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Relluhs Offline OP
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Hi everyone,

This is my first post on the forums, though I have read 'Surviving an Affair'.

I've been married for almost four years now and am still in love with my husband, despite the fact that our marriage has been deteriorating for a while now.

It all started when he started a new job, almost exactly two years ago. He had been very unhappy in his previous job (which he was also in for just over two years), but it took him two years to apply for anything else. The new job was much better for him and he began doing very well in it almost immediately. I was thrilled for him.

He started making new friends at work and I was again, very happy for him. He joined a work trivia team, which met on Wednesay nights from about 6.30 - 9.30.

Then, at the beginning of 2016, he started playing 'Settlers of Catan' with a couple of friends from work, a girl and a guy. Usually this was on Friday nights, although sometimes it was on Saturdays. It didn't happen every week. I did find it a little weird that he never invite them over to our house to play with me as well, but he said it would give me time to mark (I am a teacher) or do housework. Sometimes he got home late because he had been drinking and needed to sober up before driving home.

He also stopped training and playing football as much as he used to. He said it was because of stress, because he was voted to be treasurer of the club in 2016 and that consumed a lot of his time.

Around April that year, I started to feel quite neglected by this behaviour. I thought that if I offered to play boardgames with him, he wouldn't feel the need to spend as much time with these two friends. I guess I was also starting to get worried by the admiration he expressed for this girl. I bought him a couple of games for his birthday and we did play together for a while, but he never invited his friends over, despite me suggesting it once or twice.

Then... a new bar opened in town and he started going to drinks with his work colleagues on Friday nights. He started getting home later and later. Once it was 3am. I was furious. I asked him to give up the drinks. The answer was 'no'. Then I asked him to only to only go every second week and spend every second Friday with me. Again 'no'. I did manage to get him to agree to text me when he was going to be home later than 11pm. Needless to say, he hasn't followed through on that.

It got so bad, that once his Dad, who lives 2hours away, came up for the weekend to help us look for a house to buy. My H still went out for drinks that night and got home so late that he didn't see his Dad till the next morning. Meanwhile, I had been left to clean the house and entertain his Dad when he arrived by myself.

Then... came Pokemon Go. He started playing this when it came out last year. At first it was a little here and there, but now it has become a full-blown addiction. He still goes to work, still goes to trivia night, still goes to Friday night drinks, but every other night, he plays Pokemon Go from between 2 - 5 hours. This often means he skips dinner.

Just over four weeks ago, he told me that he didn't think our marriage was working, that he wasn't able to be what I needed him to be, that he felt love for me but didn't always feel 'in love' with me. He also said he would understand if I wanted him to move into the spare room. I said that I didn't want that.

A few days later he revealed that he had 'feelings' for a girl he works with, but that nothing had happened between them. He said, 'She's done nothing wrong. She doesn't even know.' I guess I had suspected this for a while, but he had always denied that he felt anything for her. He always seemed so offended and saddened by my accusations, that I believed him.

I was so upset that I had to take three days off work and went to stay with a friend over the weekend.

When I got back, he said he wanted to try and work on things. He had already been thinking about going to a counsellor on his own and we both made seperate appointments to see the same counsellor.

We have since done so. His was only yesterday, my second one is tomorrow. She now wants to see us both together and he agreed, but when he got home, he said 'I'm still not sure if I'm ready for that.' He keeps asking me to be patient and to not place demands on him to change because 'He feels like I'm smothering him.'

I guess I'm not sure where to go from here. I've tried being affectionate and caring, I've tried gently asking him to give up one of the activities (Friday Night drinks) that caused him to develop this emotional attachment to OW in the first place. There was no compromise there. After he said I was smothering him, I pulled back and went away for the weekend for a second time. He wasn't entirely happy with that either, though he said he understood. But he also said 'I was hoping to spend time with you.'

It's very confusing. I feel like I am married to a child. I feel completely disrespected. I feel like our marriage looks exactly the way he wants it to. The counsellor says he has a problem with boundaries.

And yet... I know he is tearing himself apart with guilt over the way he is acting right now. He says he knows he is doing the wrong thing. I think that's why he's been pushing me away.

I know there is a good, responsible man in there somewhere. A man who used to adore me. I just don't know where he is gone or if I can get him back.

Help?

