Hi there! If you dig a bit, you'll find several threads on mine on EN's that detail some of my history. I give you a short recap here:

I am 47, XW is 43, and DD is 13. We hade been married 18-year and lived together for 7-years before marriage.

About 3-years ago, I had some issues with our relationship that I brought to the forefront. This is when I learned about MB and this site and have an old thread that reflects this period. We both made adjustments and things were good for a while.

My main issue was SF. We would get into a pattern where I would withdraw from lack of SF, we would then have conflict ,then some normal frequency of SF would return and then it would again taper off. This went on for the last 3-years. I felt that for the last 3-years that I had done a very good job at meeting her needs.

In the end, we became more equal and then the balance of power shifted to her. I became emotionally fused with her. We had some outside influences that disrupted our marriage, but neither of us had any type of affair that I have solid proof of. From 05-2006 through 11-2006 we had many ups and downs and blowouts. We both saw separate IC's and I started a course of ADs, which I am still using (10-mg Lexapro daily). I thought things were looking up and she even agreed to talk to my therapist. She steadfastly refused MC.

She had been busy. She announced on 11-03-2006 that she filed for divorce and retained an attorney. On 11-05-2006 after I had calmed down, we ironed out 95% of a separation agreement. On 11-07-2006 I moved out and into a friend's house.

We ironed out many details of the separation and custody agreements. The highlights are that I kep my 401K and pension and have zero debt, she keeps the house and I pay $250.00 per month child-support. I did not retain an attorney and was able to fully understand and amend both the separation and custody agreements. Neither of us had to go to court. She is paying all of the court and attorney fees.

I close on a brand-new house tomorrow that is about 15-miles away from XW. I've been out twice last week with a girl that I met a week before.

More to follow later.

Welcome to the other side!

Actually, it's a lot of fun over here. Now, if relationships aren't working out, we just break up with the losers. And if some less-than-bright bulb breaks up with us, everyone here tells us how we deserved better, the person wasn't right for us anyway, etc.LOL.

You said the woman you've been out with is the opposite of your wife. You probably know this is not uncommon. I'll just echo the motto of this board: Take it slow.

Welcome.

Thanks GG. I realize the need to take things slow and have expressed my desire to do so to the girl that I have dated. I want to keep it light and fun. I know that I am in no way ready for a serious relationship. I need to settle into my new life and make the adjustments that are required to do so. I need time and space to heal.

I am tempering myself to take things slowly.

I have been lurking and learning a lot from Greengables and others, but I disagree with the advice to take it slow because.....

....on 11-03-2006 that she filed for divorce
....On 11-05-2006 after I had calmed down, we ironed out 95% of a separation agreement
....On 11-07-2006 I moved out and into a friend's house


The advice I got (and am very glad that I took) was to complete the divorce process BEFORE dating, to deal with the ending of one relationship before beginning another.

I agree with Greengables that this is a fun board. I read here on and off because it helps me to identify what I still need to work on in myself before I do start dating others.

Everyone's schedule of recovery will be different. My schedule is perhaps a lot faster than others. My therapist has been very pleased with the pace of my progress. I have diverted my focus away from what was to what is and what will be. I am purpose oriented and will be moving into my own house this weekend. I have goals for the next 3-years. My old life is over.

I also have a schedule for recovery. Actually, it seems to be very similar to yours. The biggest difference that I can see is in the pace of accomplishment--everything on my schedule has/is taking muuuuuuuch longer than I had anticipated that it would.

If you have the formula or secret to speeding things up, you could probably rake in $millions if you could bottle it (or write a book on it). I'd be your first customer! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

My experience on this board is that everyone thinks they can beat the grieving process only to find out otherwise.


That can be a double edged sword. You really have to go through the stages of grief over the old relationship before you are truly ready for a new one.

Having said all that, I would not say "don't date". Just date and go slow, and don't use a new person to help you get over the death of your marriage.

Welcome to the board!

AGG

The grief process is often called a "slippery slope"...meaning when you think you've got it licked, and you think you are healed, you can slide back down again. It is normal to do this. I thought I was healed within a few months of my divorce, and even went out and got engaged (and broke up withing a couple of weeks)....Just be aware that when the experts say it can take approximately a year for every 4 or 5 years you were married, they know what they're talking about.
I do wish you the best. Dating again is lots of fun. Take it easy and date around for a while is my best advice. Also, remember, it is okay to be alone...
KK

I do think grieving and recovery can really depend. They take time, but for some of us, that grieving took place during the marriage. When you’ve worked really hard to have a good marriage only to be blocked time and again by your spouse, and this goes on for years, I think the grieving after separation is much shorter. Also, the grieving process for the one who leaves, files, etc, is much different than the one who is left. I wish I could say B didn’t go through he** when I left because he had never worked on the marriage and never made any of the changes I needed. I wish he hadn’t been dreadfully hurt. However, I know he was.

