Have I Done It All Wrong? Are We Too Far Gone?? - 05/20/21 06:05 AM
DDay was a little over one month ago. After being shell shocked, and not really being sure of what direction I wanted to go, I’ve recently decided that I want to save my marriage. It looks hopeless to everyone I’ve shared my story with, and the overwhelming advice I’ve received has been to move on with my life and divorce this SOB. But that’s not what’s in my heart. I can’t let go, until I feel like I’ve done everything I could do, regardless of how awful he is being.
I’ve made posts on Reddit, which I will link below for those who would like to read the excruciating details.
But here I will summarize as much as I can:
-WH and I have been together 14 years, married 4. We have no children.
-I found out on April 15th that he’d had a physical and emotional affair with a former co-worker. I caught them talking on the phone late at night. As far as I’ve been able to get out of him, the physical aspect of the affair had only been going on for about a week prior to DDay. The emotional aspect, I don’t know. But the max is 3 months, because that is the length of time they’ve known each other.
- When confronted about the affair, WH told me that he only cheated because he was drunk (he is an alcoholic), but that he hasn’t been happy anyway. A bunch of nonsense about me holding him hostage for 14 years. He loves me, but isn’t in love anymore. He wants a divorce. I let him take the apartment. I moved in with my sister.
- We barely communicated over the next few weeks, when we did it was via text. His arguments about the affair started out with him defensively trying to rewrite history, with tales of him being trapped, but they quickly changed to sad goodbye texts where he tells me I was a great wife, he loved the time we shared, but he needs to find happiness elsewhere. Here is one such text:
- WH and I are still on the same phone plan, so I can see that they are still talking to each. Without knowing anything about exposure techniques, and the proper way to do things. Sheerly out of anger, I exposed the affair to his parents and the OW parents. I just didn’t want them to be able to present each other to their families and act as if they’re a legitimate couple. WH was livid when I contacted the OW’s father. We got into a nasty text fight, and that ended all communication.
- One day I decided to call him to ask about a financial matter, during that call he told me that he’d just been released from the hospital because he’d gotten blackout drunk, and apparently walked into a police station and told them that he wanted to kill himself. They had him admitted into the hospital. I speak to his dad, who wants my help getting him into a treatment program for his depression and addiction. I send WH info on some programs. He basically replies, thanks, but no thanks. Doesn’t think he needs rehab, just help with his depression. I decide to wash my hands of it.
- A couple days later, WH calls me out of the blue. He’s crying, telling me how miserable his life has become. He hates what he’s done. Can’t bare to be in the apartment alone. It no longer feels like a home. When he opens his eyes in the morning, he still expects me to be there lying next to him. He says that he doesn’t want us to be enemies. He doesn’t want to fight with me anymore. He’s made an appointment to see a psychiatrist about his depression. I was hesitant, but this opened the lines of communication again. We ended up talking that entire week for 3-4+ hours per night. There was no real talk of reconciliation, but at my request we decided to postpone any divorce filings. And WH more than once brought up examples of couples who had survived infidelity, and “who knows what could happen in the future”. However, I became aware by checking his phone records that he was still talking to and seeing the OW.
-We made plans to meet up so that he could visit with our dog. It would be our first time seeing each other since DDay. We were supposed to spend the day together. Take the dog to the park, grab something to eat, watch a movie at his place. It was an awkward reunion for the both of us, and halfway through he made up an excuse to cut it short. Said he had a thing to do at work suddenly, and that he was going bowling with the guys later. I didn’t take it well. I wanted him to stick it out, and push through the uncomfortable feelings. Like I always do. He said that he couldn’t. He needs baby steps. He says he can barely look me in the face. He feels like how he imagines a murderer feels when they have to face their victim’s family. I’m everything I don’t want to be in this moment: I’m begging, pleading, clinging... fruitlessly. Finally, we say goodbye. He tells me, “btw, you look beautiful today. I’ll call you later”. His phone records show that he called the OW less than 10 minutes after I left.
I’ve been distraught the last few days over this disaster of a meetup. He didn’t call me until yesterday. I didn’t talk. Told him I’d call him when he got home from work. I just wanted to avoid talking to him. I don’t want to do or say anything else wrong. I don’t want anymore damage done. I’ve just been flailing around doing whatever I think is right, without any plan. And I have no idea what’s going on in his head. One minute he seems sorrowful that I’m not in his life, but then he’s ditching me again for the OW.
Where do I go from here? Is it too late for our marriage? Can I still do Plan A or Plan B? I haven’t actually told him that I want to fix the marriage or asked him to stop seeing the OW. Those seemed like two things he’d obviously reject at the moment, and I’m tired of being hurt and disappointed. Plan B doesn’t seem like it would work now since our latest interactions haven’t been the most pleasant.
I’m looking for advice on what to do next, that doesn’t include forgetting him and filling for divorce. That’s the only advice I’ve gotten thus far, as you can see in the links below.
***EDIT***
I’ve made posts on Reddit, which I will link below for those who would like to read the excruciating details.
But here I will summarize as much as I can:
-WH and I have been together 14 years, married 4. We have no children.
