Husband is having an affair and left home - Marriage Builders® Forums

Hello,

I'm new here. My husband and I have been together 21 years and we have four kids together. The last year of our marriage has not been the best and we have become more like roommates rather than husband and wife. In April, he decided to tell me that he loved me but was no longer in love with me. He went to stay at his sisters for a few weeks to decide what he wanted. What I didn't know was he met a coworker and I caught them at a hotel together in May. He came back twice saying he wasn't ready to throw in the towel yet and then he would start talking to her and put his wall up again. Since the end of May, he has been staying at his sisters and we are no longer speaking. I asked him if he would be willing to put a decision on divorce on hold for six months and he said yes because whenever I do ask him what he wants, he always says he doesn't know what he wants. I'm doing my best to pray for our marriage. My struggle is how to do I hold onto hope that our marriage will be saved, but move on with my own life at the same time?

So sorry to hear about your situation that brought you here, it really sucks.

Be sure to take the best care for yourself and children during this time. What are their ages?

Hi Shnn18, welcome to Marriage Builders. I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but you have come to the best place for help. Are you familiar with Marriage Builders or Dr. Bill Harley? He is the leading expert on infidelity. His Marriage Builders program offers you the best chance to not only survive the affair, but to rekindle the romantic love in your marriage, and have a better marriage than ever. Many of us have experienced the pain and emotional rollercoaster on learning of an affair in our own marriages, but I guarantee you that the vets on this forum will offer you the best advice available anywhere...Dr. Harley's methods and advice.

One of the vets will be along soon to help you, but I'll offer a few suggestions for you to start.

I highly recommend the following 30m video by Dr. Harley called "Infidelity: What Every Couple Should Know"
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi1001_infidelity0.html

Dr. Harley's book, "Surviving an Affair", is highly recommended. A lot of the same material is available free on the website in the "How to Survive Infidelity" section:
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

The Marriage Builders Basic Concepts is a good place to learn about the MB concepts like the love bank, emotional needs, love busters, etc:
https://www.marriagebuilders.com//graphic/mbi3000_intro.html

Many of us use acronyms/abbreviations that might not be familiar (BS, WS, AO, OW, etc.). Keep this link handy if you need to look them up:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u.../acronyms-abbreviations.html#Post1984040

Lastly, the vets on the SAA forum are the best, and they've seen situations like yours thousands of times. Vets like MelodyLane, SugarCane, indiegirl, SusieQ, BrainHurts...they'll provide you the best help available anywhere!

Is the OW married? Have you found her on social media? Have you read the exposure thread?

Hello Shnn, Welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. Your husband has left to pursue an affair. But this can be saved if you take some very bold steps against the affair. What do you know about the OW? Is she married? Who all knows about this affair?

My girls are 19 & 14 and my boys are 8 & 9.

My husband is 47 and she is 36. I know that they work in a factory and he is her boss. She was married for five years and is divorced with two kids. When I caught them at the hotel, I posted about him cheating on facebook and tagged him in it. I sent an email to his boss also. His company was going to move him to another shift and then decided against it at the last minute. Right now, him and I have decided to separate for six months and work on "ourselves", which is what I told him. I have not been having any contact with him, other than if I see him when he picks up the kids.

Shnn, do your children know of this affair?

The only other thing I would suggest you do is expose the affair to the OW's family and friends. You did the right thing in exposing it at work. Please read the links that arbrra posted too.

I agree it is a good plan to separate at this point.

My husband and I have verbally agreed to separate for six months. I know he is continuing his affair during this time. I'm wondering if I should email him a follow up letter outlining the terms of our separation. I want to let him know that I will not tolerate another woman in our marriage and that we are to have no contact. How would I start such a letter? Is it a good idea?

Yes, sending him a letter is a good idea. But staying in touch with him [seeing him during child transfers, communicating in any manner, allowing the children around his affair partner] is a very bad idea. Dr Harley, the founder of Marriage Builders recommends Plan B, which is a totallly dark separation where all necessary, pertinent information is transmitted through an intermediary of your choice. He should not be allowed in your home and should not be able to contact you directly.

There is an important reason for this. Staying in touch with him is dangerous to your mental health. Women have nervous breakdowns and suffer years of post traumatic stress disorders from such toxic situations. If you shut that door tightly you will find an amazing difference in your emotional outlook.

Also, giving him access to you and your home makes him feel he has you safely waiting on the sidelines while he conducts his affair. In other words, he is fully in control..

I would also remove the "6 month" timeline because that is just giving him permission to carry on an affair for 6 months. Rather, you should tell him he can have no contact whatsoever until he ends his affair, [leaving that job] and agrees to a program of recovery. Until that happens you will have no contact with him.

I would strongly recommend you hire an attorney and file for divorce - not to necessarily get divorced - but to get legal protection. You cannot count on financial and custodial support of a wayward and if you don't do this now, while he is fogged out, you may soon find yourself and your children competing for his income with the OW. Don't let that happen.

The goal here is to save your marriage, but you need to protect yourself and your children in the process.

This is a sample letter, but you need to first find an intermediary who will agree to be a point of communication and who will act as a SPAM FILTER, so to speak.

Sample Plan B letter, from SAA (revised edition) pages 77-78:

My Dearest __________,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair possible. I foolishly pursued my goals without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most and we are now both suffering for my mistake. [Add your willingness to address other complaints that the unfaithful spouse may have communicated prior to the affair.]

