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Any thoughts on when to start dating again?

I'm separated, and won't be dating until after divorce. Assuming one year of separation, would that be enough time? Many of you are dating, and I'm curious if you've set a time to start dating or have encountered others who aren't interested because you haven't been long enough past your marriage.

Thanks.

MY STORY

Though this is my first post, I am not new to this site or its contents.

I am a 40-ish male. I married a couple of years out of college to my college sweetheart. We have two children, and I can’t imagine life without them. My W and I have always had difficulty communicating and understanding each other.

As with most people on the JFO and GQII boards, things changed when she found a friend to chat with on the Internet. A former high school classmate (I still cringe when I see the ads for Classmates.com and other such sites – is it me, or do they seem to encourage the disaster that is described below?). The amount of time on the computer was getting excessive and any attempt that I made to talk about it would end up with, “You have nothing to worry about,” and “I can’t believe you don’t trust me.” I found this site and it had a calming effect on me. I think that was because the site treats As in a very clinical fashion; here are the symptoms, here is what you need to do. The EA turned into a PA, and I was sitting there having her fill out the EN questionnaires with me. I read everything I could. And I tried very hard to get her to take my hand and walk down the path to fix what was broken. Her behavior wasn’t changing, and the amount of time on the Internet and not with the family continued. From this site, I learned about how to monitor IM chatting. The result was D-Day. It’s funny how the mind deals with things. Here I was saying, well if she’s having an A then I’ll be OK, and I’ll do Plan A, etc., etc. I started doing Plan A. When the truth comes though, it hit me like a ton of bricks. No sleep, no eating, endless, aching stomach.

When I caught my breath, I went to Plan A, and gave it everything I had. Despite not going to a MC, our M appeared to be getting better over the course of a couple of months. After the A with OM ended, she went back to communicating with him. Of course, in a much more secretive way. Something very big happened; I could describe it in detail, but I would prefer to be anonymous on this site, I would prefer that my W not read my posts and know that it is her H posting. Suffice to say that she did something that made it quite clear to a normal person that the A was ongoing. I responded in a manner to protect my family. After this event she accused me of acting selfishly; in a manner where I put myself ahead of the well-being of my children. Being a father is the most important thing to me, and this statement really hurt my feelings.

We went to MCing, and I approached it with a lot of enthusiasm. My W lied about the event. The MC said that I needed to put it behind me. After reading “Would you rather be married, or right?” on this site about 10 times, I decided that I would do my best to let it go. Contact with OM continued, which I brought out in MCing, and the MC was successful in helping my W end contact. We went about a year in MCing. I tried, but we never were going to go anywhere. Eventually, we were to read a book (I read it of course, she wouldn’t) that basically espouses the same ENs issues that the Harleys teach. We never got there. I ended MC when she revealed that, in essence, she wouldn’t be truthful in our sessions, not just the “event,” but anything else dealing with ENs, trust, intimacy, etc.

I continued to try and meet her EN, but the reality was that she had constructed a wall between us. Instead of spending countless hours on the Internet, my W began to spend countless hours out of the house. I suspect that during the time leading up to separation, there were at least two new OM. Eventually she hired an attorney. I would be positive to the best of my ability that the M could be saved, that the family could be saved.

I’m sure that the above sounds like I have done nothing wrong in the M. It does take two to make a M fail. I wasn’t meeting her needs leading up to the relationship with OM, and as things became dull in the M, I put my focus on the children ahead of my W. If I felt that I had none of the blame, then I would be 100% angry. Instead, I also feel a lot of sadness that much of this pain could have been avoided. Now, I firmly believe that the success of a M is based on Needs and Issues. If both partners don’t have “issues” (e.g., drug abuse) and both partners are honest about their needs and are willing to try to meet the needs of the others, I think such a M would last ‘til death do them part.

I have read that after an A, the path to recovery is a narrow one. Looking back at my experience, I would say that is true. So many times, I have seen BSs who are giving 100% to save the M, and it doesn’t work out because the WS is not on that narrow path with the BS.

If I have one negative for the Harleys, it would have to be Plan B for BHs. I couldn’t just leave the house to do Plan B. Such would get the BH in a heap of trouble in the family law department of many states, including my home state. Taking the children and running or kicking WW out of the house were not real options (at least they weren’t for me).