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Hi Relluhs, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. It is very likely he is having an affair. Going to counseling will likely make this situation worse, not better, because counselors don't understand the dynamics of an affair. You have a very young marriage with no children and no great investment, so you really want to consider if it is worth saving. It sounds like your husband is completely checked out in this very young marriage.

Secondly, I would get spyware on his cell phone and a voice activated recorder in his car because it sounds like he is having an affair. I would not ask him, but quietly snoop around. Regardless of whether you want to try and save the marriage [a longshot] you do need to find out if he is having an affair.

And lastly, you were right to not agree to his moving into the guest room. This is an odd request by those having an affair. They move into the spare bedroom, pronounce themselves "separated" crazy and then carry on their affair. I consider it a form of insanity that comes with an affair because it makes no sense.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Quote:
I guess I was also starting to get worried by the admiration he expressed for this girl.

Trust your instincts. He's having an affair.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

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Welcome to MB. I am sorry to say that your WH is having an affair. You titled this thread 'emotional affair' but I would wager it is much more than that. He has behaved and talked in ways that are classic wayward, for instance, telling you he loves you but is not in love with you, wanting to separate by moving into the spare room... He also has ample opportunity to carry on a full blown physical affair.

As ML suggested, you need to find out the facts first. Do not confront him or ask him if he is having an affair, that is futile. He is not going to tell you the truth, that is something you need to find out for yourself.

I would get spyware on his phone and a VAR in his car asap. The sooner you get the facts, the better.

Again, as tempting as it is, do NOT confront him or talk to him about information you read on this site. Also, do NOT ask him if he is having an affair. Get spyware in place to get the facts. Can you do this?

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Originally Posted By: Relluhs
He keeps asking me to be patient and to not place demands on him to change because 'He feels like I'm smothering him.'


This is classic wayward speak for 'you are interfering with my affair. I want to carry on my affair without having to answer to you.'

He is asking you to be patient while he waits to see how the affair turns out. If it doesn't, he might want to keep you, so if you could just wait patiently that would be great puke

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Hi all,

Thank you for your replies. My apologies that it has taken me so long to update. This has been an incredibly painful time for me.

Last week I put a phone with a GPS app in his car. After going to a Volleyball game after work, he then headed straight for one address. He was there for an hour. At that time I decided to head over there to check out the address. It was a block of units. His car was parked outside one of the units. I could here a male and a female talking loudly and laughing inside. It made me sad because it's been a long time since my husband and I have laughed like that.

I knocked on the door. She answered. I've met her before (it was the same girl he admitted having feelings for). I said, "What is my husband doing here?" She didn't say anything, just scuttled to the side.

He came out and tried to calm me down. I was furious with him. He wanted to know how I had found him.

We ended up driving home and getting into a huge fight. He claimed that that was the first time they had been alone and that she had asked him over to discuss some problems he's been having with some girls at work. I'm sceptical that this is true. However, I ended up telling him about the phone.

We're still together, for now. However, my counsellor advised me to hire a Private Investigator so that I can know for sure either way.

I know that this is an expensive option, but I just don't think I have the emotional strength right now to carry out any further surveillance on my own.

He knows about the phone, so I can't use that. And there's no chance that I can get into his phone. He has one of those stupid iphones with a finger print passcode thing. He has avoided allowing me access to into it, even though I have asked him multiple times (yeah, I know, alarm bells!)

In some ways, it would be a relief if he was having an affair. Then I would have a good reason to divorce him and try to move on with my life while I'm still young enough to possibly have a chance of having children. I turn 28 this year.

On the other hand...if he is having an affair... I'll be heartbroken. Because the man I married four years ago would never have done this to me. But I have to keep reminding myself that the man I am married to now is not the same man. He's kind of a shell of his former self.

How sad.

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You never reveal how you found out. First mistake.
Second mistake to believe they just talked.

Young
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divorce him

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Originally Posted By: Relluhs
In some ways, it would be a relief if he was having an affair. Then I would have a good reason to divorce him and try to move on with my life while I'm still young enough to possibly have a chance of having children. I turn 28 this year.


Okay, I am really confused why you are still saying "if he is having an affair." You caught him at another woman's house, right? That IS an affair.

Let's pretend for a moment he's not having sex with the woman. This is still an emotional affair, which according to Psychology Today is just as damaging as a sexual affair. You're just as entitled to divorce for an emotional affair as for a sexual affair. It's not any the less an affair.

