Hi, I could use some advice as my current situation has my head in spin.

My wife and I have been married for 10 years with two young children. About a year ago we were going through a rough patch which reached a head when she suggested either trying a seperation or an open relationship. I was against both options however we talked things through and for a while our marriage was good again.

However we have hit a wall again. Sex has been rare my advances being rejected to such an extent i admit i have given up trying.

I was aware that my wife had a male friend at work however I did not realise how 'friendly' they were until i started working there. Constantly chatting and hugs etc (cant remember the last time she gave me a hug). Now i have never been the jealous type but this behaviour did start to annoy me even though she assures me nothing physical is going on.

Anyway it reached a head a couple of days ago. There was a works get together which my wife attended but i didnt. There was quite a bit of alcohol consumed.

When my wife returned home she said 'i will show you the picture before someone else does, but dont worry we were only posing for the camera and he has a girlfriend' ...so anyway the picture was of them kissing.

I didnt jump to any conclusions that night however the next day she refused to speak to me until the evening when the subject of a two month seperation was brought up by her so she could 'get her head together'.

So over the last day or so I have been trying to curb my anger and feelings of betrayal again.

I am afraid i am starting to become paranoid ... especially about her male 'friend'

So i will try and explain.

I am almost certain they are having at least an emotional affair.

They see each other daily. They are very close at work (even being called the married couple - until i started)

They also have some contact outside of work text/email etc and apparently occasionally some drinks after work ( which i only found out about yesterday)

Then i looked back at the events leading up to the works get together.

New clothes (fair enough)
New underwear ...hmmmm
Quite radical lady grooming (which she has never done before and didnt tell me about. I wouldnt have known unless I walked in on her getting ready.
Nearly a full day of getting 'ready' for the night out.

Now this was a social work gathering and quite low key...nothing posh.

Am i being paranoid about their relationship?

Is it normal to feel this level of anger and betrayal?

Help please

Gandalf,

I am sorry for what has brought you here. It is obvious to us your wife is having an affair, emotional for sure, most likely physical.

If you love your wife and want to save your marriage you need a plan to nip this in the bud and get your marriage on track. The veterans will be here shortly to provide you exact details and help you with your plan. Meanwhile please read everything you can on this site. Dr. Harley is an expert at saving marriages especially when infidelity is present.

Don't do anything until you have a plan that this site will help you put into place. This plan will help you end the affair and help you to recover your marriage. Recovery is done by creating an environment where your wife will fall back in love with you.

Hello Gandalf, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. It is obvious your wife is having an affair and that is why she wanted to leave you a year ago.

The troubling thing here is that instead of asking your wife to stop her grossly inappropriate, marriage wrecking behavior, you are more focused on "trying to curb" your rational feelings of betrayal. Paranoia is defined as an "unreasonable" or "irrational" feeling that someone is out to harm you. Your feelings are not irrational at all. Your wife IS betraying you and doing so right in your face.

I don't understand what kind of a husband would tolerate this. Your complacent approach reflects a lack of caring. Can you explain your complacence?

Hi, Gandalf. Any husband would be paranoid if their wife had a male friend. That is marriage-wrecking behavior. Except it is not "paranoia" when it's not irrational.

What you are describing is an affair. There's no uncertainty about it. It's not that they "might" be having an affair. What you are describing IS an affair, even if there's no more hidden truth about it. But I'm certain there is more that you don't know about.

Do you want to stay married to your wife? The information Dr. Harley provides on this site can give you the best chance to stop the affair and to recover a marriage where you are both faithful and in love with each other. It's your choice, of course; nobody is compelled to stay married when they have been betrayed in this way.

Gandalf, as a victim of an affair, you will benefit from viewing this video from Dr. Harley:

Thanks for the responses and advice.

Well she came in from work today as if nothing was wrong. I had to go out...my head is in pieces.

How can she act as if nothing has happened?

I need to be rational and calm ... sonething that appears a million miles away at the moment.

I dont remember feeling this tired before. Drained.

What do you want to do now? Do you want to try and save your marriage?

