I am new here. I have a question about opposite sex friendships. My H and I have been married 21 wonderful years. We have had a lot of things happen to us the last 5. Job losses, moves, tenagers...etc. He had a secretary at his old job. I talked to her often before I would ask to speak to my husband. She was never overly friendly to me and I always was nice to her. Well, in May '01 my husband's plant shut down. It was a shock that sent us reeling. He is 42 and it is our second closing. I thought he was looking for another job in managment but he started two buisnesses with his secretary. To tell you the truth I didn't really mind. But he took a serious fall in October '01 and she came to get me to take me to the hospital. This was a shock two ways. I thought they were helping each other in sales only and found that day they were helping each other daily with their various duties. Plus, at the hospital she stayed in trauma with us and at times the nurses didn't know who was the wife! This crisis brought manythings to my attention. Oh...and my 21 and 17 year old kids noticed as well. Once my H was on his feet I spoke to him about this and he became VERY defensive. Saying they were just friends and there was a lot of money to be made in their ventures. I was hurt but did a lot of soul searching about our life. I have changed many things about how I conduct myself and show love to him. He says he loves me and has even let me help on job sites with her there. We have gone from discussing this with anger to being rational. I thought I was getting better until the cell phone bill came in last week. He had made 95 calls to her from that phone...never from our home phone...and had talked 471 minutes! Now this is only out going calls. No telling how many she had made to him that show as only in coming calls. So, now I am afraid he has some sort of emotional tie to her. He says I am crazy but I don't think I am. I think any wife would have the same suspicions. He has never given me any reason to think he is having a full blown affair but I am still hurt and heart broken. I am not afarid of him leaving me but am afraid she is a wedge in our marriage that I can't see past. I am going to seeour priest tomorrow morningand my husband supports this and has agreed to go with me because he thinks there is nothing wrong with a opposite sex friendship especially since they work together. This is my one hope....because I trust my feelings about this that is just isn't right and she feels more for him than she should. Am I right to be anxious about this relationship and how should I voice my concerns to my husband and priest? Let me also add that since the job loss we have no insurance so counseling is out unless the church can find a place that would accept us without it.

Hi Cantstopcrying
You have every right to be suspicous about there relationship. I would be to. I would tell your husband that this is causing awful pain for you, because you feel there is more to what he is telling you. And as for your husbands ex secretary I can say this much I use to be a secretary and there is plenty of opportunitys to become closer to your boss or the person you are working with. I am sure they knew this from the start. I would ask the preist to be your counselor if he can. Work this out and tell your husband that this has got to stop. That you don't think it's just a friendship. They made way to many phone calls for two people who work together.
You are his wife you have ever right to stop what is going on. Good Luck and Best wishes. Lynn

I would leave. I know what your going through. My husband lied to me about having feeling for another stupid girl. But it looks like your husband might be doing more. I know it would be hard. But I wish sometimes I would of left a long time ago. I am stupid for staying, because all I do now is worry.

Some people (like your husband) may try to tell you that you're nuts. Especially if they have not had sex. For some reason, men often don't get it that it hurts A LOT to think that your husband is giving affection, time and attention to another woman. It took our pastor to explain that to my husband so it made sense to him. I also had to take a hard look at what he was getting from that relationship that I wasn't providing. I upped the amount of positive attention, admiration, sex, etc, etc I was giving him and made myself a whole lot more visible where he works.
It's really hard to work things out if he doesn't realize that what he's doing is having an affair, and it will have serious effects on his relationship with you.
I hope you confronted him with the cell phone bill. You just have to keep in mind (and this makes me nuts!) that everything negative you do will be discussed with her. DON'T, however become a door mat! I had to just flat out tell him that I didn't feel ready to hear about what a great student she is or anything else about her. It helps too that he has a male friend who is a good Christian man that he respects that is holding him accountable for his actions. Hang in there. Don't make any big decisions right away.

