Thanks to all who have shared their stories. It has helped me lots to read the process and the replies.

I am not sure why I am writing, but it feels good to share no matter the result.

I found out my wife was in affair about two months back. To say that I have been badly hurt is an understatement that everyone here can understand. I lost a close friend to cancer years ago and somehow this loss is even worse. I hate to admit that to myself, but it is true. This was the one thing that my wife and I always said would NEVER happen to us, that we would simply leave each other as friends before breaking each other's hearts with this level of betrayl and disregard for the other one. We have seen our friends divorce over affairs and discussed this very topic, "how could they hurt them like that? why didn't they simply leave?".

In any case, when I found out, she was basically not even sorry, said he filled a void that I hadn't in a long time. I have been depressed for a few years when my business went under and it seemed to take my self confidence to all time low levels. I think it brought up many fears and thoughts of shyness and rejection from my childhood if I am honest with my own self. My wife has straight up told me she lost respect for me, that I was no longer a provider for the family (because I didn't jump back into another job hell I hated and start again) and I created a sad state for her and the kids. This is a rough road, and my damn brain paints such a bleak everything now. I don't want to wake up in the morning. I don't want to be here anymore.

I am not disagreeing that I created a bad situation for my family by not breaking out of my 'funk' and just pushing through. I get it. But, I also know that she could have done so many things to pull me up from that darkness. She could have dragged me upstairs to bed regularily and showed me I was her guy, she could have held my hand so I knew that no matter what we were going to work through this together. She could have done the few things I asked of her during that period that I needed. But, she didn't, she chose herself and what she wanted every step of the way, alt the way to lying to me so many times and spending nights with another man. I still can't believe it, that's how much I trusted her to my very core. Picturing her with him sleeping at night cuddled together is I think even worse than the awful images of the nights of sex I know she is capable of.

So, after talking we decided to try again - and I feel like I have done most of the apologizing for pushing her away. She won't tell me who it is, simply that I don't know him. I don't know who in our friend group knows and is basically laughing at me behind my back. I don't want anyone to know that my wife was with another man, I am so ashamed to my core. I don't think I could live with that. She has told me before that her friends ask her why she stays with this sad person when she is the light of the party. Of course, they don't see how sad and down she is regularily in 'real life' and it's easy to be happy go lucky at the bars a couple times a week.

We are spending quality time together, we are affectionate like we haven't been in years. I have been working on ME. Even if it doesn't work out at least I finally get that I need to break out and find myself again. But Ironincally this has both been a wake up call and a huge blow to my ego that is keeping me from fighting my way back. Back to, if she had simply been there for me truly a year ago loving me like crazy I think I could have.

I believe that she has cut off ties to the OM, but there is no way to know with all the phone apps today and she has no plans to let me have access to her phone or to prove anything beyond her word.

Our sex life before this was a rare event, once every four to six weeks and even then it was a quickie or something. It didn't matter what I planned, purchased, did. And today two months later we have had one encounter while we were drinking. I would think if the situation was reversed that I would be doing everything to prove to her that I wanted her that way. She has barely touched me sexually. She says she isn't sure if maybe things will go back to the original ways and she doesn't know when she will feel that way again. I want to wait and build up our relationship to what it was at the start (damn good), but this constant physical rejection makes me question if she is staying simply because she doesn't want to hurt me anymore, doesn't want to hurt our children, doesn't want to admit to herself of what she did.

I hate to think it keeps being about sex for me because I am not single minded. But after all this, I think I am the nice guy that she won't ever respect again or be hot for, the one that keeps forgiving her for lying to me (money, kids, first affair?). She needs that jerk bad boy in her life that will treat her like crap but at least he is someone she will respect, but from all the evidence over the last few years, it isn't me.

I think I need to stand up and finally be the man and leave since she won't. I want it all, I want her to love me like I love her and want me like I still want her these many years later in life. I believe in honor and trust and she doesn't. Maybe after cycling through a few new relationships where she gets that initial high where they tell her how amazing she is and she is sexually interested she will realize what she has lost, what she could have done to walk arm in arm with me through my trials instead of adding so much to my pain and pushing me back down each time I had my head a little bit above water. Maybe.

Thanks for listening to my rambling folks it helps to just let some of this out because I have no one in my life to talk to.

I sure hope your personal stories end in happiness.

Welcome to MB and sorry for what has brought you here. You have found the best chance of Surviving an affair. You need a plan and Dr. Harley has a plan, but you must follow it.

Have you read much of Dr. Harley’s basic concepts or articles? Have you read anything about Plan A and Plan B?

You need to figure out who OM (other man) is. You can not recover your marriage until the affair has been killed.

Don’t take the word from your WW (wayward wife). She will tell you it’s over and then continue the affair.

Put spyware in her phone. And put a VAR in her car. When can you do this?
Have you spoke to your doctor about anti-depressants?

Please read and watch the video in STEPS TO HELP YOUR MARRIAGE SURVIVE INFIDELITY

Thank you for the response. I have studied the site and agree with most of the advice Dr. Harley gives. It's an amazing resource.

I am unable to put spyware on her phone. She has a swipe style pin number and I don't know it. If I had access to her phone pin number I could look in general, but part of me thinks it would simply break me more to see the details of her affair with him. I can't imagine digging into the pictures or loving notes they exchanged.

Anyway, she is now asking for a so-called trial separation. I have told her simply that I don't believe I can wait for her to figure it out and I may not be here if she chooses to come back. I don't believe in giving ultimatums because I think it gives you a false read on where her heart truly is so if she decides to leave then I will soon after file for a divorce. This is one part of the advice I disagree with that saw in the letter responses here where he says after giving them up to six months of separations they may come back. I don't want her back if she leaves. I am willing to take my part of the responsibility with the failure of our relationship and even making the affair a possibility, but this is a now or never situation. If she wants to go find herself (and likely continue trying with the other guy), then I am completely done forever. Not sure why anyone would do otherwise.

