I subscribe to a e-newsletter called crosswalk and this came the other day.
I can't say I am here yet, but I thought it might help somebody.
Lil

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Forgiving the 'Other Woman'
Rebeca Seitz

I was 22 years old, married for just over a year, when my mom said the words that opened my eyes. "That dog won't hunt." It's a phrase my southern mom has used for years when the story being told doesn't add up to truth in her powerfully discerning mind. Mom's never been wrong when she utters that sentence. When I described to her the goings on in my marriage and she came back with those words, I knew she'd just declared what I hadn't wanted to face. My husband was cheating.

I never considered that betrayal would enter my marriage. I suppose that was a bit naïve given the prevalence of betrayal in the marriages around me -- my dad's first marriage, two aunts, some cousins, several friends. Throughout my childhood, marriages around me kept falling apart due to adultery. Yet it simply didn't occur to me to be on guard.

My world shattered that day. Everything I thought I knew to be true suddenly came into question. Who was I? Who was this God that would allow my life to get so off course? Who was this man whose last name I shared? Where was the future I'd so meticulously planned since my girlhood days? How would they respond at the megachurch for which I worked? What sentence could I say to my husband to put everything back the way it had been -- if only in my mind? Could I forgive him? Stay married? I knew the Bible allowed for divorce in the case of adultery, but it doesn't demand such. That left me with choices to make instead of a dictated path.

My dad is a marriage counselor -- how's that for irony? I spent hours on the phone with him, wrestling over what course of action to take. Just as suddenly as I'd decided to forgive and stay, though, my husband decided the future. In a phone call from his mom's, he explained that he simply wasn't "created for marriage" and had "made a big mistake." He moved out on December 1 - my birthday.

For the next few weeks, I lived in a haze of disbelief. Questions and thoughts swirled through my mind like a southern twister in a thunderstorm. One kept coming to the forefront. How could one woman do this to another? I couldn't wrap my mind around someone purposefully causing this much pain and confusion in another's life. Weren't we women supposed to stick together and help each other out?

Throughout my life, as others were hit by betrayal, I'd had an image of the "other woman" as manipulative, scheming, cheap, tawdry, and desperate. The entire Hollywood cliché formed my image of her. But I couldn't reconcile that image with a woman my husband would be attracted to. And if that image was wrong, then what belonged in its place?

I read a lot, cried bucketloads, threw up my hands, journaled my heart out, and prayed even more and eventually picked up When Godly People do Ungodly Things by Beth Moore. Beth shared scripture which revealed that satan plots against each individual Christian. He's fine if the ultimate demise he's after takes years to accomplish. What else does he have to do but wait for his own defeat? And so he plots -- he plans, step by step, how to pull a believer down into the muck and mire.

Can't you just envision him now? Rubbing his hands with glee or chewing on the end of a pencil as he studies you and determines exactly which buttons to push to steer you down his path?

I've got a lot of buttons and -- entirely too often through the years -- I've allowed satan to have control over me. I've let him lead me right into the story he wrote. I've hurt people in the process -- parents, family members, and friends.

It dawned on me, sitting there with Beth's book in my hands and an image of a scheming satan in my mind, that I wasn't very different from the "other woman". I don't think she -- or anyone who commits adultery -- wakes up one morning and says, "I think today I'll commit adultery." I highly doubt that's what my husband did. No, I think it's a gradual process of steps laid out expertly by a grand manipulator. Our fault lies in taking those steps, in ceding authority of our story to one intent on our demise.

When I saw her in that light, I could empathize with the "other woman". I could forgive. I could understand. She gave up control of her story just like I've done so many times in too many ways. Her decision wreaked havoc in my life, but I've done the same in others' lives in other ways. If I couldn't forgive her this, how could I expect forgiveness myself?

It would have been easy to judge this woman, to judge my husband, to spend the rest of my life comfortable on my high horse and safe in my solitude. I tried that for a while. But, in reality, my horse rides lower than a lot of folks and keeps going only by the grace of God. He's a God who is clear about how forgiveness works -- asking for it without giving it doesn't work.

