Hi There...
I have been on here several times and searched but I can not seem to find any information on how to handle the other woman when she is someone you know and that was a regular part of your life.

I've recently found out my husband had an emotional affair with my best friend.

I've read "how an affair should end" and as suggested, my husband told the woman never to contact him again bc he loves me & his kids but...that seems a means to an end if it was a woman I didn't know.

I'm not supposed to confront my "friend"? Or how do I get closure from this angle of the affair?

This woman has been my friend for over 20 years (since we were in grade school together) and I trusted her enough to include her in my will as my kids' legal guardian (which is now being changed).

Others had told me about this woman's pattern/history of attention seeking behaviour & cheating over the years but she would not act this way around me so I found it hard to believe and I would come to her defence and conclude she was being mis-judged. I was a foolishly blind and loyal friend and now I see she could spin a story so well you could almost believe anything she said. Until a couple of years ago when I started seeing her "true" behaviour for what it really was - malicious and selfish. She started using social media to cheat on her husband, was texting several men behind his back for attention, would act as if she was single and basically show no barriers or respect for her marraige or anyone else's. So about a year ago I voiced my concerns as a friend to her that I thought she was wandering down a destructive road and wanted to help. She got angry & didn't want my help so I left it alone and carried on with life since it wasn't really my business etc....until recently...

My husband & I went through the worst year of our lives...death of a close family member on my side of the family, I had a workplace injury requiring medical treatment, etc etc....needless to say we were not at our best and I was grieving while trying to work through my injury...I was overwhelmed, moody and emotional.

My husband texted my best friend to ask for advice and she took it upon herself to try and replace me as his wife. She started texting him every day about work and his daily activities all while under the guise of being a "caring, good friend" and pretending to want to know how I was doing, how my treatment was going etc etc...AND played the victim herself by making my husband think I had cut off contact and was isolating her (which was untrue). She would ask me the same questions and then go and ask my husband the same questions too...all while gaining his sympathy since she was just trying to be a good friend and I was "rejecting" her. So my husband should have been smarter but he wasn't and he allowed the conversations to continue on a daily basis without my knowledge or even asking for my point of view.

I caught on in Jan - confronted them both and they both lied and said they had not been in contact with each other, made me feel foolish for thinking such a thing etc. etc. so i gave them benefit of the doubt but then in July I found a surmountable amount of evidence on phone bill showing her # constantly being sent text messages...I confronted again and this time my husband admitted "talking" to her. They stopped in Jan for a few months after they were caught and then started again at very end of May.

This time I followed the exposure guidelines of Dr. Harley and my husband has apologized, is embarrassed and humiliated and swears he wants our marriage and is truly sorry. And like I said, he messaged her never to contact him again and we are now working on repairing our marriage.

My "friend" on the other hand sent me a nasty test laughing in my face that "I didn't know what was going on in my own house" and "I should have been a better friend to her and supported her instead of judging her actions" (the actions I stated earlier that she did not want my help with), of course spinning it that she was just being a good friend and talking to my husband when he needed someone, that my husband went to her and I was going to end up all alone etc. etc. Basically a big "F you...you thought your life/marriage was so great and I showed you" type deal.

I did not respond. I was dumbfounded.

Obviously the friendship is over but I do not feel any closure. I feel like I didn't stick up for myself and I feel blind-sided that she was exactly how others said she was all these years when I was so blindly loyal to her. I can't believe I didn't see it before.

So do I write her a letter re: my feelings and send it to her as closure? Or do I let sleeping dogs lie? I know I need to focus on my marriage but how does one go about moving on when this woman was someone who was part of my regular life? Not just some random woman my husband had an affair with.

What steps do I take to get over my lost friendship?

Dr. Harley doesn't advise women to confront the OW -- it will just lead to a fight that will not make you feel better in the end.

Let her eat static. One of my favorite sayings is "How beautiful to stay silent when someone expects you to be enraged." It fits here. Don't give her the enjoyment of seeing you enraged and wounded. Silence will be the deafening blow.

To get "closure," you need to get this woman totally out of your life. Change your phone number and emails so that she can no longer contact you.

Does she live close? If so, you may need to move for the sake of your marriage.

You will start to feel better once she is out of your life for good, and your marriage is healing.

Could you tell us what has been done on this list? And what is left to do?

Did you expose on her side?

Thanks for the feedback...much appreciated.

Almost all on the list has been completed...with the exception of job change / relocation & overnight separation.

