Trying my best - 04/27/21 03:10 PM
Thanks to all who have shared their stories. It has helped me lots to read the process and the replies.
I am not sure why I am writing, but it feels good to share no matter the result.
I found out my wife was in affair about two months back. To say that I have been badly hurt is an understatement that everyone here can understand. I lost a close friend to cancer years ago and somehow this loss is even worse. I hate to admit that to myself, but it is true. This was the one thing that my wife and I always said would NEVER happen to us, that we would simply leave each other as friends before breaking each other's hearts with this level of betrayl and disregard for the other one. We have seen our friends divorce over affairs and discussed this very topic, "how could they hurt them like that? why didn't they simply leave?".
In any case, when I found out, she was basically not even sorry, said he filled a void that I hadn't in a long time. I have been depressed for a few years when my business went under and it seemed to take my self confidence to all time low levels. I think it brought up many fears and thoughts of shyness and rejection from my childhood if I am honest with my own self. My wife has straight up told me she lost respect for me, that I was no longer a provider for the family (because I didn't jump back into another job hell I hated and start again) and I created a sad state for her and the kids. This is a rough road, and my damn brain paints such a bleak everything now. I don't want to wake up in the morning. I don't want to be here anymore.
I am not disagreeing that I created a bad situation for my family by not breaking out of my 'funk' and just pushing through. I get it. But, I also know that she could have done so many things to pull me up from that darkness. She could have dragged me upstairs to bed regularily and showed me I was her guy, she could have held my hand so I knew that no matter what we were going to work through this together. She could have done the few things I asked of her during that period that I needed. But, she didn't, she chose herself and what she wanted every step of the way, alt the way to lying to me so many times and spending nights with another man. I still can't believe it, that's how much I trusted her to my very core. Picturing her with him sleeping at night cuddled together is I think even worse than the awful images of the nights of sex I know she is capable of.
So, after talking we decided to try again - and I feel like I have done most of the apologizing for pushing her away. She won't tell me who it is, simply that I don't know him. I don't know who in our friend group knows and is basically laughing at me behind my back. I don't want anyone to know that my wife was with another man, I am so ashamed to my core. I don't think I could live with that. She has told me before that her friends ask her why she stays with this sad person when she is the light of the party. Of course, they don't see how sad and down she is regularily in 'real life' and it's easy to be happy go lucky at the bars a couple times a week.
We are spending quality time together, we are affectionate like we haven't been in years. I have been working on ME. Even if it doesn't work out at least I finally get that I need to break out and find myself again. But Ironincally this has both been a wake up call and a huge blow to my ego that is keeping me from fighting my way back. Back to, if she had simply been there for me truly a year ago loving me like crazy I think I could have.
I believe that she has cut off ties to the OM, but there is no way to know with all the phone apps today and she has no plans to let me have access to her phone or to prove anything beyond her word.
Our sex life before this was a rare event, once every four to six weeks and even then it was a quickie or something. It didn't matter what I planned, purchased, did. And today two months later we have had one encounter while we were drinking. I would think if the situation was reversed that I would be doing everything to prove to her that I wanted her that way. She has barely touched me sexually. She says she isn't sure if maybe things will go back to the original ways and she doesn't know when she will feel that way again. I want to wait and build up our relationship to what it was at the start (damn good), but this constant physical rejection makes me question if she is staying simply because she doesn't want to hurt me anymore, doesn't want to hurt our children, doesn't want to admit to herself of what she did.
I hate to think it keeps being about sex for me because I am not single minded. But after all this, I think I am the nice guy that she won't ever respect again or be hot for, the one that keeps forgiving her for lying to me (money, kids, first affair?). She needs that jerk bad boy in her life that will treat her like crap but at least he is someone she will respect, but from all the evidence over the last few years, it isn't me.
I think I need to stand up and finally be the man and leave since she won't. I want it all, I want her to love me like I love her and want me like I still want her these many years later in life. I believe in honor and trust and she doesn't. Maybe after cycling through a few new relationships where she gets that initial high where they tell her how amazing she is and she is sexually interested she will realize what she has lost, what she could have done to walk arm in arm with me through my trials instead of adding so much to my pain and pushing me back down each time I had my head a little bit above water. Maybe.
Thanks for listening to my rambling folks it helps to just let some of this out because I have no one in my life to talk to.