He's also clear about His ability to make beauty where sorrow stood. In forgiving, I became able to love again. To trust in His story for me again. To take steps toward healing and acceptance. Today, nearly six years later, I'm a (usually) happily married woman with a three-year-old son and a daughter to be born in October.

When I sat down to write my novel Coming Unglued, I knew that Kendra (my main character) was ripe for an emotional affair. She'd taken enough steps in satan's story of her life to be at that monumental moment. I checked with my husband before embarking on this novel's writing because I knew the emotions would affect our marriage. He prayed me through, handing me Kleenex as I cried while I typed and patting my back as I shook my head at Kendra and at the remembrance of my first marriage.

I get asked a lot how I could write a story from the "other woman's" point of view, given my history. I smile, knowing that I'm just as fallen as any "other" woman. On days when I yell at my son or take my husband's love for granted or fail in any number of ways, I'm grateful for a God who forgives and who surrounds me with people who forgive. In the face of such a gift, how can I not offer forgiveness in return

Lil, you know you don't have to forgive her. I don't expect forgiveness from the OM's wife. Why should she forgive me? I tore her life apart. My H will never forgive the OM and I wouldn't expect him to either.

The slippery slope. You go down that slippery slope with your eyes wide open. If you say you don't, you're lying. At the time I said "I couldn't help it". That's BS. It's choices all the way.

I think you missed the point Jen.

I also believe forgiveness is essential - FOR YOU.

You mean I should have the OM's wife's forgiveness? You can't possibly tell me you've forgiven the OM. If you have you're a very good man.

Lil is the kind of person who could forgive if anyone can.

Well that would be for the OM'sW to decide Jen. It is HER burden of unforgiveness to carry, not yours. And Rob's burden to carry regarding OM. But he and she would forgive for their sakes.

Have I forgiven OM? No but I sure am trying and I want to forgive him. He kinda makes it hard when he pops up though.

Yep, that would be hard to forgive. Rob has said he will never forgive the OM. I can understand that. It's really neither here nor there. It's what's happening with us that matters. And what's happening with us is all good.

I didnt mean this to upset anyone, I just thought that maybe there was someone who was struggling and might need some ecouragement.
I am a long long way from forgiving her. In my mind she is still the wh*re that took something that was offered when she should have said no. I would, at least I hope so. I am still working thru forgiving Flick too. Not only for the A but for NOT TELLING ME that he had that big a problem


This is the bit that really struck a chord with me. I know not everyone on MB is a Christian, nor do they have the same belief's as me, but this is one of the tenaments of my faith "there but by the grace of God"

I think I will forgive her one day, if only to stop taking a poison dose that she will never notice. She's not worth it.

I agree with you Lil. You'll find you will forgive flick a lot sooner than OW. It's a process.

Lil, you didn't upset anyone. Not me anyway. Of course you didn't.

You certainly didn't upset me either Lil.

I am overwhelmed with God's love and grace on me right now.

I rarely get angry with Him, but tonight as I was driving home from a support group, I went there. I asked why He was letting this go on. I thought about how for the 10 years of OW's "friendship" with my husband, I kept waiting for OW to go away. If she did, I thought, I would have my husband back and we'd live forever in peace. But she kept coming back in the picture, and she never, ever went away. Finally, as is typical, their affair was discovered. Since my WH lives with her now, and shows no sign of repenting, it appears that she will never, ever not be a feature of my life - we have a daughter together so I can't just move on. As I was praying out all my anger and pain, I was wondering why God doesn't destroy their relationship and get her out of my life. I wasn't even asking for my marriage back - I just wanted Him to send her packing.

Not helping my state of mind is the fact that she'll be hanging out with my daughter all day tomorrow, which is new, because WH normally takes her down to his parents' on Saturdays to play with her cousins. But, her divorce is final, ours should be in a few months, and now they're trying to blend her into their "family" with her two little girls. My daughter just called me a little while ago, and said that she just got back from a Halloween parade. She decided to tell me the costumes that her dad, OW's girls, and she were wearing. Then she added, "And (OW) was dressed up as an angel."