OK, can'tstop, I've been where you are (sort of), and I think I can give you some useful advice.<p>Three years ago (almost four now), my H was in a job where it was his department against the world. There's nothing like shared misery in a job to bring people together. I've been there too. At any rate, one of the people in his department was his immediate supervisor, a single woman only a few years younger than we were, with a child. <p>I was finishing up my master's degree and doing some writing, and obviously my H started feeling neglected, because the next thing I know, they are close friends.<p>For a while I didn't notice anything strange, then I realized that something about this just didn't seem right. Every time I tried to talk to him about it, he'd get angry; accusing me of not wanting him to have friends, accusing me of not trusting him, the whole deal. Sounds familiar to you now, right?<p>CSC, you are never, ever, ever going to get him to admit that there's anything inappropriate going on here. First of all, he probably doesn't even KNOW. Second of all, we're so used to thinking in this society that if there's no sex, there's no affair. The concept of the "emotional affair" practically doesn't exist outside of this Web site. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Lynn_Needs_Help has her heart in the right place, but believe me, telling him "This has to stop" is not going to do anything except make him angrier and drive him closer to her.<p>So what can you do?<p>Has your H ever worked closely with a woman where he WASN'T emotionally involved? Mine has. So obviously there was something going on in our marriage that made this different (well, that and the fact that this woman was obviously chasing him). <p>You cannot control what he does. You can only control what you do. This is where you go into what I call a "nondisclosure Plan A." If you're not familiar with Plan A, read up on it on this Web site. What you're doing here is taking responsibility for YOUR half of the relationship. Any relationship consists of a series of actions and reactions. If your actions change, his reactions HAVE to change.<p>Take a look at yourself and how you are in the marriage. If you find yourself saying, "I'm doing nothing wrong, I'm behaving in a loving way, it's that HE'S doing something wrong", go back to the drawing board and try again. Because most of the time, a spouse who's getting what he/she needs at home is not going to stray.<p>If you can get him to do so, fill out the Emotional Needs questionnaire. If not, do some good guessing. I'll bet you can figure out what his emotional needs are. My H needs attention (lots of it) and recreational companionship. And for me not to be controlling.<p>I'm not saying it's going to be easy. I was lucky in that I got pretty quick results once I changed. But still, it took me the better part of two years (and a lot of cognitive/behavioral therapy) to get him back to ME and get her out of the picture. <p>Ultimately, I had to write him a 2-page letter, single-spaced, explaining exactly what it was (in detail, with examples) about this friendship that I found so threatening. I admitted to having had failings in our marriage. I said that I had tried to fix the things I thought I was doing wrong, and I hoped he'd tell me if there were other things I could do.<p>But I had to wait until a) I had started to see changes and improvements in our communication; and b) I had gotten some distance from that initial panic and terror that you're feeling now, before I could do it.<p>You can probably find my posts from that time in the read-only archives.<p>I hope this helps. I'll be watching this thread, so please feel free to post questions.

To Cantstopcrying
Just wondering how your talk went with your priest. I am experiencing my own emotions with opposite sex friendships that are also co-workers. My H had become good friends with a girl from work. They both carry cell phones and she calls him on a freqent basis to talk about work or some other problem. She is very nice but I don't like the calls. It's getting to the point that everytime he mentions her name we end up fighting. Is this my own self-esteem issue or do we really have to be worried? My H has always had many "girl" friends but this was is different. I truely don't feel that there is anything at this point that they have done wrong but I worry it's just a matter of time.

