I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place. I understand that Bible tells you to leave your parents and cleave to your spouse. And although I had an A and my husband wants a D, I am still fighting for my M and hoping for reconciliation, so I am still trying to hold true to that verse. My allegiance, in my eyes, should be first and foremost to my H before my parents.

So here is my situation. My H drives a car that is in my father's name ... it was something they bought me in college and he now drives. The title was never transferred over (despite the numerous times I asked my parents to do it). My H, who was in charge of paying bills, put off paying the car insurance bill until we had more money, and the insurance company dropped us. During this time, my H was in an accident in the car registered to my parents. Because of this situation, my parents insurance company has now been involved, and they are upset at me. I have my parents calling me and yelling at me, and my brother calling me and yelling at me and calling me names. But things that they have asked could put my very fragile M in jeopardy, and I can't risk that. I love my H more than anything and I do not want to in any way disrespect him, but that means that I am allowing my family to disrespect me. I think this all would be easier on me if I had the support of my H, but right now I don't have the support of anyone.

I'm not really sure what the point of posting this was either than having a safe place to vent.

Your parents have no excuse for treating you poorly. They contributed to the problem by failing to transfer the title as requested, under whatever misguided reason they chose. Your brother has even less reason to be involved, other than to be a [censored].

In short, your M is your top priority If that means cutting off your family, then so be it. There will always be time for reparations/recriminations later.

So work on the thumper principle. If they don't have anything nice to say, hang up. So conversations are specifically related to the accident, that are courteous and professional are acceptable, and as soon as they deterioriate, hang up.

It sounds callous, but its' not. Parent's don't get some special "privilege" to abuse their kids, and you are under no special obligation during this circumstance to "take it".

Your parents lack of understanding in this situation especially with respect to the fragility of your marriage is particularly galling. But that's their problem. Don't allow it to become yours.

Hello

I don't think you've given us enough information. You do need to put your husband first. At the same time, I do think you need to respect your parents too. For example, if you and your H have done something which hurt your parents don't you have an obligation to amend the situation. For example, if the accident is resulting in your parents being held responsible for your choices, how can this be right? I don't know if that is the situation, because you haven't given any details.

EM...I am sorry if I didn't give you enough information. I wrote that shortly after getting of the phone with my brother. I was really upset about it and just needed to vent.

Yes, I know that it is my responsibility to amend a situation if my H and I are doing something that is hurting my parents. But should it be at the expense of my H?


I'm not entirely sure what you meant by them being held responsible for my choices. What choices of mine are you referring to? My choice to follow the Bible and support my H first?

I am not saying that I am trying to screw over my parents, because I am not. But I also don't want to screw over my H. What I am trying to do is help my H come to a realization of just what situation is (which is kind of hard right now since he doesn't really want to listen to me).

You said that I need to put my H first but also respect my parents. Well, there are certain situations when those two are, in fact, mutually exclusive. And if my parents are asking me to do things that are not putting my H first, then they are, in my mind, disrespecting me.

Can you be more specific? What are your parents asking you to do?

Cinnymd

I guess for example, if what you would be required to do would be to lie for your husband or to do something illegal I would definitely draw the line there. If your parents are asking you to take financial resposibility you probably should do that. If your parents want you to ask the OM to fix the car that would definitely be a problem. I'm not trying to start an argument about the bible, and Im sorry if I miscummunicated and made you think so. I felt simply that we don't have enough information to understand the situation. It would be more helpful to have more details, if you are comfortable with that.

Thanks, Em

I can't exactly just come right out and saw what my parents are asking me to do. They certainly aren't asking OM to fix the car. They have never met OM and don't even know his name, let alone have they even met him.

I have no problem taking financial responsibility, or rather my H has no problem with it and has said he would.

I'm not quite sure what details I can provide. Suggestions?

Well you are asking advice on whether to do as your parents asked, which you feel could put your M in jeopardy. You seem uncomfortable sharing what they have asked you to do. It's hard to understand your situation without understanding all that, but if you are uncomfortable then I certainly respect that. You owe respect and honesty and loyalty to your H, and respect and honesty to your parents, but the loyalty definitely belongs with your H.

Good luck to you Cinnymd

Em...I wasn't really looking for advice, because I know what I am doing as right. My loyalty is to my H. I was just looking for a place to vent, because I can't do that with my H right now.

I think you need to stand up for your husband but you also need to take responosibility for the probably illegal thing that has happened. You need to bear in mind that it could affect their insurance rates.

You AND your husband need to jointly take responsibility for that choice.

Been there - done that. It wasn't good. I paid a great price for that.

You need to make the situation right for everyone. And stand by your husband while you do it.

That was kind of my plan. Stand by my H first, while taking care of the problem. The only thing is, my parents wanted me to be thoughtless of my H, and I refused. This has really strained my R with my family. My brother isn't talking to me, and I haven't talked to my parents in a few weeks too.

.

Your husband made a mistake-- pretty big one. But you are married to him and you should choose his side. As long as your husband isn't asking you to be dishonest I say you should stick by him. Apologize to your parents for the situation they are in, tell them you are embarassed and feel irresponsible. Remind them that you love them. But tell them that you committed to this man 100% when you married him and that at the end of the day you have to take his side. Apologize that you have to take his side but be firm that that is what you HAVE to do. If they push beyond that, hang up on them or tell them you'll only accept emails till they start respecting you.

Wow, it is interesting that it has been exactly two months to the day since I first posted that.

And it has also been two months since my parents have talked to me.