We are working on those items as my husband is out of town for work a lot with a crew of men. He has been asking to come home in evenings instead of staying away and has been fairly successful with that. But we are working on resume etc. anyway.

My husband has agreed to the POJA, Radical Honesty and all the other concepts Dr. Harley recommends. I have access to all email / phone / bank account etc bc it's all joint. We normally do & always have spent all of our leisure time together but we are more focused than ever on making sure that time is truly for us (undivided attention) and not doing things like errands etc.

Yes...I did expose to family, friends etc and on her side as well. Her husband defended her at first (she spun the "I was just being a good friend and that she is just being jealous" story) ... then when I gave him the actual concrete info about # of texts, time frame etc. then he was enraged! I don't think this helps too much as she is not happy in her marriage and has no respect for her husband anyway so him being upset won't deter her.

I think your advice is right to be silent...it just drives me crazy she feels she has accomplished something and that she will not know I have changed her as my kids legal guardian. She will always think she is connected to my life even though she no longer will be. I can't even look at my wedding photos or childhood photos because she has been part of everything I've done in my life and her arrogance boils my blood. She knew the issues I was having (death, injury etc) and she took total advantage. I feel soooo foolish for not seeing her true colours sooner.

Plus we have mutual friends that I now realize I will likely have to give up. They too have been life long friends and are disgusted with her behaviour but I know they will remain friends with her.

Keep in mind that your marriage is not safe until you are no longer separated overnight. This needs to be your highest priority right now.

You did not mention ... Does she live close?

Photoshop!

Thank you...yes avoiding overnight separation is our highest priority right now!

Photoshop...I love it! Great idea!

She does live in the same city but not close enough to run into her. The only time we ever saw her is when I made concrete plans to meet / get together (Christmas, Girls Dinners etc). And even those physical meet-ups were few and far between because we just couldn't get our schedules to match. My kids are quite a few years older than hers so they don't go to same school and are not in sports groups together or same recreational stuff at all. Once we both were married with kids it was harder & harder to get together so a lot of our communication/keeping in touch was verbal (phone), or text or facebook etc. in between our physical get together's.

But... I realize being in same city, even with it being a remote possibility of them bumping into each other, still poses a risk and my husband & I are in current discussions about relocating at a better financial time (as I said...I had a workplace injury).

Thank you for the advice...I appreciate it and will take it. I will not contact her and I will continue to focus on the other points we discussed with my husband.

One last question...do you think it is appropriate for the lawyer to send her a letter informing her she is no longer guardian? Or just leave it alone?

Besides the various extraordinary precautions and making sure you are getting UA time with your husband and insuring this time is enjoyable...time will pass and your feeling of anger and disappointment in your so called friend will have less and less of an affect you.

It is not necessary to inform this person she is no longer guardian. It's a legal matter for yourselves and none of her business. You've already given away or she has taken too much power from you. Her whole game was abusive and all about 'power over' you...not about your husband...and giving her notice would not be a slam that would satisfy you. It would say she still has a certain amount of value (negative or positive, does not matter) to you that you want to keep engaging with her.

So yes radio silence reads you have nothing left for her. You don't have to do the leg work as the vindicator. Have trust in whatever higher power you believe in to give your 'friend' the special lesson in life she has yet to master! Competition is over as far as you are concerned. All your attention is now on yourselves and building a whole new marriage from the ground up.

Just quietly rework the will and remove her as guardian. Notifying her that she is no longer guardian only invites her to contact you, and it's not going to even hurt her.

Just quietly shut the door on her.

Being in the same city and living in the same home also poses a risk of keeping you triggered to think of the affair. Even couples where the waywards do not live in the same city benefit from moving because of this.

Thank you...
You have all been very helpful & wise.
I appreciate the perspective & will take the advice!
Silence it is...photoshop & new home in the future!
Take Care.

You asked how to get closure. No contact is an excellent way to get closure. Maybe you want something to compensate for the betrayl of a friend, but now that you have seen her real face, yuo know she has nothing to offer. Nothing she can say or do will undo what she has done to you and contact will only hurt you.

Living close to an affair partner makes it easy to slip when your husband has a weak moment. Make sure extraordinary precautions are in place, not only for now, but also in the future. Withdrawl is a ugly thing and it can pop its nasty head up when you don't expect it.

Did you expose to OW's BH?

Did your WH write a NC letter and you send it?

Also here is a good read. Husband's Affair with my Sister