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I guess my hope is that the affair will burn out on it's own. I've tried to get him to end the affair and all it has done is push him closer to her. I also told him that I have no intentions of dating. I love him and want nothing more than for our marriage to survive and be better than ever. I'm going to focus on the things that he shared with me that I did to cause problems in the marriage and I am going to strengthen myself in those areas. I told him that I can have no contact with him as long as he continues to be involved with the OW and that I added that line in the separation because he is going to do what he wants anyways. I told him that he is a grown man, but in no way to I agree or accept him being with another woman and until it stops he will not have any contact with me. I told him this six months is intended to test divorce and see if we can truly save our marriage.

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Originally Posted by Shnn18
Honestly, I have no funds to get any legal protection at this point. That's the only thing holding me back. I don't know how I would give him a path back to his marriage.

You are not going to have funds to do anything very soon here when he stops his direct deposit. You need to call around and find an attorney who will help you file for divorce. The letter I posted gives him that path back. It also clearly states that you don't condone adultery.

My friend, you are not doing anything to defend your marriage and your finances. Essentially you are enabling a cheating husband. It is not a strategic move at all.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by Shnn18
I told him this six months is intended to test divorce and see if we can truly save our marriage.

The only thing that this separation will achieve is giving him the unbridled freedom to conduct his affair. You can't save a marriage by separating. You can only save a marriage if a)) he ends his affair and b) you have a plan for recovery. It is not logical to say that separation will save a marriage, it will not. It greatly increases your chance of divorce. That being said, when a WS won't end his affair, you have no great options other than to completely separate and protect yourself. That is where you are now.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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What exactly do you mean by "testing divorce?"


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by Shnn18
� We are free to date whomever we want with no repercussions of it being thrown in either of our faces if we choose to reconcile

Shnn, this is a terrible thing for a married person to say to her spouse. It reflects a lack of caring and a callousness towards the affair. I don't believe you are either. I think i can safely assume you are devastated about this affair and that should be articulated to your spouse. Your children should also be free to express their thoughts about his disgusting behavior. Are they being told this is acceptable?

My suggestion is to send him another letter once you find an intermediary and give him a message that is strategic and effective. For example, you leave him with a love letter showing him that you can build a great marriage with him if he will follow a plan. It also tells him how much his affair has hurt you. He needs to know that because I sure can't tell it from your comments.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I have done all the wrong things in the past in regards to the affair. I confronted them both at the hotel and almost got thrown in jail. I screamed and cried and have told him how much this affair has devastated me. I know I shouldn't have added that to the list, now that I look back at it, but I'm trying to break him out of the affair fog by no longer keeping it secret and exciting for him. Right now, it's all completely out of my control. I realize that we are headed towards divorce. He refuses to give up his affair, although he tries to lie and say he is not still talking to her but I know he is because the kids have seen the text messages. He will not go into counseling and does not have any interest in reconciling with me at this point. However, he won't file for divorce. He just keeps saying that he doesn't know what he wants.

My kids have openly told him how they feel about his affair and my oldest daughter will not talk to him. His family is convincing my youngest daughter that I was a bad wife and if I would've been a better wife then he wouldn't have done what he did. The kids have all been told that dad had to leave the home because he was having an affair and I would not tolerate it.

When I say testing divorce, I'm trying to show him what it would be like if we are not together. I don't have a lawn mower, so that is why he is cutting the grass. I plan to not have any interaction with him when he comes to cut the grass or pick up the kids. I currently stay inside when he shows up and will continue to do so.

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I have done all the wrong things in the past in regards to the affair. I confronted them both at the hotel and almost got thrown in jail. I screamed and cried and have told him how much this affair has devastated me.

Can I ask how you would know if you did all the wrong things? What is your experience with infidelity? Who gave you these ideas? I am trying to understand how you came up with this plan because it resembles nothing I have ever seen to be effective.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Shnn18, this probably is no consolation right now, but your WH (wayward husband) is acting like a typical wayward, more about that below. Keep read and follow MelodyLane's advice, you've got the best in your corner!

