Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3
#1798823 12/27/06 02:14 PM
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 1,194
B
booka Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 1,194
Hi there! If you dig a bit, you'll find several threads on mine on EN's that detail some of my history. I give you a short recap here:

I am 47, XW is 43, and DD is 13. We hade been married 18-year and lived together for 7-years before marriage.

About 3-years ago, I had some issues with our relationship that I brought to the forefront. This is when I learned about MB and this site and have an old thread that reflects this period. We both made adjustments and things were good for a while.

My main issue was SF. We would get into a pattern where I would withdraw from lack of SF, we would then have conflict ,then some normal frequency of SF would return and then it would again taper off. This went on for the last 3-years. I felt that for the last 3-years that I had done a very good job at meeting her needs.

In the end, we became more equal and then the balance of power shifted to her. I became emotionally fused with her. We had some outside influences that disrupted our marriage, but neither of us had any type of affair that I have solid proof of. From 05-2006 through 11-2006 we had many ups and downs and blowouts. We both saw separate IC's and I started a course of ADs, which I am still using (10-mg Lexapro daily). I thought things were looking up and she even agreed to talk to my therapist. She steadfastly refused MC.

She had been busy. She announced on 11-03-2006 that she filed for divorce and retained an attorney. On 11-05-2006 after I had calmed down, we ironed out 95% of a separation agreement. On 11-07-2006 I moved out and into a friend's house.

We ironed out many details of the separation and custody agreements. The highlights are that I kep my 401K and pension and have zero debt, she keeps the house and I pay $250.00 per month child-support. I did not retain an attorney and was able to fully understand and amend both the separation and custody agreements. Neither of us had to go to court. She is paying all of the court and attorney fees.

I close on a brand-new house tomorrow that is about 15-miles away from XW. I've been out twice last week with a girl that I met a week before.

More to follow later.


Me: 48 XW: 44 DD: 15
Lived Together: 7 Married: 18 Total: 25 years
W announced divorce 11-3-2006, I moved out 11-7-2006, served papers 11-8-2006. Divorce final 12-19-2006. Life gets better every day.
booka #1798824 12/27/06 03:14 PM
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,714
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,714
Welcome to the other side!

Actually, it's a lot of fun over here. Now, if relationships aren't working out, we just break up with the losers. And if some less-than-bright bulb breaks up with us, everyone here tells us how we deserved better, the person wasn't right for us anyway, etc.LOL.

You said the woman you've been out with is the opposite of your wife. You probably know this is not uncommon. I'll just echo the motto of this board: Take it slow.

Welcome.


Divorced.
2 Girls
Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
Greengables #1798825 12/27/06 03:27 PM
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 1,194
B
booka Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 1,194
Thanks GG. I realize the need to take things slow and have expressed my desire to do so to the girl that I have dated. I want to keep it light and fun. I know that I am in no way ready for a serious relationship. I need to settle into my new life and make the adjustments that are required to do so. I need time and space to heal.

I am tempering myself to take things slowly.


Me: 48 XW: 44 DD: 15
Lived Together: 7 Married: 18 Total: 25 years
W announced divorce 11-3-2006, I moved out 11-7-2006, served papers 11-8-2006. Divorce final 12-19-2006. Life gets better every day.
Greengables #1798826 12/27/06 03:35 PM
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 20
X
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
X
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 20
I have been lurking and learning a lot from Greengables and others, but I disagree with the advice to take it slow because.....

....on 11-03-2006 that she filed for divorce
....On 11-05-2006 after I had calmed down, we ironed out 95% of a separation agreement
....On 11-07-2006 I moved out and into a friend's house


The advice I got (and am very glad that I took) was to complete the divorce process BEFORE dating, to deal with the ending of one relationship before beginning another.

I agree with Greengables that this is a fun board. I read here on and off because it helps me to identify what I still need to work on in myself before I do start dating others.

xLurker #1798827 12/27/06 03:41 PM
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 1,194
B
booka Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 1,194
Everyone's schedule of recovery will be different. My schedule is perhaps a lot faster than others. My therapist has been very pleased with the pace of my progress. I have diverted my focus away from what was to what is and what will be. I am purpose oriented and will be moving into my own house this weekend. I have goals for the next 3-years. My old life is over.


Me: 48 XW: 44 DD: 15
Lived Together: 7 Married: 18 Total: 25 years
W announced divorce 11-3-2006, I moved out 11-7-2006, served papers 11-8-2006. Divorce final 12-19-2006. Life gets better every day.
booka #1798828 12/27/06 04:25 PM
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 20
X
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
X
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 20
I also have a schedule for recovery. Actually, it seems to be very similar to yours. The biggest difference that I can see is in the pace of accomplishment--everything on my schedule has/is taking muuuuuuuch longer than I had anticipated that it would.

If you have the formula or secret to speeding things up, you could probably rake in $millions if you could bottle it (or write a book on it). I'd be your first customer! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

booka #1798829 12/27/06 06:08 PM
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 4,345
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 4,345
Quote
Everyone's schedule of recovery will be different.

My experience on this board is that everyone thinks they can beat the grieving process only to find out otherwise.

Quote
I have diverted my focus away from what was to what is and what will be.

That can be a double edged sword. You really have to go through the stages of grief over the old relationship before you are truly ready for a new one.

Having said all that, I would not say "don't date". Just date and go slow, and don't use a new person to help you get over the death of your marriage.

Welcome to the board!