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship once and for all. Living with you under these conditions has been the most painful experience of my life, and I can no longer endure it.

Until your affair ends, and you are willing to follow a plan of reconciliation with me, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. Our friends, ________, have agreed to help make arrangements for you to see our children on schedule that is mutually convenient. They will provide transportation. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through them.

I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you th is way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship, and I simply cannot be with you any longer knowing that you are together. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently end your relationship, follow precautions to avoid absolutely any contact with the other person, and join me in a plan to restore our relationship, I will be wiling to discuss our future together with you.

I hope that we will be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new lifestyle together in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never be a reason for us to be separated. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you to be my best friend.

I cared for you when we married and I continue to care for you right up to this day. But I cannot be with you or help you as long as you are in this relationship.

With all my love,
(signed)

This letter should be delivered by your friends to the unfaithful spouse, and a copy sent to the lover with a note at the bottom saying:

I love ______ with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy. I will wait for that chance.

I have combined the threads so posters can follow it.

Well, I may have messed up because this is what I sent him:

We have agreed to separate for six months. I would like to outline the terms of that agreement so we are both fully aware of what to expect during this time. I have decided that I will not continue in a marriage while you are having an affair with Mary. I will not share my husband with another woman. Therefore, you and I are to have no contact with one another until you completely cut off all communication with Mary. If that happens, and you decide you would like to work on our marriage then please let me know at that time, but not before. I have also decided that if nothing changes at the end of this six months, then we will proceed with a divorce.
Below are the terms of our separation:
� No contact with one another unless it relates to the children, home or finances.
� We are free to date whomever we want with no repercussions of it being thrown in either of our faces if we choose to reconcile
� Visitation will be every other week from Saturday to Saturday during the summer. When the school year resumes, it will go to every other weekend and any other agreed upon days that may come up.
� During your weekly summer visitation, you will find your own childcare and no longer drop the children off at the house. This will give us a true sense of what divorce will really be like for us.
� You will take $125.00 a week for your own account and the rest of your check will go to bills and groceries. You will take $40.00 a week from the joint account to pay for gas for your vehicle.
� I will continue to pay all bills and ensure that there are no late payments on anything, so that we do not jeopardize losing our home during this trial separation.
� When you have the kids, you will use money out of our joint account for food or any needs that you may have for them while in your care.
� I will continue to take care of the home and work on improving the home.
� You will continue to maintain the lawn and the snow in the winter.
� I will continue to make sure the children have adequate clothing, food and any other necessities that they may need.
� A decision for divorce will not be made until after the six months is up. We will let the kids know we are not getting a divorce at this time, but we are taking a break from each other to work on ourselves. This should help calm some of their fears and uncertainties.

Please respond back if you are in agreement with this separation and these terms or if you would like anything added.

This is a not a good idea for several reasons. First off, your note is demanding and reflects you in a poor light. You don't want that to be his last impression of you before you go dark.

Quote

� No contact with one another unless it relates to the children, home or finances.

This is called open communication which completely defeats the purpose and assures him he still has open access to you while he conducts the affair.

Quote

We are free to date whomever we want with no repercussions of it being thrown in either of our faces if we choose to reconcile

I am sure you are kidding with this one, right? You can't exactly claim to object to HIS adultery when you are proposing it yourself. You are not a single person. Separated = MARRIED. Believe me, in some states this will be held against you in court.

Originally Posted by Shnn18

� I will continue to pay all bills and ensure that there are no late payments on anything, so that we do not jeopardize losing our home during this trial separation.
� When you have the kids, you will use money out of our joint account for food or any needs that you may have for them while in your care.

You pay all the bills? And where does he take the kids when he has them?

I have no intentions of dating anyone else. The purpose for that sentence is he is going to do as he pleases anyway, so if I take the thrill of the affair away from him then it is no longer forbidden, but rather a relationship that he has to deal with.

His check goes into our checking account and I have been in charge of the bills for our whole marriage, so when I say I will pay the bills it is utilizing both of our paychecks, minus the $125.00 for himself.

He is staying at his sister's house and takes the kids there. The problem is with him having them for a week, she does not want them left at her house so this week, he brings them to our house while he works and then picks them up after work. I want to put a stop to that and make him responsible for them in his care and he will need to find other child care or arrangements for them.

I also added to the letter that if we decide to get divorced then neither of us can use this agreement in court.

I didn't understand that no contact meant having to go through a third party. I will consider that further.

This letter is something that we both previously discussed on the phone, so what I did was just put it in writing so we both had a clear understanding of what we previously agreed too. I know I'm not any good at this right now. I'm still an emotional wreck and will have to turn my focus over to building up myself from here on out.

Originally Posted by Shnn18

I have no intentions of dating anyone else. The purpose for that sentence is he is going to do as he pleases anyway, so if I take the thrill of the affair away from him then it is no longer forbidden, but rather a relationship that he has to deal with.

You are basically giving him the green light to commit adultery, which is not the message you want to send.

Quote

� We are free to date whomever we want with no repercussions of it being thrown in either of our faces if we choose to reconcile

You should be objecting strenuously to his adultery, not condoning it. This is classic enabling. It just assures him you are not serious about the marriage.