Thanks everyone for your replies to my post. At least, I know I am not alone in this. I have so much to say I could write a book. First let me clarify that I do not think my husband loves this other woman or would ever leave me. But I feel so threatened by their relationship. I am so paraylized by fear that I still have my Christmas tree up!
Dazed and Confused....thanks so much for your input. Sounds like you have been where I am. I have already written that letter and made many changes in how I am at home and with my husband. I told him I was so secure in our marriage and his faithfulness to me that I felt I could behave anyway I wanted and he would always love me. He assures me that he loves me and has never stopped loving me. And I agree that he has no idea that he is doing anything wrong. We ARE communicating MUCH better and indeed our marriage seems stronger today than it has for years but he still has this friend. He has mentioned a couple of times that he saw no end to my pain except to cut all ties to this woman. I feel I am in a catch 22. How can I come to terms with it if I say nothing....or do I come off jealous and controlling when I speak my needs. I have NEVER been jealous or controlling and these are things my husband has always loved about me but as you say this is different.
He WANTED me to go talk to our priest and has agreed to go alone and with me as a couple to see him. This is how positive he is that I am the crazy one. Linbap....I saw the priest on Friday morning. He listened to my entire story. Then his advice to me was to first to pray not to be afraid because I cannot be good to my husband, kids or myself if I am living in fear. He did say he thought sometimes there can be opposite sex friendships in marriges but it is VERY tricky. He says though he feels that my H and I can work this out because in most of his dealings with this sort of problem one or the other spouse refuses to seek help and he felt like our marriage was still very healthy if my H encouraged me to come see him and agreed to go with me as a couple. He also told me that when people work together so closly for so long they do become emotionally attached but it would take Father explaining this to my H...that I never could....just like you said D and C! Father also told me not to hide any of my feelings from my husband. That if I was in pain my husband needed to see that and be the one to comfort me even if he was the one causing the pain....interesting?
This weekend we took a spontaneous trip to Atlanta...we live about 6 hours way....it was GREAT. We talked and talked and talked. And then this morning he said if I felt like I needed to I was more than welcome to come to work with him....I teach and have the day off...he has offered this on several occasions and I have taken him up on it some in the last two months. You can tell his friend isn't happy about it but we are civil. I turned him down today but made plans to take him lunch. My best friend says that if he was having an affair he would want to keep me as far away from her as possible. But again....it isn't a full blown affair that I am afraid of. I feel I am sharing him with her and I told him that. He actually said he could understand this.
By the way....he just called to tell me he wasn't working with her today that her husband was coming and he thought that would make me feel better....which it does. I think he is beginning to understand. Also, I have read if all people concerned were friends that would help. He mentioned doing something with her and her husband so I think I will try that....What do they say? Keep you friends close but your enemies closer!
Maybe I am blowing this entire thing out of proportion but as D and C said this feels different....not to mention that she is only 32 and been married three times so she has no idea about what real commitment is in a marriage and I KNOW she envies my life and marriage, she has more than told me so before I felt they were so close. My prior behavior may have allowed him to seek support and admiration somewhere else. But rest assured....NO MORE! It is too dangerous to let your guard down even for a day!
Will write more as it unfolds. Thanks again you guys for listening...this has been a Godsend for me. I will pray for all of your marriages as you pray for mine! Also, will keep you updated on our meetings with our priest.
By the way...where would I go on this site to read about Plan A? Could you give me some advice on how you put it into action in your marriages? Thanks

I am sorry Rudygriff. You were the one that asked about my meeting with the priest. I know how you feel. You just want to nip it in the bud, right? Did this come out of the blue for you? I asked about Plan A. Have you read about it yet? We are going to make our marriages better and then maybe there will be no reason for all those calls on the cell phones. Is it making you crazy? Me, too! I do feel like most of my H's converations are business related but I don't like that either...feels like they are working on a dream together, leaving me out. Our priest says that we may all have to sit down and discuss business since this is a family business. That my H and I are partners and she is helping us! I would think that if he were afraid of "being caught" he would have hid the phone bill but he wasn't the least bit concerned that I saw it.....until, that is, I became upset! I try to find some comfort in that. Plus, all the calls were during business hours...never at night. Seems like we have come to the right place to find support and advice. Keep me posted.

