Ladies; Sex-relaxer or stress maker? - Marriage Builders® Forums

Those who may be familiar with my previous posts may know that one of the major issues in my Marriage is Sex....Now my W says that she can't do anything as we are getting ready to go to sleep because "We do it, I have to get up and go clean myself and then I am awake again and can't go to sleep."So, a simple unscientific survey please of the firts 10 ladies to respond....sorry no prize except my undying loyalty and affection...Do you find sex to be something that relaxes you or cause your stress level to go up?Thanks

definitely a relaxer...maybe some of those personal wipes by the bed and she would feel fresh enough and could still go to sleep?

<blockquote>quote:<hr>Do you find sex to be something that relaxes you or cause your stress level to go up?<hr></blockquote>
freddybThanks for a chuckle in sex ed for the male perspective! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] To answer your question, I don't find my stress level going up, but I am more awake, whereas my H is ready to sleep.I find sex to be relaxing, stimulating and yes, very arousing all the way around! However, I like that pillow talk comforting afterwards. If he falls asleep and I'm still awake, I do get up for awhile. I think this awake/sleep pattern is different for men/women.As for getting up to "clean up", we have a towel handy for such occasions.CD[ November 15, 2001: Message edited by: ChinaDoll ]

Definitely a relaxer. I hit the shower afterwards.

relaxing NOOOO i get sooo much adrenaline built up from the O and the O and the O ...etc hehewhen he knocks out spent i am up wandering for hours trying to relax....would that stop me from wanting sex at 3am? NOOOOOOOOOOOO not even at midnight [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] i happen to LOVE LOVEMAKING with my man and will take it whenever i can get it...often initiating !once <and this was sooo funny> i was kissing on him and he said "baby? im really not feeling very sexual right now"...within SECONDS he found he was wrong *BIG smile* but WE are very well suited..and not every one is sexually

When i was married i use to crave sex a lot.
But i found when issues came out and we were fighting my desire to have sex dropped ALOT.
Even now that we spend time together the simpliest things turn me off. Sometimes sex itself.
The length of the act and things going on determine my feelings. My partner isn't as ... friendly sometimes. When i have spoken to him he laughs or says that he got off. When i told him i feel used for sex, he replies with that's good, that's nice.
That leaves me feeling prety hurtand the silly thing is he then complains the next time around that i don't get 'wet' for him. He fails to realize the role he plys in my willingness/or ability to.
When we 'get it right'(good feelings) I feel pretty good and regardless of time frames or activities or jobs. I feel relaxed and loved afterwards.
When we 'don't get it'(bad feelings) I feel stressed out and used. My desire for a rematch is lessened and a longing for 'the right stuff' increases.

hi freddy,
sex brings out a lot of emotions/feelings for me, but stress is definately not one of them.
Maybe have sex in the am? That way she can look forward to waking up and showering afterwards.

Hi Freddy! I'll have to go with the majority on this one. Definitely wakes me up, too. I always thought it was just me, since none of my women friends have ever mentioned this. I used to REALLY resent this. Of course none of my ENs were being met and never mind everything else. Just seemed like more I had to "give up" for him (sleep, not sex, and sleep has always been a precious commodity at my house). Lately, we just go to bed earlier. We know there's love in the air (nearly every night) so we get the kids to bed a little earlier, we don't do housework or pay bills and we try not to talk about anything "distressing" (the war, the A's, possibility of layoffs, you get the picture...). And I personally think that the BEST thing we've done to improve our sex life is getting the TV out of the bedroom. Not only is it easier to initiate sex at a decent hour [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] but I find I sleep much better without that electronic sentry staring at me all night long. It's too easy to hop into bed and stare at the news or talk shows for too long and then say, "hey, I forgot why we came to bed early!" So what we get (usually -- remember, we have 3 kids!) is early, leisurely sex in a quiet, relaxed setting. He's not so worn out that he passes out right away. It's not too late "after" to have a cup of tea or a glass of wine together and talk. And if he IS tired and needs to go straight to sleep, I can stay in bed and read, or take one of those nice hot baths... Snow[ November 25, 2001: Message edited by: Snowwhite ]

Thanks ladies....I have a better understanding now than I did earlier. My problem is that I actually like to make love to my wife and she says that it is way down on her list of things to do....Thanks for the input.

