Looking for a little help. - 03/06/08 03:07 PM
Hi everyone,
Here's my story:
I have been with my wife since Feb 28th 1989. We were both 16 at the time. We fell in love, got married in 1993, had our first child in 1997, our second child in 2001 and as far as I was concerned we had it pretty good. It wasn't like I had imagined it would be but over time I became comfortable in our relationship and I also believed that my wife had found her place as well. Based on how I saw other couples live I figured we were above average. We rarely argued. We never disrespected each other. We discussed issues as they came up and found solutions very quickly and our sex life was good. I always wanted more but I came to a point in my life where I just settled and accepted that my sex drive was much stronger than my wife's and I was willing to accept that. I think that when I did accept it, it actually got a little bit better and I was happy with that.
This last week-end I received the most devastating news of my life. She told me that she had feelings for another man. There had not been any infidelity and this was all new to her. However she also said that she had stopped loving me many years ago. As long as 6 years, maybe even more which means it was even before our last child. She said that she just kept a smile on to keep me happy and kept bottling her feelings inside.
It is so clear now. As the years went by, the more I got rejected from her, the more I would look elsewhere for distractions that kept me busy and not looking at the real problem. I could only assume that she enjoyed her time alone and when we spent the very little time together that we had, I didn't see any problems that would alert me that there was something wrong. I would get into all sorts of hobbies that took all my time so that we didn't have to spend a lot of time together. She seems very content with that. I spent a lot of time in the outdoors and I would take the kids with me camping and she always waved us goodbye with a smile on and greeted us with that smile again.
I realize today how different we are in our communication. I am very verbal. I express my feelings openly and I do not bottle anything inside for very long. I am also very analytical. I am a great persuader and negotiator. I can put together a really good case for any idea I come up with. I always did that without even realizing it. My wife on the other hand, feels more but doesn't talk much. When she did talk and present her ideas, it came from feelings. If I wasn't sold on the idea right away, my instinct was to build my case. For 19 years, I always won. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I thought I was just clarifying stuff for her and that we were molding her idea to something better together as a couple. But the problem was that she could not find a way to persuade me to see her point of view so it always ended up going in my direction.
So here I am, we've been living a lie most of our married life. We have a wonderful family with amazing children that are just so loving and caring, they are both doing great in school. They are polite, respectful, and listen really well to both of us. We've obviously succeeded in the parenting department so far. Hopefully this isn't another illusion.
But our relationship is in need of major reconstruction. I know that I can change anything I want in my life. I am a very dedicated and passionate person. When I set a goal, I go for it and i never give up. This is my first bit of knowledge that we had such a serious problem going on. In her mind she's scared that the way I'm acting around her now is only a way to manipulate her into agreeing to stay with me when in fact I am changing for good. I know that because every time I make such a decision, except for the occasional slip up, I am very good at keeping a change permanently in my life.
I don't know what else I can do but to just be there for her. Accept what she is going through as real and give her the time she needs to find herself in all of this. She is finally opening up to me little by little. I'm doing my best to keep the analytical mind dormant and just listen and try to understand and not fix anything.
It's especially hard when the kids are around us. I want to talk all day and work this out but we are limited in the time we can openly discuss what is happening to us.
I talked to the man she had feelings for and let him know that I had accepted what had happened. I am actually thankful for everything because I wouldn't have known that anything was wrong if he hadn't come in the picture. I also told my wife that I wanted her to break all ties with him so that we could figure out where we stand without any external distractions. She agreed and told him today not to call again. If after we work through everything she still wants to leave, than at least it will be for the right reasons.
We're still not sure how to deal with the kids. Do we let them know right away that we are in trouble. I'm sure they are feeling that something is wrong. Or do we just wait to see if we can get through it and possibly there will be no need for them to even know what we went through.
I hope to find some support and ideas to help me through all this.
Thank you.
Here's my story:
I have been with my wife since Feb 28th 1989. We were both 16 at the time. We fell in love, got married in 1993, had our first child in 1997, our second child in 2001 and as far as I was concerned we had it pretty good. It wasn't like I had imagined it would be but over time I became comfortable in our relationship and I also believed that my wife had found her place as well. Based on how I saw other couples live I figured we were above average. We rarely argued. We never disrespected each other. We discussed issues as they came up and found solutions very quickly and our sex life was good. I always wanted more but I came to a point in my life where I just settled and accepted that my sex drive was much stronger than my wife's and I was willing to accept that. I think that when I did accept it, it actually got a little bit better and I was happy with that.
This last week-end I received the most devastating news of my life. She told me that she had feelings for another man. There had not been any infidelity and this was all new to her. However she also said that she had stopped loving me many years ago. As long as 6 years, maybe even more which means it was even before our last child. She said that she just kept a smile on to keep me happy and kept bottling her feelings inside.
It is so clear now. As the years went by, the more I got rejected from her, the more I would look elsewhere for distractions that kept me busy and not looking at the real problem. I could only assume that she enjoyed her time alone and when we spent the very little time together that we had, I didn't see any problems that would alert me that there was something wrong. I would get into all sorts of hobbies that took all my time so that we didn't have to spend a lot of time together. She seems very content with that. I spent a lot of time in the outdoors and I would take the kids with me camping and she always waved us goodbye with a smile on and greeted us with that smile again.
I realize today how different we are in our communication. I am very verbal. I express my feelings openly and I do not bottle anything inside for very long. I am also very analytical. I am a great persuader and negotiator. I can put together a really good case for any idea I come up with. I always did that without even realizing it. My wife on the other hand, feels more but doesn't talk much. When she did talk and present her ideas, it came from feelings. If I wasn't sold on the idea right away, my instinct was to build my case. For 19 years, I always won. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I thought I was just clarifying stuff for her and that we were molding her idea to something better together as a couple. But the problem was that she could not find a way to persuade me to see her point of view so it always ended up going in my direction.
So here I am, we've been living a lie most of our married life. We have a wonderful family with amazing children that are just so loving and caring, they are both doing great in school. They are polite, respectful, and listen really well to both of us. We've obviously succeeded in the parenting department so far. Hopefully this isn't another illusion.
But our relationship is in need of major reconstruction. I know that I can change anything I want in my life. I am a very dedicated and passionate person. When I set a goal, I go for it and i never give up. This is my first bit of knowledge that we had such a serious problem going on. In her mind she's scared that the way I'm acting around her now is only a way to manipulate her into agreeing to stay with me when in fact I am changing for good. I know that because every time I make such a decision, except for the occasional slip up, I am very good at keeping a change permanently in my life.
I don't know what else I can do but to just be there for her. Accept what she is going through as real and give her the time she needs to find herself in all of this. She is finally opening up to me little by little. I'm doing my best to keep the analytical mind dormant and just listen and try to understand and not fix anything.
It's especially hard when the kids are around us. I want to talk all day and work this out but we are limited in the time we can openly discuss what is happening to us.
I talked to the man she had feelings for and let him know that I had accepted what had happened. I am actually thankful for everything because I wouldn't have known that anything was wrong if he hadn't come in the picture. I also told my wife that I wanted her to break all ties with him so that we could figure out where we stand without any external distractions. She agreed and told him today not to call again. If after we work through everything she still wants to leave, than at least it will be for the right reasons.
We're still not sure how to deal with the kids. Do we let them know right away that we are in trouble. I'm sure they are feeling that something is wrong. Or do we just wait to see if we can get through it and possibly there will be no need for them to even know what we went through.
I hope to find some support and ideas to help me through all this.
Thank you.