Recovery is a little different. That seems to me to be as much about establishing new routines and interests and getting comfortable with being single again. I think it takes time, but I don’t think it excludes dating casually. (And here we go. We can all go into dating, casual dating, friends, and courting all over again!)

Booka, when I read the time frames, I had seen 2006, but I was thinking 2005. That is a very short time frame. Most of us had divorces that dragged.

Hi booka,

Sorry to hear you are joining the D club.But it's a good support board.I only wish it were a bit more busy like GQII but,we got what we got.

Can't say I agree with you dating.In fact,I tell everyone that I post to that I am dead set against it until you are officially D'd and have had time to heal.In fact,I have my own banner to ~wave~.lol To me there aren't timelines or differences in recovery until you are D'd.It's just something everyone should take care of first before jumping out into the fray again.

Ok,now that that is said.Welcome!

By the way,I took a look at the link to your new home on the EN board.You must be proud and excited to get moving in soon.Buying a new home,although a bit anxiety provoking,can also be a great pleasure and you can start a new life.Congratulations!

When I was ready to date again, but sure I wanted to, my friend made a great suggestion. She suggested I go to places where there are men and start interacting. Go to the YMCA, a prime meatmarket around here. Go to the library or Borders. Go to Starbucks. Whatever. Get used to being single in the sense of “available.”

I think that helped me a lot. And here’s why.

First, I got used to being out there, so when I did go on a date, I wasn’t petrified since it had been years.

Second, by just talking to men some of my emotional needs were met. I got conversation, recreation, and admiration in small doses. This made me less vulnerable to a man who could talk, play and admire me in a way I liked. In other words, I was less likely to fall for someone just because it had been so long since any of my Ens had been met.

Third, I wasn’t feeling sorry for myself. Instead I was reminded I was a reasonably attractive person.

Fourth, I got some practice recognizing decent people from jerks.

Boy, the way I wrote it, it sounds like I was getting hit on left and right. I wasn’t. I met a handful of people. Many of whom weren’t interested in me romantically at all; they were just passing the time. Still, it was good for me.

I think I agree with this. My WW essentially was mentally divorced for the past year. After being apart for about 3 1/2 months now she has a new guy whom she took to her family's place for Christmas and spends all her time with. It appears she feels in love with him. My DD has heard him say I Love You to her.

As it was said....slippery Slope.

I agree.I was the BW so,my ex essentially has suggested before, "What? You haven't got a life yet? C'mon". Geeze <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I DO have a life,a great one, just not dating yet until I am sure/ready.I'd still rather be a BW then a WS like him anyday!

As Dr.Phil says, "I'd rather be alone and healthy than sick and with someone".

Hey, when I said those that leave have a different recovery time, I wasn't even thinking of WSs. Personally, I think it's really difficult for them to heal and become healthy. They're mostly in denial about what's been happening.

GG,

I agree with you regarding recovery time. Although I was the BW and stayed in the marriage for 1 1/2 year during my XWH's A. I was the one who packed up and left and filed for D. My grieving process took place during the last 1 1/2 yr. of my marriage. I lost so much weight, my health deteriorated, I did go to IC during that time and about 6 months after I left my XWH.

Once I left my XWH, my recovery process improved quickly. I did take time to pamper myself and focused on my children. I attended Divorce Care and became involve with a church.

It's been 2 1/2 yrs. since my left my XWH. Now I am in a healthy relationship, I provide a stable home for my children and have a great job. My children, BF and I are very active with our church.

As for my XWH, he and MOW were engaged last March and broke up in May. I can honestly say that his relationship with the children have suffered. He is not happy, although he tries to cover up.

The BS are usually in a fog, and like you said, it is difficult for them to heal because they are in denial.

Yes! Your story is great. My mother healed pretty quickly too and she was a BS who left when Dad couldn't give up OW. Mom did well, and it took Dad years to get over her divorcing him.