Originally Posted by Shnn18
I have done all the wrong things in the past in regards to the affair. I confronted them both at the hotel and almost got thrown in jail. I screamed and cried and have told him how much this affair has devastated me.
I know I shouldn't have added that to the list, now that I look back at it, but I'm trying to break him out of the affair fog by no longer keeping it secret and exciting for him. Right now, it's all completely out of my control.

Unfortunately, as MelodyLane pointed out, this strategy won't work. In his wayward mind, he now has more time and opportunity to continue the affair. Don't beat yourself up about having "done all the wrong things" so far. You're on an emotional rollercoaster from his A, no one is prepared to deal with this kind of trauma. You need a plan to get through this, so just keep posting here, and MelodyLane and others will walk you through this. Dr. Harley recommends going on anti-depressants temporarily while you go through this. It will smooth out the emotional rollercoaster, at a time when you most need to be clear-headed, whether you choose to recover the marriage or divorce. Your doctor can prescribe them if you choose.

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I realize that we are headed towards divorce. He refuses to give up his affair, although he tries to lie and say he is not still talking to her but I know he is because the kids have seen the text messages. He will not go into counseling and does not have any interest in reconciling with me at this point. However, he won't file for divorce. He just keeps saying that he doesn't know what he wants.

Typical wayward behavior. Many wayward husbands don't want a divorce but they don't want to give up the OW (other woman) either. We call them "cake eaters" as in "they want to have their cake and eat it, too". They like having two women to meet their ENs (emotional needs). For instance, you provide the EN of Family Commitment to his children. Your kids, especially the older ones, will be resentful of the OW so it would be difficult or impossible for her to provide Family Commitment to the kids. Before you discovered the A, you were still providing other ENs to him, along with the OW.

If you watched the 30m video I linked to earlier in your thread, please remember that your WH is acting like an addict right now. His A is no less an addiction than alcohol or drugs, and he will behave in the same reckless, thoughtless, and crazy ways as a drunk or drug addict. It's easier to remind yourself that he's not really your husband right now, it's like aliens have stolen his mind or he's possessed. Dr. Harley calls this "being in the affair fog". Unless he breaks all contact with the OW, he will continue to be in the fog. While in the fog, he will lie to you and his kids and family. He will swear up and down that he's no longer talking to the OW, but his behavior will continue to give him away.

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My kids have openly told him how they feel about his affair and my oldest daughter will not talk to him.


I'm glad your kids are letting him know how this hurts them, he needs to hear about the pain he is causing everyone! I'm glad you have already exposed the A to family and friends, because that puts pressure on the A. Remember, exposure is not about revenge, it's simply the best way to help end the A. Here at MB we LIKE to cause havoc in the A!

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His family is convincing my youngest daughter that I was a bad wife and if I would've been a better wife then he wouldn't have done what he did. The kids have all been told that dad had to leave the home because he was having an affair and I would not tolerate it.

Waywards lie, it's what they all do. They also rewrite history, in order to justify their selfish and reckless actions to others, and to themselves. You could have been the perfect wife, you could have met all of his ENs, and he STILL would have had the A. Your WH has POOR boundaries around the opposite sex, THAT is the reason he had an A. I'm telling you this to make sure you DON'T blame yourself for his A. A common reaction with BS (betrayed spouses) is to blame themselves. As you read more about Marriage Builders, you'll realize that yes you did contribute to the state of the marriage before the A. We all are susceptible to committing love busters like selfish demands, angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, independent behavior, dishonesty, and annoying habits. It's important that you recognize your own faults, in order to cleanup your side of the street. HOWEVER, these love busters PALE in comparison to his A. There is no excuse for having an A, none.

Unfortunately, we often see the wayward's family enable the wayward spouse's behavior with nonsense like this. Could you have been a better spouse? Sure, that's true for everyone, but it's no excuse. Having an A does NOT help protect his family, and does NOT help improve his marriage. He's simply intoxicated in the A, and will do and say anything to continue getting his "fix".