Seems like I'm in the minority here, but I do find sex stressful on occasion. If i'm busy or tired, it becomes one more item on the "TO DO" list. and knowing that i have to try to relax just to make it fun seems to add to the stress. just thought i'd represent the other opinion

Disenchanted;Thanks for the dissenting voice...I really am coming to believe that my W would be just as happy if we never did it again and just were together...Me, I to the point where it is not fun at all. Just something I force myself to do to get the physical release and then I am left hanging emotionally......I hope to figure the marriage thing out one day...Thanks again.

I haven't read your previous posts, but thought I'd throw my 2 cents in anyway.
I also am left full of energy after sex whereas my H is asleep within minutes. But I still look forward to it and definitely find it enjoyable enough to put up with staying awake a little longer. We put a towel by the bed ahead of time for cleanup and I read to help me go to sleep. My concern is that possibly your W isn't really enjoying it. Is she just going through the motions to "get it over with"? Could she possibly be faking it and has never truly experienced an O? Are her ENs for affection/intimacy being met HER way?
I'm just wondering why she is so uninterested in something so wonderful? I hope this provides food for thought. Good Luck!

I'm definately more like your wife. It's not one of my most important EN, but I do like it when it's loving, warm and fun.My H used to come to bed 2-3 hours after me each night and want it then...when I'd be in the middle of sleep!! It used to drive me crazy! And NOT in a good way. He'd fall asleep right afterwords and I'd be looking at the ceiling with saucer eyes. It was really the only time he wanted sex....I ended up feeling like a big, old sleeping pill.It was a big-n-bad sticking point in our marriage and even helped to contribute to my H's unhappiness with the relationship. I wish we would have worked on this area above all.Two suggestions: 1) Go to bed earlier and do the fun stuff BEFORE she starts getting sleepy or do it on the couch.2) Meet all of her EN and ask her to meet yours. One reason being woken up in the middle of the night to have sex really bothered me was because my ENs weren't being met all day long and the one chance I had to do something for myself (sleep), he wanted my full attention then too! Sheeessh!Anyway, that's my .02¢ worth...Aloha,
Ms.O

Thanks ladies, I do appreciate your input. I have asked and asked if she is feeling that she is satisfies and she tells me over and over that she is perfectly content. As a matter of fact the other day, it came out that she likes to get to her Orgasm as quickly as possible. She doesn't want it drawn out for a long time and then when I get her there (Usually orally and manually) I am to get in and get myself off as fast as possible.Needless to say I am at a point where it isn't fun for me anymore. Also, I will ask politely if we can do 'something' tonite...she will usually say no for a variety of reasons...but when she is in the mood, I get a guilt trip if I try to say no....There is just not happy medium.It really is getting easier for me to just take care of it in the shower where there is no fuss or mess...

Just a word of warning.....my H said the same thing....it's just easier, it doesn't bother me, etc., etc.HOWEVER....the resentment in him built up big time. He said it was one of the major factors in him not being happy in the marriage (and therefore having an affair). I wasn't all that happy with the situation myself, but it was more important to him.Have you tried to seek counseling? I just don't think something as important as sex is to a relationship, should just be glossed over. And I'm speaking with 20/20 hindsight here.Just my opinion.
Aloha,
Ms.O

Is sex a relaxer or a stress maker????????It's been so long now, I don't remember! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

First to Nina;I sorry. I wish there were something I could do...no that is not meant in a nasty way either...To Ms O;You are right in some sense....I wish I could achieve my bliss with my wife instead of Rosie Palm and her four sisters...however, I love my wife and I don't want to lose her....yes, have been and well be in counseling again as soon as the insurance catches up with us....How is an issue like this resolved though? I like sex...my wife says she likes it too, just not that much....where is that happy medium and how do reach it....My wife is always telling me that if I want a 'quickie' to go ahead.....I still have a problem that I am just using her to my own end, even though she says she just enjoys the feel of me in her....can you just enjoy the motion without the cosmic, earthshattering O that I think you ought to have.....????Thoughts please....thanks