I closed on the new Thursday 12-28-2006. I had DD13 along for the full day and she was very excited about the new house and very helpful in setting things up. I have a fully functioning kitchen, laundry, and bathrooms. I need beds and furniture and would settle at this point for 2-beds and a kitchen table. Cash is a bit tight at present but I get paid this week and will have some cash from the sale of some assets that will be available near the end of the month.

On Saturday 12-30-2006 I brought the girl that I have been dating up to have a look at the house. We spent about 2-hours with the tour, setting up some additional items, and conversation. I later took her out to dinner and then went back to her place and watched some TV and snuggled. Everyone around here is sick with cold-like symptoms, including her and me, so I left early so that she could get some sleep. She had previous plans for New Year's Eve so we were not together for it but did talk on the phone several times. We generally talk on the phone every day. I asked her to pick an evening this week and I will cook her dinner at the new house.

I have grieved in one fashion or another for 6-months. I'm pretty much done with it now. My seemingly rapid recovery was assisted by a quick (about 6-weeks) divorce that was fairly pain-free, the fact that I had moved out of my ex-house and into an environment that helped me a lot, and some clear goals, including the new house. I'm not a resentment or grudge kind of person. I am interested in what went wrong, but I don't obsess about it, knowing that I did what I was equipped to do in an attempt to save the marriage and that ultimately, I will become a better person, although the path was very painful to get to this point and I don't recommend it as a self-improvement course. I've been through some very dark places and can now see the light. It's probably more of a mental attitude more than anything else.

The XW called me last night and we had an expansive conversation. She was in an odd mood and did quite a bit of crying and apologizing to me. It can be argued that she treated me quite badly the last few months of our marriage and she had her own justifications for doing so, particularly the divorce announcement. I asked her why we got divorced and she truthfully answered. We discussed quite a few other things that I had been curious about for a long time. She asked me some interesting questions and we discussed some business and custody issues as well. I was left afterwards feeling amused by some of the things that she had said. Now, neither of us have any intention at a reconciliation and this conversation was not about that. It was interesting as a sort of post-mortem of our marriage.

I found out after speaking to the XW yesterday during business hours that she was very drunk and didn't remember much at all about our conversation on Monday. I wish that I had a recording of it. Oh well.

Here are some notes on my dating experience. Since I became divorced I have dated one person and asked several others out. I do not ask for phone numbers and instead give out my name and phone number usually on a business card. I tell a prospective date to call me if they are interested in me, otherwise they can toss the number away. I met a girl this past weekend that I was attracted to at a bar. After chatting with her a bit, I gave her my number and asked her to call if she was interested. She replied that she was dating someone. I replied that everyone says that they are dating someone, i.e. it's a standard reponse that may or may not be true. I replied that it may be true that she was dating someone and that should not preclude her from expressing interest in me at her discretion.

The person I am currently dating I met in a bar and she said that it was unusual that she would go out with someone that she had met this way. She called me 3-days after we had met and we spent 2.5-hours on the phone talking. We have been out 3-times and usually talk to each on the phone every day. She has been divorced for some time and has a DD16. In almost every way, she is the antithsis of the XW. If nothing else, we will be great friends. So far, we have been affectionate but have not had sex. I would like sex, but I am not pressing it as an issue. One thing that the XW unknowingly taught me is that I can survive without sex, which is something that I would have believed until recently. I have not had sex in over 3-months. I told this girl that I would like to keep our relationship fun and light with no shack-ups or living together as goals. She meets some of my criteria in owning her own home and being steadily employed. I am not greatly physically attracted to her and this sometimes concerns me, although she makes up for it with her personality. It a lot of regards, she is not an opposite of me as the XW is.

Part of my philosophy is that I want to seriously revise or ignore my normal attractions to the opposite sex in order that I don't make the same choice as before, i.e. the XW. I've seen a pattern in people who have been married and divorced multiple times and it seems to me that they keep picking the same type of person over and over. I don't want the same person as the XW. I don't want an opposite. I want someone who is more like me, i.e. an outgoing type of personality and someone who can communicate in a direct fashion.

I have no agreement to date someone exclusively and don't want that at this point. I don't want to get engaged or married for quite a while or perhaps ever again, but could see settling into a regular pattern of dating with someone.

I have several other dating prospects in mind and have standing offers with two girls, including one that I work with. I have been meeting a lot of new people and networking will eventually pay off in some manner. My current host/roommate says that even if yor're not attracted to someone that you should still be very friendly as everyone has other friends and connections could be made.