What is it about these friends? Ive also been thrust into the same situation,only now,it seems that she is a lot of the reason we are seperated.
My H,is an emt/firefighter,although he is only volunteer.She is 10 years younger,and also an emt. A year ago they started spending lots of time together and wouldnt do duties unless they could do them together,curious? I was not happy with this,often the duties would be over night,and i thought it was unnecessary,even dangerous. Well,i tried to let it go,and only made him aware that i was slightly uncomfortable.
This made him angry. anyway,,it got out of hand,,lots of cell phhone calls,pages...when i started to raise a stink he was furious. I was more furious when i found the love letters she wrote him.He claims that he *put her in her place* and that there just friends,but still wouldnt do *duties* with any other emt,and she was still calling,in other words he didnt step back from the friendship.So,,here we are in November,and i find out he was spending friday nights with her!! when he was supposed to be at work,and hes very close to looseing his job.I threw him out,not because of her totally,but because of the lies.after this happened ,he isnt so sure he loves me anymore? Yet,he tells me there is no affair? Fast forward a few weeks,,he isnt living at home,but agrees to therapy.Treats me coldly,wont say *i love you*,wont look at me when he talks to me.avoids my touch at all costs.
After some discussion,he admitted to an *indescretion* last year.But,still denies involvement with this other emt,,UGH I think the term used was *emotional affair*?
Any way,,,its still all new to me,,im sad,hurt and dont trust a word he says now. And would do a dance if this chick fell off the face of he earth.

cantstop, you said:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>He assures me that he loves me and has never stopped loving me. And I agree that he has no idea that he is doing anything wrong. We ARE communicating MUCH better and indeed our marriage seems stronger today than it has for years but he still has this friend. He has mentioned a couple of times that he saw no end to my pain except to cut all ties to this woman. I feel I am in a catch 22. How can I come to terms with it if I say nothing....or do I come off jealous and controlling when I speak my needs. I have NEVER been jealous or controlling and these are things my husband has always loved about me but as you say this is different.
<hr></blockquote><p>Oh, yeah, I hear you. Loud and clear. Went through the same thing. You don't want to be controlling, you don't want to tell him what to do, but you want this woman to get lost.<p>This is not going to happen overnight, kiddo. You are actually lucky. It doesn't feel that way, but you are, because your H is not so far gone. He still loves you, and he IS concerned (or at least he thinks he is) with your feelings -- but not enough to cut this babe loose.<p>One thing that will help is if he includes you in this 'friendship'. In his deepest involvement with Dragon Lady, my H would go to parties that his co-workers had and not invite me. I knew things were getting better when he started inviting me to go along. It sent a message, both to her and to the rest of them. Believe me, if your H starts behaving in front of her as if you two are a unit, and a strong one, she will lose interest pretty quickly. <p>These dames don't want a full-time guy, but they don't realize it. They think they want a guy who might leave his wife. So when they start getting signals that this ain't gonna happen, they lose interest.<p>The more you keep doing what you're doing in trying to repair YOUR side of the marriage, the less he'll feel he NEEDS this. It won't happen overnight, as I said; it took me over a year.<p>Remember: You can't control what he does, you can only control what you do. Being the best wife you can is what YOU can do. If you need help getting through this, get help! I saw a very good cognitive/behavioral therapist through my problem, and also dealt with a bunch of other emotional problems I had as well. And I'm a lot stronger now as a result.<p>If your H is not being secretive, that's a big plus. He's part-way there in that he recognizes that this is painful for you and he DOES care. The next step is to decide what's important.<p>It sounds like you're doing the right things. Please keep us posted.

Welcome csc.<p>I recommend "Emotional Infidelity" by M. Gary Neuman, Crown Publishers. Found it at B&N. Very pertinent.<p>Nip this in the bud. My H's EA destroyed our marriage. I also worried about being "selfish, too controlling, illogical, irrational" because OW was married to a man who was filthy rich and they had 3 kids, were devoted parents and attended church. H was in love with me, OWH was in love with OW, everybody was in love where they should be. <p>$300 cell phone bills every month and upwards. He leaves my S and I to sit alone and write long letters to her when they can't talk on the phone. I finally snoop and discover what he's been writing, all on his own, for YEARS!<p>Blowup, serious talks, OWH declares the Friendship "beneficial, benign, positive" and offers that instead of OW and my H only doing things together, the families do things together. Offers the 4 adults sit and discuss things. I back down, think I am unreasonable, and that if all 3 of them are right, I must be wrong.<p>Families DO get together, OW and H talk shop, tease, joke, banter, and I talk to other family members or play with the cats, feel like an interloper and tell myself not to be so selfish, that if I love my H I will be happy for his happiness with this woman friend.<p>Several events of her family to which only my H is invited. I stay home with our S. "Don't be selfish" I tell myself.<p>A year or so later, all affection, endearments, touch, eye contact, kisses, hugs, everything ceases. "Nothing's wrong! I love you as much as ever. More, even. It ain't broke; don't fix it."<p>Months later "I've never loved you. I felt forced into marriage. I can't pretend any more." <p>9 months after D day, he agrees to marriage counseling. Never stops contact with OW. One year after we start, things were even worse. And I've stopped loving him.<p>Another year passes. Total destruction of the marriage. Our S asks if we are getting a divorce. Because we have separate rooms.<p>In a nutshell. Opposite sex friendships will destroy a marriage as thoroughly as sexual intercourse, maybe more thoroughly.<p>I wish he'd move in with OW and her H so he could spend all his time yakking with her.<p>[ January 23, 2002: Message edited by: Bellevue ]</p>

