Thanks for the input. I've decided not to give him the letter. You guys are right. I think it would only make things worse and in a way it was an attempt at getting my needs met....perhaps not the best attempt.
I think it's important that you clearly communicate how you feel as best possible. If you feel a letter is the best way to accomplish that, i.e. if you may feel unsafe speaking directly to your H about difficult issues, afraid that you may react negatively, then a letter may be a good route to consider at least.
And the whole football game thing. I wish it were me entering his cave and it was something he enjoys doing alone. However, we have season tickets with his family and we put on a big tailgate and all that. If I can't go to a game, he is disappointed. Football is one of his passions and he has expressed that he is happy when he can share that with me. If I do not go to the games, I will hardly see him at all during football season.
I guess I kind of am keeping score and need to work on that. It is so hard to find things we both like to do. Our interests are completely opposite and I usually end up caving in just to spend time with him. I will download the surveys and fill them out. Thanks.
There is one survey designed to help you two figure out recreational activities that you can both share and help meet each other's EN's. In general, MB states that in many cases, men need RC and SF EN's met, and women need Affection and Conversation EN's met. Quite obviously your involvement in your H's love of football is meeting his RC EN. Ideally, you both want to figure out ways where you're killing multiple birds with one stone, i.e. your primary EN's get met by sharing certain activities together. I'm not sure what your primary EN's are, perhaps you can enlighten me in this respect. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> So if your H really wants you to meet his RC need by attending football games, then perhaps you can enthusiastically do so, however after the game he then does something specifically to meet your primary EN's enthusiastically, whatever that activity may be.
As for our financial plan. It's Dave Ramsey's Total money makeover. It's a great plan. He just doesn't go into the how to focus on a marriage and the process of getting out of debt at the same time. My H is very goal oriented, which is one of the reasons I love him. However, when he shoots for a goal (gettting out of debt) he gets tunnel vision and tends not to see other things going on around him. The website for the financial plan is this
www.mytotalmoneymakeover.comInteresting, not familiar with that specific plan. How does it deal with recreational activity during the process of paying down debt? Does it account for this at all? I tend to favor approaches that preach balance, like 50 percent of income goes toward "needs", 30 percent toward "wants", 20 percent toward savings (this includes retirement contributions, both voluntary and forced - so 20% isn't as much as people think when you add forced/voluntary retirement into the equation). If your "needs" (i.e. any contractual obligations, mortgages, liens, car loans, leases, food/household expenses, etc.) are greater than 50% of your take home pay, then chances are your finances are out of balance and you're feeling it on multiple levels. One book that covers this concept fairly well is "All Your Worth" though it's got some pitfalls/areas of disagreement I generally agree with the approach written in this book.
So, this is my plan.
1.) I've already let my H know that it hurts us when he works overtime every day. He has decided not to take a job
Saturday. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Sounds like you have a need for quality time with your H.
2.) I will reread HN/HN and ask my husband if he will fill out the surveys with me. Also, I've started reading the Men are from mars....book.
3.) I will check out the other surveys on this site.
4.) I will sit down with my husband and make a list of things we like to do together and things we like to do separately...and maybe plan a few of those things we like to do together.
I hope I am on the right track. Thanks for the advice! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Sounds like a good start. Keep plugging away. We're all here to support you. You may want to consider posting over in the Emotional Needs area in the future simply because it sounds like much of the issue here surrounds unmet EN's.