I have knowledge my wife has been having an affair with a guy at the same company who is 20 years older than her. He has a wife and 3 kids (off to college). I have read the texts and how they are in love. We have a young baby together. I am looking at exposing this affair. But who do I go to?
If I go to him, I would ask to meet in a public place just for a talk. See what information he would give me. And ask him to stop the affair. Tell him my wife doesn't have to know for her protection. He has told my wife that he wants to try and work it out with his wife, yet they still meet secretly. He has a lot to lose if this gets exposed.
If i go to her: I have asked her recently if there was someone else and she flat out said no and to trust her. Would I be disrespecting her by going to him over her?
I know things could get bad, I am planning for the worse but would like to end this affair as quickly and smoothly as possible. Neither one can have this getting out to their bosses.

So who would you go to first?

Do you have the text messages?
You need to expose the affair far and wide. Start by showing the text messages to the others mans wife and children.
prior to exposure, read the exposure 101 thread. It will guide you step by step.

I have some of the text messages, not all.

Do you have the messages that confirm they are having an affair and profess love for each other?

Here is the link to the Exposure 101 thread:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2695379#Post2695379

You are misunderstanding exposure. Exposure is to inform people of facts they are not aware of. The OM and your wife already know. They are the last people on the list. You confront OM after you do the exposure to everyone else.

I would like to avoid her family being hurt by this. I want to protect as many as possible, yet get this affair ended as soon as possible. I am talking to a lawyer about my rights (parental and legal) if the wife does file for a divorce. I don't think she wants to and I don't get the impression the guy wants to from his wife.

Then you probably better rip the bandaid off as soon as possible. The way to protect people is by telling them the truth.

You mean you would like to hide the facts, which is the opposite of protecting people.

You should know that the only way to end this affair as soon as possible is for you to tell everybody the truth.

So reading through everything I have on here, taking advice from a counselor, going to see a lawyer, and from friends and family. I am still torn as to who I should approach. Do I go to him and hope his conscience kicks in and we keep it peaceful. Do I go to my wife and hope she realizes reality? I appreciate this site. I am all for suggestions and tips. I know there really is no right way of doing this. But like I said, I want to help them realize what they have done without create a huge fiasco.

Read: Exposure 101

Do not confront your wife. Your exposure targets are: Parents of all concerned, family, close friends, your children, workplace [if a workplace affair], spouse of the affair partner, pastor/church leaders, facebook friends of affair partner.

Dr. Harley has been an expert in the field of infidelity for decades and this is what he has to say about that:


http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2002600#Post2002600

There's the way that works, and there's all the other ways!

Are you listening to Dr. Harley's radio show, daily? Or are you passing up the chance to get expert advice from a clinical psychologist who has done this for years?

Not bad enough, already? What is this worse thing that you fear?

My wife had a workplace affair with her boss. You need to go to their bosses and tell them straight away. If you lack the courage to do that, then you lack the courage to fight for your marriage. In that case, I would cut your losses and plan for a divorce.

It is really just that simple.

If you don't expose far and wide then it will not end. You'll just give them a head's up and they'll be more discreet so you won't have any more proof. You'll be doing exactly what they need you to do for their affair to continue. It may hurt and cause massive embarrassment all around but if you love your wife and want to save the marriage then you have to expose far, wide, and publicly.

I should probably tell as many as possible. Unfortunately a lot of innocent people will be hurt by this.

Would you tell their place of employment? The financial impact could be devasting to me also because of this..

Did you read the Exposure 101 link?

Workplace exposure: Expose to Director of Human Resources, a key VP and both of the affairee�s supervisors using the template letter posted below.

Workplace exposure letter - be sure and send to 3 key people and cc each on the letter. Good targets would be the Director of Human Resources, a key VP and both affairee's supervisor. This can be sent via registered letter or even via email!

