When to start dating again? - 10/16/06 03:02 AM
Any thoughts on when to start dating again?
I'm separated, and won't be dating until after divorce. Assuming one year of separation, would that be enough time? Many of you are dating, and I'm curious if you've set a time to start dating or have encountered others who aren't interested because you haven't been long enough past your marriage.
Thanks.
MY STORY
Though this is my first post, I am not new to this site or its contents.
I am a 40-ish male. I married a couple of years out of college to my college sweetheart. We have two children, and I can’t imagine life without them. My W and I have always had difficulty communicating and understanding each other.
As with most people on the JFO and GQII boards, things changed when she found a friend to chat with on the Internet. A former high school classmate (I still cringe when I see the ads for Classmates.com and other such sites – is it me, or do they seem to encourage the disaster that is described below?). The amount of time on the computer was getting excessive and any attempt that I made to talk about it would end up with, “You have nothing to worry about,” and “I can’t believe you don’t trust me.” I found this site and it had a calming effect on me. I think that was because the site treats As in a very clinical fashion; here are the symptoms, here is what you need to do. The EA turned into a PA, and I was sitting there having her fill out the EN questionnaires with me. I read everything I could. And I tried very hard to get her to take my hand and walk down the path to fix what was broken. Her behavior wasn’t changing, and the amount of time on the Internet and not with the family continued. From this site, I learned about how to monitor IM chatting. The result was D-Day. It’s funny how the mind deals with things. Here I was saying, well if she’s having an A then I’ll be OK, and I’ll do Plan A, etc., etc. I started doing Plan A. When the truth comes though, it hit me like a ton of bricks. No sleep, no eating, endless, aching stomach.
When I caught my breath, I went to Plan A, and gave it everything I had. Despite not going to a MC, our M appeared to be getting better over the course of a couple of months. After the A with OM ended, she went back to communicating with him. Of course, in a much more secretive way. Something very big happened; I could describe it in detail, but I would prefer to be anonymous on this site, I would prefer that my W not read my posts and know that it is her H posting. Suffice to say that she did something that made it quite clear to a normal person that the A was ongoing. I responded in a manner to protect my family. After this event she accused me of acting selfishly; in a manner where I put myself ahead of the well-being of my children. Being a father is the most important thing to me, and this statement really hurt my feelings.
We went to MCing, and I approached it with a lot of enthusiasm. My W lied about the event. The MC said that I needed to put it behind me. After reading “Would you rather be married, or right?” on this site about 10 times, I decided that I would do my best to let it go. Contact with OM continued, which I brought out in MCing, and the MC was successful in helping my W end contact. We went about a year in MCing. I tried, but we never were going to go anywhere. Eventually, we were to read a book (I read it of course, she wouldn’t) that basically espouses the same ENs issues that the Harleys teach. We never got there. I ended MC when she revealed that, in essence, she wouldn’t be truthful in our sessions, not just the “event,” but anything else dealing with ENs, trust, intimacy, etc.
I continued to try and meet her EN, but the reality was that she had constructed a wall between us. Instead of spending countless hours on the Internet, my W began to spend countless hours out of the house. I suspect that during the time leading up to separation, there were at least two new OM. Eventually she hired an attorney. I would be positive to the best of my ability that the M could be saved, that the family could be saved.
I’m sure that the above sounds like I have done nothing wrong in the M. It does take two to make a M fail. I wasn’t meeting her needs leading up to the relationship with OM, and as things became dull in the M, I put my focus on the children ahead of my W. If I felt that I had none of the blame, then I would be 100% angry. Instead, I also feel a lot of sadness that much of this pain could have been avoided. Now, I firmly believe that the success of a M is based on Needs and Issues. If both partners don’t have “issues” (e.g., drug abuse) and both partners are honest about their needs and are willing to try to meet the needs of the others, I think such a M would last ‘til death do them part.
I have read that after an A, the path to recovery is a narrow one. Looking back at my experience, I would say that is true. So many times, I have seen BSs who are giving 100% to save the M, and it doesn’t work out because the WS is not on that narrow path with the BS.
If I have one negative for the Harleys, it would have to be Plan B for BHs. I couldn’t just leave the house to do Plan B. Such would get the BH in a heap of trouble in the family law department of many states, including my home state. Taking the children and running or kicking WW out of the house were not real options (at least they weren’t for me).
I am separate now. I can see that my WW misses me. For now, I keep our conversations short (just about the kids). I am mending. I still love my W, and I do hold some hope that she will want to reconcile, but I know that will probably not happen.
I want to thank Orchid, MortarMan, BrambleRose, and WorthaTry whose posts provided a lot of inspiration over the years.