Whether or not you want to save it, the affair needs to be exposed. You need to plan carefully to do this effectively. Read the link in the signature of one of the posters who advised you - MelodyLane.

Would love to keep more coming - please read and respond to what we've said so we can do that. We can walk you through the path to recovery.

Well the exposure is rocky.

Of course denial denial denial.

She said she was leaving but only staying because she didnt want me to wreck the 'innocent' guys life....hmmm

This innocent bloke who didnt even have the decency to apologise for kissing my wife...even if it was for camera.

I dont know she doesnt seem to get that an affair doesnt have to be physical.

For example i brought up the hugging. She says she hugs a lot of people.

Now in my opinion there
is a big differnece between a normal hug and one where my wife has to reach up to put her arm around him and then lays her head on his shoulder...to me thats an intimate hug.

So she has said she is leaving multiple times. I have put my foot down and said if you leave (even to stay with friend) then she does not come back. I repeated that this is the family home. If she wants to be part of the family she is welcome to stay. She is still here.

I confronted her about the picture of a kiss...she maintained it was innocent and for the camera. So i said what would this guys other half say if she say this picture....her response was 'go mad'

God its been painful and the denial is still there...oddly enough the only tears came from her when i painted the cold hard truth about the financial implications.

She didnt even cry when i said i would fight till the end over and over again for custody of the kids.

Maybe the signs are there but i just cant read them yet.

I do apologise i am not a stupid person but this whole thing has me fried.

On a plus side it does feel like i am finally starting to take some control back.


I should also add that the biggest reaction was when i said i was going to expose it at work. I even explained that i wasnt going to expose the 'affair' but i was going going to expose the innapropriate hugging and flirting...that did not go down well

Also i apologise for spelling and grammar....5 hours sleep in nearly 48 hours

I don't understand. To whom have you exposed?

It sounds as if you have confronted her about the affair - but that is not exposure. She already knows she is having the affair. The purpose of exposure is reveal the affair to people who do not already know about it, such as the employers, and crucially, this man's wife.

What do you know about his marital status? Do you know his wife's name, and do you have a secure means of contacting her - which means a way that her husband cannot intercept?

In my post above, I told you to read the Exposure thread in MelodyLane's signature, because exposure needs careful planning for it to be effective. It sounds to me as if you have acted impulsively without reading the thread, and confronted your wife, and tipped your hand that you intend to expose at her workplace.

That was poor judgement, and not what we told you to do. Now she can get her version in first with her employers, explaining to them that her wacky husband thinks she is having an affair because she wants to leave him, and that he has gone off his rocker and is making up stories about her and her colleague.

You need to calm down, read what you've been told to read, and follow the plans that Marriage Builders offers you.

Sorry i exposed my wife to the affair.

Its late here so its not practical to expose it to everyone

You can't "expose" something to someone who already knows about it.

Your wife already knows she is having the affair. You cannot expose to her. The thread by MelodyLane that I asked you to read does not say that you need to expose to the spouse who is having the affair. Did you read the thread?

It seems as if you are not going to listen, read, and follow the MB plan.

Nobody said that you "expose it to everyone", either, and nobody said that exposure has to be done this minute. In fact, I said that exposure needs to be planned.

Sorry but im new to this personal armageddon

Exposure never seems "practical", but it is the only way to shine the light of day on the affair. Do you want your marriage? If you do, you need to stop entertaining the same flawed reasoning that landed you in this mess to start with. Don't analyze. Just expose. Follow the link in MelodyLane's signature and you will find precise instructions on what you need to do.

I did probably start before a clear plan was in place.

Yes i would like to save my marriage.


But i had to start something

We understand. We get several people new to this same armageddon every week here. They are usually in a shocked state and have no idea what to do.

The good news is we aren't new to this. Most of us have been through it ourselves, and plus we've been around here (for years, some of us) working Dr. Harley's plans, studying his books and articles and radio show, and helping others work the plans as well.

So you are in the right place - you have lots of great guides here who can help you. Take a look at MelodyLane's posts - notice that it shows when she joined this forum and how many times she's posted. She's been here doing this for years and knows very well what works and what doesn't. Other people posting to you are similarly knowledgeable. And of course Dr. Harley has been specializing in helping marriages survive infidelity for something like 40 years.