Quote

His check goes into our checking account and I have been in charge of the bills for our whole marriage, so when I say I will pay the bills it is utilizing both of our paychecks, minus the $125.00 for himself.

I would strongly suggest you file for divorce because he will stop his check deposit. You cannot count on a fogged out wayward to continue to support you especially when YOU ARE COMPETING WITH THE OW FOR HIS INCOME. You do understand that you are in competition with his OW?

Quote

He is staying at his sister's house and takes the kids there. The problem is with him having them for a week, she does not want them left at her house so this week, he brings them to our house while he works and then picks them up after work. I want to put a stop to that and make him responsible for them in his care and he will need to find other child care or arrangements for them.

Is there a reason your kids are being dragged out of their home for a week? I am confused at how that is in their best interest? They can still visit their dad without having to be dragged away for a week.

Quote

I also added to the letter that if we decide to get divorced then neither of us can use this agreement in court.

Which means nothing. If you get divorced that will hurt you in court to be seen condoning adultery.

Quote

I didn't understand that no contact meant having to go through a third party. I will consider that further.

Do you have someone who can be an intermediary?

We can help you tighten this all up and make the separation much more effective, but I don't think your plan is good for anyone involved. Your separation plan pretty much gives him permission to commit adultery for 6 months. That is not a good strategic plan.

Originally Posted by Shnn18

This letter is something that we both previously discussed on the phone, so what I did was just put it in writing so we both had a clear understanding of what we previously agreed too. I know I'm not any good at this right now. I'm still an emotional wreck and will have to turn my focus over to building up myself from here on out.

I would certainly focus on building yourself up, but there is also alot you can do to ensure a better outcome for your marriage, your kids and your legal protection. As it stands, you have legal protection at all. Nor do you give him a path back to your marriage. You are simply giving him a ticket to leave for 6 months to have an affair.

Honestly, I have no funds to get any legal protection at this point. That's the only thing holding me back. I don't know how I would give him a path back to his marriage.

I guess my hope is that the affair will burn out on it's own. I've tried to get him to end the affair and all it has done is push him closer to her. I also told him that I have no intentions of dating. I love him and want nothing more than for our marriage to survive and be better than ever. I'm going to focus on the things that he shared with me that I did to cause problems in the marriage and I am going to strengthen myself in those areas. I told him that I can have no contact with him as long as he continues to be involved with the OW and that I added that line in the separation because he is going to do what he wants anyways. I told him that he is a grown man, but in no way to I agree or accept him being with another woman and until it stops he will not have any contact with me. I told him this six months is intended to test divorce and see if we can truly save our marriage.

Originally Posted by Shnn18

Honestly, I have no funds to get any legal protection at this point. That's the only thing holding me back. I don't know how I would give him a path back to his marriage.

You are not going to have funds to do anything very soon here when he stops his direct deposit. You need to call around and find an attorney who will help you file for divorce. The letter I posted gives him that path back. It also clearly states that you don't condone adultery.

My friend, you are not doing anything to defend your marriage and your finances. Essentially you are enabling a cheating husband. It is not a strategic move at all.

Originally Posted by Shnn18

I told him this six months is intended to test divorce and see if we can truly save our marriage.

The only thing that this separation will achieve is giving him the unbridled freedom to conduct his affair. You can't save a marriage by separating. You can only save a marriage if a)) he ends his affair and b) you have a plan for recovery. It is not logical to say that separation will save a marriage, it will not. It greatly increases your chance of divorce. That being said, when a WS won't end his affair, you have no great options other than to completely separate and protect yourself. That is where you are now.

What exactly do you mean by "testing divorce?"

Originally Posted by Shnn18

� We are free to date whomever we want with no repercussions of it being thrown in either of our faces if we choose to reconcile

Shnn, this is a terrible thing for a married person to say to her spouse. It reflects a lack of caring and a callousness towards the affair. I don't believe you are either. I think i can safely assume you are devastated about this affair and that should be articulated to your spouse. Your children should also be free to express their thoughts about his disgusting behavior. Are they being told this is acceptable?

My suggestion is to send him another letter once you find an intermediary and give him a message that is strategic and effective. For example, you leave him with a love letter showing him that you can build a great marriage with him if he will follow a plan. It also tells him how much his affair has hurt you. He needs to know that because I sure can't tell it from your comments.

I have done all the wrong things in the past in regards to the affair. I confronted them both at the hotel and almost got thrown in jail. I screamed and cried and have told him how much this affair has devastated me. I know I shouldn't have added that to the list, now that I look back at it, but I'm trying to break him out of the affair fog by no longer keeping it secret and exciting for him. Right now, it's all completely out of my control. I realize that we are headed towards divorce. He refuses to give up his affair, although he tries to lie and say he is not still talking to her but I know he is because the kids have seen the text messages. He will not go into counseling and does not have any interest in reconciling with me at this point. However, he won't file for divorce. He just keeps saying that he doesn't know what he wants.

My kids have openly told him how they feel about his affair and my oldest daughter will not talk to him. His family is convincing my youngest daughter that I was a bad wife and if I would've been a better wife then he wouldn't have done what he did. The kids have all been told that dad had to leave the home because he was having an affair and I would not tolerate it.

When I say testing divorce, I'm trying to show him what it would be like if we are not together. I don't have a lawn mower, so that is why he is cutting the grass. I plan to not have any interaction with him when he comes to cut the grass or pick up the kids. I currently stay inside when he shows up and will continue to do so.

