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There is nothing that can be more devastating to an affair than exposure to the OM wife.

Also, i thought this was a workplace affair. You have been given a gift as it relates to blowing up the affair.
No company wants that kind of trouble and financial risk will create huge friction with the affair.

COME ON MAN!!!!

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I am listening to all the advice you are giving. Yes, they work for the same company but in different places and sections. My wife has a great paying job and the economic effects on our 16 month baby outweigh the exposure to work.

I haven't gone to the wife yet, because in the last texts, he wrote my wife that she knows and he wants to work on their marriage and be better for her. Do I know if he truely means it, no. But I believe this was an emotional more than physical affair.

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Originally Posted by ndpokerguy
I am listening to all the advice you are giving. Yes, they work for the same company but in different places and sections. My wife has a great paying job and the economic effects on our 16 month baby outweigh the exposure to work.

I haven't gone to the wife yet, because in the last texts, he wrote my wife that she knows and he wants to work on their marriage and be better for her. Do I know if he truely means it, no. But I believe this was an emotional more than physical affair.

I see no recovery in your future.

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Do you understand that you will lose her paycheck when she divorces you to be with him?

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Originally Posted by ndpokerguy
I am listening to all the advice you are giving. Yes, they work for the same company but in different places and sections. My wife has a great paying job and the economic effects on our 16 month baby outweigh the exposure to work.

I haven't gone to the wife yet, because in the last texts, he wrote my wife that she knows and he wants to work on their marriage and be better for her. Do I know if he truely means it, no. But I believe this was an emotional more than physical affair.


You are listening, but not doing! You are willing to sacrifice your marriage for a short term financial piece of mind. There is no piece of mind financially right now, your wayward has already put you on notice that your finances are at HIGH RISK!!!

No affair partner tells the truth, to assume so is just dumb.

You are in denial my friend, this is more than emotional!!!


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Originally Posted by ndpokerguy
I am listening to all the advice you are giving. Yes, they work for the same company but in different places and sections. My wife has a great paying job and the economic effects on our 16 month baby outweigh the exposure to work.

I haven't gone to the wife yet, because in the last texts, he wrote my wife that she knows and he wants to work on their marriage and be better for her. Do I know if he truely means it, no. But I believe this was an emotional more than physical affair.

Your 16 month old baby is going to feel the effects of divorced parents his/her entire life, rather than a short term economic break. Whats more important? Your marriage, or the income?


BW-27
FWH-31
DS-6
Married several years
D-Day- 11/22/13
Plan A+Exposure
NC+Beginning of Recovery-04/2014

In Recovery and happier and more in love than ever
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You need to show your proof to your exposure targets, particularly if your wife is gaslighting them and trying to discredit you. Do not reveal your sources of snooping, but show them your proof. This is tricky but can be done if you are thoughtful. IF you wait or do not do this, her family will not believe you. You can't afford that, you need them in your corner.

You are still in la-la land about her income. It's about to walk out the door, dude. Serious discipline or termination at her work would be a Godsend to your marriage's ability to survive this.

She and OM have to be separated in a way where they have NO ability to contact each other, otherwise your marriage will never survive even if your wife changes her mind and tries to end it. As long as she has access to this guy, she will be triggered and go back to him like an alcoholic who thinks they can visit the bar without getting drunk.

You have a golden opportunity to kill this affair and put into place a pre-requisite for recovery by exposing big-time to her employer. If you keep ignoring that you shouldn't just worry about losing her income, you should start planning on it.


Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders"
2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more.

When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29
Married: 7 years
Together: 8 years
D-day: 10/5/2014
D filed: 1/22/2015
D Final: 6/4/2015

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Please reconsider.
You have one chance to do this right. As soon as she realizes you plan on telling people, she will try to prevent damage by saying that you are having psychological problems and you are seeing things, have been beating her, whatever to do damage control.

You have a concern: without her income, you will struggle financially. The bad news is, after your divorce you will struggle financially anyway, and you will not see your child other than on "your" weekend.
You will be paying for a wife who is shacking up with another man and for a child you don't see.

If you expose, they may or may not sack her and if they do, she will not be working with him anymore. If you don't expose, this situation of her working with him will kill you and your relationship anyway.

