Trying to understand EA & overcome resentment - 01/22/19 04:04 PM
Hello
We are both 49, married for 20 years, 4 children. Have been in hell the last 4 months, but have done much soul-searching, research,study and marriage rebuilding. The last few years have had crazy difficult for us; new high demand position for him, 2 deaths of our closest family members and a move to help them before they passed, a huge daily commute for him and I was temporarily disabled until I had a joint replacement! In addition, our marriage lacked the meeting of physical needs for both of us and his workaholic tendencies that involved travel around the world for up to 10 days at a time. We have always both loved each other and have made big sacrifices to support each other. I would never thing that he would even consider cheating on me--I get this mistake-so, I had blind trust in him. I am his only long term relationship!
In Dec of 17, I started to notice tiny changes in how he was treating me. In 3/18, I had my joint replacement and told him I needed his help at home for several weeks as I would be completely helpless, he could have taken FMLA-FYI, he has never taken a sick day! Well, he only took several vacation days and worked from home another several days. He never told me he was going back to work, I over heard him on the phone with a coworker! I forced him to take additional work from home days, as I was in bad shape and helpless. His behavior was shocking and out of character but, I assumed he was worried about being away from his new position for too long. Later that month, I was very upset and tried to talk to him about how I sensed there was something off with him, maybe another woman?, but he assured me that was not the case & gave me cell phone access-which I did not use until Sept. Long story short, as I recovered, things continued to go downhill. He was at work for longer amounts of time, he never had time to speak to me during the day or during his commute, he was very distant from me, kids and home. He began to hide his cell phone & keep it on his person at all times. He would also not honor his commitment to get his work schedule under control, claiming he was overwhelmed.
In late Summer I started checking his phone which I discovered contained his work calendar. I noticed a woman, whom he NEVER MENTIONED to me, was meeting with him both alone and in group project meetings. She is single, plain, and several years younger than us. He described her as a temporary person he was managing along with several others (men). In the past, I always knew who he was working with, so I was concerned. By Fall when she should have been transferred, I noticed her texting him on his vacation day about a trivial matter, which was a red flag and caused me to take serious investigative actions. After 2 months of his lies, studying thousands of emails, cell phone records, texts and his calendar it turns out that he was always attracted to her, never mentioned her to me, and had manipulated his work situation to manage her so that he could start meeting with her regularly. This is at the same time I was disabled and he should have been downsizing his time at work. After several months of managing her, "he became more attracted to her" and started adding meetings. He maintained they never had a personal conversation, everything was business related and he actually knew almost nothing about her other than the suburb where she lives and the extended vacations she was taking. He passed a poly for NO Sexual contact during our marriage. He denied that this was an EA because of the fact that he never told her about his personal life, nor did he ask about hers. He also NEVER mentioned me to her, which we know would cause her to lose interest in him. It came to the light that she was manipulating the calendar to make sure she was always around him. Meetings were scheduled around his days in the office, She was requesting extra meetings etc. She had scheduled along meetings with him for months after it was known she would not be in his area--he was unaware because he had not looked at his calendar that far in advance. There were no emails or texts of a personal nature, but many were trivial issues that look like 2 people trying to find reasons to contact each other while being professional.He usually answered her emails within a couple of minutes and even when he was overseas or on weekends. NO contact has been in effect for 3 months and he does not manage her any longer. He says he does not miss her or have any desire to see her. I feel like I stopped a PA that was coming and he has come to agree. He is very sorry and I am trying to get over how crushed I feel by his lies and betrayal. His actions have completely changed and I know we both want to rebuild our relationship stronger than ever as we are now aware of all the principles in Dr. Harley's books--wish we would have found them 20 years ago.
On this site I found the following quote today that fits his actions exactly and it has me wondering if he was an EA, infatuation or what!!!. "The pleasure of her conversation with him deposited so many love units that she fell in love with him, and so it's natural to assume that she will want to talk to him even more. She is finding it difficult to wait for the next opportunity to see him. If she wants to talk to him more often, she will need to create new ways to spend more time with him." This is exactly what my H did, but he insists he never touched this female or even talked about anything of a personal nature with her. I have a couple of good days and then I get super angry, mainly because he kept lying to me and trying to minimize. Any advice? I have not felt well due to the stress and lack of eating. He is more than willing to take another poly to prove what he is telling me about his relationship with her but I am sick that we are at this point, yet having trouble getting past this. Finally, he worked with her on another project the year before and knew her much longer than he was ever going to tell me. Any input would be appreciated.