An angel.

This sent me over the edge once I got off the phone. An angel. You have got to be kidding me. I came here to vent. And what do I come across but this message, posted one minute before I came online. I felt an immediate sense of calm. Yes, after 10 years of attachment, accompanied by 10 years of disrespect for me, it is highly likely that OW isn't going anywhere. And I will have to learn to deal with her presence in my life, and her name coming off my daughter's lips. I need to understand that I can take this. It's bearable. And I will be destroyed, while she goes on her merry way with my family, if I can't forgive.

I stopped fighting for my marriage a while back. Nothing I did had any impact, no prayers seems to make a change. I've come to accept that maybe they are going unanswered for a reason, maybe because I need to see that I can be treated so much better than I was by WH. I simply don't know what it's like to be in a relationship with a man who loves me and honors me alone, for he was my first real boyfriend. He always had this need for female validation, so there was always some woman he was "helping" in the background of our life. When OW came around, the course was set, because her neediness is legendary, and her complaints about her husband continuous. The perfect foil for my needy WH. Like in the story, it took years for her to finally get her way, but what else does Satan have to do but help her along? I was pondering this on the way home, which makes reading it here a confirmation that God wanted me to see this post.

I was praying this morning with a friend, and she was really passionate about OW repenting and coming to know Christ. I used to pray that prayer thinking that it would result in her leaving the relationship. Tonight, I pray it hoping that it will result in her at least not contradicting God's Word in my daughter's presence.

I guess the bottom line is, I don't know what I don't know. OW could be out of the picture next week - off pursuing another man now that she has her "freedom." I can't see into the future. All I can do is live in the moment and be thankful, in a time of deep, painful anger, that I saw this thread and it reminded me about what really matters. You wondered if it would help someone. Consider that prayer answered.

I have always thought 'co-incidence' is merely God choosing to remain anonomous

Jen, BK.
thank you for your nice words, and I am pleased I didnt upset either of you.
for you two too

Well, I am a long way from forgiving and I'm not sure that I ever will. One of the differences between this woman and me is that she was only 22 and hadn't invested as much in that marriage as I have. Most of my adult life (20 years) has been spent with my WH and in a marriage that I considered myself incredibly lucky to have had. We also have 4 small children. Maybe I could forgive the OW if this had been between adults but she came to our house and played with our children and saw how close my WH was to them but that didn't stop her wanting to destroy their lives. I could possibly forgive for me but never for them.

Strangely, I think I can forgive my WH because although he betrayed me I can see that he put on a set of blinkers and refused to think beyond each day, refusing to see how this hurt me and what exactly he was doing (not that that excuses him at all) but she was much more calculating. She said that she fell in love with him and knew he was the man for her while I was still pregnant. She sent lots and lots of messages (referred to in her text) putting forward the option of leaving me and explaining how all the obstacles could be overcome with time.

Despite this I don't want to destroy her and I am trying hard to control my hate but forgiveness is a bridge too far. In any case I don't think that it's possible to forgive someone who is not repentant.

I read this article a few years ago and found the information very helpful. It is copywrited so I will post the link.

It isn't specific to infidelity, but you may find the information about forgiveness helpful. Forgiveness isn't for the other person, it's for yourself.

The 6th and 7th paragraphs have key information.

Empowering Caregivers

I hope it helps.

LC

Tully -

Very similar in this case with OW. It's in the playbook. She knows me, has been to my house, and saw how completely devoted WH was to dd. Like you, I thought I was lucky all these years, too. Of course, in my case, that is because I was ignoring certain patterns and behaviors he displayed since the beginning.

Do you think it's possible that it's easier for us to forgive our WH's because we've been in love with them over 20 years?