-I found out on April 15th that he’d had a physical and emotional affair with a former co-worker. I caught them talking on the phone late at night. As far as I’ve been able to get out of him, the physical aspect of the affair had only been going on for about a week prior to DDay. The emotional aspect, I don’t know. But the max is 3 months, because that is the length of time they’ve known each other.
- When confronted about the affair, WH told me that he only cheated because he was drunk (he is an alcoholic), but that he hasn’t been happy anyway. A bunch of nonsense about me holding him hostage for 14 years. He loves me, but isn’t in love anymore. He wants a divorce. I let him take the apartment. I moved in with my sister.
- We barely communicated over the next few weeks, when we did it was via text. His arguments about the affair started out with him defensively trying to rewrite history, with tales of him being trapped, but they quickly changed to sad goodbye texts where he tells me I was a great wife, he loved the time we shared, but he needs to find happiness elsewhere. Here is one such text:
Quote
T-----, I don’t know what to say. All I can say right now is how incredibly sorry I am. The times we’ve spent together were amazing and I’ll always keep them special to me. Your a good woman and even better wife. I hate that your hurting and I wish that it didn't end the way it did. You deserve so much better than me. I hope you and I can find the happiness that we want. I truly do love and miss you. I’ll always miss every moment we shared. Your laughter, your touch, your kisses, your warm embrace I will miss all of it. I’m sorry I can’t be that person for you. I will only hurt you more and more and eventually it will be too late for us to start anew. I’ve done some [censored] up [censored] in my life but this I regret the most. Making you cry, making you sad, disrespecting our marriage and love, all of it I regret and will always be ashamed of it. We need to move forward with our lives and find whatever it is that will keep us happy, but we have to do it alone. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry!!!! I know I can’t say it enough to make you feel better but I hope one day you will forgive me.!
- WH and I are still on the same phone plan, so I can see that they are still talking to each. Without knowing anything about exposure techniques, and the proper way to do things. Sheerly out of anger, I exposed the affair to his parents and the OW parents. I just didn’t want them to be able to present each other to their families and act as if they’re a legitimate couple. WH was livid when I contacted the OW’s father. We got into a nasty text fight, and that ended all communication.
- One day I decided to call him to ask about a financial matter, during that call he told me that he’d just been released from the hospital because he’d gotten blackout drunk, and apparently walked into a police station and told them that he wanted to kill himself. They had him admitted into the hospital. I speak to his dad, who wants my help getting him into a treatment program for his depression and addiction. I send WH info on some programs. He basically replies, thanks, but no thanks. Doesn’t think he needs rehab, just help with his depression. I decide to wash my hands of it.
- A couple days later, WH calls me out of the blue. He’s crying, telling me how miserable his life has become. He hates what he’s done. Can’t bare to be in the apartment alone. It no longer feels like a home. When he opens his eyes in the morning, he still expects me to be there lying next to him. He says that he doesn’t want us to be enemies. He doesn’t want to fight with me anymore. He’s made an appointment to see a psychiatrist about his depression. I was hesitant, but this opened the lines of communication again. We ended up talking that entire week for 3-4+ hours per night. There was no real talk of reconciliation, but at my request we decided to postpone any divorce filings. And WH more than once brought up examples of couples who had survived infidelity, and “who knows what could happen in the future”. However, I became aware by checking his phone records that he was still talking to and seeing the OW.
-We made plans to meet up so that he could visit with our dog. It would be our first time seeing each other since DDay. We were supposed to spend the day together. Take the dog to the park, grab something to eat, watch a movie at his place. It was an awkward reunion for the both of us, and halfway through he made up an excuse to cut it short. Said he had a thing to do at work suddenly, and that he was going bowling with the guys later. I didn’t take it well. I wanted him to stick it out, and push through the uncomfortable feelings. Like I always do. He said that he couldn’t. He needs baby steps. He says he can barely look me in the face. He feels like how he imagines a murderer feels when they have to face their victim’s family. I’m everything I don’t want to be in this moment: I’m begging, pleading, clinging... fruitlessly. Finally, we say goodbye. He tells me, “btw, you look beautiful today. I’ll call you later”. His phone records show that he called the OW less than 10 minutes after I left.
I’ve been distraught the last few days over this disaster of a meetup. He didn’t call me until yesterday. I didn’t talk. Told him I’d call him when he got home from work. I just wanted to avoid talking to him. I don’t want to do or say anything else wrong. I don’t want anymore damage done. I’ve just been flailing around doing whatever I think is right, without any plan. And I have no idea what’s going on in his head. One minute he seems sorrowful that I’m not in his life, but then he’s ditching me again for the OW.
Where do I go from here? Is it too late for our marriage? Can I still do Plan A or Plan B? I haven’t actually told him that I want to fix the marriage or asked him to stop seeing the OW. Those seemed like two things he’d obviously reject at the moment, and I’m tired of being hurt and disappointed. Plan B doesn’t seem like it would work now since our latest interactions haven’t been the most pleasant.
I’m looking for advice on what to do next, that doesn’t include forgetting him and filling for divorce. That’s the only advice I’ve gotten thus far, as you can see in the links below.
***EDIT***