Quote

I have done all the wrong things in the past in regards to the affair. I confronted them both at the hotel and almost got thrown in jail. I screamed and cried and have told him how much this affair has devastated me.

Can I ask how you would know if you did all the wrong things? What is your experience with infidelity? Who gave you these ideas? I am trying to understand how you came up with this plan because it resembles nothing I have ever seen to be effective.

Shnn18, this probably is no consolation right now, but your WH (wayward husband) is acting like a typical wayward, more about that below. Keep read and follow MelodyLane's advice, you've got the best in your corner!

Originally Posted by Shnn18

I have done all the wrong things in the past in regards to the affair. I confronted them both at the hotel and almost got thrown in jail. I screamed and cried and have told him how much this affair has devastated me.
I know I shouldn't have added that to the list, now that I look back at it, but I'm trying to break him out of the affair fog by no longer keeping it secret and exciting for him. Right now, it's all completely out of my control.

Unfortunately, as MelodyLane pointed out, this strategy won't work. In his wayward mind, he now has more time and opportunity to continue the affair. Don't beat yourself up about having "done all the wrong things" so far. You're on an emotional rollercoaster from his A, no one is prepared to deal with this kind of trauma. You need a plan to get through this, so just keep posting here, and MelodyLane and others will walk you through this. Dr. Harley recommends going on anti-depressants temporarily while you go through this. It will smooth out the emotional rollercoaster, at a time when you most need to be clear-headed, whether you choose to recover the marriage or divorce. Your doctor can prescribe them if you choose.

Quote

I realize that we are headed towards divorce. He refuses to give up his affair, although he tries to lie and say he is not still talking to her but I know he is because the kids have seen the text messages. He will not go into counseling and does not have any interest in reconciling with me at this point. However, he won't file for divorce. He just keeps saying that he doesn't know what he wants.

Typical wayward behavior. Many wayward husbands don't want a divorce but they don't want to give up the OW (other woman) either. We call them "cake eaters" as in "they want to have their cake and eat it, too". They like having two women to meet their ENs (emotional needs). For instance, you provide the EN of Family Commitment to his children. Your kids, especially the older ones, will be resentful of the OW so it would be difficult or impossible for her to provide Family Commitment to the kids. Before you discovered the A, you were still providing other ENs to him, along with the OW.

If you watched the 30m video I linked to earlier in your thread, please remember that your WH is acting like an addict right now. His A is no less an addiction than alcohol or drugs, and he will behave in the same reckless, thoughtless, and crazy ways as a drunk or drug addict. It's easier to remind yourself that he's not really your husband right now, it's like aliens have stolen his mind or he's possessed. Dr. Harley calls this "being in the affair fog". Unless he breaks all contact with the OW, he will continue to be in the fog. While in the fog, he will lie to you and his kids and family. He will swear up and down that he's no longer talking to the OW, but his behavior will continue to give him away.

Quote

My kids have openly told him how they feel about his affair and my oldest daughter will not talk to him.

I'm glad your kids are letting him know how this hurts them, he needs to hear about the pain he is causing everyone! I'm glad you have already exposed the A to family and friends, because that puts pressure on the A. Remember, exposure is not about revenge, it's simply the best way to help end the A. Here at MB we LIKE to cause havoc in the A!

Quote

His family is convincing my youngest daughter that I was a bad wife and if I would've been a better wife then he wouldn't have done what he did. The kids have all been told that dad had to leave the home because he was having an affair and I would not tolerate it.

Waywards lie, it's what they all do. They also rewrite history, in order to justify their selfish and reckless actions to others, and to themselves. You could have been the perfect wife, you could have met all of his ENs, and he STILL would have had the A. Your WH has POOR boundaries around the opposite sex, THAT is the reason he had an A. I'm telling you this to make sure you DON'T blame yourself for his A. A common reaction with BS (betrayed spouses) is to blame themselves. As you read more about Marriage Builders, you'll realize that yes you did contribute to the state of the marriage before the A. We all are susceptible to committing love busters like selfish demands, angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, independent behavior, dishonesty, and annoying habits. It's important that you recognize your own faults, in order to cleanup your side of the street. HOWEVER, these love busters PALE in comparison to his A. There is no excuse for having an A, none.

Unfortunately, we often see the wayward's family enable the wayward spouse's behavior with nonsense like this. Could you have been a better spouse? Sure, that's true for everyone, but it's no excuse. Having an A does NOT help protect his family, and does NOT help improve his marriage. He's simply intoxicated in the A, and will do and say anything to continue getting his "fix".

Quote

When I say testing divorce, I'm trying to show him what it would be like if we are not together. I don't have a lawn mower, so that is why he is cutting the grass. I plan to not have any interaction with him when he comes to cut the grass or pick up the kids. I currently stay inside when he shows up and will continue to do so.

Follow MelodyLane's advice for Plan B, it will be more effective than what you've tried so far. If you're unfamiliar with Plan A & Plan B, please read this:
What are Plan A and Plan B? https://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

In the meantime, please remember to take care of yourself. Make sure you eat and get enough sleep, and exercise really helps. Also, make sure to read up on the links I sent, especially "How to Survive Infidelity". The daily Marriage Builders radio show is also a great resource. You can also email your questions to Dr. Harley, or even be a caller on his radio show if you wish.