Hey, cantstop, are you still there? Please post and let us know how you're doing and what kind of progress your H is making.

Busy week. I buried my mother today. No time to talk. Did have meeting with OW last Thursday. I called it to be friends. She came to let me know they would be friends whether I liked it or not. And to let me know he had been sharing all my thoughts and feelings with her. Big mistake! She changed the rules of engagment....drew a line in the sand so to speak. Anyway....I gave H to end of week to see priest. Called for counseling for myself. Scared H...I think. He has been asking around for advice. Good friends....good advice. He is a little humbled and ready to admit relatonship not good for marriage. Will write more when there is time and strength. Question? When does Plan A become smothering? OW hinted to this in meeting. I thought H was really loving it or maybe he is? MAybe OW is scared because H is saying postive things about the marriage instead of negative? Thoughts on this? Concrete Plan A ideas should I pull back? Thanks you all for all the support!

Wished I had time to write about the meeting with OW. I am just so thankful NOW that my H's plant closed in MAY and that he had the accident in October...where I first saw how she felt about him. At the time I thought these were the worst things that could happen to me. But now I know losing my relationship with my H would indeed be much worse. Had these things not happened, I would have never known how close they had become or that she LOVED him! Like a father, she told me....yeah, right....do I look like I just fell off the turnip truck!
He just came home for lunch and brought me a dozen long stemmed pink roses and a card . I was stunned. He swears to me he didn't know he had done anything to hurt me but is willing to learn why. Like I said, he has been getting good advice from people he respects. Maybe his meeting with our priest will completely open his eyes to the pain he has caused me even if it wasn't a physical affair. He is a smart and loving man; willing to admit his part in all of this, I think. Please, continue to pray for me, for us, that I woke up in time and we can fully recover. I KNOW I am changed forever. I'll keep you posted.learn [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Sorry, I tried to make the word willing to "learn" in bold letters and the big grin after the part where he brought me roses. I am still a little new to the internet world. But am starting school tomorrow night to renew my teaching certificate. I need six hours and I am taking computer classes to fulfill these requirements. So, hopefully, I will get better at this. Once again, though, thanks for being there when I needed advice and support. You all have helped open my eyes, as well, and made me much smarter. Thank you!

HI, everyone. Feeling a little better this morning. Bellevue....I went out and purchased the book, "Emotional Infidelity". read the first chapter and WOW! It was so exciting to read because it was my H and how I had been with him. When we were discussing dinner I said I would get out in the rain and get it if he would read the first chapter while I was gone. When I got back the book was on the bed...not really sure if he read it but he was quite the rest of the night. From some of the things my H has said I think he is starting to look from the outside in. We were talkingthe other night about something totally unrelated and he made the statment about how stubborn he is. I think he was talking about me wanting the EA ended with friend. I am praying that because they are in business together...and her end isn't doing that well....that they will have a blow up and he can see things more clearly. I think if this ever happens he will see her as EVERYONE else sees her. She is the one I think that has been keeping the idea in his head to talk to her about me. I am hoping that she will say something about me that he knows isn't true and wake up to her toxin.
HE did call our priest this week and he didn't return the phone call. I believe this becuase Father is a VERY busy man. My H assures me he will call again today.
I, myself, have decided to try and stop crying and become cheerful. My plan of today is to not say another hateful word about her to him so that when she continues to talk about me I will be her foil. I still really believe that they became friends only because they were thrown together in a messy working enviroment. they worked long, long hours together and had to become friends to keep their sanity. I AM smarterthan her and am going to use my smarts to get her out of this picture. NO MORE CRYING! Only my old self....I will be only gentle, loving, caring, and funny. I KNOW in my heart of hearts when he compares the real me to her there is no competetion. I am VERY lucky that she is uneducated, not very attractive(except she is young), really she should attract only the roughest of men. This, however, is one reason the attachment had been so hard to understand. But I truly believe....maybe I am naive....that if I can pull myself together I can send her packing!