Lately she has been lashing out at me in small ways about the past state of our relationship, pointing out how I failed or didn't listen to her. I take it calmly and let it go hoping she will turn around and finally come to terms with how she treated me as well that led us here. She briefly says our relationship issues are also partly her fault, but never says what she did or didn't do over these years. She has never really taken responsibility before so I expect she never will.

She still refuses to tell me who he is - he could be a good friend of mine for all I know, so I am stuck wondering when we go out or meet our friends if one of these guys is the one I am chatting with. This drags on my soul. She is either protecting someone I know (she says no), or herself somehow (tinder?), or a friend of hers that made the connection. Hell I don't know.

So, it looks like we are done. If she packs up this week to try a separation then I am done. At least I will some type closure and begin moving on instead of being in this hell every day.


I don't know what else to do at this point.

Thanks again for your input.

You shouldn't move out if she goes ahead with the separation, and you should not let her take the children. How old are the children?

re the house etc. I've seen that advice and understand the reasons for it. I will consider it. I know these situations can go downhill quickly. Naive or not, I am actually not concerned with the divorce or custody component. I'd rather not share details on the kids. But, I will say they are both tired of her breaking promises to them, her selfish behaviour, and even her partying/drinking has finally caught up to them. They are old enough to see her better I guess. I do my very best to not share anything I feel on the matter. I won't even hint at her infidelity to them, but they are also not stupid. It will be a big wake up call for her when they ask to live with me as I take care of them, house, dinner, school work by a large measure.

But, at this time I am asking that she moves out if she wants to separate. Thanks for the response, I truly appreciate it.

I've been reading and watching videos on infidelity and I think I need a break. It's all too much. I don't understand why someone who says they love you (even if not 'in love' anymore) would choose to hurt us so very badly. But, putting intention and understanding to another's mind is a losing battle. We look at this through our own moral and life view and it seems impossible. I am a grown man and I have to hide in the bathroom to keep my kids from seeing my grief as it catches me off guard during the day. I want to give in to it, but at least I have them to take care of.

Why aren't you telling them about her affair?

Who said this? On this site? Dr Harley never recommends separation to give "space" to a spouse who is having an affair. Can you provide a link, please?

Casem77,

The path that saves a marriage from an affair is narrow and Dr. Harley is quite specific in the steps needed. There is a summary at this link on this website:

https://www.marriagebuilders.com/how-to-survive-an-affair.htm

From your message, you are not (yet) following Dr. Harley's path. You first have to make sure the affair is broken up. If you do not know who the affair partner was, how can you be sure the affair is broken up? You cannot trust what your wife says. She has already proven you can't by hiding the affair from you. You need to find out who it was.

Also, who knows about the affair? Does your family? Her family? Your kids also need to be told so they understand what is causing this turmoil. There is a method to going through this step, which is called exposure. The vets here can help you with that step by step and also provide templates on how it is done.

https://www.marriagebuilders.com/when-should-an-affair-be-exposed.htm

Your wife is possibly still involved in the affair, or the affair has recently rekindled and the 'trial separation' will allow her to carry on the affair with you out of the way. You need to have a plan, a strategy, to save your marriage if this is what you want. If you want to divorce and move on, that is also understandable. Dr. Harley's plan is your best bet on saving your marriage if that is what you want, but you must follow the steps without deviation as described in his book Surviving an Affair.

You can start this by yourself, but later your wife also has to join you in saving your marriage, and that includes full transparency about the affair. She is nowhere near that as you describe her.

SugarCane, you are correct - I remembered it wrong. it was the letter where he says "But, if at the end of six months, she refuses to stop seeing her lover and doesn't seem to be responding to your efforts, tell her that you can't take the pain any longer and move out of your house." but that was a situation where she was still at home and he was working to convince her to stay with him while she was still seeing the other lover. That would be even worse in my book, but different paths.


Blackhawk, thanks for the reply. Yes, you are correct I must find out who this person is regardless. And yes, she is definitely nowhere yet near wanting to do join me fully in this effort.

On exposure, I don't want to shame her into being with me or have others convince her. If she doesn't want to stay on her own then so be it. I don't want the kids to shame her into it certainly.

I get that I am not following the plan in all the elements. Much of his advice I have taken to heart and implemented.


Thanks to all.

You should certainly want to shame her into ending the affair.

There are many immoral things that all of us would do under the perfect storm of circumstances, and having an affair is one of them. We would not commit most immoral acts if everyone could see us doing them, and again, having an affair comes under this umbrella. There are selfish things that we would not do behind our spouse's back if we knew we would have to account to them one day for why we hurt them so willingly - again, an affair comes in here.

However, if a person can do a bad thing in secret, they might well do it for a long time. Bringing the cruel conduct of an affair to light is an extremely effective way to get the affair partners to end it themselves. You'd be stupid to pass up that opportunity. It's not about shaming her into staying with you - she might not stay with you - it's about shaming her into ending the cruel and bad behaviour that hurts you and her own children. How could she continue hurting her children once they knew about it and showed that they were devastated by it? Some people could continue; some people leave the family home and even marry the affair partner, losing touch with their kids in the process - but many cannot. Which one is she?

Dr Harley's advice is action oriented, and it is all based on his observations, over decades of working as a clinical psychologist and marriage coach, of what works. I can't begin to fathom why you would reject taking his recommendations based on what works, in favour of following your own feelings. Don't you want to take every opportunity to end the affair? Isn't that why you're posting here?

Have you read Exposure 101 ? It explains Dr. Harley's stand on exposure and why it is important.

What is your plan to find out who the OM is?