At any rate, forgiveness isn't for her: it's for me. She didn't ask me for it. From all indications, she's pleased with herself for manipulating, calculating and having her devious plotting come to fruition. Chances are, if I said, "I forgive you," she'd say, "What for?" She and WH feel that they are in the right. I kid you not. The woman dressed up as an angel.

My anger is valid. But if I can't figure out what to do with it, forgive, and move on, I'm the one who gets hurt. And my daughter, because during the times when I get stuck in a groove thinking about what has been done to us, I don't feel like playing or bike riding. I just want to brood in my room with the TV while she plays in hers.

I'm not saying that this is how anger and unforgiveness impacts you, and I hope you don't feel judged. Just wanted to let you know that I truly get it, and I hope that whatever path you take that you'll be completely OK some day. Being betrayed like this is one of the most difficult experiences anyone can have, and I don't want to invalidate your response. Just wanted to say that forgiveness is for you.

Right now, I will NEVER forgive OW, don't know if I ever will. She destroyed my family, disrespected me and my kids. She knew ExH was M'd, she could have walked away. Heck, she was M'd herself! But she still pursued him.

Yeah ExH was no better I know, but we're talking about forgiving the OW, NOPE!

I'll forgive OM when he's confined to a bed in a nursing home and being abused daily until he withers away in misery.

As all OW/OM, there was no question the OW in my sitch was not only participant and integral in the betrayal, but she also viciously harrassed me and was legally dealt with.

Praying for someone (OW/OM) who has wronged you in such a way can help you. It has me and others.

Pray for them.

Jo

OW in my case is a 20 year old (if she's even that old) Hanna Montana look-a-like that started sleeping with my ExH when her fiance left for Iraq. She and her finance lived with her parents at the time. She now lives with my ex. I have not once prayed for her. Can't bring myself to do it. I try to think as little about her as possible. Maybe God does want me to pray for her, but hopefully He understands that right now I just can't, or won't really.

Sometimes I wish He would've left the part in the Bible about loving our enemies out, but I'll just trust that He knows that it's best.

I have forgiven the OW. She was awful and very disrespectful to me. She flaunted the affair and told me that I was lucky that she didn't go down our street staying Na-Na, I have your husband.

But she paid the price of not being with her husband or her daughter. She is alone and on her own.

I blame my ex much more because HE is the one that took vows to love me forever.

Believer,I'm with you 100% on that.What does anger me about OW is that she is a mother herself,doesn't she feel guilt for taking their father away from them?

I could not do that to someone elses kids....maybe the OW doesn't have much for brains...I dunno..can't fathom it out...

I do know she had nothing financially and was desperate so maybe she was thinking of her own families needs?

Most healthy women would think twice about having an affair with a married man. There is kind of a code between women that you just don't do that. So you know that she is NOT healthy.

Obviously WH spun her a story about being unhappily married etc...but if I was in her position I'd know that theres 2 sides to every story....

Also WH's friend informed me at the beginning of this year that WH had told OW that he was unsure of what he wanted to do.OW had been confiding in this friends girlfriend!..thats how he knew this info.

I wouldn't let a man live with me for a year with him saying that to me!!! Just shows me how much she needed him financially...and I think he knew it.Put him in a position of power too, knowing that I wanted him back as well.Yuck!!

I will never proactively work to forgive OW. I will try to think of her less and less, but will not forgive. When my FWH broke it off with OW and told her how they were both incredibly stupid and had brought such hurt and devastation into the lives of their families, her response was they could still be together because I would divorce him and people would get over it. She then went into HER big plan of how I, the BS, was going to do this and I was going to do that so it would be easy to have a future together and that she still "loved" him. Whatever residual fog was still in FWH's brain about her being a half way decent person prior to this conversation...was now gone, gone, gone and so was she. She will always be trash to me.

NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER....
AND IF THAT'S EVEN A LITTLE CONFUSING....

[size:20pt] NEVER!!! [/size]

Don't know from OW...

OM is as close to forgiven as he's likely to get...

He is still alive...

For now anyway.