Sounds like he's coming around.<p>One more piece of advice, if I may:<p>You talk a lot about being the perfect, loving wife to him so he doesn't need this woman. This is an admirable goal, but who's setting the definitions? Many times we do what we THINK is loving, but it's not what our spouse's strongest needs are.<p>My mother spent a 24 year marriage thinking that packing her husband's lunch and cooking him dinner was what he wanted. Did she ever ask him? No. <p>Is this something you can talk to your H about? If so, try bringing up things he might enjoy doing that you can do together (recreational needs). If not, use your head. Step outside yourself and look at him objectively. What kinds of things does he like? Mine likes recreational companionship and a lot of affection/attention. What does yours like?<p>As for OW, well, she's not going to go away quietly. You're right, she's drawn her line in the sand, and frankly, she's enjoying this little competition. Don't worry about what she does, you can't control that. You can, however, control what you do.

Hi CSC. I know how you feel. I just read all the messages in this thread. I have a very similar problem. My husbands friends consist of him, 3 other guys and one woman. The woman calls my home for him, emails him and works with him and basically drives me nuts. My husband says she calls all of the guys (they all work together)at their homes and that the other guys wives don't have a problem with her. He keeps saying that she is the least of my problems and doesn't understand why I feel so threatened by her especially when the other wives are fine with it. I think that the other wives must be lying to their husbands. This just tears me apart, I feel like this woman's friendship means more to him than our marriage even though he says he loves me and there is nothing to worry about. He thinks I need to go for counseling to find out why I am so insecure. I have never ever been insecure in my marriage until now. I can't even say that I don't trust him, I just don't like them being friends and I think that he should respect my feelings and ask her to butt out, at least with the emails and the phone calls. At first he agreed and said it wasn't a big deal and now today he tells me he wants to be able to talk to her by email, phone or whatever. I just don't know if I am being overly sensitive and making a big deal out of nothing and if I am how do I make all of this stop being so painful. It just hurts so much. Yesterday I had to leave work because I was so upset about it that I couldn't even work. Any advice would be so much appreciated.

