Oops... I unlocked my profile again on match.com... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> Posted it last night. Haven't subscribed yet... was gonna see what kind of responses I get.

Not ready... I don't think.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Someone I went out with twice, 3 years ago has already sent me an e-mail "remember me? Lets have coffee." yikes! I don't wanna... and don't know how to tell him.

I want to hide under a rock the rest of my life...........

you funny girl!

if ya don't wanna, then you don't hafta!

what happened with the guy 3 years ago? just not interested?
was he a creep? tell us more, and we'll help you craft a reply!

LOL... here come some more message. yikes. Where's my rock to hide under?

OK... I can do this.

Thanks lex. I'll be back shortly. *sigh*

Just be up-front with him...tell him that you are not compatible and good luck in his search for companionship...

No worries! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

WNB

Oh boy... well.. Mr. Blast From the Past... he's just so nice/polite/sweet. I guess I don't wanna hurt his feelings. <geez> I dunno... maybe it's a combination of several things. Physical attractiveness: I can overcome if enuff other stuff is there. He could be considered cute in his own way. So... more "why nots" than that. He's a biologist - which is fine and intellectually admirable and challenging for me - but he's really WAY over my head. A good portion of one of our conversations was about his fruitfly conference. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Yes - important - yes - important to him and his career - but not too exciting to me. His language otherwise is way over my head and I have trouble keeping up. He seems a bit like an unkempt "nutty professor" type... not sure why I got this impression...

He was very nice and respectful. Decent sense of humor. Travels a good bit, which I would enjoy going with him... no kids which is a definite plus for me.... We went kitten shopping, which inpired me to get one a few weeks later. He was also sweet enough to call me after he heard tornadoes were possibly in my neighborhood, several weeks after our dates, to check on me.

Well, so that's the run-down on him.... who knows??? With 3 years of practice (or whatever he's been doing), he may have changed a bit... improved his unkemptness?, maybe his language is more understandable?... should I consider coffee??? perhaps with a cautionary e-mail like "I'm not even sure why I posted my profile... I'm not even quite sure I'm ready to date again... or that we are compatible... but we could meet, and catch up, and see what happens" ....

no? too nice? waste of time?

[color:"blue"] Hi Faith,

Harley says that if the IQs aren't similar that there is a huge incompatibility issue - usually with the higher IQ partner feeling some level of contempt eventually for the lower intellect IQ partner.

I was never so frustrated than when I was with someone who didn't understand my point. The conversation should feel natural and flow and should be interesting to both parties when you have a good match there.

I recently talked on the phone to a guy who I thought was not a good match intellectually. After the phone convo, because I am a coward, I e-mailed him saying that while I thought he was "nice", I had made it a rule not to date men who didn't have children.

In my experience - men that have never had children don't understand my situation - with children.

He e-mailed me back saying he and his ex had tried and she was infertile - so there. And then he e-mailed me again chastising me for giving him a "label".

You know what? I found out more about that man in 2 e-mails than I might have in months dating him. "So there?!!" Maybe I hit a sore spot, but geesh - that was rather childish. I wondered then if I should have shot him back an e-mail saying that the real reason was that I thought he wasn't very bright. I wonder what response that would have gotten?...

V. (feeling very mean lately - although I tried to let him down nicely. What the heck is a 48 yo man doing trying to date 40 yo women? 8 years is a big gap, don't you think?) [/color]

Faith,

Just going by what you stated here, I would say close your profile until you ARE ready.

Most "quality" people on those services are looking for people who are ready for relationships, and by your own admission you are not.

Now, there are lots of players and confused people on there as well, but they are the ones that give online dating a bad name. Again, you don't want to deal with them, or to join their ranks.

So what is the point of being on there if you are not ready? Either you will meet a "quality" person who will be frustrated with your unavailablity, or you will meet a flake. Why not wait until you are ready to meet a quality person, and then have a quality relationship with that person?

Don't go fishing if you are not ready to catch fish.

IMHO, of course <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

Thank you all for your responses. I REALLLYYYY appreciate it!!!! thinking... pondering....

I know I'm insane. *sigh*

Be direct, be honest, thank him for the compliment but your not interested. Been there, done that but now I'm just honest about it.

lol....i'm insane too.

Maybe I thought I was ready until Mr.Past surfaced sooooo quickly. So maybe I'm not.

Or maybe I AM ready, but just needed a little encouragement to get over this hurdle early in the game.

The other thoughts / prospects are not freaking me out as much now. Still haven't joined, and haven't hidden my profile. Still thinking... pondering....

Uhhh...My squeeze and I are 14 years apart. I'm 42 and she isn't 56...lol...you do the math

But I'm a low-mileage creampuff...only driven on Sundays.