I am separate now. I can see that my WW misses me. For now, I keep our conversations short (just about the kids). I am mending. I still love my W, and I do hold some hope that she will want to reconcile, but I know that will probably not happen.

I want to thank Orchid, MortarMan, BrambleRose, and WorthaTry whose posts provided a lot of inspiration over the years.


Chuck BH(Me) and WW - 40-ish two children D-Day - March, 2002 Separated - August, 2006
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personally, i do not think ANYONE can tell YOU when YOU are ready to start dating again. only YOU know when you are. seriously, there will be people on here who say wait a year, wait 2 years, wait til your kids are grown and out of the house. it is ridiculous. you will know when you are ready. if you go out on a date or 2 and go "oh, this doesn't feel right at all" than you know you are not ready! my only advice would be to take care of YOU, get you where you want to be personally, financially, whatever. be the best you you can be, like just doing a plan A for yourself. you do need some time to heal. but you cannot put a time line on when you are ready to date. you cannot say, ok it has been 1 year i am ready to date now. that is stupid. just don't dive right into the deep end. wade in the shallow end, go on a date or 2 and see how it feels. if it feels ok, wade out a little deeper. if not, go back to shore for a while.

i do think that some alone time after a separation is a good thing. i made a big boo boo right after my separartion. then took a lot of time for me. dated a tiny bit, did not wade out too deep as i wasn't ready. for me, i personally was not ready to date someone seriously until about 10 months post separation. it took me that long to be good with me and what i wanted. some here would say that is too soon. i don't really care what they say, i know that that is when i felt ready. only YOU know when you are ready.

mlhb


God first, family second, and all else will fall into place.

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Quote
personally, i do not think ANYONE can tell YOU when YOU are ready to start dating again. only YOU know when you are. seriously, there will be people on here who say wait a year, wait 2 years, wait til your kids are grown and out of the house. it is ridiculous. you will know when you are ready. if you go out on a date or 2 and go "oh, this doesn't feel right at all" than you know you are not ready! my only advice would be to take care of YOU, get you where you want to be personally, financially, whatever. be the best you you can be, like just doing a plan A for yourself. you do need some time to heal. but you cannot put a time line on when you are ready to date. you cannot say, ok it has been 1 year i am ready to date now. that is stupid. just don't dive right into the deep end. wade in the shallow end, go on a date or 2 and see how it feels. if it feels ok, wade out a little deeper. if not, go back to shore for a while.

i do think that some alone time after a separation is a good thing. i made a big boo boo right after my separartion. then took a lot of time for me. dated a tiny bit, did not wade out too deep as i wasn't ready. for me, i personally was not ready to date someone seriously until about 10 months post separation. it took me that long to be good with me and what i wanted. some here would say that is too soon. i don't really care what they say, i know that that is when i felt ready. only YOU know when you are ready.

mlhb

I know not too many people read here, but this is an issue I wonder about. WW and I are separated 2 months. We've been on the rocks knowing our M is in jeopary for over a year. During that time she's had 2 EA's and 1 PA (that I know of) so obviously she's been dating. These are "friends" she meets at a local bar. She is still in contact with the most recent of her EA's and I have been told by mutual friends that they have been hot and heavy for a few months. "Friends with Benefits" since he is still married too.

My question........Although I am not looking for a relationship, I'm lonely. D is in process, papers signed, etc. Since the relationship has been so terrible the past year, I feel the need to test the waters to get my mind off our past and move on. I want to go out and play but my conscience keeps me at home.

Is this recommended?


BS (me) - 46
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Divorced June 2007
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are you and ww still living together? are you LEGALLY separated? is divorce in the process?

i personally would not start dating if you two are still living together REGARDLESS of what she is doing. AND, you have a conscience for a reason. I would say, listen to it. that would be my sign i was not ready.

mlhb


God first, family second, and all else will fall into place.

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also, if you are legally separated, papers signed for that, and not living together, i see nothing at at all wrong with dating. many on here would NOT agree with me, but legal sep is how many divorces start and make divorces easier. if you have a legal sep after one year it automatically goes to divorce (can go sooner if there are grounds) at least that is how it is in my state. divorces can take years sometimes. if you there is a legal separation and you are not living together, i see nothing wrong with dating. some people stay legally separated forever that i know. many i know could not afford a divorce.. they only choose divorce if they end up wanting to remarry. i know people who have been legally separated for years and never did divorce until they wanted to remarry. that part, to me, is a personal choice.

mlhb


God first, family second, and all else will fall into place.