Developed by Brits Brat, board member and corporate attorney--

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,
_________________________

From Dr Harley's book, Surviving an Affair - pg 71,

"While I unhesitatingly recommend exposing the affair to friends, family, clergy, children and the lover's spouse, I'm not so quick to suggest exposing it to an employer. That's because such exposure could have unintended legal and economic consequences. For example, the affair might constitute grounds for a sexual harassment claim by the unfaithful spouse's lover. Or it might trigger the outright firing of the spouse, making it far more difficult for them to find another job. So in those cases I usually advise the betrayed spouse to warn the unfaithful spouse he or she will expose the affair to the employer in a month if the unfaithful spouse is still working there, giving him or her time to make a graceful exit from the job to another. Even if a new job cannot be found in a month, I recommend waiting no longer to inform the employer, unless the unfaithful spouse has already resigned."

yes i did.

They have ALREADY created a fiasco. You are just informing people why everything is going to tell in a handbasket.

1. There is no conscience with affair partners. They will laugh at you or worse tell you what you want to hear and the affair will go underground.

2. There is no way to protect anyone from this mess.

3. Exposure is far and wide, NO EXCEPTIONS. If it is a workplace affair, consider yourself lucky from exposure point of view.



I was just like you scared/worried about rocking the boat, hurting people, financial risk, etc.

I wish someone would have kicked me in the butt and told me to -"MAN UP!"

If you are interested in saving your marriage, you need to expose the affair to friends, family, OM's family and the workplace. You don't need to "expose" to the OM because he already knows he is having an affair with your wife.

Affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping it a secret only serves to enable the affair. We are not asking you to "hurt" her family, but to expose the affair to them and ask for their assistance. IT is the affair that hurts people, not the exposure of the affair. Exposure is therapeutic.

If you won't expose the affair, there is nothing we can do to help you because this will be hopeless.

Of course not. His "conscience" is not the problem. The problem is his affair with your wife. If he were following his conscience, then obviously he would not be having an affair.


Yes, you do. AFTER YOU HAVE EXPOSED THE AFFAIR.


No, there is a right way of doing this. We are not giving you our little "opinions;" we are giving you advice that comes from Dr. Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and author of Surviving an Affair. He has been saving marriages from infidelity for 45 years. The steps we are giving you are from him.

Please stop shopping for opinions. It will just confuse you.

The financial impact of DIVORCE will be devastating. Take your pick. Your marriage will never ever recover unless she leaves that job. You will be divorced.

So take your pick. Divorce or marriage? You won't get much benefit from her job if you are divorced, because you will be competing with the OM for her income. And she will strive to make sure you get NONE.

Your desire to appeal to the infidels sense of right and wrong will not work. You are greatly underestimating the addictive nature of affairs.

If you found out your wife was addicted to drugs, would you meet with her or her dealer and appeal to them to just stop because it is wrong? No, because you know that their addiction doesn't care about right and wrong. It cares about getting a fix.

If she were addicted to drugs, would you hide this from friends and family? Would you sit around and watch her throw her life away without asking for their help and support? No, you would not, unless you care more about appearances than your wife.

Affairs are addictions.

Well said, I'll have to remember that example

This concern comes up so much as an excuse not to expose that I wanted to point this out:

You are considering a false dichotomy when you look at the situation this way. It is false because one of the two outcomes you are anticipating is an illusion.

It is true that if your exposure results in her termination, she will lose (at least temporarily) her income. That outcome is real.

But it is not true that her income will continue to support you/your household indefinitely if you do not expose the affair. That outcome is an illusion.

It was true in the past, perhaps, but the presence of an affair shatters the stability of her income. If your marriage ends, her income leaves with her. And your marriage is in serious peril as long as this affair continues.

Someone with a serious tumor worries more about getting it removed and killing the cancer than they do about scar tissue and surgical complications.

You need to worry about killing the affair if her income is important to your household. Your marriage (and not her job) is what legally entitles you to her income. She could double her income and if you're divorced you won't see a red cent of it.

Also, you need to realize this situation is not a polite, civil matter. When you talk to OM, you won't be asking him anything or he will laugh in your face. You need to MAKE DEMANDS and help him understand that he just stepped in a bear trap from hell. A strong exposure will help him understand you mean business.

This situation is not something either your wife or her affair partner gently wandered into, even though so many wish to see it that way because they are in denial about the glaring character flaws in their wayward spouse. The whole process starts with completely inappropriate boundaries and you need to understand that is a slap in your face and needs to be treated as such.

