Hi everyone,

Here's my story:

I have been with my wife since Feb 28th 1989. We were both 16 at the time. We fell in love, got married in 1993, had our first child in 1997, our second child in 2001 and as far as I was concerned we had it pretty good. It wasn't like I had imagined it would be but over time I became comfortable in our relationship and I also believed that my wife had found her place as well. Based on how I saw other couples live I figured we were above average. We rarely argued. We never disrespected each other. We discussed issues as they came up and found solutions very quickly and our sex life was good. I always wanted more but I came to a point in my life where I just settled and accepted that my sex drive was much stronger than my wife's and I was willing to accept that. I think that when I did accept it, it actually got a little bit better and I was happy with that.

This last week-end I received the most devastating news of my life. She told me that she had feelings for another man. There had not been any infidelity and this was all new to her. However she also said that she had stopped loving me many years ago. As long as 6 years, maybe even more which means it was even before our last child. She said that she just kept a smile on to keep me happy and kept bottling her feelings inside.

It is so clear now. As the years went by, the more I got rejected from her, the more I would look elsewhere for distractions that kept me busy and not looking at the real problem. I could only assume that she enjoyed her time alone and when we spent the very little time together that we had, I didn't see any problems that would alert me that there was something wrong. I would get into all sorts of hobbies that took all my time so that we didn't have to spend a lot of time together. She seems very content with that. I spent a lot of time in the outdoors and I would take the kids with me camping and she always waved us goodbye with a smile on and greeted us with that smile again.

I realize today how different we are in our communication. I am very verbal. I express my feelings openly and I do not bottle anything inside for very long. I am also very analytical. I am a great persuader and negotiator. I can put together a really good case for any idea I come up with. I always did that without even realizing it. My wife on the other hand, feels more but doesn't talk much. When she did talk and present her ideas, it came from feelings. If I wasn't sold on the idea right away, my instinct was to build my case. For 19 years, I always won. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I thought I was just clarifying stuff for her and that we were molding her idea to something better together as a couple. But the problem was that she could not find a way to persuade me to see her point of view so it always ended up going in my direction.

So here I am, we've been living a lie most of our married life. We have a wonderful family with amazing children that are just so loving and caring, they are both doing great in school. They are polite, respectful, and listen really well to both of us. We've obviously succeeded in the parenting department so far. Hopefully this isn't another illusion.

But our relationship is in need of major reconstruction. I know that I can change anything I want in my life. I am a very dedicated and passionate person. When I set a goal, I go for it and i never give up. This is my first bit of knowledge that we had such a serious problem going on. In her mind she's scared that the way I'm acting around her now is only a way to manipulate her into agreeing to stay with me when in fact I am changing for good. I know that because every time I make such a decision, except for the occasional slip up, I am very good at keeping a change permanently in my life.

I don't know what else I can do but to just be there for her. Accept what she is going through as real and give her the time she needs to find herself in all of this. She is finally opening up to me little by little. I'm doing my best to keep the analytical mind dormant and just listen and try to understand and not fix anything.

It's especially hard when the kids are around us. I want to talk all day and work this out but we are limited in the time we can openly discuss what is happening to us.

I talked to the man she had feelings for and let him know that I had accepted what had happened. I am actually thankful for everything because I wouldn't have known that anything was wrong if he hadn't come in the picture. I also told my wife that I wanted her to break all ties with him so that we could figure out where we stand without any external distractions. She agreed and told him today not to call again. If after we work through everything she still wants to leave, than at least it will be for the right reasons.

We're still not sure how to deal with the kids. Do we let them know right away that we are in trouble. I'm sure they are feeling that something is wrong. Or do we just wait to see if we can get through it and possibly there will be no need for them to even know what we went through.

I hope to find some support and ideas to help me through all this.

Thank you.

madly:

Welcome to MB...you should read everything on this site, especially the Basic Concepts.

Have you read the Basic Concepts? If not, start there. Print out the questionnaires on both Emotional Needs (ENs) and Love Busters (LB). Both will give you insight into what your spouse needs from you and vice versa. Of course, you can't change her, you can only change you...and that's where your area of concentration should be. If she's reluctant to fill out the questionnaires, fill her's out like you think she would fill them out and start working on them.

However, she must end all contact with this OM (other man) for good...her life must become an open book to you. I do not know the depth of what the relationship was between your wife and this OM, but any type of contact with him now will only hinder your marital recovery efforts. If her relationship was either an EA or PA, then you should seek the wise counsel of the owners of this site -- the Harleys. They will guide you best in what you should do.

So read a lot here, both the concepts and posts of others. Maybe move this post to the Emotional Needs forum once you find out the depth of your wife's involvement with the OM. There's more traffic over there and some great posters. They may even advise you to move it to another forum, but I'll let them tell you that.

Lastly...take what you can from here, leave the rest. Be vigilant in your pursuit to make your M a great one...the concepts here really do work.

I wish you the best.

I'm assuming you are staying together, as in no one is moving out, correct? If so, no, you don't tell the kids. Kids accept whatever situation they're in, even abusive ones, so just having an undercurrent of tension in their house will do little or no damage. That said, you really need to make sure you are doing all the right things to get better. Full-in marriage counseling - for months, not just weeks. Full honesty about everything - become each other's best friend again. And get yourselves out of that rut! You are supposed to spend 15 hours together each week as husband and wife - can you work toward that? Easiest thing would be to find NEW hobbies that you both like to do.

Thank you for the response. I will review the basic concepts that I read quite some time ago. I think that I'm on the right track now but I'll review to make sure.

Her connection with OM was that we were two couples that spent a lot of time together on week-ends. She started to have feelings for him and him for her. Within days, they talked and confirmed each other's feelings and then they both went their own way to let their spouse know what had just happened. At this point I have no reason to not believe what she is telling me. As far as an EA, I think that this would be the very very early stage of one but it was interrupted immediately. We have cut all ties with the other couple and again I have no reason to believe that she hasn't complied with that request.

What is happening right now is that we are living one moment at a time. Some of these moments are very very nice and I cherish them very much. The moments that aren't so nice are mostly because of my mind taking off in the future instead of living in the moment. She hasn't given up on us. We are still together. We are having the best discussions we've ever had in years and we give each other hugs throughout the day like there were no tomorrow. So all of that is really good.

What I find the hardest is that even with all these wonderful moments, she still isn't sure of where she stands. She doesn't know if she wants to stay or not. Every day she chooses to stay one more day. I think that partly she is staying because I'm very accommodating to her and I'm giving her everything I think she is looking for right now but there is also the fact that moving out is very very complicated. She doesn't have a place to go. She's not certain enough about wanting to leave to put in motion everything that is required to do in order to separate so it is right now just convenient to stay. I am not abusive in any way. Her simplest and safest situation is to stay with me while figuring out what she wants to do.

I respect her very very much and I love her from the bottom of my heart. I wouldn't want her to be unhappy just to make me happy. I want her to be happy with me for the right reasons.

As for telling the kids, the reason for wanting to let them know is that we are going through some pretty strong emotions and whether we want it or not the kids can feel that something is going on. It's not normal for daddy to be crying in the middle of the night. Why are mommy's eyes all red??? Kids have a wild imagination and I would rather them know without all the details of what we are going through then let them imagine something much worst. I think that we can let them know just enough so that they feel safe while we're emotional.

Remember that my wife and I never raise our voices to each other. We have always talked to each other with the highest of respect for one another and this crisis hasn't change that one bit. We are spending more time together than ever before so there are no signs whatsoever that we would be having marital problems. So sadness from our part could easily be misunderstood by our children for something much worst.