In a very short time I will be able to stay at my new house. I will then enter a new phase of my life. Things have been on the upswing for the most part for quite a while now and it is getting better. I'm much stronger in several ways that I was before. One day at a time...

All right, it was an interesting second-half of the week. I had my DD13 with me on last Thursday and Friday (01-04-2007 and 01-05-2007) and we managed to purchase a bed for her and a bed for me as well as all of the other supplies to make-up the beds. We had an enjoyable time together.

I hadn't heard anything from the girl I had dated 3-4 times. I kept getting her answering machine. I have no computer at the new house, so stopped into work on Saturday to check my bank account and saw the following email from my date:

"I really don't know how to tell you this, but I've done alot of thinkin and I really want to be just friends. Your a great guy, I've had a lot of fun with you, and you have a lot to offer...It's just I don't feel that romantic spark between us. You treat me like a queen and I couldn't ask for more, but the romantic interest just isn't there for me. I don't want to lose your friendship and I would never lead you on so I just had to tell you before things went any further. I hope you don't hate me and I'd still love to hang out together and dance and have fun. BUt I understand if you don't want any of that also. I'm sorry if I ruined your new year, it wasn't on purpose."

Oh well, I guess I'll put that one down to experience. I would like to stay friends with her. I suspect that she is looking for Mr. Right and I'm not really interested in a serious type of relationship at this point.

Went out to my favorite bar/club Friday night. I ran into 2-girls that I had met briefly the previous weekend, one of which I was interested in, the other of which was very interested in my room-mate. I danced with both of the and the one that I liked, L, said that I was really fun. L said that she dates someone else, but the 2-times I've seen her she's been without a date. Hopefully I left a positive impression upon L. Her friend, S, had the hots for my room-mate, C, and I took her to the area that C was sitting in and C and S talked a bit. S is not C's type and she looked pretty shot-down later. I danced with her and gave her my phone number.

The was another set of girls there, D and V, whom I have seen several times at that locale. C had met them once and wanted to be introduced. I had asked D out several months ago and she had declined. I had no hard feelings and introduced C to D. C and D talked for a long time and exchanged numbers. All in all I had an enjoyable time.

Saturday I took my friend E to a party at a clubhouse that was almost exclusively attended my my fellow employees. E only knew me, so I introduced him around to several single women, made sure he was comfortable, an I socialized a bit. E had several great conversations and got one phone number. Prior to this party, I was not in the best of moods due to the kiss-off email that I had read earlier in the day. I was determined to be disinterested in women. I ended up meeting one at the party that I was interested in and gave her my number.

E and I left and went to one of our favorite haunts. Our friend D was there at a table with 4-women. E and I sat down and started conversing. I had an idea and asked the women to refer me to the one in their party that liked to dance. They all pointed at K, so I asked K to dance. We danced and danced. She was a few years older than me but very attractive and a great dancer. She had me all worked up!. We had a nice time together and I gave her my number.

Sunday I spent running a load of my possesions from the X-house to the new house. The XW was helpful and in a good mood. I then ran same errands that took me into late afternoon. E called and I agreed to met him and our mutual friend D at our second favorite hang-out. We hqad some beers and watched the football game. I went back to my room-mate's house and made an early night of it.

Back to work today!

Booka, you certainly are sowing wild oats. LOL.

Please tell me you're not going after the twenty year olds.

Not interested in 20-somethings. I would prefer 40-somethings. Now that I've settled into my house, I'm going to be far more domesticated than I have been for some time. I need to manage my expenses and buy some furniture. I'm really tired of the bar scene. It's been my observation that the majority of people who are there are there for a few hours of entertainment. There is no follow-up. It's a tough job to find someone that is interesting enough and willing to date. I'd have to say that I've lost some interest at this point. I have enough on my plate at the moment to not worry about dating. Everyone tells me that the less I focus on trying to find someone, the more my odds of actually finding someone increase. I have to adjust to living alone, something that I have never really done before. It's a big emotional adjustment.

Booka,

Do I understand that you had your daughter with you on Friday night? Did you leave her home alone so you could go to the bar? Your daughter is probably hurting way more than you can even imagine. She needs you.


