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Hello
We are both 49, married for 20 years, 4 children. Have been in hell the last 4 months, but have done much soul-searching, research,study and marriage rebuilding. The last few years have had crazy difficult for us; new high demand position for him, 2 deaths of our closest family members and a move to help them before they passed, a huge daily commute for him and I was temporarily disabled until I had a joint replacement! In addition, our marriage lacked the meeting of physical needs for both of us and his workaholic tendencies that involved travel around the world for up to 10 days at a time. We have always both loved each other and have made big sacrifices to support each other. I would never thing that he would even consider cheating on me--I get this mistake-so, I had blind trust in him. I am his only long term relationship!

In Dec of 17, I started to notice tiny changes in how he was treating me. In 3/18, I had my joint replacement and told him I needed his help at home for several weeks as I would be completely helpless, he could have taken FMLA-FYI, he has never taken a sick day! Well, he only took several vacation days and worked from home another several days. He never told me he was going back to work, I over heard him on the phone with a coworker! I forced him to take additional work from home days, as I was in bad shape and helpless. His behavior was shocking and out of character but, I assumed he was worried about being away from his new position for too long. Later that month, I was very upset and tried to talk to him about how I sensed there was something off with him, maybe another woman?, but he assured me that was not the case & gave me cell phone access-which I did not use until Sept. Long story short, as I recovered, things continued to go downhill. He was at work for longer amounts of time, he never had time to speak to me during the day or during his commute, he was very distant from me, kids and home. He began to hide his cell phone & keep it on his person at all times. He would also not honor his commitment to get his work schedule under control, claiming he was overwhelmed.

In late Summer I started checking his phone which I discovered contained his work calendar. I noticed a woman, whom he NEVER MENTIONED to me, was meeting with him both alone and in group project meetings. She is single, plain, and several years younger than us. He described her as a temporary person he was managing along with several others (men). In the past, I always knew who he was working with, so I was concerned. By Fall when she should have been transferred, I noticed her texting him on his vacation day about a trivial matter, which was a red flag and caused me to take serious investigative actions. After 2 months of his lies, studying thousands of emails, cell phone records, texts and his calendar it turns out that he was always attracted to her, never mentioned her to me, and had manipulated his work situation to manage her so that he could start meeting with her regularly. This is at the same time I was disabled and he should have been downsizing his time at work. After several months of managing her, "he became more attracted to her" and started adding meetings. He maintained they never had a personal conversation, everything was business related and he actually knew almost nothing about her other than the suburb where she lives and the extended vacations she was taking. He passed a poly for NO Sexual contact during our marriage. He denied that this was an EA because of the fact that he never told her about his personal life, nor did he ask about hers. He also NEVER mentioned me to her, which we know would cause her to lose interest in him. It came to the light that she was manipulating the calendar to make sure she was always around him. Meetings were scheduled around his days in the office, She was requesting extra meetings etc. She had scheduled along meetings with him for months after it was known she would not be in his area--he was unaware because he had not looked at his calendar that far in advance. There were no emails or texts of a personal nature, but many were trivial issues that look like 2 people trying to find reasons to contact each other while being professional.He usually answered her emails within a couple of minutes and even when he was overseas or on weekends. NO contact has been in effect for 3 months and he does not manage her any longer. He says he does not miss her or have any desire to see her. I feel like I stopped a PA that was coming and he has come to agree. He is very sorry and I am trying to get over how crushed I feel by his lies and betrayal. His actions have completely changed and I know we both want to rebuild our relationship stronger than ever as we are now aware of all the principles in Dr. Harley's books--wish we would have found them 20 years ago.

On this site I found the following quote today that fits his actions exactly and it has me wondering if he was an EA, infatuation or what!!!. "The pleasure of her conversation with him deposited so many love units that she fell in love with him, and so it's natural to assume that she will want to talk to him even more. She is finding it difficult to wait for the next opportunity to see him. If she wants to talk to him more often, she will need to create new ways to spend more time with him." This is exactly what my H did, but he insists he never touched this female or even talked about anything of a personal nature with her. I have a couple of good days and then I get super angry, mainly because he kept lying to me and trying to minimize. Any advice? I have not felt well due to the stress and lack of eating. He is more than willing to take another poly to prove what he is telling me about his relationship with her but I am sick that we are at this point, yet having trouble getting past this. Finally, he worked with her on another project the year before and knew her much longer than he was ever going to tell me. Any input would be appreciated.