You don't have the choice of either having a good financial situation or not, you have the choice between a sober financial situation AND a family, or a sober financial situation WITHOUT your family.





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all the children
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When will you be exposing to OM's BW?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Update:
Wife and other guy have severed all communication outside of work. When they communicate at work it is in a group meeting. They both admitted it went too far. I got to do a Q&A session and had all my questions answered, what seemed honestly to me, and had a great talk with my wife. Wife wants to rebuild our marriage but says she needs to take small steps.
I know this is going to be a battle. But I am working on being better for her and to meet her needs again. Both said they only kissed a few times. They mostly just talked and listened to each other's issues. They both expressed a deep desire to keep their jobs and for me to not go to their employer. I guess if I find out they lied and its continuing, it would be an easy trump card to play.
I know its going to be a long road ahead, but it is definitely one I will travel.
Most advice I got from friends and family was that marriage is supposed to be easy. I completely disagree. If it was easy, everyone would be doing it. I guess that's why there is a 50% divorce rate. Marriage is hard and a battle. Love is wanting to go through that battle just for your significant other. The more I thought about this the more I realized, I do not know a single marriage that has been "easy". Thanks for the advice on here.

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Originally Posted by ndpokerguy
UWife and other guy have severed all communication outside of work. When they communicate at work it is in a group meeting.

I view this as a hopeless situation because you refuse to follow the advice. All you have done is the equivalent of an alcoholic changing the name of his drinks to "business drinks" and pretending to be sober while he is falling down drunk in the bar every day. That is really cute, but he will never be sober.

Step ONE is ending all contact for life. YOU CANNOT GO TO STEP TWO UNTIL THAT IS COMPLETE. Not cutting back or applying little cute names like "group meeting" and "business contact" to an affair. Meeting in a group completely misses the point. When she sees him EVER, her feelings will stay perpetually triggered and the affair will never end.

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I know its going to be a long road ahead, but it is definitely one I will travel.

You bet you are set on a very hard road..... to the School of Hard Knocks. What you are not on is the road to recovery. Welcome to a death of thousand cuts while your wife's affair becomes more and more entrenched.

Quote
Most advice I got from friends and family was that marriage is supposed to be easy. I completely disagree. The more I thought about this the more I realized, I do not know a single marriage that has been "easy". Thanks for the advice on here.

A good marriage is "easy." A bad marriage is holy hell. You have CHOSEN a bad marriage. My marriage is very easy, because it comes easy when you are in love. Dr Harley and Joyce will tell you that their marriage is easy. BAD MARRIAGES are hard. That is why you think marriage is hard. It doesn't have to be.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by ndpokerguy
Update:
Wife and other guy have severed all communication outside of work. When they communicate at work it is in a group meeting. They both admitted it went too far. I got to do a Q&A session and had all my questions answered, what seemed honestly to me, and had a great talk with my wife. Wife wants to rebuild our marriage but says she needs to take small steps.

Translation: They shined me on and I bought their story. Wife is making nice to get me to back off. And I am turning over the marriage recovery plan to my WW, who knows better than me or the MB Board members how to recover our marriage from an affair. I'm abandoning my best hope to save our marriage because Plan A is too scary.

I know this is going to be a battle. But I am working on being better for her and to meet her needs again. Both said they only kissed a few times. They mostly just talked and listened to each other's issues. They both expressed a deep desire to keep their jobs and for me to not go to their employer. I guess if I find out they lied and its continuing, it would be an easy trump card to play.

Translation: They downplayed the extent of the affair and I believed them. Their deep desires to keep their jobs matter more than me saving my family from the affair. I will give them time to spin a story that I'm a nutjob making false accusations, so that if/when I DO expose, nobody will believe me.

I know its going to be a long road ahead, but it is definitely one I will travel.
Most advice I got from friends and family was that marriage is supposed to be easy. I completely disagree. If it was easy, everyone would be doing it. I guess that's why there is a 50% divorce rate. Marriage is hard and a battle. Love is wanting to go through that battle just for your significant other. The more I thought about this the more I realized, I do not know a single marriage that has been "easy". Thanks for the advice on here.

