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Joined: Aug 2016
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Gandalf Offline OP
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Thanks for the help.

Unfortunately she still wants to seperate and point blank refuses to acknowledge any wrong doing.

I wanted to save the marriage she wants out.

So 17 years down the drain now i have to concentrate on the kids and how to keep us afloat financially.

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Originally Posted By: Gandalf
Thanks for the help.

Unfortunately she still wants to seperate and point blank refuses to acknowledge any wrong doing.

I wanted to save the marriage she wants out.

So 17 years down the drain now i have to concentrate on the kids and how to keep us afloat financially.

Most successful marital recoveries start from the very point that you are at right now. This is normal. What separates the successes from the failures is the willingness of the betrayed spouse - you - to set aside their natural instinctive responses and use their intelligence to engage the problem and solve it.

I made loads of love units by fighting off my wife's affair partner. I didn't just give up, though I certainly felt like it. It was the hardest thing I have ever done.

This is a test - Does your wife mean enough to you to fight for her?


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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Gandalf Offline OP
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How do you fight for someone who doesnt want to be with you though?

Things may change in the next few days but im not holding my breath. Family and friends have been told and it looks pretty final at this stage

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Originally Posted By: Gandalf
How do you fight for someone who doesnt want to be with you though?
You use every opportunity to deposit love units and you avoid withdrawing love units. Expecting her to acknowledge fault and show contrition to you is going to withdraw love units from her love bank. Showing concern and accepting fault yourself deposits love units. Passively accepting her wish to terminate the marriage also withdraws love units, because it makes it look like you don't really care.


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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Originally Posted By: Gandalf
How do you fight for someone who doesnt want to be with you though?

Things may change in the next few days but im not holding my breath. Family and friends have been told and it looks pretty final at this stage

Who all did you expose to?

Who on OM's side did you expose to?

Did you follow the template in Exposure 101?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Gandalf,

Haven't been here for a long time, but just stopped by. I saw your post and had a few thoughts. You are right you cannot control her or her decisions, but you can control you and your decisions. I strongly recommend that you read some of the articles here. People are talking about "love units" and you don't understand what they are. People are talking about "meeting needs" and you don't know your wife's needs. Please read and you will begin to see there is a plan and a technique to achieving the plan all laid out here.

But there is something I want to say to you on a personal level. It is time you looked in the mirror and decide if you like who and what you see. If you detect things you would like to change, make plans to change and then do it. I'm not talking about my diet plan where I "plan to lose 20lbs", but never change my diet, and I don't weigh myself which means I have no goals nor would know if I met them. You need to be honest with yourself and get with it. I imply that you have children. If you do, take good care of them, spend time with them, and help them because what is going on is hurting them.

So, It is up to you. The information is here. The experience is here. AND you are here. So what is the plan...your call.

JL

#2886931 09/13/16 01:29 PM
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**EDIT**

moderator's note: if you have an issue with posters, please notify the moderators and let us address it. Don't disrupt the thread by lecturing other posters. Any questions, please send me an email

Last edited by Denali; 09/13/16 02:03 PM. Reason: TOS lecturing posters

BH 41
WS 38
M 18yrs
S 16
S 8
Recovery 2 yrs
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champ,

I just sent you an email, but it bounced. Please email me at mizar.mb1@gmail.com

Mizar
forum moderator

Last edited by Mizar; 09/15/16 11:30 AM.

mizar.mb1@gmail.com
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