We are both 49, married for 20 years, 4 children. Have been in hell the last 4 months, but have done much soul-searching, research,study and marriage rebuilding. The last few years have had crazy difficult for us; new high demand position for him, 2 deaths of our closest family members and a move to help them before they passed, a huge daily commute for him and I was temporarily disabled until I had a joint replacement! In addition, our marriage lacked the meeting of physical needs for both of us and his workaholic tendencies that involved travel around the world for up to 10 days at a time. We have always both loved each other and have made big sacrifices to support each other. I would never thing that he would even consider cheating on me--I get this mistake-so, I had blind trust in him. I am his only long term relationship!
In Dec of 17, I started to notice tiny changes in how he was treating me. In 3/18, I had my joint replacement and told him I needed his help at home for several weeks as I would be completely helpless, he could have taken FMLA-FYI, he has never taken a sick day! Well, he only took several vacation days and worked from home another several days. He never told me he was going back to work, I over heard him on the phone with a coworker! I forced him to take additional work from home days, as I was in bad shape and helpless. His behavior was shocking and out of character but, I assumed he was worried about being away from his new position for too long. Later that month, I was very upset and tried to talk to him about how I sensed there was something off with him, maybe another woman?, but he assured me that was not the case & gave me cell phone access-which I did not use until Sept. Long story short, as I recovered, things continued to go downhill. He was at work for longer amounts of time, he never had time to speak to me during the day or during his commute, he was very distant from me, kids and home. He began to hide his cell phone & keep it on his person at all times. He would also not honor his commitment to get his work schedule under control, claiming he was overwhelmed.
In late Summer I started checking his phone which I discovered contained his work calendar. I noticed a woman, whom he NEVER MENTIONED to me, was meeting with him both alone and in group project meetings. She is single, plain, and several years younger than us. He described her as a temporary person he was managing along with several others (men). In the past, I always knew who he was working with, so I was concerned. By Fall when she should have been transferred, I noticed her texting him on his vacation day about a trivial matter, which was a red flag and caused me to take serious investigative actions. After 2 months of his lies, studying thousands of emails, cell phone records, texts and his calendar it turns out that he was always attracted to her, never mentioned her to me, and had manipulated his work situation to manage her so that he could start meeting with her regularly. This is at the same time I was disabled and he should have been downsizing his time at work. After several months of managing her, "he became more attracted to her" and started adding meetings. He maintained they never had a personal conversation, everything was business related and he actually knew almost nothing about her other than the suburb where she lives and the extended vacations she was taking. He passed a poly for NO Sexual contact during our marriage. He denied that this was an EA because of the fact that he never told her about his personal life, nor did he ask about hers. He also NEVER mentioned me to her, which we know would cause her to lose interest in him. It came to the light that she was manipulating the calendar to make sure she was always around him. Meetings were scheduled around his days in the office, She was requesting extra meetings etc. She had scheduled along meetings with him for months after it was known she would not be in his area--he was unaware because he had not looked at his calendar that far in advance. There were no emails or texts of a personal nature, but many were trivial issues that look like 2 people trying to find reasons to contact each other while being professional.He usually answered her emails within a couple of minutes and even when he was overseas or on weekends. NO contact has been in effect for 3 months and he does not manage her any longer. He says he does not miss her or have any desire to see her. I feel like I stopped a PA that was coming and he has come to agree. He is very sorry and I am trying to get over how crushed I feel by his lies and betrayal. His actions have completely changed and I know we both want to rebuild our relationship stronger than ever as we are now aware of all the principles in Dr. Harley's books--wish we would have found them 20 years ago.
On this site I found the following quote today that fits his actions exactly and it has me wondering if he was an EA, infatuation or what!!!. "The pleasure of her conversation with him deposited so many love units that she fell in love with him, and so it's natural to assume that she will want to talk to him even more. She is finding it difficult to wait for the next opportunity to see him. If she wants to talk to him more often, she will need to create new ways to spend more time with him." This is exactly what my H did, but he insists he never touched this female or even talked about anything of a personal nature with her. I have a couple of good days and then I get super angry, mainly because he kept lying to me and trying to minimize. Any advice? I have not felt well due to the stress and lack of eating. He is more than willing to take another poly to prove what he is telling me about his relationship with her but I am sick that we are at this point, yet having trouble getting past this. Finally, he worked with her on another project the year before and knew her much longer than he was ever going to tell me. Any input would be appreciated.