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Welcome to MB.

Does he still work with this OW?


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Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Welcome to the best place you could have landed.
Your story is so very similar to mine. I�ll be your cheerleader, while everyone here helps clear your path. smile

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Hi there,
They both work at the same very large company, but now they are in 2 different areas so there is no contact. However, he lied about every detail of working with her, mainly to cover the fact that he arranged it all as he was completely withdrawn from me. I am still having a very difficult time believing there was no PA. Found out he has been lying to me since we were dating about things that would be deal breakers. Truth about it keeps coming out.

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Thanks much. Were you able to find out for certain there was no PA? I'm not feeling well because of the years of lies from someone I thought was completely honest.

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Originally Posted by Madison1313
Hi there,
They both work at the same very large company, but now they are in 2 different areas so there is no contact. However, he lied about every detail of working with her, mainly to cover the fact that he arranged it all as he was completely withdrawn from me. I am still having a very difficult time believing there was no PA. Found out he has been lying to me since we were dating about things that would be deal breakers. Truth about it keeps coming out.

Madison, do they still work at the same location? Does he still manage women? I saw that he passed a polygraph about sexual contact, is that correct?

Quote
but now they are in 2 different areas so there is no contact

Can you be more specific? How far apart are these areas?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by Madison1313
Thanks much. Were you able to find out for certain there was no PA? I'm not feeling well because of the years of lies from someone I thought was completely honest.

I would assume that there has been a physical affair unless you're somehow able to confirm otherwise.

Have you checked out Dr. Harley's radio show? You're going to need a lot of education on how to use this program to recover, and those daily doses of education are invaluable!


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Hello,
They are currently in 2 different buildings. He notifies me if he has seen her in the area for a meeting,etc.
He did pass the poly for NO sexual contact during our marriage. He took it with a very reputable police detective that does poly also.
He took months before he would even admit/recognize that it was an EA. Apparently there was not much Personal info exchanged between them, but the work related contact involved him voluntarily getting involved with her area & increasing contact between them until I found out and he agreed to cut off contact. Which he has done, I have free access to phone & computer. We are working with a local therapist.

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I need to check out the radio show. We have Dr.Harley's books and they have been a tremendous help. He passed the poly, but I am wondering if he could have beat it, he is very smart. He is no longer managing any women,nor will he be meeting alone with them. He agreed to turn alone meetings with any women into group meetings whenever possible, which is basically almost always.

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Originally Posted by Madison1313
Hello,
They are currently in 2 different buildings. He notifies me if he has seen her in the area for a meeting,etc.
He did pass the poly for NO sexual contact during our marriage. He took it with a very reputable police detective that does poly also.

Ok. So they still are together at work. This makes recovery impossible because he can never withdraw from her. Every day he goes there his feelings are triggered. And he won�t tell you when they are in contact.

In short, recovery hasn�t even started and the longer this affair goes on, the harder it will be to recover. Surely, you must sense the risk here?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Madison1313
I need to check out the radio show. We have Dr.Harley's books and they have been a tremendous help. He passed the poly, but I am wondering if he could have beat it, he is very smart. He is no longer managing any women,nor will he be meeting alone with them. He agreed to turn alone meetings with any women into group meetings whenever possible, which is basically almost always.

He can tell you anything he wants though. How would you even know he doesn�t manage women anymore? How would you know if he doesn�t meet with women alone?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Madison1313
Hello,
They are currently in 2 different buildings. He notifies me if he has seen her in the area for a meeting,etc.
He did pass the poly for NO sexual contact during our marriage. He took it with a very reputable police detective that does poly also.
He took months before he would even admit/recognize that it was an EA. Apparently there was not much Personal info exchanged between them, but the work related contact involved him voluntarily getting involved with her area & increasing contact between them until I found out and he agreed to cut off contact. Which he has done, I have free access to phone & computer. We are working with a local therapist.
What spyware do you have on his devices? Do you have a GPS/VAR on his vehicle?


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Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by Madison1313
Thanks much. Were you able to find out for certain there was no PA? I'm not feeling well because of the years of lies from someone I thought was completely honest.