Personally, I don't think 8 years is a big deal, especially once you are out of your 30s. JMO.

As for you Faith1, maybe you just don't want to date Mr. Past. Why not be completely up front? "I think you're very nice, but I don't think we'd work out romantically. So, if you're just interested in a friendly chat, I'm up for it. But that's it."

If you're not even interested in that, skip it.

Give me a man 8 years younger than me any time........ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

After all, younger men run in my father's family. He, his brothers, and his dad ALL married older women.

Men don't live as long as women. We outlive them by about 7 or 8 years. So, a man 8 years younger would be just about right. We'd both kick off about the same time.

I figure a man much older than me wouldn't be able to keep up with me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> After all, I was an older mother when I had my 14 year old. Now, I'm the age when lots of people have children in college. A man whose children are that old might not want to hand out with my 12 year old. So, instead of an older man, I'll take a 'sweet young thing' anyday. But he has to be old enough to have already had his mid life crisis. Been there. Done that. Lived to tell about it.

-----

Faith - you should probably just be honest with him and tell him that, though he is a nice guy, you just don't think you have that much in common.

[color:"blue"] RM [/color]


[color:"blue"] I'm low milage too, and the 48 yo guys that contact me are overweight and look high milage. Might be different if they were the sort to take care of themselves. Additionally I have young (7&8 yo) children. The guys that contacted me were either childless or empty nesters. Only one would have been delighted to be a full time stepdad. I've had my fill of childless men that are my age. The couple that I dated and the one especially that I had a year long relationship with were guys that had never had to grow up - they were self-indulgent and tried to justify any independent behaviors as "well I knew you wouldn't be able to come because of the children". IMHO it was an example of one way that a man uses to get away with having a committed girlfriend, but not having to give up his previous "bachelor" lifestyle.

Sorry to threadjack and in the mood I am in this morning I need to chill before this becomes a rant.

V.[/color]

Old, young it doesn't matter.

I have only found one woman who could keep up with me sexually and energywise, and even then it was only in spurts.

When it came to the long hall, they never had the staying power.

That said, I thik if I ever become single again i would want to date a younger woman, because I find that women in their 30's who are umarried without children have as one of their top priorities having children. And I am not ready for that, not even close heh.

Thank you all so much for helping me think through this. I've got to make a decision today sometime. I'm leaning toward subscribing, so I can respond, as to not leave them hanging. I sent some of my "non-suitable" suiters the auto "no, thanks". But I think overall that I'm ready to go for it and give this a try.

As for Mr. Past, I believe I will send something along the lines of Greengables' suggestion, like "I think you're very nice, but I don't think we'd work out romantically. So, if you're just interested in a friendly chat, I'm up for it. But that's it."

And on the age thing, (of course we had an age discussion here a few weeks ago as well), 8-12 years doesn't bother me at all. But every situation is different, depending on the maturity and life-experience of the individuals. I'm also more "comfortable" with the man being older, than vice-versa. However, my aunt is 15 yrs older than her (2nd) husband, and they are VERY happy. I can't imagine anything different for them!

I don't know if it is a threaddjack since it is still slightly on topic...lol

Your reasons for the age stuff are very similar to mine, I too have younger children and quite a few women my age aren't interested in re-living those years, My youngest are 7 and 9 (along with a 14 and 16yo), let alone women that are OLDER than me.

I've dated women that don't think it may be a big deal(at first), and other that are very upfront about their desire to not raise little kids again and thats OK with me too.

But for the most part so far women from 27 to 35 do not seem to have issues with the children like older woman do. They have little ones of their own and understand the challenges.

Maybe you ought to run from the childless? A 40yo man thats never been married and has no children seems a bit odd to me but of course circumstances can account for that for some.

I'm not really interested in women that don't have children unless there is a medical reason for it because that time will come when it becomes something they want and I am not having more babies. And if they DON't want children they certainly won't be the type of person I need or my kids need in their lives. I have 4 with me full-time and that is a challenge under ideal conditions.

TTFN

But those women who don't have children may have biological reasons for not having children. You may be giving them short shrift.

[color:"blue"]
In RMs defence he did say that there may be some women who had biological reasons and also that with some childless men it could be circumstances.

I think in the case of BF, it was that he and his wife split before any children were conceived, and he was so jaded by the entire marriage thing (he was BS) that he engineered subpar relationships where he could stay uninvolved.

The poor guy that was too old/childless was certainly a guy that had tried to have kids and his wife couldn't. That doesn't make him the same as a guy that had kids. I still stand in my belief that only the actual experience itself can give the necessary understanding.