Mrs. W8ing

I had DD13 during the day both that Thursday and Friday, dropping her off at the XW's house around dinner time. DD13 has not been alone while on my watch. Even when I was married, I preferred to have DD13 accompany us in almost every activity. No, she was not home alone. Actually, from everything that has been communicated and done, DD13 is taking this divorce better than either XW or myself. It really is quite amazing. Both XW and I have offered DD13 the opportunity to visit either of our therapists and DD13 has declined. Her schoolwork has not suffered and she appears to be adjusted well to her circumstances. I have told DD13 that she is in no way responsible for the divorce nor is she responsible for either of her parent's happiness. I don't really worry about DD13.

I do worry about myself. I don't relish living alone. I have been very emotional. I want someone to rescue me, but I know that it won't help me to be rescued. This has been one of the hardest aspects of the divorce, i.e. to live alone. I try to keep myself busy around the house cooking and cleaning. I've been watching a lot of films in the evening. Most of my focus is on me and I have nothing to distract that focus at this point in time. I have a lot of trouble sleeping. I know most of this will pass. I have to be able to get through this phase. Wish me luck.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


I think there can be some good to come out of a "rescue" situation. Been there. Six months after my XH moved out and the divorce started I got into a "healing relationship" (
AKA a good-for-me rebound) with a man who was also divorcing. He had no kids. I shared custody of my two. When I was kid-free we were inseparable. We held each other (together) as we went through our divorces. We had a lot of fun. We came through it all together... and then split up when we reallized we had different goals for our new futures. I don't really have any regrets about that relationship. We knew we were each other's rebounds. As time went on, though, I let the kids get a bit too close to him and they really missed him when we split.

I'm not saying that you should go find a rescuer. You need to work on "you" as much as you can, but if you meet someone along the way--while you are being as "you" as you can be--and you are honest with her and yourself about where you are at and you don't put your daughter in the middle... why not?

I was very emotional, too. I was TOTALLY over my XH and the marriage, but I was not finished grieving the loss of my hopes, dreams, future... my family... my kids' family... . I would say that it was four years til I lost/worked through all resentment and grief for that big loss. Did having a 2.5 year rebound along the way set that back? I don't know. Did I have fun? Yes. Did I learn more about who I was, what my ENs were and what I wanted for my future? Yes.


Mrs. W8ing

booka,
everything you are going through just sounds so typical.
my ex left on july 12, 2005. it was bittersweet. we had not had a marriage for a few years prior to that and no sex for 2 years. at least none for me, he was getting it elsewhere. i was glad for the ending of the marriage, it needed to happen. but i went through the same ups and downs. living alone at first (with my kids of course) felt like REALLY alone. i could not sleep for a long time. i walked around in a daze and cried a lot. not from missing him, i think more from the pain of his affairs and that he just moved on so quickly and restarted an affair that never really ended. i still don't get how he did that. he never spent any alone time, just jumped from me to her.

anyway, i didn't really do the bar scene but did the drinking with my friend also going through marital issues. hung at her house a lot. was taking college classes so kinds went through my second college experience trying to act and dress cool and all LOL
even hooked up with someone, a friend, much younger than me for a short while. thank GOD we learn from our mistakes because that was a HUGE one i still smak myself in the head for.

but it was short lived. i adjusted i'd say within 5 months or so. by january of last year, i was beginning to get to where i wanted to be and was feeling pretty good. just give yourself some time to adjust. we all go through the bar/drinking/sewing of oats thing after a marriage ends, but thank god for most of us, it is pretty short lived.

my main focus was and still is, my kids, and their happiness and well being. let that be your focus. and just when i was not looking at all, some great fell right into my path.

one day at a time, like you said.

mlhb

oh, and the "sex"... well, be very careful.
that first sex after your marriage breaks up can be really emotional.

lets face it, i have needs and usually love sex (when it is with someone i love and care about) well, i had gone without for over 2 years. that young friend i mentioned, well, we decided we were friends and it would not hurt for us to have sex. yeah, right. biggest mistake i ever made. and not only did i make it once, i made it twice with the same person! we are so messed up after marriages end we just don't think clearly sometimes. i was so flattered that a young 20 something wanted sex with me i didn't know what to do with myself. and i thought, hey it is ok, we are friends. well, it messed with my head really really badly. i felt so badly after i just cried and cried. i called and talked to him about it and he said he didn't feel right about it either. we decided never to let it happen again. the thing was, i just wanted to have sex you know? it had been so long. but i do regret not waiting until that someone special came into my life to share it with them. i just feel like it was a huge mistake that really could have cost me a friendship. i felt like we just used eachother, which is essentially what we did, and i don't like that feeling. he is engaged now to be married and i am happy for him. but our friendship was not really the same after that. i don't hardly talk to him at all anymore. haven't in a few months now, not even over email. he's happy for me, i am happy for him, and that is about where it stands.