Yes years of thinking we are married to someone and find he has whole other game and drive than he shows at home.
Mine still won’t admit EA, as he never disclosed personal things to her.
I discovered some hugging and kiss/kissing had transpired, and several outings together in our car, posed as work related material purchases, about three years of friendship, and a recent approx year of texting, work and flirting, and banter around sharp edges. And who knows what was spoken in person... he claims nothing personal was shared on his end.
He passed poly for no sexual contact.
I did not have a great feeling from our polygraph guy. He was defending the feel good of men’s being stroked in the work place and he kept trying to get me to lessen my time range of actions for poly questions. He attempted to play counselor, which was kind of bazaar.
I left there thinking, that’s the best POLY in town?..
So I relate to your position in sadly doubting the results, mostly because it feels unlikely there was no PA.
I would suggest listening to everyone and every detail here.
They know the ropes and best way to get the mud on the table to make changes needed to survive this.
It may be hard, but it will get better! Hang in there, we’re all here for you.

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I can see who he manages because he logs into a place where his employer has everyone's work relationship listed. When we look at him it shows all men being managed by him. I can also look at his daily meetings which is web/email connected that shows exactly who he is meeting with. We cannot install any software on his cell as it is company owned/managed. We do access all past calls.

Gigiette-I read your story and yet, it reminded me of mine! Therapist we work with said it was most definitely an EA because he was physically attracted to her, grew increasingly involved with her and looked forward to seeing her. As the therapist said, "his heart was there, not with you". It was at the point where it would become an PA as soon as the opportunity arose, if in fact, it was not already a PA. I have not put a tracker on his car. I think if he was in a PA, it is over, because of his sincere desire to be open with all info and the close contact we are having throughout the day--before I could barely speak to him as he was mainly avoiding my calls. So, I guess the tracker would have been useful last year when he was constantly at work, not at this point.

I appreciate all input.

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I know the risk. Bottom line is he has to stay for a few personal reasons. He has offered to quit multiple times, I have been the one that says he needs to stay.

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Originally Posted by Madison1313
I know the risk. Bottom line is he has to stay for a few personal reasons. He has offered to quit multiple times, I have been the one that says he needs to stay.

Just know your marriage can never recover unless he leaves the job. By choosing the job over the marriage, you will lose both because when you get divorced, you won't get the benefit of the job. You will be competing with the OW for his income. Unfortunately, there is nothing we can do to help you in this situation because this is a hopeless situation. Sorry.

I am not trying to be discouraging, but very honest with you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by Madison1313
Gigiette-I read your story and yet, it reminded me of mine! Therapist we work with said it was most definitely an EA because he was physically attracted to her, grew increasingly involved with her and looked forward to seeing her. As the therapist said, "his heart was there, not with you". It was at the point where it would become an PA as soon as the opportunity arose, if in fact, it was not already a PA. I have not put a tracker on his car. I think if he was in a PA, it is over, because of his sincere desire to be open with all info and the close contact we are having throughout the day--before I could barely speak to him as he was mainly avoiding my calls. So, I guess the tracker would have been useful last year when he was constantly at work, not at this point.

I appreciate all input.

The longer he works there the stronger his feelings will grow. And he won't tell you about his affair. This is like sending the alcoholic into the bar every day expecting him to get sober. It will never happen because he is daily tempted. The alcohol stays TOP OF MIND. Every time he sees her or her vehicle or her name on an email his feelings will be triggered. This is why recovery is impossible when they continue to work together. IMPOSSIBLE.

Last edited by MelodyLane; 02/12/19 04:05 PM.

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by Madison1313
I know the risk. Bottom line is he has to stay for a few personal reasons. He has offered to quit multiple times, I have been the one that says he needs to stay.

Just know your marriage can never recover unless he leaves the job. By choosing the job over the marriage, you will lose both because when you get divorced, you won't get the benefit of the job. You will be competing with the OW for his income. Unfortunately, there is nothing we can do to help you in this situation because this is a hopeless situation. Sorry.

I am not trying to be discouraging, but very honest with you.

The recovery plan here works when followed, and Dr. Harley has never seen another plan that works.

The plan doesn't work when people leave out important steps, though, and this is important.

Sometimes I have explained to people here that they need to start preparing for separation or divorce because the plan they are following is going to lead to it and it will be less traumatic to go ahead and prepare now.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.

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