It's a scary and painful time, we've been through it, too. But keep in mind that you're not alone in this, you have a huge community of dedicated people here to help you. So it's not you against the OW and your WH. It's you and ALL of us on MB, against their affair. They're in the fog and irrational right now, while you have an army in your corner!

Shnn, I'm begging you to do a strategic plan b. DO not remain in contact with him, do not tell him your plan (I.e. letting him know outright it is a six month trial, because a wayward will just take the six months with his mistress and then return to you for more cake, then yo yo back to her. He wants both)

If you remain in contact;
A) He'll drag you down. He will tease and provoke and blow up your temper and use cruelty until you're willing to accept his crumbs. It is impossible to remain calm and happy and YOU WILL damage your mental health.
B) It props up the affair, because ideally he has you both. Contact encourages him to believe he can.

If you tell him your plans;
A) he will not tell you his. He will not tell you that he is about to strip you financially or that he will use every bit of intelligence to prop up the affair situation. Keep him on need to know.
B) He doesn't care! He lives completely in the moment. It is like talking to a drunk about your plans. Leave him with a plan B letter to read for when he is sober.

Plan B saved my life and my sanity. In three weeks you will feel SO much better and your plan will be clear.

Have you seen this? How to Plan B Correctly

If I file for divorce, will that ruin any chance of reconciliation? Last night was a very rough night and I don't want him to think I am a doormat. I know he wants me to be the one to file for divorce. Should I just take the stand and file? Will it help me to let go?

Originally Posted by Shnn18

If I file for divorce, will that ruin any chance of reconciliation? Last night was a very rough night and I don't want him to think I am a doormat. I know he wants me to be the one to file for divorce. Should I just take the stand and file? Will it help me to let go?

Hi Shnn, Filing for divorce is about protecting yourself and your children. You can stop the process at any time, and it usually takes a while so we are not talking about being divorced tomorrow. Not filing for divorce will leave you vulnerable when you WH stops giving you his cheque (which he will). Unless you have a court order in place for maintenance, you are totally dependent on his goodwill to continue giving you money.

I have been surprised how beneficial my divorce filing was for taking the uncertainty out of the situation with my WH and giving me the security to be able to focus on being a good mum while WH goes through whatever he is going through (which I have no idea about because I am in Plan B).

Originally Posted by Shnn18

If I file for divorce, will that ruin any chance of reconciliation? Last night was a very rough night and I don't want him to think I am a doormat. I know he wants me to be the one to file for divorce. Should I just take the stand and file? Will it help me to let go?

If you file for divorce, you will have much needed legal protection. As it is now, you at the mercy of a selfish wayward and are in competition with the OW for his income. You don�t want to place yourself in such a vulnerable position.

Filing for divorce will never prevent reconcilation. But it will give him a true taste of what divorce may look like and could be a wake up call.

Originally Posted by BrainHurts

Have you seen this? How to Plan B Correctly

Did you read this? Do you have your Plan B letter written? Have you talked with a lawyer?

I

Originally Posted by BrainHurts

Have you seen this? How to Plan B Correctly

Did you read this? Do you have your Plan B letter written? Have you talked with a lawyer?

I printed this out last night and began to read it. I also read the sample letter that Melody posted above. I had a bad night last night and told my husband that I am filing for divorce, so I don't know if I can even do a plan b letter now. I called one lawyer this morning and they want $3,000.00 for a retainer and $275.00 an hour. I'm going to call a few more.

Originally Posted by Shnn18

I had a bad night last night and told my husband that I am filing for divorce, so I don't know if I can even do a plan b letter now.

I know it's not easy right now, but please remember to remain CALM. AVOID fighting with your WH, it doesn't help the situation at all. Plan B requires careful planning, so DO NOT announce your plans to your WH yet. Read the "how to Plan B" thread, make a list of what you have to do, including a Plan B letter. Come back here and MelodyLane and others will give you suggestions of what to change, or what you're missing, etc. While all this PLANNING is happening, avoid relationship talk with WH. For one, he's in the fog so you won't get through to him. Secondly, it gives away your plan and strategic advantage.

Quote

I called one lawyer this morning and they want $3,000.00 for a retainer and $275.00 an hour. I'm going to call a few more.

Many lawyers offer a free consultation, so make sure to meet with multiple lawyers. There are some websites out there where you can search for local divorce attorneys. Some have ratings from clients, other sites have ratings from other attorneys. I'll try to find the links, maybe someone else here has them handy? That's how I found my divorce attorney, and I was very pleased with how he handled everything.

Again, you need to stay calm, cool, and collected. I mentioned anti-depressants earlier in this thread. Don't discount them, they can work wonders to calm you down and help you think straight. It won't numb you out, it'll just smooth out the emotional rollercoaster you're on.

Again, WAIT until you have a clear plan that the vets here have gone through with you before divulging any more to WH. Remember, the vets are not emotionally involved like you are, they can look at your situation objectively. It's very difficult for a BS to do that, especially while under the strain of the trauma the A has caused.

What happened last night? Or were you just in a bad place emotionally?

