Unfortunately you cannot apologise in any other way to his wife. Contact with you of any kind would be too traumatic for her.


Last edited by indiegirl; 05/31/15 12:37 PM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Are you serious right now when you say the other men you've dated "don't measure up" to a KNOWN snake and adulterer? Are you serious? What kind of demons are you dating? This is sad if you think a known adulterer, who is married to someone else, is a better option than anyone but a murderer and child molester.


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D-Day- 11/22/13
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Originally Posted by theotherwoman42
Besides leading him here, any other advice from anyone? I am trying to date other men (who are truly available), but they don't measure up.

Do these men know what you are? They have a right to know that you screw married men and have a very low regard for marriage. They have a right to know what they are getting with you. Most decent men wouldn't touch you with a 10' pole, knowing your history.

Dr Harley has specialized in saving marriages from infidelity for 40 years and here is the warning he would give to these men you are dating:

Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
"I am currently counseling three couples where the wife is having, or has had, numerous affairs during their marriage. In each case, they had at least one affair with a married man prior to their marriage. These couples now have children together, and the wife is still having affairs. You did not mention children, so I would assume that you don't have any yet. If you do have children, I would encourage you to do whatever possible to win her back, but if you do not, I would encourage a divorce. The three husbands that I am counseling will all tell you that trying to keep their marriage together has been the most painful experience of their lives."

In other words, you would not be considered marriage material to any decent man. They should know that you are very high risk.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Everyone else here so far is appealing to your ability to empathize with his wife, which would be the morally sensible thing to do, but I do not think you will do or else you wouldn't have let this go this far.

So I'm going to appeal to your self interest.

This man is not a knight in shining armor, nor is he a victim of a cruel wife or a ill-fated marriage, nor are you all that special to him.

Think of what you've already told us about him. High visibility in your company, initiated the exclusive relationship with you, initiated the discussion about his marriage problems with you, etc.

He is playing you. All of that is very deliberate. He understands his cachet and his attractiveness to you, and he is playing you like a fiddle. He understands how to get what he wants out of you, and he is getting it, is he not?

It's almost certain you are not the first one, and you might not even be the only one. These are moves of experience.

He is also not a very suitable partner for you, if you're at all interested in a stable future with a man. Look at his history.

A poor marriage is not an excuse to start trolling for action at work, and his willingness to share the intimate details of his current relationship with another woman will carry into his next relationship.

I was in a mostly sexless marriage for 6 years, and not a soul was ever told about it by me, other than our pastor (a male). And it wasn't my idea for the marriage to be that way, I just kept getting rejected and pushed away over and over. I know all about a painful marriage. But the idea of telling another WOMAN in my WORKPLACE about what was happening to me was completely unacceptable to me. It was beneath me, out of respect for me wife. None of my closest friends knew about the situation for the same exact reason...out of respect to my wife. It was none of their damn business.

So unless the idea of this man having conversations with other women about your future relationship appeals to you, I'm going to tell you...ABORT. Get out. What he is doing is dysfunctional. It's not something a man of principles or integrity would do. He's not right.

All of this about married too young, mismatch, neglected, etc....excuses. Sorry, but it's the truth. Talk most divorcees anywhere and they will give you at least 2 of the 3 I mentioned. They are emotional coping mechanisms for people who have difficulty with the concept of responsibility. Ask me why my marriage failed and I'd start with my wife's affair (a fact, rather than an opinion) and then proceed to other facts like my disrespectful attitude to her, my workaholic approach to our schedule, and a general misunderstanding of how to build a romantic relationship (like the MB program outlines). Plenty of other betrayed husbands on here would tell you the same.

That's how you find someone worth investing in. Look for responsibility. This guy fails the test there. "I married too young" is a way of saying that he was simply unable to behave in a way that would have resulted in a good marriage because his youth made him temporarily insane. It's an excuse.

Sorry to sound harsh, but I don't generally trust your ability to judge men if this guy is the only one who measures up in your mind. This guy is a loser, and truthfully, if a second divorce in few more years sounds good to you, then by all means proceed here. But otherwise, stay far away. This man is a whole bundle of problems to any relationship he will ever participate in, unless he changes. "Cheat with you, cheat on you" isn't a untrue statement.

I'm in the process of divorce and almost finished with it, so I understand the idea of being a free agent again, but I wouldn't touch a cheating spouse with a ten foot pole, no matter how good their sales pitch was. You are overlooking very serious character flaws in this man that will destroy your future with him.


Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders"
2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more.

When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29
Married: 7 years
Together: 8 years
D-day: 10/5/2014
D filed: 1/22/2015
D Final: 6/4/2015

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Originally Posted by theotherwoman42
I (39F) stumbled on this site this morning ........ He is very well respected at work, and i was flattered that he wanted to spend time with me.

A middle aged woman is old enough to know better than to be "flattered" when a married man approaches her for an adulterous affair. How is it "flattering" to be treated as an unpaid wh*re? I can understand a silly, younger woman being "flattered" at the advances of a married man, but a woman your age? Sorry, but that is just exceptionally pisspoor judgment.

You weren't being flattered. He was spitting in your face by saying you were so cheap and easy that you would screw a married man. You were used.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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So clearly this man does not know how to
1) Pick partners (according to him)
2) Work on a relationship
3) Stick to his vows
4) Finish one relationship before he starts another


So why would you want to be with someone like this?