I love what you posted lildog! I am around the 20 month mark - close to two years. For the last several weeks my IC has had me working on writing a letter (that will never get sent) to OW to pen down and tell her the hurt that has been caused to me and to tell her how I have come to forgive her.

I value myself enough to not carry around the bitterness, I was not created to be a wheelbarrow, carrying around the baggage - it only ends up hurting me - so she wins (or the evil if you will ) that was able to penetrate the vulnerabilities in my marriage wins - the longer I allow it to agitate, and the more I regurgitate it, ect.

This is a letter that I have tried writing around 8 or 9 times (but never finish) I get frustrated and tear them up and delete them from my computer. - and for some reason - I feel I am lowering myself by just engaging in this letter and speaking to her. (even though it will not be sent)

Your post lildog, has reminded me of hurt I have caused to others in my life. A perspective that I needed in order to really complete this important assignment. I realize that many stages of the healing of myself individually, and my marriage have been a series of processes. I have chosen to embrace each process. This forgiveness process of the OW is important for me - it is a gift to myself.

I believe that we have made such great progress - that we have a whole new marriage - I don't have my old marriage, and old husband back - I have a whole new marriage - new plans - new goals - new respect - new love - new boundaries - new dreams.

I feel that there is so much more ahead. I have a scar that will always be there no matter how sorry my husband is, no matter what type of IC we receive, or steps we take - I have to accept it. This has been one of the hardest things to do. I want to be free from the ravages of the OW in every way - the only thing I can do at this point is work through the forgiveness process as difficult as it may be - for me and move on.

There is so much waiting on the other side - I will not allow her or the memories of her - or bitterness I was feeling to hold me any longer or keep me in the muck or mire. I'm done with that whole gig.

Thank you so much for posting!

God Bless!

In my case...OW is a teacher...a profession which supposedly cares about children....she actually taught at my boys' school....well....I guess she was having a bad day when she figured out a way to justify having an A with WS...

I agree with Believer, though, if WS couldn't respect his committment to BS, why would OP?

I don't expect to forgive OP...I don't ever plan on crossing her path (by choice)....but it doesn't 'consume' me... as I can only imagine the pain when she ever has the odd occasional 'lucid moment' of realizing what she has DONE! ....(like blood on one's hands that's hard to wash off no matter how often you wash them!) ...I am certain of that....and I think that's punishment enough! ...and if not...I don't really CARE!

..it's not that I don't I have the POTENTIAL to be an OP....we all can... but I do think it may be a form of self-hate.... because I would have a hard time living with myself afterwards... especially if kids were involved! :RollieEyes:

...I'd much rather work on ways to be proud to look at myself in the mirror!

When I read the the original article for the first time, I thought NO WAY!! I was NOT going to ever forgive that DIRTY little WH*RE, and many other nasty names.
A couple of days later I was thinking about my reaction and I realised that firstly that is not me, I don't hate like that. H3ll I don't even think of my mother like that!

And a scripture kept coming to me "The measure you use will be measured to you".
Now if your not a Christian, the following will be boring and uninteresting to you.

When I first started to suspect Flick of having an A, I spent some time querying God. This lead me to read the book of Hosea, where God asks him to marry a prostitute. At the time I felt God was telling me that the way I felt Flick felt, about OW was rather how God felt about a couple of things I was more focused on than Him.

So I looked again at the scripture the other day. I have a study bible, and there is a point made for Hosea 2:16,17,19,20 about how forgiveness can save a marriage.

So while thinking on my reaction I realised that
1. how I judge her is how God will judge me.
2. I might not be having an A, but since all fall short of the glory of God and even our rightouness is like dirty rags in His sight I have nothing to skite about
3. that this scripture shows how God not only loves Isreal but also shows the depth and power in a marriage bond.

I refuse to spend the rest of my life allowing someone who ultamatey will have to answer to God for her actions, to have the power to make me so angry for the rest of my life.
That's my mums job

I posted the original article thinking there might be others on the same path as me, but futher along.