The beauty of followings Dr Harley�s plan (in your case Plan B) is that you have a strategic plan that is not based on emotion. I think you would agree that up to this point, you have been making decisions based on your emotions, which are understandably all over the place. This is confusing to you and your WH as it changes with the wind. You will feel so much better if you follow a plan based on logic and not emotion.

I was in a very bad place last night and I called him and told him that I am filing for divorce and he said ok. I got on antidepressants last month, but they don't seem to be helping. My emotions are like a roller coaster. I am strong, positive one minute and then crying the next. I just called the doctor to let them know, so maybe they will up the dosage or have me try something else. I know I am still in desperate mode, even though I am trying not to be. Somehow, I have to eliminate making any more mistakes.

Today, he took all the kids to a family members house to go swimming and I broke down crying. Previously, he told me he was leaving me, not the kids, so today I felt completely alone and abandoned.

You need to stop talking to your husband/worrying about what he will think. He is not capable of thinking while in an active affair. You can talk to him if he ever wakes up. It's like talking to a drunk person! Would you tell a drunk on the corner your life plans? The lawyers can tell him.

Go see a lawyer for a free consultation. See a few. In the meantime can you try to take a few days radio silence from your husband while you sort yourself out? Can you put the chain on the door/block your phone?

I can see from here he is having great success provoking you into drama.

Also try to move any cash from joint accounts out of his reach. Don't spend it, just protect it. Lawyers can't reclaim the cash if he's spent it.

Then we'll work on your plan b.

This is why you need to start following a logical Plan. Have you read the Plan B thread? Have you been working on finding an IM?

Staying in contact with WH will only keep you in the emotional turmoil you are in. Plan B is your best bet for regaining a sense of emotional stability at this time.

Also, did you ever expose OW to her family and friends?

Originally Posted by Shnn18

Today, he took all the kids to a family members house to go swimming and I broke down crying. Previously, he told me he was leaving me, not the kids, so today I felt completely alone and abandoned.

Shnn, please take a deep breath and follow through on the plan we outlned above. I promise you will feel like a new woman in a few weeks if you go into a proper Plan B and go compleetley dark. But you need to do it right. That means sending him a love letter with a path back as the last thing he hears from you. Set up an intermediary who can act as a spam filter. And I most certainly would not give your husband overnights unless it is court ordered. That is not good for any of you.

If you can do this, I promise you will feel like a new woman in a few short weeks.

Originally Posted by Shnn18

I was in a very bad place last night

You need Plan B right away. Your children already have one wayward parent - they need YOU to be as strong and healthy as possible.

If you stay in contact with your WH, this is only going to get worse.

Originally Posted by MarriedForever

HOW TO PLAN B CORRECTLY
This is for those who need to go into Plan B and need quick, concise instructions. There is a lot of confusion on how to go into Plan B and what a correct Plan B actually looks like.

TIMING
~Do not go into Plan B quickly. It takes time to prep for Plan B. I went into Plan B in about 48 hours from the time I discovered we had been in a false recovery, and that�s really the quickest you can expect to be able to do this and do a good job of getting all of your ducks in a row. Except for eating and sleeping, I worked on getting ready for Plan B for those whole 48 hours, too. Prepping for Plan B is CRUCIAL and it takes a lot of TIME. Do not skimp on your planning otherwise it will backfire on you. Once you give that PBL to your WS, you want to be able to stay completely dark.

DETAILS ON HOUSING
~DO NOT worry about where the WS is going to live or how he/she is going to pay for it. This is not the BS�s problem. A WS should never be shielded from the consequences of their affair, and this is indeed a consequence. Only worry about yourself and your children at this point. If the WS was able to carry on in an affair all by him/herself, he/she can certainly figure this out. You have enough to worry about.

INTERMEDIARY (IM)
~Find an IM. There is no substitute for this. Do not underestimate the importance of an IM. Do not think �only� text messages or �only� emails are acceptable. They aren�t. YOU MUST FIND AN IM. It can be a family member, a friend or (best bet) someone from MB. A CLOSE family member (parent or in-law) isn�t recommended ~ they are usually not able to stay neutral enough and if you get into recovery this could be difficult.

IM�s ROLE
~An IM�s sole purpose is to be a SPAM FILTER (Steve Harley�s words), allowing only communication that fits the boundaries set forth in Plan B (i.e., regarding children and finances ONLY). It�s usually recommended that most of the communicating be done via email, that way everything is in writing. Phone calls and text messages are permissible but most find emailing easiest. My IM re-wrote emails between us in her own words in order to avoid any emotional tones/responses.

They do not share any other info the WS sends, regardless of how benign the content. ONLY pertinent info is to be sent through to the BS. The IM is also not to share any info about the BS with the WS. Pertinent info about children and finances only should be passed back and forth.

The IM is to remain neutral...just a messenger sending info on, no reactions.

If the WS sends something inappropriate, the IM is to thank the WS for the communication, but let the WS know it will not be shared with the BS and refer the WS back to the PBL.

If the WS tries to contact the BS in any way, the IM is to tell the WS that the BS has not opened/listened to whatever it is, and the IM is to refer the WS back to the IM for all communication.

CHANGING THE LOCKS ON YOUR HOUSE
~This is very important so that the WS cannot come back into the marital home whenever he/she pleases. I called a locksmith out at about 10:00 pm on a Saturday night, he was very helpful. I didn�t have cash and didn�t want my WH to see on our credit card that I had called a locksmith, so he even followed me to a nearby grocery store to pull money out. He was very accommodating and seemed to understand that I was in trouble.