A person that never had children would be shocked by the way that siblings regularly treat one another, or the way that a child will try to assert their own authority over that of a parent as a teen. (or even younger) The childless one does not remember their own attempts as a child or teen to do many of the same things. Heck my first kid was a major challenge - it was only on the subsequent children that I started to remember all the crap I put my parents through.

People that have no children somehow expect that children should be better behaved than they are in reality. And childless people tend to assume that it is the parent that determines all behavior, and not the temperment of the child. Tell that to someone with an autistic or MR child - or even ADHD. That parent of a disadvantaged child will be quick to correct that misconception as they patiently deal with all of the child's behaviors that have nothing to do with parenting skill.

Anyway, I'm coming off the soapbox. Except to add one thing - the childless person will not even begin to understand why you think they will not understand. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />
V. [/color]

Well, I'll disagree with you about the childless not understanding...but ony a little bit. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think I have at least SOME understanding (though probably not completely.) I have a sister who is almost 10 years younger, plus an older brother. And I do remember very much both my brother beating on me, and him beating up others who were picking on me. He was allowed, others were not. I remember my sister being very sweet one second, and a little Tasmanian devil the next, and regardless of how I handled it, having my mom get on my case about it.

I was one of those strange kids who really didn't put my parents through much - but I remember well my sister and my mom being constantly at it. And I remember trying to explain to her that she was mom, therefore she wins, and that my sis should just shut her mouth, that she'd get in a lot less trouble. And still she never could.

And I can remember my mom being so firm with us about a lot of things - in particular, food. We ate what she made, and if we didn't we could go hungry. That worked fine with my brother and me... but the rules changed completely when my sister came around. Why? Because she could just refuse to eat for days or even weeks on end. She did exactly that any time she got sick. When you've got a child who is going from being sick because she caught something to being sick because she isn't eating, and who was chronically underweight, you feed her macaroni and cheese every single day for 3 months if that's what she'll eat. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> My parents raised all three of us kids the same - so why did they have to handle my sis so much differently? Because we were different children.

I was telling a friend something about this stuff the other day. She was saying how she couldn't believe what some parents let their kids wear at church. I told her that I've seen it with both my sister when she was growing up and with my niece now (just turned 13.) You have to pick your battles. With some kids, it's easy. With some kids, all you would ever do is correct them and tell them no if you stand your ground on every little thing, and that isn't good for them either - makes them just ignore everything equally, and then you don't get the truly important things across to them. So with some kids, you're forced to pick your battles.

And with some kids, even that doesn't work!

Ok, sorry for the threadjack.... While I understand why parents say the childless can't possibly understand what a parent deals with, I think it's just like with kids - everyone is different!

OSXgirl

You actually have a clue! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Hmm. I don't have children. I don't have a medical reason for not having children. By your words, you would not consider dating me. Granted, I'm a little bit older than the women you might consider dating, as I'm 45 years old, but lets pretend that I'm only 41 like when my ex moved away with the slug and I finally gave up thinking I might stay married...

By virtue of the fact that I was 30 when I got married and my ex changed his mind about wanting children during our marriage, my child-bearing years were pretty well used up by the time I was divorced. So, no children isn't a choice I made, but it isn't because of a medical reason either.

I do think that there are often more complex reasons why a 40ish divorced person may be childless. At 42, I considered whether or not I would want to try to have a child if I met someone who wanted to. I think, at 45 years old, if I did, its likely not a great idea - not for me and not for a child.

So, I am a childless divorcee who is childless not for medical reasons and childless not by choice, until I became a bit too "old" to bear children. Where would that put me in your "to date" or "not to date" piles? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

No offense taken or meant, I just wanted to add another dimension.

T

Howdy!
First, I don't mind the threadjacking. Feel free, as long as we play nice. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I don't have kids, for various reasons. My ex-H and I waited to establish our careers and get some financial things in order, then we had trouble getting pregnant, then he had cancer, then he had an A and we divorced. So there I was 33 and divorced. And now I'm 35.

I won't get into all the kid / non-kid issues right now. I have some opinions/experience, since I just ended a relationship with a man with 2 teenagers...

Anyway....

I sent the "no thank you" e-mail to Mr. Past. No response. *sigh* I wish he would have said "I understand. Good luck.". Oh well.

Can you believe ANOTHER "Mr. Past" contacted me yesterday? hehe. Boy, I left a good impression with these men! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Anyway, he did NOT leave a good impression with me, and I was not as concerned with hurting his feelings. But anyway, I sent him a similar message as the other one. He immediately replied with "You have a nice life too!" Oh well.

THings are progressing nicely with my prospects. 2 conversations going, and 2 new great prospects just popped up yesterday.