daughter depressed after father revelation - Marriage Builders® Forums

My daughter had her whole world pulled out from under her when she overheard my speaking of her father's infidelity.She is 21 and adores her dad. Now she doesn't even want to speak to him. She seems as hurt as I am about the deception and lying that has kept us from having an intimate marriage for over 29 years. She really "gets" it. I don't unload on her and have sent her to counseling. She's in college and has very little time. She's gone twice and doesn't want to think about it any more. Her father wants me to smooth it over for him. He let her think it was only one time and it was several. She thinks that constitutes lying and so do I. I wanted us all to sit before our marriage conselor and let them hash it out but he refuses. He says, for pete's sake, it's my daughter . I was only trying to spare her.

Dear artsy,wow. I can definately relate to your daughter. My dad moved out on Nov. 3, 2000. I am almost 25, and i am definately a daddy's girl,...or at least was. However, I am in a different role than your daughter. My father has confided in me somethings about his recent infidelity, but that doesn't make it easy. I guess the reason i still love and respect my dad (to some degree) is that he is honest with me. As for your H, he needs to talk with your daughter and tell her the truth. Their relationship can only be reconciled in the presence of truth, repentance and then forgiveness. Unfortunately, you will probably have a hard time telling him this and even having him act. However, from the perspective of the daughter, i would rather not know all of the troubles my parents face. My mother should not be confronting me with my dad's faults, and my dad should not be confronting me with my mothers faults. however, in my life, this is exactly what happens. I am the peacemaker, and so they think they can all run to me, and I will fix the problem. however, the real problem, is my parents inability to communicate with each other.Artsy, you have an important role in the degree of involvement of your daughter, as does her dad. Continue to love, support and encourage her. Help her to understand that it is not her fault. Also, it is important that your daughter come to the realization that her identity as a person is not determined by who her parents are, whether her parents are divorced - separated - married - widowed...etc., nor is her identity as a person defined by her job, the college she attends or by the people she has a friends.I have been working through many of these same dilemas, and i hope that in the words I have written you may find encouragement, hope and strength.Grace & Peace--Ceratium

Artsy-----It's time Dad did some growing up, which means that he "smooth it over" himself. Don't cover for him. Ceratuim---Perhaps your parents comunication would improve if you were not the "peace maker". Tell each parent that from now on they get to talk to each other if they have a problem and that you are not going to be the "go between". Stick to it no matter what and sit back and watch what happens. Don't rob them of the opertunity----unless this the place YOU like to be. ------------------ Marry

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by gottruth?: Ceratuim---Perhaps your parents comunication would improve if you were not the "peace maker". Tell each parent that from now on they get to talk to each other if they have a problem and that you are not going to be the "go between". Stick to it no matter what and sit back and watch what happens. Don't rob them of the opertunity----unless this the place YOU like to be. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Marry, I agree with you. It doesnt matter how hard I try to "stay out of it", everyone puts me back in the middle...including the OW of my dad! oh well, i will continue to resist. Thanks for the encouragement.Ceratium

Ceratium, I have also just learned of my father's plan to divorce my mom and I am in shock. I'm 35 and didn't expect this at my/their ages. You state you're working through this. How? Can you recommend any books or resources? I'd appreciate any advice you have. Thanks.

My daughter is 13 and overheard m e telling her dad last night that he had to pack his bags or call his married girlfriend. I tried to smooth it over, but she is devastated. Should I have kept her home from school. I thought she needed some normalcy in her life, so I sent her. She didn't object, but I know she will be thinking about us all day. Exxon