Well, I think we have made a break through. I posted earlier that I bought the book "Emotional Infidelity" last week. I had asked my H to read the first chapter but wasn't sure if he had or not. Well, he did. We went out Friday night to talk. We decided to have complete honesty between us. He told me...yes...he felt like he had had an EA with OW. WOW! What a confession. And that he had not wanted to admit it because he KNEW how painful that would be to me. HE thought more painful than me just thinking it! The reason was that I had shut myself off from him a few years ago.I have been more than willing to admit this for the last three months. That his sharing with his secretary had evolved and he had NEVER intentionally meant to hurt me but she was always there to listen. I asked him if he had shared my letters and notes with her the last few painful months and he said no but had told her some things from them. OUCH! I asked him if he had done more than kiss her on the cheek...which he had told me much earlier in this crisis. He promised there was never anything more; that he wasn't physically attracted to her at all and she was just a very, very close friend who had been there to listen when I wasn't. I have to believe him....I really never felt this was the case but had to ask so that I could clear the air. I told him that we could get past all this as long as we were truthful to each other from this moment on. He agreed. He swore he wouldn't share anything else personal with her.
D and C, is this a postive thing? For him to admit she was an EA? That he recognizes this and is willing to move on as long as I continue to be "there" for him? I feel like it is. He did agree,as well,to fill out the EN questionaire this week and we will meet sometime this weekend to discuss it all. I have started and I know I need to be truthful but am afraid of hurting him. He also is waiting for our priest to return his phone call. He says he will be open and truthful in this meeting. I agree, that I need to find out what he thinks "a good wife" is and I am more than willing to share my part of the blame and do what ever it takes to renew our marriage. This is is the first week he has seemed like he is hurting because he finally realizes how much pain I am in. I have read that is a good sign of a future healthy marriage. I think we just lost our way for a while.
The business venture is another issue. He told me some things about their agreement that makes dissolving the business hard. He cannot be bonded or get liablity insurance because of our poor credit rating. She can and he has been working under her umbrella of coverage. If he decides not to do this any longer...for our marriage....he won't be able to work for the company that is our main source of income at the moment. He says though if the priest or counselor tell him that this necessary to make our marriage healthy again he will do it. I feel at this moment that it is necessary but I can say no more without LBing. So, I have done all I can do about it. I have to let go and pray now that God will provide the answers. That He will send an angel of truth to my H or provide some way for the business together not to succeed. I do know how terrible my H is with money and she does not. They didn't ever deal with finances in their other place of employment. So, I think maybe if I let things alone she will see how he is and they will have a blow up about money. But I think we are on the right track and things look better now than they have in a long time.. I am going to Plan A so he doesn't have to look to her for his EN. I feel him coming back to me already.
DebbieP....I know your pain. I have never felt this much pain in all my life. Can you talk to the other wives? There is power in numbers. If you don't know them....tell your husband you would like to get to know them better and would like to invite them for lunch or something. But don't do this anywhere around a discussion of their "friend". I think we HAVE to trust our intuition. We have been married 21 years and I
never had this feeling before. Good thing I listened even when he made me think I was crazy. I don't think he even knew how deep he was in until I pushed the issue. But I agree with D and C, that you must try to make your marriage stronger so that NO OW is a threat. Refocus on him. This is a warning, at best.

cantstop, you asked:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>D and C, is this a postive thing? For him to admit she was an EA? <hr></blockquote><p>You bet it is. At least your H has been willing to read and listen. Mine never was, and I would put 20 bucks that I can't afford on the table right now that says if you asked him even now, he'd say she was "only a friend."<p>However, he is out of work again, and to the best of my knowledge, has NOT again contacted her to see if she knows anyone who would employ him.<p>The business arrangement your H has with this women is somewhat troublesome, but it does not have to be fatal. No contact is obviously better, but the fact that your H is motivated to work on your marriage helps a lot.<p>Since he's receptive, why not do the Emotional Needs questionnaire together? I never had that, I had to just guess (and as it turns out, I guessed largely right).<p>Others here will tell you that it's mandatory to dissolve the business partnership so there is no contact. As someone who's been hit by the recession so our household income has been cut in half and there's no light at the end of the tunnel so far, I will tell you this much: This is no time to be putting yourselves in serious financial jeopardy.<p>OTOH, if this dame is as predatory as you say, she might not take his rejection of her quietly, and could cause professional trouble.<p>So I have no answer for you on that, and since I don't believe that God micromanages individual people's lives, I can's speak to that either.<p>But from an emotional/marriagebuilding standpoint, I think you're in much better shape than you were when you first posted.

Hi
I also read the book "Emotional Infidelity" by Neuman. This same problem happened before I read it, although to a much much more milder degree. My husband had an online friend with the same academic and career background. They used to talk about computer stuff and even called each other "twin". I even met the woman and her husband a few times. They lived across country so there was little chance for contact. Well this woman wanted to go into business with my husband. My husband has always been radically honest and had told the woman that whatever she told him he would tell me. Well, she wrote a few inappropriate things in an email to him which she thought was private. She forgot my husband shows me everything. I got suspicious of her motives. After much discussion my husband agreed that what she said was inappropriate and working with her would just be problematic. Even though he was not attracted to her, he realized he had no control over her feelings for him. He also realized that spending time with her and enjoying the success of inventing a new product or building a business would create too much intimacy with her. He broke off all contact with her and has forgone the possibility of making a substantial sum of money in her business venture. One's marriage is not for sale for any amount of money.
Teresa