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When I say testing divorce, I'm trying to show him what it would be like if we are not together. I don't have a lawn mower, so that is why he is cutting the grass. I plan to not have any interaction with him when he comes to cut the grass or pick up the kids. I currently stay inside when he shows up and will continue to do so.

Follow MelodyLane's advice for Plan B, it will be more effective than what you've tried so far. If you're unfamiliar with Plan A & Plan B, please read this:
What are Plan A and Plan B? https://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

In the meantime, please remember to take care of yourself. Make sure you eat and get enough sleep, and exercise really helps. Also, make sure to read up on the links I sent, especially "How to Survive Infidelity". The daily Marriage Builders radio show is also a great resource. You can also email your questions to Dr. Harley, or even be a caller on his radio show if you wish.

It's a scary and painful time, we've been through it, too. But keep in mind that you're not alone in this, you have a huge community of dedicated people here to help you. So it's not you against the OW and your WH. It's you and ALL of us on MB, against their affair. They're in the fog and irrational right now, while you have an army in your corner!


Last edited by abrrba; 06/28/18 02:29 PM.

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Shnn, I'm begging you to do a strategic plan b. DO not remain in contact with him, do not tell him your plan (I.e. letting him know outright it is a six month trial, because a wayward will just take the six months with his mistress and then return to you for more cake, then yo yo back to her. He wants both)

If you remain in contact;
A) He'll drag you down. He will tease and provoke and blow up your temper and use cruelty until you're willing to accept his crumbs. It is impossible to remain calm and happy and YOU WILL damage your mental health.
B) It props up the affair, because ideally he has you both. Contact encourages him to believe he can.

If you tell him your plans;
A) he will not tell you his. He will not tell you that he is about to strip you financially or that he will use every bit of intelligence to prop up the affair situation. Keep him on need to know.
B) He doesn't care! He lives completely in the moment. It is like talking to a drunk about your plans. Leave him with a plan B letter to read for when he is sober.

Plan B saved my life and my sanity. In three weeks you will feel SO much better and your plan will be clear.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Have you seen this? How to Plan B Correctly


FWW/BW (me)
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2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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If I file for divorce, will that ruin any chance of reconciliation? Last night was a very rough night and I don't want him to think I am a doormat. I know he wants me to be the one to file for divorce. Should I just take the stand and file? Will it help me to let go?

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Originally Posted by Shnn18
If I file for divorce, will that ruin any chance of reconciliation? Last night was a very rough night and I don't want him to think I am a doormat. I know he wants me to be the one to file for divorce. Should I just take the stand and file? Will it help me to let go?

Hi Shnn, Filing for divorce is about protecting yourself and your children. You can stop the process at any time, and it usually takes a while so we are not talking about being divorced tomorrow. Not filing for divorce will leave you vulnerable when you WH stops giving you his cheque (which he will). Unless you have a court order in place for maintenance, you are totally dependent on his goodwill to continue giving you money.

I have been surprised how beneficial my divorce filing was for taking the uncertainty out of the situation with my WH and giving me the security to be able to focus on being a good mum while WH goes through whatever he is going through (which I have no idea about because I am in Plan B).


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted by Shnn18
If I file for divorce, will that ruin any chance of reconciliation? Last night was a very rough night and I don't want him to think I am a doormat. I know he wants me to be the one to file for divorce. Should I just take the stand and file? Will it help me to let go?

If you file for divorce, you will have much needed legal protection. As it is now, you at the mercy of a selfish wayward and are in competition with the OW for his income. You don�t want to place yourself in such a vulnerable position.

Filing for divorce will never prevent reconcilation. But it will give him a true taste of what divorce may look like and could be a wake up call.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Have you seen this? How to Plan B Correctly

Did you read this? Do you have your Plan B letter written? Have you talked with a lawyer?