Translation: I'll be back in a few months and maybe then I'll ask for help with Plan A. Meanwhile, the OM's BW has no idea why her husband is behaving so squirrelly and she may be searching her soul for ways she can improve her marriage because she doesn't know the truth about her own life.

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Sir.....

You have willingly allowed yourself to be manipulated to the Nth degree.

"They Only Kissed A Few Times"

Hogwash!!! After the first kiss, all walls fell down.

Yet, you believe "Their" Story.

There is a saying on All of the marriage and infidelity forums, which goes:

"Believe NOTHING A Wayward Says And Only Half Of What The Show And Do"

Why is that mantra so common?

Because it is always true.

Like Melody Lane stated, your marital recovery is Hopeless...... Unless you do the Very First Step, which is to blow this affair apart immediately.

That includes the poor, unknowing other Betrayed Spouse, their top executives and Hung mailmessage Resources at their work, and ALL other Friends And Family that could have the opportunity to confront them on breaking up TWO Families and provide the support you so desperately need at this time.

Please Follow The Plan designed by Dr. Harley with 40 Years of experience, rather than the plan that the two cheating accomplices have decided on.

Is her job worth more than your marriage?

LTL

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Originally Posted by ndpokerguy
I have knowledge my wife has been having an affair with a guy at the same company who is 20 years older than her. He has a wife and 3 kids (off to college). I have read the texts and how they are in love. We have a young baby together. I am looking at exposing this affair. But who do I go to?
If I go to him, I would ask to meet in a public place just for a talk. See what information he would give me. And ask him to stop the affair. Tell him my wife doesn't have to know for her protection. He has told my wife that he wants to try and work it out with his wife, yet they still meet secretly. He has a lot to lose if this gets exposed.
If i go to her: I have asked her recently if there was someone else and she flat out said no and to trust her. Would I be disrespecting her by going to him over her?
I know things could get bad, I am planning for the worse but would like to end this affair as quickly and smoothly as possible. Neither one can have this getting out to their bosses.

So who would you go to first?

How do you really know for SURE? Have you snooped on her phone, or have other positive sources? How did you get access to her phone, if you did snoop on it, and did she know?

I'm in a position that I really need to know some answers about my wife's situation, but have absolutely nothing to go on at this point in time� not sure what to do next.

And will follow this to see what you do.


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Tom, he read their texts so he has been aware of their affair for some time. They still work together but call their affair "business contact" so, of course the affair is still active.

If you want to know if your wife is having an affair, then you should put spyware on her cell phone, or on any other resource she might use to conduct an affair. Another method is to put a voice activated recorder in her car.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Expose to OM wife: IGNORED

Affairees must implement NC, meaning if they work together, one must leave: IGNORED.

You are on the train tracks, and are going to get slammed. Again.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
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And shame on you for keeping another BS in the dark.

You have become a partner in the crime of what is being done to harm her and her family. She is being NO opportunity to protect herself or her marriage.

It truly makes me cringe to see a BS behave this way.



Ddays 2007 and 2011
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We need to start a "Told ya so" thread of all the folks who ignore our advice and come back and say...."You were right and I was wrong." And are looking for "emergency" advice bc the WS is moving out or is talking divorce.

What they don't realize is that they already are in an emergency situation and any deviations from the MB plan when there is an affair (even a potential affair) usually has DISASTROUS results (Dr Harley's own words).

There have been hundreds such cases since I started posting here and maybe it would help to get through posters such as pokerguy.

Sigh.


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Originally Posted by SusieQ
And shame on you for keeping another BS in the dark.

You have become a partner in the crime of what is being done to harm her and her family. She is being NO opportunity to protect herself or her marriage.

It truly makes me cringe to see a BS behave this way.

x2

This poor woman is a victim in the most atrocious way. As her husband is at home, belittling her, rewriting history and telling her how horrible she is, comparing her unfairly to his new mistress who doesn't have to wash his dirty underwear or clean the toilets, she is spinning her wheels trying to figure out just where SHE is going wrong. How would you feel if YOU were the one in the dark because everyone was keeping it a secret from you?

Its very unkind, uncaring, inconsiderate, selfish behavior.




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I can't believe you haven't told the OM's BW. How would you feel if someone knew and purposely wasn't telling you??

Please think of this poor BW.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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