so, just be really careful. i am not one who can have casual sex. i have to be with someone i truly care about and love.
i know we all have needs, but just realize it can really mess with your head too.

mlhb

I haven't had sex with someone else since late 09-2006, and that last time was with the XW. We went about 6-weeks without sex until she announced the divorce. I like sex and even crave it sometimes, but yet I'm amazed that I can live without it, something that I previously thought that I could not do. SF will be a very important criteria in my selection of a new partner and sexual compatibility will need to be assured before much time/energy/expense is invested in another person. SF is not my sole criteria, but I do feel the need to greatly improve upon it as it was one of the main points of contention in my marriage. In some regards I feel that it would not be difficult for another person to exceed the SF experience that I had in marriage.

It's somewhat funny about the "rescue' situation in that I see women, particularly on Match.com, that I feel sorry for or empathetic to their situation and feel some desire to rescue them. I'm trying to resist that feeling.

Every additional day that I spend alone at my house becomes better than the day before. As I've said before, there is no limit to busy-work that I can generate for myself. I am cooking a meal for myself every night and cleaning up after dinner. There are all sorts of cleaning operations that I can do, even in a new house. When spring comes, I'll be busy outdoors and will have some neighbors on my street at that point. Currently, I live on a cul-de-sac with no other occupied homes. One home across the street will be near completion and the lot next door has a poured foundation. I have met the young couple several times who will be my next door neighbors and look forward to them moving in sometime in May.

I had a great chat with a friend I've known for 30-years whom I have recently reconnected with. He's very close to my age and has been divorced quite a few years. He had a great perspective on the post-divorce dating scene and women in general. We spent quite a bit on time on the phone last night discussing it. We both agree that the bar scene is a bust for someone seeking a relationship. Perhaps he and I can explore other avenues for meeting women. He also suggested online dating, which I have been reluctant to try. Perhaps I will try it after all.

It is one day at a time. I had several months of carousing without much responsibility. It was entertaining if nothing else. Now it's time for me to be responsible for myself and my DD13. I am settling down into a more structured life with regular routine. I like structure and operate well when utilizing it.

I sent a long email to the XW yesterday and am awaiting her reply. We have been arguing a bit about filing taxes for 2006. She initially wanted to file separately and claim everything, but the separation agreement mentions nothing about taxes for 2006. She then said she would file separately, claiming head of household and claiming DD13, while allowing me the other house and tax-related deductions. I don't feel that even this is fair as I paid for 10-months of last year for everything, including support for DD13. I would prefer to file jointly just this one last time and split the refund. I like to know of anyone else's experience with filing for taxes immediately after a divorce.

Life goes on...

Well, I've been reading the tax-code a bit and it turns out that by the IRS definition we must file separately as single-individuals and that neither of us may claim head of household for 2006. XW is entitled to claim DD13 as a dependent. It's not really equitable as I paid at least half of everything for 5/6 of the year. I will figure my taxes 2-ways, one with DD as a dependent and one without. I'll then determine what course of action I may want to pursue.

Divorce or more likely the process thereof consumes a lot of time/energy/money. Am I better off than before? In some ways, yes, but I might not realize the real benefit until later.

I'm also at the stage of divorce where I would like to resume some new form of relationship with the XW. I don't want what we had. I would like a new and improved form. There is no one who knows me as well as her and vice-versa. Again, I'm not interested in a shack-up/engagement/marriage with XW, just some type of dating relationship. After going through all of the effort and expense of purchasing my own house and setting it up, I don't want to give it up and I'm sure XW does not want to give the X-house up either. The freedom to make my own choices in the setting up of my house is a benefit that I hadn't really counted on and it's rather nice to be fully in control of your own environment for once.

I muddle through, upward and onward, keep the wind at your back, etc.. Note that I don't stick-up affirmation notes all over the place, in fact, I don't have a single affirmation note.

Yeah, well, this is why I say to go slow and process things before jumping into dating full bore.

AGG

I had 3-dates around Christmas with the same person. I would date someone now if they met certain criteria. Note that my criteria changes all of the time and is somewhat situational.