A second option instead of changing the locks is to simply put a deadbolt on any door to which the WS has a key. Also, if there is a garage door opener with a keypad, the keypad code needs to be changed. If you don�t have a keypad (only openers) and the WS has one, make sure to deadbolt/change the lock on the door between the garage and house. It is legal to change the locks on your own home, so do not be concerned about this.

PLAN B LETTER
~Write a �love letter� to your WS. Mention some particularly good memories the two of you have (vacations, special holiday traditions, silly moments).

Mention how hurt you are over the affair but that you are still willing to try to recover because of the love you have shared in the past. In one brief sentence state that you are not willing to do this until the A is over for good and that when it is, the WS is free to let the IM know and the IM can pass this info on to you.

Tell your WS that the pain is too great to be in contact with them while the A is continuing and because of that, you need to protect yourself.

Close the letter with �I love you and will be praying for you� or something similar.

Curtail the letter to your situation. This is a �love letter� so do not add any specifics on how PB will be carried out ~ those will go in an addendum to your PBL. It�s best if this letter is in your own handwriting rather than typed.

ADDENDUM
~In the addendum will be the logistics of how full NC between the BS and WS will be carried out. Here you will list the drop off and pick up points of children, who will be your IM, how the financial obligations will work. This is NOT part of your PBL, but it WILL be given to the WS when the PBL is delivered.

In the addendum you will also let the WS know that you have packed up all of THEIR personal belongings (no household items) and that the WS's boxes will be left __________ (on the front porch or driveway, second option would be a friend or family member's home) until ________ (usually 2-3 days from the time the letter is given). I packed up all of my H's belongings in about 30 minutes. This shouldn't take long.

IF THE WS ATTEMPTS CONTACT
IGNORE HIM/HER if it comes in the form of a phone call, email, text message, etc. Let the IM know and ask the IM to reiterate to the WS again that all contact MUST go through the IM.

If it�s in person, walk away. My H caught me in our garage one day, he was early picking the kids up and I was not yet locked in the safety of the house. He commented that he liked my new haircut. I smiled and quickly walked in the house. I did NOT talk to him or thank him for the compliment.

For the addendum on your letter:

Originally Posted by MelodyLane

. A typical visitation is Wednesday evenings and Saturday afternoons. I would include that visitation schedule in your Plan B letter.

Or choose days which suit you as we get to work in helping you heal (for heaven's sake, don't discuss/ask him which days he wants!)

Have you written your Plan B letter? Post here for feedback. Do you have an IM? When are you going dark?

Originally Posted by Shnn18

My husband is 47 and she is 36. I know that they work in a factory and he is her boss.

Most employers have strict fraternization rules that address situations like this. An exposure to the employer would very disruptive to the affair.

I have not written the plan b letter yet. I haven't been able to find an IM. I was hoping to go dark this week. He was extremely hateful over the weekend and I think he is going to pull his money soon. I'm trying to find a low income lawyer this morning. I did expose him at work and they were supposed to move him to another shift and then decided to keep him where he was at the end. They didn't follow through.

Originally Posted by Shnn18

I have not written the plan b letter yet. I haven't been able to find an IM. I was hoping to go dark this week. He was extremely hateful over the weekend and I think he is going to pull his money soon. .

Shnn, you just need someone who has a stiff spine who would be willing to act as spam filter. If done correctly, it is the easiest job in the world. I would also think through your visitation schedule, keep it as minimal as possible and have your H pick up the kids from the drive way and drop them off in the drive way. The goal is to not see or speak to him during these transfers.

You need to find the IM, write the letter and have someone else deliver the letter to him. After he gets the letter, he should not be able to reach you. That means blocking his cell phone/email so he can't reach you.

if he has a key to your home, i would change your locks. It is not hard - or expensive - to change your own locks.

I guess it's time to put the house up for sale so we will have money for a divorce.

Here is my plan B letter:

Dear ****EDIT***,

I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair possible. I foolishly allowed my personal pain to put up a wall and distance myself from you. I was not there for you when you needed me the most and we are now both suffering for my mistake. I�m sorry that I did not give you the love and support that you needed from me and that I did not support you when it came to the children and important decisions. I know I have caused you much pain and for that I am truly sorry.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship once and for all. Living with you under these conditions has been the most painful experience of my life, and I can no longer endure it.

Until your affair ends, and you are willing to follow a plan of reconciliation with me, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. Our friend, ***EDIT*** has agreed to be a mediator for us. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through her.

I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you this way. I�m sure you can imagine the pain and heartache this has caused me. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

I feel that it is in the best interest of the children for you to visit them every other weekend.

Also, I trust that you will continue to provide for your family and only keep $125.00 for yourself until a final resolution in our marriage is made.

As soon as you are willing to permanently end your relationship, follow precautions to avoid absolutely any contact with the other person, and join me in a plan to restore our relationship, I will be willing to discuss our future together with you.

I hope that we will be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new lifestyle together in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never be a reason for us to be separated. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you to be my best friend.

I cared for you when we married and I continue to care for you right up to this day. But I cannot be with you or help you as long as you are in this relationship.

With all my love,

***EDIT***

Have your friend read this training thread:

https://forum.marriagebuilders.com//ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2264548

I would give your husband her email address and encourage her to keep it all to written communication.