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I'm so sorry that you fell for his game. Recently divorced females are easy prey.

Do the people at work know that he targeted you? He won't be as well respected once everyone figures out what really happened.

Your best bet is to leave him in the dust. Otherwise it could cost you your job. You can save face better than he can. You were divorced and he groomed you. No wonder you can't really trust him.

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Originally Posted by theotherwoman42
What should I do? I am not strong enough to tell him to go away. I have tried and he keeps coming back and I keep letting him.

I doubt you will do it but I would suggest you expose your affair to family and friends (yours and OM's) so this affair can crumble and people will hold you both accountable. This man is no friend of yours. If he can betray his wife and children, you would be quite foolish to believe he would care anything about you and your children. Would you want your sons married to an adulteress or want them to know their mom is a homewrecking skank? That is a serious question. You are damaging your relationship with your children. POSOM doesn't care either.

Pick yourself up out of the gutter and expose the affair yourself.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Originally Posted by theotherwoman42
my married non-boyfriend

^^^ From the first sentence you typed. I hope you can look at this ^^^ description and see how stupid it sounds for you be having sex and a relationship with a married, non-boyfriend. crazy You have reduced yourself to being this guys's whore. If you don't like it then stop it and go NC with this loser for LIFE. There is no being his 'friend.' MrRollieEyes If you simply want to assuage your guilt with meaningless actions like telling him to go to counseling with his BW while still waiting in the wings, you deserve whatever unhappiness comes your way...and it will come.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Originally Posted by theotherwoman42
What should I do? I am not strong enough to tell him to go away. I have tried and he keeps coming back and I keep letting him.

Sometimes it's hard to say "no" to someone who seems to be being nice to you when you are vulnerable, which is often the case immediately after a divorce.

You need to find a way to strengthen up your backbone; one way is the realization that he targeted and used you with your vulnerability. Given his fairly predictable strategy, you are probably not the first woman he has targeted this way.

So, how to be stronger in this situation? Get accountability help! Here's Dr. Harley's tried and true method of keeping affair partners accountable to stay away from each other:

a) Find the contact information for this man's wife, family and close friends and send them an email apologizing to engaging in an affair with him, asking them to encourage him to not contact you again.

b) Notify HR and this man's boss that you wish to never be contacted (or see) this man in your work duties again because he sought you out after your divorce, at a time when you were vulnerable, and encouraged you to have an affair with him, which you deeply regret.

c) change your phone number and close all social media or email accounts which the two of you used to communicate. Ask HR to change your email address so he cannot contact you again.

This should give this predator reason enough to stay away and will introduce the accountability you need in order to stay strong.

It takes a lot of courage to reach out for help when you know you are doing wrong, so I applaud you for coming for help on how to fix it.

Please let us know when you complete the exposure tasks so we can give you help throughout the process if you need any clarifications or advice based on how people reacted.

You are worth FAR more than being a sweet talking, married man's side floozy. These steps will help you put this behind you, eliminate him as a threat to your self worth and move on with your life so you can meet someone who does not devalue you like this man did.

All the best, OW42. You can do this!


Are you living in a covenant with death? With bitterness in your marriage? Read Isaiah 28. The bed will not be long enough or the covers wide enough for you to ever find comfort in that life. In Isaiah 28, God tells you to take a stick and beat these conditions out of your life.

Isaiah 28:29 "This [command] also cometh forth from the Lord of hosts, which is wonderful in counsel, and excellent in working."
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Originally Posted by Sunnytimes
[You need to find a way to strengthen up your backbone; one way is the realization that he targeted and used you with your vulnerability. Given his fairly predictable strategy, you are probably not the first woman he has targeted this way.

I want to point out that this alleged "strategy" is as old as mankind. This is not a new "strategy" for a man to try and get in a woman's panties. I am pretty certain I learned all about that when I was about age ELEVEN. It would have never worked in the first place if she had not agreed to go out with a married man. It would not have worked if she hadn't taken off her panties with someone else's husband.

I firmly believe that women can be smart gurls and not be available to be "prey" to tricky devils. I am quite confident that a middle aged woman has this ability.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I have to say, that not only did I not find it difficult, I was quite repulsed bu some men's attempt to personally benefit from my pain.

That was just the single ones. The one married guy who tried it on had his entire family personally informed of his skeeviness by yours truly.

It's true - this technique doesn't say much about him. But neither one comes off well.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by Sunnytimes
[You need to find a way to strengthen up your backbone; one way is the realization that he targeted and used you with your vulnerability. Given his fairly predictable strategy, you are probably not the first woman he has targeted this way.

I want to point out that this alleged "strategy" is as old as mankind. This is not a new "strategy" for a man to try and get in a woman's pants. I am pretty certain I learned all about that when I was about age ELEVEN. It would have never worked in the first place if she had not agreed to go out with a married man.

I firmly believe that women can be smart gurls and not be available to be "prey" to tricky devils. I am quite confident that a middle aged woman has this ability.

I don't understand the need for people to give a WS an "out" by letting them blame it on the "manipulative OM/OW".

These waywards need to take responsibility for their own behavior and "we" collectively need to hold them accountable. No need to lure them into "doing the right thing" by giving them an "out". That DOES NOT work with waywards.



Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
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