I been exchanging emails with the XW. She says that our friendship died along with our marriage. Ouch! I don't feel that way, I feel that we could and should be friends. I would hazard a guess that she hasn't progressed much with the resolution of her resentments. Her resentments were a major factor in the failure of our marriage. She was dredging things up from 25-years ago, things that I did not recall or view the same way. She has proved to be a revisionist concerning her personal history.

I have gained an insight to resentments that some of you may already realize. I feel that resentments are caused initially by poor communication skills. In order to avoid resentment, a person would need to communicate their dissatisfaction at the time that it occurs, rather than batching them up.

I have become pretty good at processing my emotions and feelings. I know now that I can express them, i.e. I don't have to bottle them up. If I feel something that I determine is not rational, I reject that feeling. This has helped me to adjust to living alone (a continuous process). I try not to feel sorry for myself by telling myself that my life will become fuller as time goes by.

I should add some additional information in the interest of everyone.

Even though in some ways I'm kind of put off by women based upon past and recent history, I don't outright reject the idea of having a stable relationship with one. I have several feelers out.

There is one person I've known for a long time who is also divorced (it seems like everyone I know and meet is divorced!) who has been dating someone else. I feel that we have a mutual attraction to each other. We have spent some time together in a group environment. She is tiring of her current relationship and has indicated to me that she will probably break it off real soon. She is a woman worth pursuing. I've been playing cool and showing what I feel is an appropriate level of interest in her. We converse several times a week. She has a lot of attractive qualities. We'll see what happens.

I've also been working very slowly on someone else who is a bit younger than me.

Life goes on.

define "a bit younger" booka.....

also, you seem very up and down with your thoughts and emotions right now. all very normal...
are you sure you should be bringing a dating partner into your stuff right now? don't you think it would be better to wait until you are in a better place emotionally? you just moved out not too long ago didn't you? some of your posts say you don't want to date, some say you do, and some say you want to or would date your xw!

sounds like a lot going on in your head. being a woman, i would be afraid to date you right now for fear i would end up getting hurt.

mlhb

Oh gawd, why does that sound eerily familiar? Oh, I remember, all our WSs said that to their OPs...


Is this in addition to or instead of dating your XW?

As always, I agree with mlhb - you really need to spend some alone time before dating.

AGG

I am alone for the present and am not dating anyone. I am not dating the XW nor do I intend to after the email and phone conversation that we had today. She put the B in the B-word. I think that I'll have a T-shirt made-up with that phrase.

There seems to be some confusion going on here. There is no WS, BS, or OP. I was referring to someone that I would like to date who is specifically not my ex-wife. There are no married persons involved.

My XW is not a WS. She is in a mid-life crisis/transition and has the onset of menopause. There are other issues as well but to describe them further would make me seem like I am bashing her. I'm not sure that it would be constructive to do so.

I am vacillating a bit in my opinions, moods, and preferences. I am sure that it is to be expected at this point. I tend to recover quickly and I process things much faster than most people. After all, it's only been about 10-weeks since I was asked to leave our home. I do need some time and I won't be dating anyone this weekend.

It looks like I'll pickup DD13 Saturday morning and she will spend the night with me for the first time in the new house.

Understood. My illustration was not as much to focus on marriage as to focus on the whole "I am almost done with my BF/GF, so soon I'll be able to give you a shot" aspect of it. I find it distasteful. Yes, I know that people who are dating are not committed to each other, but I personally stay away from anyone who tries to overlap relationships. One day, you will end up being the "overlap-ee", ya know?




Yup. That is exactly why I told you at the outset that you should spend some time alone before really thinking about relationships.


I know, you keep saying that, but your actions show that no matter how fast you might be processing things, you still have some more to do before being ready for healthy relationships. This is not a slam, we've all BTDT; it's just a word of caution <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

AGG,

I appreciate all that you have to say and will take it all under advisement. This is a new experience for me, or more correctly, new experiences. I will flounder somewhat and then regain true purpose and a clear vision of what I want and expect from a relationship. On that note, I'm going to forgo the office happy hour at a local bar and instead shop for some new shoes.

This cracks me up! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Dude, I have SOOOO BTDT. I process fast. I get over things fast. I I I I I. I totally relate.

Guess what? Get involved with someone else at this stage and you will find out what everyone else has real soon: you both get hurt. Involve kids and ::BAM!:: Ouch...