Your response here needs to be shock and awe. Fast, surgical and overwhelming. The people you are dealing with (your WW and her OM) are not capable of addressing this situation rationally or else they wouldn't be doing it or continuing it. Don't expect to be able to appeal to their reason. Instead, focus on slamming all of the doors shut that enable their affair.

We can help you do that.

I have read many threads on infidelity. Lots of people regret not having exposed sooner or that they didn't fully expose. I just finished reading the thread of a woman who "protected" her daughters from the knowledge of affairs with several OW. Her WH is now living with OW6 and the girls are under the impression this started after the marriage had already failed.

I never came across a betrayed spouse that regretted exposure.

I hope you expose full and wide, so you won't have any regrets. After exposure healing can begin.

Well last night, i told the parents and sisters of my wife. I asked for their support.
The wife caught me on her phone and so I confronted her. She admitted it. But later in the night, her family turned against me. I know this is the "Fallout" stage. I have not shown any of them the proof I have. My wife wants to see my proof. I know I shouldn't show it. But I think if I show her a couple of the most devastating texts and not everything I have, that will help her realize I really know. Last night was the hardest thing in my life.

There is no need to show her, she has already seen (and/or written) it. The only reason for her to see your proof is to know what story she has to make up. She probably already lied to her family to make you look like the bad guy.

Don't trickle expose, but expose to everybody now. Exposure is most effective if it is done all at once. For your own good, don't hold back.

I have exposed it to everyone that is of influence in our life. I will tell her i had them deleted.

Have you contacted the OM wife and kids?

No I have not.

OM's wife is the most important exposure target. It is cruel to keep this information from her, she has the right to know. And she will be the most important influence on the OM's side to ending this affair.

What is your reason for not exposing to her?

You need to expose all at once, this trickle exposure is giving them time to spin their stories.

Posted to you yesterday.

Why are you ignoring this advice?

Trickle exposure is not effective. All you are doing is pissing off the infidels and giving them a chance to spin their stories and get to people before you do.

Oh my goodness....

You need to set aside your own ideas of who has "influence" and listen to us, since we have seen this scenario play out hundreds, if not thousands of times.

Did you see how long MelodyLane has been posting here? She helped my sister kill her H's affair back in 2009 (including workplace and OW family/friend exposure on FB) and they are happily recovered today.

It pains me to see BS's divert from the exposure plan in the hopes of appealing to a fogged out wayward....by doing a little trickle exposure at a time. which NEVER works.

Sigh.

Your WW wanting "proof" is completely unimportant at this point. She is the equivalent of a crackhead and her fogged out rants should be ignored. Do NOT engage her in these types of conversations and arguments.

While she is actively involved in her affair - there is no reasoning with her to do the right thing. Don't you understand that yet?

You should have used the time finishing your exposures.....

There is nothing that can be more devastating to an affair than exposure to the OM wife.

Also, i thought this was a workplace affair. You have been given a gift as it relates to blowing up the affair.
No company wants that kind of trouble and financial risk will create huge friction with the affair.

COME ON MAN!!!!

I am listening to all the advice you are giving. Yes, they work for the same company but in different places and sections. My wife has a great paying job and the economic effects on our 16 month baby outweigh the exposure to work.

I haven't gone to the wife yet, because in the last texts, he wrote my wife that she knows and he wants to work on their marriage and be better for her. Do I know if he truely means it, no. But I believe this was an emotional more than physical affair.

I see no recovery in your future.

Do you understand that you will lose her paycheck when she divorces you to be with him?

You are listening, but not doing! You are willing to sacrifice your marriage for a short term financial piece of mind. There is no piece of mind financially right now, your wayward has already put you on notice that your finances are at HIGH RISK!!!

No affair partner tells the truth, to assume so is just dumb.

You are in denial my friend, this is more than emotional!!!

Your 16 month old baby is going to feel the effects of divorced parents his/her entire life, rather than a short term economic break. Whats more important? Your marriage, or the income?

You need to show your proof to your exposure targets, particularly if your wife is gaslighting them and trying to discredit you. Do not reveal your sources of snooping, but show them your proof. This is tricky but can be done if you are thoughtful. IF you wait or do not do this, her family will not believe you. You can't afford that, you need them in your corner.

