An emotional affair and other problems... - 04/11/17 05:11 AM
Hi everyone,
This is my first post on the forums, though I have read 'Surviving an Affair'.
I've been married for almost four years now and am still in love with my husband, despite the fact that our marriage has been deteriorating for a while now.
It all started when he started a new job, almost exactly two years ago. He had been very unhappy in his previous job (which he was also in for just over two years), but it took him two years to apply for anything else. The new job was much better for him and he began doing very well in it almost immediately. I was thrilled for him.
He started making new friends at work and I was again, very happy for him. He joined a work trivia team, which met on Wednesay nights from about 6.30 - 9.30.
Then, at the beginning of 2016, he started playing 'Settlers of Catan' with a couple of friends from work, a girl and a guy. Usually this was on Friday nights, although sometimes it was on Saturdays. It didn't happen every week. I did find it a little weird that he never invite them over to our house to play with me as well, but he said it would give me time to mark (I am a teacher) or do housework. Sometimes he got home late because he had been drinking and needed to sober up before driving home.
He also stopped training and playing football as much as he used to. He said it was because of stress, because he was voted to be treasurer of the club in 2016 and that consumed a lot of his time.
Around April that year, I started to feel quite neglected by this behaviour. I thought that if I offered to play boardgames with him, he wouldn't feel the need to spend as much time with these two friends. I guess I was also starting to get worried by the admiration he expressed for this girl. I bought him a couple of games for his birthday and we did play together for a while, but he never invited his friends over, despite me suggesting it once or twice.
Then... a new bar opened in town and he started going to drinks with his work colleagues on Friday nights. He started getting home later and later. Once it was 3am. I was furious. I asked him to give up the drinks. The answer was 'no'. Then I asked him to only to only go every second week and spend every second Friday with me. Again 'no'. I did manage to get him to agree to text me when he was going to be home later than 11pm. Needless to say, he hasn't followed through on that.
It got so bad, that once his Dad, who lives 2hours away, came up for the weekend to help us look for a house to buy. My H still went out for drinks that night and got home so late that he didn't see his Dad till the next morning. Meanwhile, I had been left to clean the house and entertain his Dad when he arrived by myself.
Then... came Pokemon Go. He started playing this when it came out last year. At first it was a little here and there, but now it has become a full-blown addiction. He still goes to work, still goes to trivia night, still goes to Friday night drinks, but every other night, he plays Pokemon Go from between 2 - 5 hours. This often means he skips dinner.
Just over four weeks ago, he told me that he didn't think our marriage was working, that he wasn't able to be what I needed him to be, that he felt love for me but didn't always feel 'in love' with me. He also said he would understand if I wanted him to move into the spare room. I said that I didn't want that.
A few days later he revealed that he had 'feelings' for a girl he works with, but that nothing had happened between them. He said, 'She's done nothing wrong. She doesn't even know.' I guess I had suspected this for a while, but he had always denied that he felt anything for her. He always seemed so offended and saddened by my accusations, that I believed him.
I was so upset that I had to take three days off work and went to stay with a friend over the weekend.
When I got back, he said he wanted to try and work on things. He had already been thinking about going to a counsellor on his own and we both made seperate appointments to see the same counsellor.
We have since done so. His was only yesterday, my second one is tomorrow. She now wants to see us both together and he agreed, but when he got home, he said 'I'm still not sure if I'm ready for that.' He keeps asking me to be patient and to not place demands on him to change because 'He feels like I'm smothering him.'
I guess I'm not sure where to go from here. I've tried being affectionate and caring, I've tried gently asking him to give up one of the activities (Friday Night drinks) that caused him to develop this emotional attachment to OW in the first place. There was no compromise there. After he said I was smothering him, I pulled back and went away for the weekend for a second time. He wasn't entirely happy with that either, though he said he understood. But he also said 'I was hoping to spend time with you.'
It's very confusing. I feel like I am married to a child. I feel completely disrespected. I feel like our marriage looks exactly the way he wants it to. The counsellor says he has a problem with boundaries.
And yet... I know he is tearing himself apart with guilt over the way he is acting right now. He says he knows he is doing the wrong thing. I think that's why he's been pushing me away.
I know there is a good, responsible man in there somewhere. A man who used to adore me. I just don't know where he is gone or if I can get him back.