So for the poeple who didnt like the post, I am sorry, and I hope you can work thru it for yourself one day. For those who it helped even a little, thank you for your comments, it gives me hope that one day I will get there all the way. Right now I am only just scratching the surface.

Ding ! Ding ! Ding !

I can barely remember what OM looks like. He owed me no more than any scumbag in society does.

It is Squid I need to forgive.

Hi Lil,


Lil...I don't think there is a need to apologize... we are here to share... and we wouldn't be here unless we are open for 'food for thought'....

so, thank you for bringing up the issue of OP...as you can see.... we are at different stages on that topic... and bottom line...the discussion of ANY TOPIC can be used to move us along in our PERSONAL journeys...

Personally, I don't HATE OP.... I don't KNOW her.... I sometimes feel ANGER towards her... these days it's closer to indifference, and sometimes even PITY... I would NOT want to be in her shoes....wake up everyday KNOWING how much she has probably HURT those she loves around her....contributing to the destruction of WS's family... I would probably work very hard, like she probably does, at FINDING excuses to JUSTIFY my actions...or blame it on someone else...

Like BOB and Believer.... the biggest BEEF I have is with WS!
...he FAILED to protect his weaknesses (...because in a longterm R....issues will come up!....but WSs CHOOSE to use them to JUSTIFY their UNJUSTIFIABLE actions....no wonder both WSs and OPs work hard at believing their own lies and staying in laland... that does not make for a strong connection! :crosseyedcrazy:

...but I do continue to believe that for both WSs and OPs...an A is a short-term fix.... the problems they are avoiding WILL be back once the fog lifts...and they will be BIGGER and MORE OF THEM! :RollieEyes:

This is so true and why I firmly believe any and all WS's and/or OP's should seek IC to find out what is missing in them that helped lead them to make the poor choices to have an A so they can fix it once and for all.

On a side note, I find this discussion very interesting. My DH has told me in the past he doesn't think about my FOM ever, but he also has said he will never forgive him.

Because I knew FOM's W, during exposure (Jan 2005) I offered an apology which she said she was not able to accept, understandably. I know many feel when an OW apologizes it is to alleviate their own guilt. My apology was an honest attempt to show her I really did care, saw how wrong it was that I hurt her and had no right to invade her marriage.

Out of the blue at the end of March 2005 I received a note in the mail from her offering forgiveness. She is very religious, tied it to Easter and I can see how that forgiveness was for her sake not mine. It actually confused me quite a bit because I could not understand how she could forgive me when I was nowhere near able to forgive myself. She is a good woman to be able to do that, I have a great deal of respect for her and I hope it gave her peace.

LC

Personally, I don't believe it's a slippery slope for the OP. At least it wasn't in the case of our OW (at least I don't think so). The wh*re was twice divorced, three kids she didn't have custody of, was in a relationship. She knew damn well what she was doing and did it anyway. What makes me feel better is knowing that her life was a mess before, and her life will continue to be a mess. Karma can be a real b*tch sometimes.

I dont know if i will ever not be able to hate first OW. She is the only person in life that I have ever felt this way. I know my husband lied to her and told her that we were over and he was sleeping on the couch. Fine, but I can not accept that she sent money to my husband to leave his wife and 2 kids with the concept of never seeing them again. What person does that? THen when he left her to come back to them because he missed them, still contacted. Both of them are crazy. I have gotten to a point of not wanting to contact her or running her over at least. So who knows what is to come. I would love to forgive her and tell her, because I am sure it would tick her off, but of course doing it for that reason isnt good haha.


2nd OW... I pity her. We spoke, I begged her not to take him away from his kids. I told her that he was not logical and he was going to miss his family. I appealed to her motherly side. She still also paid for him to move to her. NOW she dumped him because he missed his family and she wanted to have his heart whole. DUH. She is going to wake up everyday knowing what she did. Her family is going to remind her.


My husband. I dont know. I am beyond angry at him for both of them. He gave up our children, and I have a hard time with that. I also have a hard time with how he treated me while he was screwing around and the lying.