Yes, you can! I used to like making love with my H...even tho I didn't have orgasisms. I like the closeness, the caressing, the hugging, everything...it still felt good to me and I got excited and that felt good.My H put so much emphasis on me having an "O" that it just wasn't that much fun for me anymore. I would want to just enjoy the experience with him, and he was trying to make me have an O. That was a real drag. Once we got in that cycle, there was just no stopping it.Do you think any of that plays into it in your situation?Aloha,
Ms.O
(and that DOESN'T stand for the other
"O") [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by freddyb:
....can you just enjoy the motion without the cosmic, earthshattering O that I think you ought to have.....????<hr></blockquote>One other thing....I've only ever had one sexual partner in my life...my H. And while I rarely reached the big "O" and sex is not high on my EN list, I did enjoy it and loved it because I knew he enjoyed it and loved it. The thing I didn't like about it with my H was that I always felt like there was some "sex ruleboook" that he had in his head and I had no idea if I was doing it right, wrong or in-between. He said it wasn't so, but still I felt like I wasn't doing it right...probably because of the lack of the O and him trying so hard to get me to have one.However, my personal theory, and it's based on the few times we did this and I really loved it, is that there shouldn't be any "shoulds" or "oughts" or "have to haves" when it comes to sex. If it can't be fun, playful, spontaneous, loving, warm, sexy, etc., I could care less about the big O. My H never saw it that way. The rulebook of sex between you and your spouse is written by you and your spouse!!! That's it! Any other rules you've followed before with anyone else just don't apply in my book. So the rules for sex in my book are that there aren't any rules, except what he and I make up as we go along. Does that make sense? Just my opinion...Aloha,
Ms.O

First of all, I never thought that the O stood for 'that' "O"....You are right....There is supposed to be a rulebook about lovemaking....we are both supposed to have O's.....my big worry is that I want her to enjoy it. These days, all I have to do is look at her and I don't last very long...if you catch my drift...personally I think I should be able to go longer than 30 seconds... [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] It is hard to let go of the past when that is all you have a reference too in regards to pleasing someone.....Let me think about it a little more...ThanksOh, we were out your way last summer....didn't make the Big Island, but did make it to Kaui....beautiful....

I want to thank the guy that started this topic and all the ladies that have answered it...For me, sex is extremely relaxing and almost guarantees a peaceful sleep after orgasm..I found out (through you women) and talking with my wife, that afterwards sometimes she's still keyed up and has to stare at the ceiling for a while before going to sleep... Another reason to work out your differences - in our case enjoy sex before getting so tired that we (she) needs to sleep.-d

Just found out something interesting from my W and I wanted to touch base with you ladies again....so...the big 'O' is not always necessary...
if you have the 'O' you can be keyed up for a while....so.....how about when you don't want the 'O', but just want him in you.....does THAT key you up?This one little issue caused a BIG major mess last evening......Thanks

<blockquote>quote:<hr>so.....how about when you don't want the 'O', but just want him in you.....does THAT key you up?<hr></blockquote>Well, speaking from experience, yes! Hey, let's face it....making love takes some amount of "work"....even tho it is fun and worth it. And esp. for women, it's usually NOT just a physical thing, i.e. purely a physical release, like it can be for men (notice I didn't say ALWAYS....).For most women, it involves some emotional energy. So, yes, you can still get "keyed" up...or as I like to put it....INVOLVED! I don't mean to be the harbinger of doom here, but it sounds like there may be another issue going on with your wife. Is there more going on here than just the way the sex is done?All I know is that with my STBXH, sex wasn't really the issue. Respect was. I didn't feel like he respected me, my needs, my opinions, etc. He thought it was just "weird" that I didn't have "O's" instead of wanting to help me in whatever way he could, to get the most out of our sexual relationship. He expected me to meet his sexual needs, anywhere, anytime, but when I asked him to meet my affection needs, he said "I'm sorry, I'm just not that kind of guy." Sheeeessh!!Just something to think about...Aloha,
Ms.O