My wife would divorce me if she caught me at another woman's house. She would tell our entire extended family that I was unfaithful.

In fact, my wife would divorce me if she couldn't PROVE that I am NOT having an affair. In her view, the burden of proof is on me to prove I'm faithful.

Quote:
On the other hand...if he is having an affair... I'll be heartbroken.


This is what is really going on, isn't it? You have discovered that your husband is having an affair, and you are heartbroken. I am so sorry. But trying to tell yourself that this affair is not an affair is not going to help you. You are either going to need to divorce him promptly and start building a new happy life without him, or work to bust up this affair if you want to try recover your marriage. Right now you can actually take steps to try to make both of those paths possible so you can choose later. But what you don't want to do is freeze in paralysis and get into denial and try to soothe the heartbreak by telling yourself it's not happening - it's not good to deny the reality that is right in front of your eyes, and you will delay your change to walk down either of these good paths.

We want a happy ever after for you, either with a reformed former wayward husband who has sobered up from his affair and has made it up to you and will never do anything like this again, or without him. We don't want to see you freeze in denial because we know that's not going to lead to happiness.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I totally agree with markos. You need to expose this. Do you know who the OW is?


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Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: Relluhs
On the other hand...if he is having an affair... I'll be heartbroken.


Relluhs. Are you in denial? You just caught him red handed having an affair and you are saying "if he is having an affair." You have caught him. Further proof is the fact that he won't allow you into his phone. That is not how a spouse behaves unless they are hiding something.

I realize you are young, dear, but you need to accept that he is having an affair and act accordingly. This is not how a normal spouse behaves and it is certainly not how a betrayed spouse should behave. Your husband is a playah and will continue to behave as one as long as you enable him.

I would give him an ultimatum today: he ends his relationship with this woman TODAY [via letter approved by you], gives you full access to his phone TODAY [with no warning] and commits to a program of recovery. If not, he needs to move out TODAY. He is playing you and the longer you allow it, the less attractive you are and the more emotional damage he causes. Stop this today.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
I would give him an ultimatum today: he ends his relationship with this woman TODAY [via letter approved by you], gives you full access to his phone TODAY [with no warning] and commits to a program of recovery. If not, he needs to move out TODAY. He is playing you and the longer you allow it, the less attractive you are and the more emotional damage he causes. Stop this today.


Absolutely!


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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What are your plans?

We can help you here, but not if you deny reality and do not act more strategicly. Do you want help?

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Relluhs, I suggest you listen to the advice from the pros on this forum, they really know what they're talking about, and have helped thousands of betrayed spouses like you. They have helped me immensely.

How to identify a MB pro? The easiest clue is to look at the number of posts, if they have a thousand posts (or tens or hundreds of thousands), rest assured that these wonderful people know how to apply MB principles to give you the best chance at recovery.

Good luck & God bless.


BH (me) 50, WxW 47
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D-day, plan A, & exposure Jan 2017
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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Originally Posted By: Relluhs
On the other hand...if he is having an affair... I'll be heartbroken.


Relluhs. Are you in denial? You just caught him red handed having an affair and you are saying "if he is having an affair." You have caught him. Further proof is the fact that he won't allow you into his phone. That is not how a spouse behaves unless they are hiding something.

I realize you are young, dear, but you need to accept that he is having an affair and act accordingly. This is not how a normal spouse behaves and it is certainly not how a betrayed spouse should behave. Your husband is a playah and will continue to behave as one as long as you enable him.

I would give him an ultimatum today: he ends his relationship with this woman TODAY [via letter approved by you], gives you full access to his phone TODAY [with no warning] and commits to a program of recovery. If not, he needs to move out TODAY. He is playing you and the longer you allow it, the less attractive you are and the more emotional damage he causes. Stop this today.


Agree x 1000.

Relluhs, I had nothing but a list of phone calls to a number of a female coworker on my ex WH's phone bill that did not match up to what was on his phone (he had erased the texts). And he had been acting distant.

I did not read MB at that time and did not even know what an EA was but instinctually, I KNEW this was not acceptable to me. There was no possibility for my ex WH to deny anything because I TOLD him what he was doing was unacceptable.

Please follow ML's advice.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B

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