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Thanks, mlhb. I agree with you that I'll know when it's right. Like hangingtough, though, I am lonely.

Perhaps a good approach would be to not date, but make friends in activities I'm interested in, like the gym.

Though my best friend would say, "Who cares? She's not for you." I was curious if anyone has jumped into the dating scene and found a lack of interest because you haven't been long enough from the "end" of your marriage.

Thanks.


Chuck BH(Me) and WW - 40-ish two children D-Day - March, 2002 Separated - August, 2006
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I would suggest that it is never too soon to get into a relationship after your divorce. However, I do believe that you should never make a commitment too soon after a divorce.

'Rebound' relationships can be part of your healing process. I think it can be very therapeutic to validate your desirability to the opposite sex if your divorce leaves you feeling unwantable and undesirable.

The problem is, the feelings you develop in the new relationship are inextricably tied into the fallout of your past relationship. It feels pretty good, like when you stop hitting your head against a wall, but just because the pain is gone doesn't mean you can see straight.

The feelings are so good, people generally don't want those feelings to go away, so most feel the answer is to commit to this person. The mistake is in believing that this person is what is making you feel so good.

Commitment should never be entered into until you reach the point when you don't need commitment. When you reach the point when you can honestly say 'I could remain single for the rest of my life, and it would be a good life' are you really healthy enough to choose a partner who is best for you. If you can't stand being by yourself, chances are, you will settle for less. You will overlook flaws, you will make excuses, and ultimately tie yourself to someone who will probably make you miserable.

Last edited by TheBigGuy; 10/17/06 12:53 AM.

~Big Guy

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Currently a RENTER.
Still working on my TAKER.
Looking for the one who'll hold my hand at 85.
TheBigGuy #1758698 10/17/06 06:08 AM
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It seems that so many of us who have been through heck and back in a bad relationship or marriage feel like we "deserve" something or someone better. Then, we go off and we start looking for this. It is almost universal, going and having a rebound relationship. Maybe we have to have this, to learn. I know I had several. but if you can just be aware of this, that these "growing relationships" that we find ourselves in are often temporary. Though they are hard to stay away from, and many times necessary to find ourselves again. No one can usually talk us out of them, but afterward, the hurt can be worse than before, and I for one realized I just needed to be alone for a while, but not until I had badly hurt several guys. We usually end up doing what we want to do no matter what others tell us, but please protect your hearts, and the hearts of those you go out with, try to keep it light. Too often we want to feel in love again, feel wanted and needed, when what we really need is to love ourselves again.....and realize that another person is not going to make us happy. Instead of looking for the right one, we need to become the right one.

Take it slow. You have your whole life ahead of you.


Me, 49
Divorced 3-13-03
son 21, daughter 18, daughter 16
“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new
thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland” (Isa. 43:18, 19).

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NO, not living together anymore. Yes, legally separated with the D in process.

Actually went on a date last night. Tested the waters.....No biggie, just some drinks and dinner. Kind of different to get back out into the single world. While it was fun, I would still prefer to be going out with my STBX but as of now that's not gonna happen.

Slow and steady......Gotta get the MOJO back. This was a good way to get my mind off of her and focus on me.


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hey, that's ok. dinner and drinks is great! and yes, for awhile you might long for what might have been had the A not happened, had your ww not turned wayward. but... that is the past. it did happen, and it will never be what it might have been. i felt that way in the beginning but am wayyyy past that point now.

my ONE BIG word of advice... DO NOT have sf with someone until you are completely ready and in my personal opinion, until you are in an actual relationship. take it from me, and i am sure others on here, that first sf after divorce, when not in a relationship, is such an emotional rollercoastre ride it is not even a little bit funny.

that is a biggy for me, i must be very involved with someone for sf. and i was not when i did it the first time after separation and i was a MESS. and i know others who were too.
just becareful in that arena ok?

mlhb


God first, family second, and all else will fall into place.

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CN,

I'm on the same boat as you are. Separated since 9/11/06, D filed by WH who was escorted by cops that night, now living with his sister at their late mother's house. It does get lonely, but it comes down to your consciense and whether or not you're ready.