Forgiveness.

For me it was/is about forgiving my ExH AND also forgiving myself for whatever part I played in a less than ideal marriage. For compromising my standards along the way.

OW was and always will be a nonentity to me. I did not have a relationship of any sort with her, therefore I owe her nothing. I will not give her any of my emotional energy and therefore my personal power. To me, it is not about her, it is about my Ex. Like Believer said, he is the one that held vows with me.

KiwiJen,
You are misunderstanding. It is not about receiving forgiveness from someone, it is about giving forgiveness. In the case of a wayward spouse, it is about forgiving yourself.

I have a hard time really hating my OW. WH met her in another state while on an assignment. When I finally called her, she told me that he told everyone there he was D'd. She said that people kept telling her that they suspected he was M'd, and she said that she did too after a few months.

She said that she would stay away from him but of course she didn't. I think he pursued her, however now I think she finally dropped him for someone else. The reality of the lies that he told her probably sunk in big time.

So I had a hard time blaming her. Like Bob P, I blame WH, and he is the one I struggle to forgive.....

Dear lifeschoice-

i so respect you for apologizing the the BS. when a WS apologizes, it says that they have grown to a place that says the recognize the pain they have caused another person, and they reget it.

However - i think you are a rarity.

My FWH had 12 affairs with different women- 2 of which i was good friends with - one my best friend. the others- i was friends or acquantances with all except 1.

We confronted the 2 close friends in person- one ( my BF) apologized only after i refused to listen to anything else she said.

Out of the others- NONE have apologized.

How easy would it be to send an e mail, or even a letter???? i know that an in person apology is more difficult, but they all have my e mail and address.

Instead - they deny, or avoid, or act aggressive, or ignore, or file law suits against me, ( for sending her a letter telling her what i thought of her) , or.......

That is why OP are who they are - they dont know how to empathize with someone else - or else they woudnt be an OP!!!!

So..if an OP grows to become whole and centered- the will want to apologize.

i congratulate you that you did that. You can not possibly know how much it means to the BS.

SF

SF,


Thank you.

I still get a little annoyed when I read posters say "An OW only apologizes to rid herself of guilt" because that was not the case for me.

I always taught my children if they did something wrong to someone they needed to apologize, but I also taught them the importance of actually meaning the apology. I told them if they didn''t mean it, then it wasn't worth the words and they may as well say "pink paper" instead of "I'm sorry". I taught then to think about how the other person felt then decide what a proper apology should be.

Many months after I ended the A, my own words to my children played over and over in my head. I thought about all I taught them and I knew I needed to apologize to FOM's DW. She most certainly deserved an apology because I did a really rotten thing to her. I knew she may not accept the apology (undertandably), but I still wanted to apologize. I did not expect she would send me a note offering forgiveness, let alone send it so soon after my DH talked to her to be sure she knew.

She is a big person and I have a great deal of respect for her for being able to do what she did. I hope my apology helped her in some way and I hope she knows I offered it for the right reasons and not to rid myself of guilt.

LC

LC-

The ow in my life were many and two were close friends.

if they aplogized- it would mean to me that they recognize the meanness of their behavior.

i am working to forgive them- as so many people said here- resentment is a poison i drink myself.

i want to live a happy life.

i am working on forgiving them in my heart- but i dont know about actually forgiving them. i cant imagine telling them i forgive them when they never apologized.

i may just write a letter to them and burn it.

SF

I started this thread such a long time ago. I don't know I could say I have forgiven OW, just she is nothing to me. I prolly would still deck her if I saw her, but she certainly is well down my list of people who tick me off

I 'forgave' DH a long time ago. He is my honey

And you're bumping it, out of the blue, years later. Huh.

Yeah. I was having a few bad days and I was looking at old posts I had made. I hoped I would find something I thought I remembered posting, but it may have gone in the big crash.

Anyway, I read over this thread and it really helped me see how far I have come. Sort of a affirmation that DH and I are doing good, yanno?

Sometimes it helps to see that.