Other woman is best friend - 10/20/15 07:40 PM
Hi There...
I have been on here several times and searched but I can not seem to find any information on how to handle the other woman when she is someone you know and that was a regular part of your life.
I've recently found out my husband had an emotional affair with my best friend.
I've read "how an affair should end" and as suggested, my husband told the woman never to contact him again bc he loves me & his kids but...that seems a means to an end if it was a woman I didn't know.
I'm not supposed to confront my "friend"? Or how do I get closure from this angle of the affair?
This woman has been my friend for over 20 years (since we were in grade school together) and I trusted her enough to include her in my will as my kids' legal guardian (which is now being changed).
Others had told me about this woman's pattern/history of attention seeking behaviour & cheating over the years but she would not act this way around me so I found it hard to believe and I would come to her defence and conclude she was being mis-judged. I was a foolishly blind and loyal friend and now I see she could spin a story so well you could almost believe anything she said. Until a couple of years ago when I started seeing her "true" behaviour for what it really was - malicious and selfish. She started using social media to cheat on her husband, was texting several men behind his back for attention, would act as if she was single and basically show no barriers or respect for her marraige or anyone else's. So about a year ago I voiced my concerns as a friend to her that I thought she was wandering down a destructive road and wanted to help. She got angry & didn't want my help so I left it alone and carried on with life since it wasn't really my business etc....until recently...
My husband & I went through the worst year of our lives...death of a close family member on my side of the family, I had a workplace injury requiring medical treatment, etc etc....needless to say we were not at our best and I was grieving while trying to work through my injury...I was overwhelmed, moody and emotional.
My husband texted my best friend to ask for advice and she took it upon herself to try and replace me as his wife. She started texting him every day about work and his daily activities all while under the guise of being a "caring, good friend" and pretending to want to know how I was doing, how my treatment was going etc etc...AND played the victim herself by making my husband think I had cut off contact and was isolating her (which was untrue). She would ask me the same questions and then go and ask my husband the same questions too...all while gaining his sympathy since she was just trying to be a good friend and I was "rejecting" her. So my husband should have been smarter but he wasn't and he allowed the conversations to continue on a daily basis without my knowledge or even asking for my point of view.
I caught on in Jan - confronted them both and they both lied and said they had not been in contact with each other, made me feel foolish for thinking such a thing etc. etc. so i gave them benefit of the doubt but then in July I found a surmountable amount of evidence on phone bill showing her # constantly being sent text messages...I confronted again and this time my husband admitted "talking" to her. They stopped in Jan for a few months after they were caught and then started again at very end of May.
This time I followed the exposure guidelines of Dr. Harley and my husband has apologized, is embarrassed and humiliated and swears he wants our marriage and is truly sorry. And like I said, he messaged her never to contact him again and we are now working on repairing our marriage.
My "friend" on the other hand sent me a nasty test laughing in my face that "I didn't know what was going on in my own house" and "I should have been a better friend to her and supported her instead of judging her actions" (the actions I stated earlier that she did not want my help with), of course spinning it that she was just being a good friend and talking to my husband when he needed someone, that my husband went to her and I was going to end up all alone etc. etc. Basically a big "F you...you thought your life/marriage was so great and I showed you" type deal.
I did not respond. I was dumbfounded.
Obviously the friendship is over but I do not feel any closure. I feel like I didn't stick up for myself and I feel blind-sided that she was exactly how others said she was all these years when I was so blindly loyal to her. I can't believe I didn't see it before.
So do I write her a letter re: my feelings and send it to her as closure? Or do I let sleeping dogs lie? I know I need to focus on my marriage but how does one go about moving on when this woman was someone who was part of my regular life? Not just some random woman my husband had an affair with.
What steps do I take to get over my lost friendship?
I have been on here several times and searched but I can not seem to find any information on how to handle the other woman when she is someone you know and that was a regular part of your life.
I've recently found out my husband had an emotional affair with my best friend.
I've read "how an affair should end" and as suggested, my husband told the woman never to contact him again bc he loves me & his kids but...that seems a means to an end if it was a woman I didn't know.
I'm not supposed to confront my "friend"? Or how do I get closure from this angle of the affair?
This woman has been my friend for over 20 years (since we were in grade school together) and I trusted her enough to include her in my will as my kids' legal guardian (which is now being changed).
Others had told me about this woman's pattern/history of attention seeking behaviour & cheating over the years but she would not act this way around me so I found it hard to believe and I would come to her defence and conclude she was being mis-judged. I was a foolishly blind and loyal friend and now I see she could spin a story so well you could almost believe anything she said. Until a couple of years ago when I started seeing her "true" behaviour for what it really was - malicious and selfish. She started using social media to cheat on her husband, was texting several men behind his back for attention, would act as if she was single and basically show no barriers or respect for her marraige or anyone else's. So about a year ago I voiced my concerns as a friend to her that I thought she was wandering down a destructive road and wanted to help. She got angry & didn't want my help so I left it alone and carried on with life since it wasn't really my business etc....until recently...
My husband & I went through the worst year of our lives...death of a close family member on my side of the family, I had a workplace injury requiring medical treatment, etc etc....needless to say we were not at our best and I was grieving while trying to work through my injury...I was overwhelmed, moody and emotional.
My husband texted my best friend to ask for advice and she took it upon herself to try and replace me as his wife. She started texting him every day about work and his daily activities all while under the guise of being a "caring, good friend" and pretending to want to know how I was doing, how my treatment was going etc etc...AND played the victim herself by making my husband think I had cut off contact and was isolating her (which was untrue). She would ask me the same questions and then go and ask my husband the same questions too...all while gaining his sympathy since she was just trying to be a good friend and I was "rejecting" her. So my husband should have been smarter but he wasn't and he allowed the conversations to continue on a daily basis without my knowledge or even asking for my point of view.
I caught on in Jan - confronted them both and they both lied and said they had not been in contact with each other, made me feel foolish for thinking such a thing etc. etc. so i gave them benefit of the doubt but then in July I found a surmountable amount of evidence on phone bill showing her # constantly being sent text messages...I confronted again and this time my husband admitted "talking" to her. They stopped in Jan for a few months after they were caught and then started again at very end of May.
This time I followed the exposure guidelines of Dr. Harley and my husband has apologized, is embarrassed and humiliated and swears he wants our marriage and is truly sorry. And like I said, he messaged her never to contact him again and we are now working on repairing our marriage.
My "friend" on the other hand sent me a nasty test laughing in my face that "I didn't know what was going on in my own house" and "I should have been a better friend to her and supported her instead of judging her actions" (the actions I stated earlier that she did not want my help with), of course spinning it that she was just being a good friend and talking to my husband when he needed someone, that my husband went to her and I was going to end up all alone etc. etc. Basically a big "F you...you thought your life/marriage was so great and I showed you" type deal.
I did not respond. I was dumbfounded.
Obviously the friendship is over but I do not feel any closure. I feel like I didn't stick up for myself and I feel blind-sided that she was exactly how others said she was all these years when I was so blindly loyal to her. I can't believe I didn't see it before.
So do I write her a letter re: my feelings and send it to her as closure? Or do I let sleeping dogs lie? I know I need to focus on my marriage but how does one go about moving on when this woman was someone who was part of my regular life? Not just some random woman my husband had an affair with.
What steps do I take to get over my lost friendship?