I'm separated, and won't be dating until after divorce. Assuming one year of separation, would that be enough time? Many of you are dating, and I'm curious if you've set a time to start dating or have encountered others who aren't interested because you haven't been long enough past your marriage.
Thanks.
MY STORY
Though this is my first post, I am not new to this site or its contents.
I am a 40-ish male. I married a couple of years out of college to my college sweetheart. We have two children, and I can’t imagine life without them. My W and I have always had difficulty communicating and understanding each other.
As with most people on the JFO and GQII boards, things changed when she found a friend to chat with on the Internet. A former high school classmate (I still cringe when I see the ads for Classmates.com and other such sites – is it me, or do they seem to encourage the disaster that is described below?). The amount of time on the computer was getting excessive and any attempt that I made to talk about it would end up with, “You have nothing to worry about,” and “I can’t believe you don’t trust me.” I found this site and it had a calming effect on me. I think that was because the site treats As in a very clinical fashion; here are the symptoms, here is what you need to do. The EA turned into a PA, and I was sitting there having her fill out the EN questionnaires with me. I read everything I could. And I tried very hard to get her to take my hand and walk down the path to fix what was broken. Her behavior wasn’t changing, and the amount of time on the Internet and not with the family continued. From this site, I learned about how to monitor IM chatting. The result was D-Day. It’s funny how the mind deals with things. Here I was saying, well if she’s having an A then I’ll be OK, and I’ll do Plan A, etc., etc. I started doing Plan A. When the truth comes though, it hit me like a ton of bricks. No sleep, no eating, endless, aching stomach.
When I caught my breath, I went to Plan A, and gave it everything I had. Despite not going to a MC, our M appeared to be getting better over the course of a couple of months. After the A with OM ended, she went back to communicating with him. Of course, in a much more secretive way. Something very big happened; I could describe it in detail, but I would prefer to be anonymous on this site, I would prefer that my W not read my posts and know that it is her H posting. Suffice to say that she did something that made it quite clear to a normal person that the A was ongoing. I responded in a manner to protect my family. After this event she accused me of acting selfishly; in a manner where I put myself ahead of the well-being of my children. Being a father is the most important thing to me, and this statement really hurt my feelings.
We went to MCing, and I approached it with a lot of enthusiasm. My W lied about the event. The MC said that I needed to put it behind me. After reading “Would you rather be married, or right?” on this site about 10 times, I decided that I would do my best to let it go. Contact with OM continued, which I brought out in MCing, and the MC was successful in helping my W end contact. We went about a year in MCing. I tried, but we never were going to go anywhere. Eventually, we were to read a book (I read it of course, she wouldn’t) that basically espouses the same ENs issues that the Harleys teach. We never got there. I ended MC when she revealed that, in essence, she wouldn’t be truthful in our sessions, not just the “event,” but anything else dealing with ENs, trust, intimacy, etc.
I continued to try and meet her EN, but the reality was that she had constructed a wall between us. Instead of spending countless hours on the Internet, my W began to spend countless hours out of the house. I suspect that during the time leading up to separation, there were at least two new OM. Eventually she hired an attorney. I would be positive to the best of my ability that the M could be saved, that the family could be saved.
I’m sure that the above sounds like I have done nothing wrong in the M. It does take two to make a M fail. I wasn’t meeting her needs leading up to the relationship with OM, and as things became dull in the M, I put my focus on the children ahead of my W. If I felt that I had none of the blame, then I would be 100% angry. Instead, I also feel a lot of sadness that much of this pain could have been avoided. Now, I firmly believe that the success of a M is based on Needs and Issues. If both partners don’t have “issues” (e.g., drug abuse) and both partners are honest about their needs and are willing to try to meet the needs of the others, I think such a M would last ‘til death do them part.
I have read that after an A, the path to recovery is a narrow one. Looking back at my experience, I would say that is true. So many times, I have seen BSs who are giving 100% to save the M, and it doesn’t work out because the WS is not on that narrow path with the BS.
If I have one negative for the Harleys, it would have to be Plan B for BHs. I couldn’t just leave the house to do Plan B. Such would get the BH in a heap of trouble in the family law department of many states, including my home state. Taking the children and running or kicking WW out of the house were not real options (at least they weren’t for me).
I am separate now. I can see that my WW misses me. For now, I keep our conversations short (just about the kids). I am mending. I still love my W, and I do hold some hope that she will want to reconcile, but I know that will probably not happen.
I want to thank Orchid, MortarMan, BrambleRose, and WorthaTry whose posts provided a lot of inspiration over the years.