Gandalf, I recommend that you re-read this entire thread and make a todo list of the suggestions that have been given to you, and then start working down the list. For example, your todo list should include viewing the video by Dr. Harley about infidelity, and your todo list should include reading MelodyLane's exposure thread. I see you talking about these subjects but I'm betting you haven't yet read that thread all the way through or watched that video. Right?

We can show you the way - don't skip over the suggestions.

Now you didn't read on this site to do that, did you?

Let me warn you - according to Dr. Harley, the path to surviving an affair is a very narrow path. Most marriages don't make it. If you want to make it, I suggest you read closely so you can follow the plan exactly. Here's what Dr. Harley says:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2002600#Post2002600

What we see here is when somebody shows up and realizes that there's some expert material from Dr. Harley here and they jump in and learn it and follow it closely, they usually come out very well. But when someone shows up following their instincts and doing whatever they think will work, their story usually ends in disaster.

Remember the scene in Lord of the Rings when Bilbo decides to get rid of the ring, then leaves, and Gandalf has to tell him sternly but kindly that "Bilbo, the Ring is still in your pocket"? We see that all the time here. Somebody says "Yes, I'm going to follow this plan" and then they post for two or three more days and we have to say "Friend, you aren't actually following the plan." For example, this thing about exposing to your wife - that's not part of the plan, so I wouldn't risk it. I would encourage you to learn the plan ASAP because if you just follow your assumptions they may not be correct.

They will be done tomorrow. Now i really need some sleep....on the couch/setee/sofa.

I will update tomorrow

Thanks for the help.

Unfortunately she still wants to seperate and point blank refuses to acknowledge any wrong doing.

I wanted to save the marriage she wants out.

So 17 years down the drain now i have to concentrate on the kids and how to keep us afloat financially.

Most successful marital recoveries start from the very point that you are at right now. This is normal. What separates the successes from the failures is the willingness of the betrayed spouse - you - to set aside their natural instinctive responses and use their intelligence to engage the problem and solve it.

I made loads of love units by fighting off my wife's affair partner. I didn't just give up, though I certainly felt like it. It was the hardest thing I have ever done.

This is a test - Does your wife mean enough to you to fight for her?

How do you fight for someone who doesnt want to be with you though?

Things may change in the next few days but im not holding my breath. Family and friends have been told and it looks pretty final at this stage

You use every opportunity to deposit love units and you avoid withdrawing love units. Expecting her to acknowledge fault and show contrition to you is going to withdraw love units from her love bank. Showing concern and accepting fault yourself deposits love units. Passively accepting her wish to terminate the marriage also withdraws love units, because it makes it look like you don't really care.

Who all did you expose to?

Who on OM's side did you expose to?

Did you follow the template in Exposure 101?

Gandalf,

Haven't been here for a long time, but just stopped by. I saw your post and had a few thoughts. You are right you cannot control her or her decisions, but you can control you and your decisions. I strongly recommend that you read some of the articles here. People are talking about "love units" and you don't understand what they are. People are talking about "meeting needs" and you don't know your wife's needs. Please read and you will begin to see there is a plan and a technique to achieving the plan all laid out here.

But there is something I want to say to you on a personal level. It is time you looked in the mirror and decide if you like who and what you see. If you detect things you would like to change, make plans to change and then do it. I'm not talking about my diet plan where I "plan to lose 20lbs", but never change my diet, and I don't weigh myself which means I have no goals nor would know if I met them. You need to be honest with yourself and get with it. I imply that you have children. If you do, take good care of them, spend time with them, and help them because what is going on is hurting them.

So, It is up to you. The information is here. The experience is here. AND you are here. So what is the plan...your call.

JL

**EDIT**

moderator's note: if you have an issue with posters, please notify the moderators and let us address it. Don't disrupt the thread by lecturing other posters. Any questions, please send me an email

champ,

I just sent you an email, but it bounced. Please email me at mizar.mb1@gmail.com

Mizar
forum moderator