But, you're a smart guy. You'll figure that one out on your own...you don't need to believe anyone here. Those ups and downs you're having? Totally normal. You should be 100% okay putting that roller-coaster crap on some other chicks plate... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

No offense, just my $0.01.

blu

BTW, my last post was written to myself as much as you, booka. I'm 4 weeks out now from breaking it off with a VERY sweet lady who I just wasn't ready for...and it totally sucked for us both. Still does...

To have met someone who could easily have been the one, and not ready for it, is not a good experience to look back on.

Did it help me move on? Yes. Did it hurt myself and her and others? Yes. Was it worth it? Jury is still out on that one...

Sorry for the sarcasm in my previous post, but that line about 10 weeks really did crack me up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

"as always i agree with mlhb"

wtf is that agg? LOL LOL

yeah right, you always agree with me.
i saw that, i chuckled, and i am sure you meant for me to.

haha
mlhb

I picked up another load of my belongings Saturday morning as well as picking up DD13 for the rest of the weekend. D13 and I had a very enjoyable time together and did some shopping and ran some errands. I asker her to purchase what she felt that she needed for her bathroom, etc. We did some furniture shopping and will be having some major furniture delivered Wednesday. I made a nice dinner for the both of us (on the new grill!) and made brunch Sunday morning. We took a ride through the country and stopped for ice cream and a couple of shopping errands. We then went home and she baked cookies. I took her back to the XW at 17:30.

I had one of the best night's worth of sleep that I've had in months Saturday night while DD13 was there. Last night I slept poorly. I have been sleeping poorly for about the last 8-months. Obverall, a very good weekend.

booka, just curious, but where are you from??

mlhb

mlhb,

Your question is fairly open-ended, so I'll give you the full run-down.

Born in Annapolis MD, and lived my first 10-years there.

Moved to Ballwin MO and lived 6.5 years there.

Moved to Melbourne Beach FL and lived less than a year there.

Moved to St Charles MO and lived in various places in the city limits until 11-2006. Lived temporarily in O'Fallon MO until 01-13-2007.

Now I live in a very small town about 15-miles NNW from St Charles that is called St Paul oin a new house in a new subdivision.

Why do you ask?

oh, got ya...lol
for some reason i thought you were over in europe.. that is why i asked..lol

sometimes my blonde shows through.. no matter how hard i try, it just does sometimes..

ok, thanks you good old american.
mlhb

I'm American and a blonde!

I signed up for a 3-month subscription to match.com and sent several emails to women that I was interested in.

oh booka... on match??

i hope you put a warning up:

warning: i am still healing whether i want to admit it or not. i might be ok today, i might want to date today, but tomorrow maybe a different story.. PROCEED WITH EXTREME CAUTION.....

ugh booka... dunno if you are ready for this yet... just be careful and be honest with the ladies ok?

mlhb

All right, it's been a while and there's still lots of drama going on and other things as well. I had my best week at my new house this past week. I've become very used to living by myself. I'm in a new development and will have neighbors soon. There's a young couple building next door to me and I've talked to them many times and like them very much.

I had my daughter for another weekend and my sister and her husband came and visited with us 2 weekends ago. 3 weekends ago I moved the last of my possessions from the ex-house to the new house. I've got quite a bit of organizing to do in the garage.

I met someone back in November at the time that the divorce had been announced and I was ready to move out. I really liked this woman and we talked on the phone a few times in the next few days. We then fell out of contact. Since then, I've been out and about and have met a lot of people. I kept thinking about C, the woman I had met in November. I still had her phone number and called her on Super Bowl Sunday. We chatted several times last week and we left it that we would have dinner on Saturday. C was babysitting over night for her friend's DD9, P. I understood that P was accompanying us for dinner and did not mind. We met at a restaurant and I arrived first and got our name of the list. C and P arrived just after that and we stood and talked. We had a nice dinner and when the check came, C paid! We didn't have formal plans for after dinner, so as we left the restaurant I asked C what she would like to do. C invited me to her home to watch some movies. We ran 2-movies but did more talking than watching. I had a great time and was a gentleman. I left about midnight. She walked me out and we hugged. I was pretty excited and didn't get to sleep until after 02:30 Sunday. I called C Sunday afternoon and thanked her for everything. I told her I was available most of the time and she said she would call.

C has taste, style, a good job, a nice home, a nice car, nice furnishings, and her TV puts mine to shame. C is 2-years younger than me and she is a first child as I am. We had several things in common. I feel she is worth pursuing. I'm still buzzed about the whole experience.