Make sure you block him and change the locks before sending the letter. Be prepared for him to throw a tantrum and refuse to use the IM.

Originally Posted by Shnn18

I guess it's time to put the house up for sale so we will have money for a divorce.

Do not worry! Nobody has ever in the the history of the world ever saved up for a divorce, it would be quite peculiar. You are not in the least different to the rest of us on that score. As long as you protect funds so as to stop him burning through the cash you'll be fine.

Originally Posted by Shnn18

I guess it's time to put the house up for sale so we will have money for a divorce.

Shnn, I would not do this now. You want to keep the house because you will have the children. He can pay the house payments and he can pay the lawyers fees.

Originally Posted by MelodyLane

Originally Posted by Shnn18

I guess it's time to put the house up for sale so we will have money for a divorce.

Shnn, I would not do this now. You want to keep the house because you will have the children. He can pay the house payments and he can pay the lawyers fees.

That is reassuring because everyone is telling me that he will have me sell the home so he can make some money on it, but I really want to try to keep the home. I just can't do it on my own, but I'm hoping the judge will make him help pay for the home.

Originally Posted by Shnn18

Here is my plan B letter:

Dear ***EDIT***,

I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair possible. I foolishly allowed my personal pain to put up a wall and distance myself from you. I was not there for you when you needed me the most and we are now both suffering for my mistake. I�m sorry that I did not give you the love and support that you needed from me and that I did not support you when it came to the children and important decisions. I know I have caused you much pain and for that I am truly sorry.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship once and for all. Living with you under these conditions has been the most painful experience of my life, and I can no longer endure it.

Until your affair ends, and you are willing to follow a plan of reconciliation with me, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. Our friend, ***EDIT*** has agreed to be a mediator for us. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through her.

I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you this way. I�m sure you can imagine the pain and heartache this has caused me. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

I feel that it is in the best interest of the children for you to visit them every other weekend.

Also, I trust that you will continue to provide for your family and only keep $125.00 for yourself until a final resolution in our marriage is made.

As soon as you are willing to permanently end your relationship, follow precautions to avoid absolutely any contact with the other person, and join me in a plan to restore our relationship, I will be willing to discuss our future together with you.

I hope that we will be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new lifestyle together in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never be a reason for us to be separated. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you to be my best friend.

I cared for you when we married and I continue to care for you right up to this day. But I cannot be with you or help you as long as you are in this relationship.

With all my love,

***EDIT***

Quote

Until your affair ends, and you are willing to follow a plan of reconciliation with me, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. Our friend, ***EDIT*** has agreed to be a mediator for us. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through her.

Shnn, I would remove the word "mediator" because that is not what she will be. She will only be a person who is passing on and filtering communication. Also, remove "any other matter" because you should only get PERTINENT messages - in your IM's words - about finances and child visitation. Change the sentence to:

"Our friend, ***EIT*** has agreed to facilitate any pertinent communication. If you want to communicate about the children or finances it will have to be through her."

Originally Posted by Shnn18

Originally Posted by MelodyLane

Originally Posted by Shnn18

I guess it's time to put the house up for sale so we will have money for a divorce.

Shnn, I would not do this now. You want to keep the house because you will have the children. He can pay the house payments and he can pay the lawyers fees.

That is reassuring because everyone is telling me that he will have me sell the home so he can make some money on it, but I really want to try to keep the home. I just can't do it on my own, but I'm hoping the judge will make him help pay for the home.

Which people, his family?

Marriage laws are certainly not what they should be but not so dreadful that judges preside over children being kicked out of their home in order to finance someone's adultery.

Stay put and change the locks. There won't be a thing he can do about it and of course he must support its upkeep.

I have not sent him the letter yet, but I have stayed silent for 4 days. He has not tried to contact me at all. Some days, I feel as though I am wasting my time and shouldn't give him this space and other days I feel like I just need to let time takes its course and see what happens.

Originally Posted by Shnn18

I have not sent him the letter yet, but I have stayed silent for 4 days. He has not tried to contact me at all. Some days, I feel as though I am wasting my time and shouldn't give him this space and other days I feel like I just need to let time takes its course and see what happens.

Shnn, I would just point out that neither options are a PLAN, they are just an emotional reaction to the affair. You are in what we call "Plan C," which is the most likely to end in divorce. If you want to have any chance, you are going to need to put aside your feelings and follow a plan.

Originally Posted by Shnn18

I feel like I just need to let time takes its course and see what happens.

That sounds risky - what happens could be something extremely painful to you. And then you might lose it and do something to make the problems even worse.

Shnn, have you been using your time here to read up on Dr. Harley's advice? Have you seen what happens to other wives in your situation? Have you listened to Dr. Harley's radio show at all?

Yes, I started reading his book this week. I'm going to send my husband my plan B letter and then cut off all contact and focus on self healing.

Originally Posted by Shnn18

Yes, I started reading his book this week. I'm going to send my husband my plan B letter and then cut off all contact and focus on self healing.

Originally Posted by Shnn18

Yes, I started reading his book this week. I'm going to send my husband my plan B letter and then cut off all contact and focus on self healing.

Great, Shnn - you are going to feel so much better.

Get the Marriage Builders app so you can listen to Dr. Harley's radio show, too - there's a lot to learn!