You are still in la-la land about her income. It's about to walk out the door, dude. Serious discipline or termination at her work would be a Godsend to your marriage's ability to survive this.

She and OM have to be separated in a way where they have NO ability to contact each other, otherwise your marriage will never survive even if your wife changes her mind and tries to end it. As long as she has access to this guy, she will be triggered and go back to him like an alcoholic who thinks they can visit the bar without getting drunk.

You have a golden opportunity to kill this affair and put into place a pre-requisite for recovery by exposing big-time to her employer. If you keep ignoring that you shouldn't just worry about losing her income, you should start planning on it.

Please reconsider.
You have one chance to do this right. As soon as she realizes you plan on telling people, she will try to prevent damage by saying that you are having psychological problems and you are seeing things, have been beating her, whatever to do damage control.

You have a concern: without her income, you will struggle financially. The bad news is, after your divorce you will struggle financially anyway, and you will not see your child other than on "your" weekend.
You will be paying for a wife who is shacking up with another man and for a child you don't see.

If you expose, they may or may not sack her and if they do, she will not be working with him anymore. If you don't expose, this situation of her working with him will kill you and your relationship anyway.

You don't have the choice of either having a good financial situation or not, you have the choice between a sober financial situation AND a family, or a sober financial situation WITHOUT your family.

When will you be exposing to OM's BW?

Update:
Wife and other guy have severed all communication outside of work. When they communicate at work it is in a group meeting. They both admitted it went too far. I got to do a Q&A session and had all my questions answered, what seemed honestly to me, and had a great talk with my wife. Wife wants to rebuild our marriage but says she needs to take small steps.
I know this is going to be a battle. But I am working on being better for her and to meet her needs again. Both said they only kissed a few times. They mostly just talked and listened to each other's issues. They both expressed a deep desire to keep their jobs and for me to not go to their employer. I guess if I find out they lied and its continuing, it would be an easy trump card to play.
I know its going to be a long road ahead, but it is definitely one I will travel.
Most advice I got from friends and family was that marriage is supposed to be easy. I completely disagree. If it was easy, everyone would be doing it. I guess that's why there is a 50% divorce rate. Marriage is hard and a battle. Love is wanting to go through that battle just for your significant other. The more I thought about this the more I realized, I do not know a single marriage that has been "easy". Thanks for the advice on here.

I view this as a hopeless situation because you refuse to follow the advice. All you have done is the equivalent of an alcoholic changing the name of his drinks to "business drinks" and pretending to be sober while he is falling down drunk in the bar every day. That is really cute, but he will never be sober.

Step ONE is ending all contact for life. YOU CANNOT GO TO STEP TWO UNTIL THAT IS COMPLETE. Not cutting back or applying little cute names like "group meeting" and "business contact" to an affair. Meeting in a group completely misses the point. When she sees him EVER, her feelings will stay perpetually triggered and the affair will never end.


You bet you are set on a very hard road..... to the School of Hard Knocks. What you are not on is the road to recovery. Welcome to a death of thousand cuts while your wife's affair becomes more and more entrenched.


A good marriage is "easy." A bad marriage is holy hell. You have CHOSEN a bad marriage. My marriage is very easy, because it comes easy when you are in love. Dr Harley and Joyce will tell you that their marriage is easy. BAD MARRIAGES are hard. That is why you think marriage is hard. It doesn't have to be.

Sir.....

You have willingly allowed yourself to be manipulated to the Nth degree.

"They Only Kissed A Few Times"

Hogwash!!! After the first kiss, all walls fell down.

Yet, you believe "Their" Story.

There is a saying on All of the marriage and infidelity forums, which goes:

"Believe NOTHING A Wayward Says And Only Half Of What The Show And Do"

Why is that mantra so common?

Because it is always true.

Like Melody Lane stated, your marital recovery is Hopeless...... Unless you do the Very First Step, which is to blow this affair apart immediately.

That includes the poor, unknowing other Betrayed Spouse, their top executives and Hung mailmessage Resources at their work, and ALL other Friends And Family that could have the opportunity to confront them on breaking up TWO Families and provide the support you so desperately need at this time.

Please Follow The Plan designed by Dr. Harley with 40 Years of experience, rather than the plan that the two cheating accomplices have decided on.