I sure hope your personal stories end in happiness.
I am not sure why I am writing, but it feels good to share no matter the result.
I found out my wife was in affair about two months back. To say that I have been badly hurt is an understatement that everyone here can understand. I lost a close friend to cancer years ago and somehow this loss is even worse. I hate to admit that to myself, but it is true. This was the one thing that my wife and I always said would NEVER happen to us, that we would simply leave each other as friends before breaking each other's hearts with this level of betrayl and disregard for the other one. We have seen our friends divorce over affairs and discussed this very topic, "how could they hurt them like that? why didn't they simply leave?".
In any case, when I found out, she was basically not even sorry, said he filled a void that I hadn't in a long time. I have been depressed for a few years when my business went under and it seemed to take my self confidence to all time low levels. I think it brought up many fears and thoughts of shyness and rejection from my childhood if I am honest with my own self. My wife has straight up told me she lost respect for me, that I was no longer a provider for the family (because I didn't jump back into another job hell I hated and start again) and I created a sad state for her and the kids. This is a rough road, and my damn brain paints such a bleak everything now. I don't want to wake up in the morning. I don't want to be here anymore.
I am not disagreeing that I created a bad situation for my family by not breaking out of my 'funk' and just pushing through. I get it. But, I also know that she could have done so many things to pull me up from that darkness. She could have dragged me upstairs to bed regularily and showed me I was her guy, she could have held my hand so I knew that no matter what we were going to work through this together. She could have done the few things I asked of her during that period that I needed. But, she didn't, she chose herself and what she wanted every step of the way, alt the way to lying to me so many times and spending nights with another man. I still can't believe it, that's how much I trusted her to my very core. Picturing her with him sleeping at night cuddled together is I think even worse than the awful images of the nights of sex I know she is capable of.
So, after talking we decided to try again - and I feel like I have done most of the apologizing for pushing her away. She won't tell me who it is, simply that I don't know him. I don't know who in our friend group knows and is basically laughing at me behind my back. I don't want anyone to know that my wife was with another man, I am so ashamed to my core. I don't think I could live with that. She has told me before that her friends ask her why she stays with this sad person when she is the light of the party. Of course, they don't see how sad and down she is regularily in 'real life' and it's easy to be happy go lucky at the bars a couple times a week.
We are spending quality time together, we are affectionate like we haven't been in years. I have been working on ME. Even if it doesn't work out at least I finally get that I need to break out and find myself again. But Ironincally this has both been a wake up call and a huge blow to my ego that is keeping me from fighting my way back. Back to, if she had simply been there for me truly a year ago loving me like crazy I think I could have.
I believe that she has cut off ties to the OM, but there is no way to know with all the phone apps today and she has no plans to let me have access to her phone or to prove anything beyond her word.
Our sex life before this was a rare event, once every four to six weeks and even then it was a quickie or something. It didn't matter what I planned, purchased, did. And today two months later we have had one encounter while we were drinking. I would think if the situation was reversed that I would be doing everything to prove to her that I wanted her that way. She has barely touched me sexually. She says she isn't sure if maybe things will go back to the original ways and she doesn't know when she will feel that way again. I want to wait and build up our relationship to what it was at the start (damn good), but this constant physical rejection makes me question if she is staying simply because she doesn't want to hurt me anymore, doesn't want to hurt our children, doesn't want to admit to herself of what she did.
I hate to think it keeps being about sex for me because I am not single minded. But after all this, I think I am the nice guy that she won't ever respect again or be hot for, the one that keeps forgiving her for lying to me (money, kids, first affair?). She needs that jerk bad boy in her life that will treat her like crap but at least he is someone she will respect, but from all the evidence over the last few years, it isn't me.
I think I need to stand up and finally be the man and leave since she won't. I want it all, I want her to love me like I love her and want me like I still want her these many years later in life. I believe in honor and trust and she doesn't. Maybe after cycling through a few new relationships where she gets that initial high where they tell her how amazing she is and she is sexually interested she will realize what she has lost, what she could have done to walk arm in arm with me through my trials instead of adding so much to my pain and pushing me back down each time I had my head a little bit above water. Maybe.
Thanks for listening to my rambling folks it helps to just let some of this out because I have no one in my life to talk to.
I sure hope your personal stories end in happiness.