I sense some sarcasm or bitterness wether you did the right thing or got good advice but personally I think you did. It's a shame your parents aren't talking to you but once married, sticking by your husband-- even when he's being a [censored] is the right thing to do. Hopefully, in time, your parents will come around. The right thing to do is not always the easiest to do and I think this is one of those situations.

I know that I did the right thing and that my parents are being immature at the moment. This week is going to be particularly hard for me though. Since things aren't still quite reconciled with my H, he is going to leave the state to spend Thanksgiving with his family and he doesn't feel comfortable having me there ... and yet I have no family of my own to spend it with. So I will be alone.

Say WHAT?! You stick up for him and he doesn't feel "comfortable" taking you to his parent's home?! It's a shame that he's not showing you the same respect that you showed him!

Out of curiosity, what is it that he thinks you have done that he's not ready for you to hang out with your parents yet?

His immediate family won't even be at Thanksgiving. It is just aunts, uncles, and cousins. I am a LONG way off before interacting in any way shape or form with his immediate family.

What have I done that makes him think he is not ready for me to hang out with his parents? I had an affair and his whole family hates me because of it. They don't even know that we are working on reconciliation right now. They probably still think he is gung ho towards divorce.

Sounds complicated. I don't blame him for not being ready to have you at his parent's house. None the less, you did the right thing by sticking up for your husband with his situation about the car. It's terrible that they aren't speaking to you but at least you can know in your heart that you did the right thing.

I understand that he isn't ready to have me at his parent's house, but that is not where he went for Thanksgiving. He went to his aunt's house. That is a much different situation.

You need to get the title to the car or give the car back and pay them for the damage.

If you're "all grown up" and married, act like it.

Don't make excuses ("I really need the car") for keeping it if they don't let you have it. Just give it back.

Their insurance compnay should not be involved unless it is still financed.

Chris,
Please don't assume you know the whole story and accuse me of not acting "all grown up." The car is MINE, not my parents. The car is completely paid for.

I have done nothing here that could be construed in any way as immature, though plenty of people have said that about my parents.

Cinny I'm sure it was difficult for you being alone, but as you notice it's the day after and you are still here by God's grace. I had a sad Thanksgiving myself. My 18 year old daughter is in the hospital with a psychotic breakdown and I don't know when she will be well. But I know God is with us in the good and troubled times. And if it's the same aunt you have written about that you seem to have a good relationship with, I'm sure that it was disappointing that your husband did not invite you to go along. I hope you got a chance to read my devotional today. God really is there with you. He is molding you, shaping you, and building you each and every day. Never forget how much Christ loves you.

I read your devotional every day and I even forward it on to some people at work and everyone seems to enjoy it.

My husband spent Thanksgiving with three families of aunts, uncles, and cousins. He stayed one night with the aunt that I am close to and two nights with another aunt who I have at least stayed with a few times.

Things at least appear to be looking up but nothing has been done yet to stop the divorce process, which really worries me.

I can understand your worry. We all fear things which we have no control over. It's like being in a falling air plane. The only thing we can do is pray and have faith God will have mercy on our situation. But if He doesn't He has better reason and a purpose beyond our understanding. So the best thing we can do is let go of the worry knowing God is in control and that He has already plotted the path. It's difficult to do because we are human, but if we can grasp that the master of the universe is watching over every detail then we can be at ease that He has the best interest of all at heart.

I got a letter today from my attorney. He got a letter from my H's attorney and sent me a copy. It said...

"I would like to move forward with this in an expeditious fashion...Specifically, this is a short-term marriage with a marital residence and debt. I propose that we appraise the marital residence, determine the amount of equity, and divide same through its sale. The marital debts should be divided equally and it should be easy for our clients to divide their personal property. Finally, they should retain their own automobiles and pay for the same.

Please let me know your position on this issue. I can draft a marital settlement agreement, Answer/Waiver, and Final Judgement of Dissolution of Marriage within one week if we can agree on the issues outlined above."

Man, that was quite the blow considering how things had been looking recently.

There is no reason to rush this. So you have no incentive to contribute to your own D.

Of course, you need to make sure that you're protected and such, but you don't have to go out of your way to make it easy. Time works in your favor.

Letters from attorneys are always about negotiations. They are always trying to push a favorable condition for their client and intimidate the other person. Don't take what is said in the letter personally. Your husband was probably asked if he is continuing with the divorce and he said yes, and in turn the lawyer sent out a letter. I'm sure your husbands primary concern is finances, which is what most people are concerned with and so the issues around money are raised.

All you need to do is let your lawyer know that you are not in a rush to settle. Remember this is about negotiation and you have to remove the personal element (although hard to do) from the conversations. Ask your lawyer what your options are and what is the best way to proceed. The mort time you take, the more possibilty there is for restoration.

But also remember the results are in the hands of the Lord and He knows what plan will work best for the future. I'm still praying for you.

I didn't bring up the letter to my H, but instead called his/our friend to vent about. His/our friend in turned talked to H about it, who then discussed it with me. So apparently here is the story behind the letter.

H's lawyer had been trying to get in contact with H, but H never answered the phone. For whatever reason, he was afraid to tell his lawyer to back off from the process (apparently at the beginning he told his lawyer that there was no way he would ever back off from the divorce). Because he never told his lawyer anything different, his lawyer continued to do what he was paid to do. And so he sent out the letter. When my H came home last night, he read the letter and then ripped it up and told me to ignore it. He also told me that he left a message with his lawyer.

So maybe I got worked up over nothing. But if ever this was a place to get worked up, this is a safe place to do it!