I promised myself I wasn't going to date until D is final because it makes me feel like I'd be stooping down to my scumbag of a WH's level. I try to keep busy, work on healing myself and revamping my career. I call my friends and sister every day, gardening and playing with my rescued dog.

One of my long-time male friend has expressed interest in me. We go back 12 years. He's seen me go through two marriages while I've seen him go through several relationships. We'd call each other from time to time to get fe/male perspectives in our respected relationships, like best friends do. I think he's always been interested in me, he just never told be about it until recently. But we always knew where to draw the line and we both repected each other and our friendship.

Told him I wasn't ready and what I promised myself which was that I wouldn't want him or any guy at this point to end up being the "rebound" guy. He understood and respected me even more. I can't say if he will be the first guy I'll date. But he has been a wonderful friend. He even promised he would never treat me the way my WH has done.

I have already talked to his relatives over the phone whom I have yet to meet and they are wonderful loving people. One of his cousins called and sang me a song and had me laughing off my buns. In the end, his cousin said, "we haven't met you yet, but we've also met his past girlfriends and we think you're the one." He and his wife invited me to their nephew's wedding next month.

We last saw each other nearly two years ago. We work for the same company. I know he would be an excellent long-time partner potential, even marriage. He is completely opposite from my soon to be ex-WH. He has a large and very close family. WH is passive aggressive, while he's assertive like me. He's close to his sibblings, my WH barely talks to his. He laughs at my sarcastic jokes, WH thinks I'm picking on him and being rude. He knows how to enjoy life while WH depends on others (OW included) to make him happy.

Who knows maybe there's a reason why we remained great friends this long. Only time will tell.

Our relationship hasn't changed even though we now talk to each other more frequently than before...just nothing romantic, just your standard conversation. He knows and understands. But,vhe's willing to wait when I'm ready. And I know, he'll always be there if I need to vent or just to talk and he the same as we have done the last 12 years. I also don't expect him to wait for me. Should he decide to date, I know it wouldn't affect our friendship one way or the other.

So, WHEN? When you can honestly say "yes" without any regrets or guilt.

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I have a related story to tell. Stargazelily: your long-time male friend sort of reminds me of this and it might give others a smile on this often-sad forum.

My Father stayed married to my Mother for 49 years until she passed away about 4 years ago. Growing up it was clear that their marriage was a serious struggle. My Mother had a life-long illness that debilitated her mentally and physically, and my Father struggled with jobs, money and self-esteem. My Mother’s illness led to my Father being a full-time caregiver for her last several years. It was very hard work for him. He dreaded each day, but stayed true (in sickness and health) to the end. About a year after my Mother’s death, my Father took a trip to his childhood home in Oklahoma City. He looked in on a high school girlfriend who’s husband had also recently passed away. My father and her had loosely kept in touch for all those years. She wrote to my Father while he was in the service at the end of WWII. They occasionally exchanged cards and knew of each other’s lives and families. The past couple years she has come to California to visit and he likewise to Oklahoma. They vacationed together in Colorado and now regularly email or call. This next week they are going to the AARP convention in Anaheim, and I’m having them to my house for dinner.

Love and connectedness takes many forms and fills many deep needs in our personalities. How are any of us to know what and when is right for relationships. It’s just to deep and personal.


In the ant's house the dew is a flood Every day is a winding road Every way is a faded sign
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I just talked to my attorney about this subject and his response was "you better not be dating yet".

In my state (southern state), the court still considers it adultery even though you are separated. It can possibly affect the outcome of property settlement and parenting plan. Depends on your process and the judge. If you are settling and have an agreement in place, it might not be a big deal. If the court is involved with the split it can become a huge issue.

Guess I'll be hanging with the boyz, watching football the next few months. lol


BS (me) - 46
WW - 37
Separated on Sept. 1, 2006
Divorced June 2007
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Hey Chuck, You hanging in there???? Did ya' end up going out?

Me.....I'm starting to have a blast. MOJO is back. Got them waiting in line (lol). Why did I hang onto a distastorous marriage relationship for so long and tolerate her cheating and substance abuse?

Not hearing many positive words from my WW the last few weeks so I said heck with it. I'm 45 and don't have too many "handsome" years left. Better have some fun now and forget about the demons of the past.


BS (me) - 46
WW - 37
Separated on Sept. 1, 2006
Divorced June 2007

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