Is her job worth more than your marriage?

LTL

How do you really know for SURE? Have you snooped on her phone, or have other positive sources? How did you get access to her phone, if you did snoop on it, and did she know?

I'm in a position that I really need to know some answers about my wife's situation, but have absolutely nothing to go on at this point in time� not sure what to do next.

And will follow this to see what you do.

Tom, he read their texts so he has been aware of their affair for some time. They still work together but call their affair "business contact" so, of course the affair is still active.

If you want to know if your wife is having an affair, then you should put spyware on her cell phone, or on any other resource she might use to conduct an affair. Another method is to put a voice activated recorder in her car.

Expose to OM wife: IGNORED

Affairees must implement NC, meaning if they work together, one must leave: IGNORED.

You are on the train tracks, and are going to get slammed. Again.

And shame on you for keeping another BS in the dark.

You have become a partner in the crime of what is being done to harm her and her family. She is being NO opportunity to protect herself or her marriage.

It truly makes me cringe to see a BS behave this way.

We need to start a "Told ya so" thread of all the folks who ignore our advice and come back and say...."You were right and I was wrong." And are looking for "emergency" advice bc the WS is moving out or is talking divorce.

What they don't realize is that they already are in an emergency situation and any deviations from the MB plan when there is an affair (even a potential affair) usually has DISASTROUS results (Dr Harley's own words).

There have been hundreds such cases since I started posting here and maybe it would help to get through posters such as pokerguy.

Sigh.

x2

This poor woman is a victim in the most atrocious way. As her husband is at home, belittling her, rewriting history and telling her how horrible she is, comparing her unfairly to his new mistress who doesn't have to wash his dirty underwear or clean the toilets, she is spinning her wheels trying to figure out just where SHE is going wrong. How would you feel if YOU were the one in the dark because everyone was keeping it a secret from you?

Its very unkind, uncaring, inconsiderate, selfish behavior.

I can't believe you haven't told the OM's BW. How would you feel if someone knew and purposely wasn't telling you??

Please think of this poor BW.

So wrong for you to be denying the truth to the OMW. That is lying. Lying by omission.

You must expose this affair far and wide.

They rehearsed their stories and you believed their lies. They had sex and lots of it.

16 month old child. Time for a paternity test. For this affair could of started before they led you to think.

Polygraph tests are not a bluffing tool. To be effective a test must be scheduled. The WW will then try to get you to cancel with don't you believe me. You tell why should you, she broke your trust with her PA.

WW's then trickle truth some more, claim you now know all, so cancel the test ploy. You say the test is on for you need to confirm what she has just said is the full truth.

You have the best people here giving you a plan to follow based on many years experience with way to many affairs.

Yet you think you are smarter then them. So foolish of you.

This affair will not end for you because you will not do a full exposure, including work. Will not demand NC including work.

Your wife places more importance on her job then your marriage and maintaining contact with the OM.

You place more importance on your WW's job then your marriage.

When a marriage is low priority it will fail. Make it a priority, expose, get your WW to quit or get fired from that job. Then move far away from them OM.

Not telling the OM's wife makes you an accessory to the crime. You are now in collusion with the adulterers in their mission to hurt others.

Excellent Idea!!!

LTL

I really hate saying "I told you so," but what I hate worse is sitting by watching someone squander each and every chance they have at saving their marriage. It is downright painful to watch. By the time they come back ready to act, it is usually too late because the longer the affair goes on, the harder it is to turn around.

What I can't fathom is why some people come here, ask for advice, and then don't take it. That makes no sense to me whatsoever. I can understand why someone would ignore advice if they had a better plan, but they don't. And why ask in the first place if you aren't serious?

I think that often the BS is in a deep fog themselves, and so it doesn't compute that their marriage is truly as bad as the (clear-headed) folks on here are portraying.

Especially for those with a long history of independent behavior, the wayward's gaslighting has done a number on the BSs personal view of reality. Looking back, I know that is what my sitch was.

It takes what it takes, I guess. The BS eyes will be opened when they are ready. But in the meantime MelodyLane and others, do not for one second doubt the amazing care that you are (freely) giving here. And yes, I also think an "I told ya so!" thread would be good.