Help?
This is my first post on the forums, though I have read 'Surviving an Affair'.
I've been married for almost four years now and am still in love with my husband, despite the fact that our marriage has been deteriorating for a while now.
It all started when he started a new job, almost exactly two years ago. He had been very unhappy in his previous job (which he was also in for just over two years), but it took him two years to apply for anything else. The new job was much better for him and he began doing very well in it almost immediately. I was thrilled for him.
He started making new friends at work and I was again, very happy for him. He joined a work trivia team, which met on Wednesay nights from about 6.30 - 9.30.
Then, at the beginning of 2016, he started playing 'Settlers of Catan' with a couple of friends from work, a girl and a guy. Usually this was on Friday nights, although sometimes it was on Saturdays. It didn't happen every week. I did find it a little weird that he never invite them over to our house to play with me as well, but he said it would give me time to mark (I am a teacher) or do housework. Sometimes he got home late because he had been drinking and needed to sober up before driving home.
He also stopped training and playing football as much as he used to. He said it was because of stress, because he was voted to be treasurer of the club in 2016 and that consumed a lot of his time.
Around April that year, I started to feel quite neglected by this behaviour. I thought that if I offered to play boardgames with him, he wouldn't feel the need to spend as much time with these two friends. I guess I was also starting to get worried by the admiration he expressed for this girl. I bought him a couple of games for his birthday and we did play together for a while, but he never invited his friends over, despite me suggesting it once or twice.
Then... a new bar opened in town and he started going to drinks with his work colleagues on Friday nights. He started getting home later and later. Once it was 3am. I was furious. I asked him to give up the drinks. The answer was 'no'. Then I asked him to only to only go every second week and spend every second Friday with me. Again 'no'. I did manage to get him to agree to text me when he was going to be home later than 11pm. Needless to say, he hasn't followed through on that.
It got so bad, that once his Dad, who lives 2hours away, came up for the weekend to help us look for a house to buy. My H still went out for drinks that night and got home so late that he didn't see his Dad till the next morning. Meanwhile, I had been left to clean the house and entertain his Dad when he arrived by myself.
Then... came Pokemon Go. He started playing this when it came out last year. At first it was a little here and there, but now it has become a full-blown addiction. He still goes to work, still goes to trivia night, still goes to Friday night drinks, but every other night, he plays Pokemon Go from between 2 - 5 hours. This often means he skips dinner.
Just over four weeks ago, he told me that he didn't think our marriage was working, that he wasn't able to be what I needed him to be, that he felt love for me but didn't always feel 'in love' with me. He also said he would understand if I wanted him to move into the spare room. I said that I didn't want that.
A few days later he revealed that he had 'feelings' for a girl he works with, but that nothing had happened between them. He said, 'She's done nothing wrong. She doesn't even know.' I guess I had suspected this for a while, but he had always denied that he felt anything for her. He always seemed so offended and saddened by my accusations, that I believed him.
I was so upset that I had to take three days off work and went to stay with a friend over the weekend.
When I got back, he said he wanted to try and work on things. He had already been thinking about going to a counsellor on his own and we both made seperate appointments to see the same counsellor.
We have since done so. His was only yesterday, my second one is tomorrow. She now wants to see us both together and he agreed, but when he got home, he said 'I'm still not sure if I'm ready for that.' He keeps asking me to be patient and to not place demands on him to change because 'He feels like I'm smothering him.'
I guess I'm not sure where to go from here. I've tried being affectionate and caring, I've tried gently asking him to give up one of the activities (Friday Night drinks) that caused him to develop this emotional attachment to OW in the first place. There was no compromise there. After he said I was smothering him, I pulled back and went away for the weekend for a second time. He wasn't entirely happy with that either, though he said he understood. But he also said 'I was hoping to spend time with you.'
It's very confusing. I feel like I am married to a child. I feel completely disrespected. I feel like our marriage looks exactly the way he wants it to. The counsellor says he has a problem with boundaries.
And yet... I know he is tearing himself apart with guilt over the way he is acting right now. He says he knows he is doing the wrong thing. I think that's why he's been pushing me away.
I know there is a good, responsible man in there somewhere. A man who used to adore me. I just don't know where he is gone or if I can get him back.
Help?