FWW/BW (me)
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Have you seen this? How to Plan B Correctly

Did you read this? Do you have your Plan B letter written? Have you talked with a lawyer?


I printed this out last night and began to read it. I also read the sample letter that Melody posted above. I had a bad night last night and told my husband that I am filing for divorce, so I don't know if I can even do a plan b letter now. I called one lawyer this morning and they want $3,000.00 for a retainer and $275.00 an hour. I'm going to call a few more.

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Originally Posted by Shnn18
I had a bad night last night and told my husband that I am filing for divorce, so I don't know if I can even do a plan b letter now.

I know it's not easy right now, but please remember to remain CALM. AVOID fighting with your WH, it doesn't help the situation at all. Plan B requires careful planning, so DO NOT announce your plans to your WH yet. Read the "how to Plan B" thread, make a list of what you have to do, including a Plan B letter. Come back here and MelodyLane and others will give you suggestions of what to change, or what you're missing, etc. While all this PLANNING is happening, avoid relationship talk with WH. For one, he's in the fog so you won't get through to him. Secondly, it gives away your plan and strategic advantage.

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I called one lawyer this morning and they want $3,000.00 for a retainer and $275.00 an hour. I'm going to call a few more.

Many lawyers offer a free consultation, so make sure to meet with multiple lawyers. There are some websites out there where you can search for local divorce attorneys. Some have ratings from clients, other sites have ratings from other attorneys. I'll try to find the links, maybe someone else here has them handy? That's how I found my divorce attorney, and I was very pleased with how he handled everything.

Again, you need to stay calm, cool, and collected. I mentioned anti-depressants earlier in this thread. Don't discount them, they can work wonders to calm you down and help you think straight. It won't numb you out, it'll just smooth out the emotional rollercoaster you're on.

Again, WAIT until you have a clear plan that the vets here have gone through with you before divulging any more to WH. Remember, the vets are not emotionally involved like you are, they can look at your situation objectively. It's very difficult for a BS to do that, especially while under the strain of the trauma the A has caused.

Last edited by abrrba; 06/29/18 11:49 AM.

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What happened last night? Or were you just in a bad place emotionally?

The beauty of followings Dr Harley�s plan (in your case Plan B) is that you have a strategic plan that is not based on emotion. I think you would agree that up to this point, you have been making decisions based on your emotions, which are understandably all over the place. This is confusing to you and your WH as it changes with the wind. You will feel so much better if you follow a plan based on logic and not emotion.

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I was in a very bad place last night and I called him and told him that I am filing for divorce and he said ok. I got on antidepressants last month, but they don't seem to be helping. My emotions are like a roller coaster. I am strong, positive one minute and then crying the next. I just called the doctor to let them know, so maybe they will up the dosage or have me try something else. I know I am still in desperate mode, even though I am trying not to be. Somehow, I have to eliminate making any more mistakes.

Today, he took all the kids to a family members house to go swimming and I broke down crying. Previously, he told me he was leaving me, not the kids, so today I felt completely alone and abandoned.

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You need to stop talking to your husband/worrying about what he will think. He is not capable of thinking while in an active affair. You can talk to him if he ever wakes up. It's like talking to a drunk person! Would you tell a drunk on the corner your life plans? The lawyers can tell him.

Go see a lawyer for a free consultation. See a few. In the meantime can you try to take a few days radio silence from your husband while you sort yourself out? Can you put the chain on the door/block your phone?

I can see from here he is having great success provoking you into drama.

Also try to move any cash from joint accounts out of his reach. Don't spend it, just protect it. Lawyers can't reclaim the cash if he's spent it.

Then we'll work on your plan b.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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This is why you need to start following a logical Plan. Have you read the Plan B thread? Have you been working on finding an IM?

Staying in contact with WH will only keep you in the emotional turmoil you are in. Plan B is your best bet for regaining a sense of emotional stability at this time.

Also, did you ever expose OW to her family and friends?

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