AGG


AGoodGuy #1798830 12/27/06 09:11 PM
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 664
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 664
The grief process is often called a "slippery slope"...meaning when you think you've got it licked, and you think you are healed, you can slide back down again. It is normal to do this. I thought I was healed within a few months of my divorce, and even went out and got engaged (and broke up withing a couple of weeks)....Just be aware that when the experts say it can take approximately a year for every 4 or 5 years you were married, they know what they're talking about.
I do wish you the best. Dating again is lots of fun. Take it easy and date around for a while is my best advice. Also, remember, it is okay to be alone...
KK


Me, 49
Divorced 3-13-03
son 21, daughter 18, daughter 16
“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new
thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland” (Isa. 43:18, 19).

kk2002 #1798831 12/28/06 09:28 AM
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,714
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,714
I do think grieving and recovery can really depend. They take time, but for some of us, that grieving took place during the marriage. When you’ve worked really hard to have a good marriage only to be blocked time and again by your spouse, and this goes on for years, I think the grieving after separation is much shorter. Also, the grieving process for the one who leaves, files, etc, is much different than the one who is left. I wish I could say B didn’t go through he** when I left because he had never worked on the marriage and never made any of the changes I needed. I wish he hadn’t been dreadfully hurt. However, I know he was.

Recovery is a little different. That seems to me to be as much about establishing new routines and interests and getting comfortable with being single again. I think it takes time, but I don’t think it excludes dating casually. (And here we go. We can all go into dating, casual dating, friends, and courting all over again!)

Booka, when I read the time frames, I had seen 2006, but I was thinking 2005. That is a very short time frame. Most of us had divorces that dragged.


Divorced.
2 Girls
Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
booka #1798832 12/28/06 09:38 AM
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 451
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 451
Hi booka,

Sorry to hear you are joining the D club.But it's a good support board.I only wish it were a bit more busy like GQII but,we got what we got.

Can't say I agree with you dating.In fact,I tell everyone that I post to that I am dead set against it until you are officially D'd and have had time to heal.In fact,I have my own banner to ~wave~.lol To me there aren't timelines or differences in recovery until you are D'd.It's just something everyone should take care of first before jumping out into the fray again.

Ok,now that that is said.Welcome!

By the way,I took a look at the link to your new home on the EN board.You must be proud and excited to get moving in soon.Buying a new home,although a bit anxiety provoking,can also be a great pleasure and you can start a new life.Congratulations!

Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,714
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,714
When I was ready to date again, but sure I wanted to, my friend made a great suggestion. She suggested I go to places where there are men and start interacting. Go to the YMCA, a prime meatmarket around here. Go to the library or Borders. Go to Starbucks. Whatever. Get used to being single in the sense of “available.”

I think that helped me a lot. And here’s why.

First, I got used to being out there, so when I did go on a date, I wasn’t petrified since it had been years.

Second, by just talking to men some of my emotional needs were met. I got conversation, recreation, and admiration in small doses. This made me less vulnerable to a man who could talk, play and admire me in a way I liked. In other words, I was less likely to fall for someone just because it had been so long since any of my Ens had been met.

Third, I wasn’t feeling sorry for myself. Instead I was reminded I was a reasonably attractive person.

Fourth, I got some practice recognizing decent people from jerks.

Boy, the way I wrote it, it sounds like I was getting hit on left and right. I wasn’t. I met a handful of people. Many of whom weren’t interested in me romantically at all; they were just passing the time. Still, it was good for me.


Divorced.
2 Girls
Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
Greengables #1798834 12/28/06 12:55 PM
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 128
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 128
Quote
I do think grieving and recovery can really depend. They take time, but for some of us, that grieving took place during the marriage.


Quote
Also, the grieving process for the one who leaves, files, etc, is much different than the one who is left.

I think I agree with this. My WW essentially was mentally divorced for the past year. After being apart for about 3 1/2 months now she has a new guy whom she took to her family's place for Christmas and spends all her time with. It appears she feels in love with him. My DD has heard him say I Love You to her.

As it was said....slippery Slope.


BS (me) - 46
WW - 37
Separated on Sept. 1, 2006
Divorced June 2007
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 451
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 451
I agree.I was the BW so,my ex essentially has suggested before, "What? You haven't got a life yet? C'mon". Geeze <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I DO have a life,a great one, just not dating yet until I am sure/ready.I'd still rather be a BW then a WS like him anyday!

As Dr.Phil says, "I'd rather be alone and healthy than sick and with someone".

Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,714
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,714
Hey, when I said those that leave have a different recovery time, I wasn't even thinking of WSs. Personally, I think it's really difficult for them to heal and become healthy. They're mostly in denial about what's been happening.


Divorced.
2 Girls
Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
Greengables #1798837 12/28/06 03:02 PM
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 228
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 228
GG,

I agree with you regarding recovery time. Although I was the BW and stayed in the marriage for 1 1/2 year during my XWH's A. I was the one who packed up and left and filed for D. My grieving process took place during the last 1 1/2 yr. of my marriage. I lost so much weight, my health deteriorated, I did go to IC during that time and about 6 months after I left my XWH.

Once I left my XWH, my recovery process improved quickly. I did take time to pamper myself and focused on my children. I attended Divorce Care and became involve with a church.

It's been 2 1/2 yrs. since my left my XWH. Now I am in a healthy relationship, I provide a stable home for my children and have a great job. My children, BF and I are very active with our church.

As for my XWH, he and MOW were engaged last March and broke up in May. I can honestly say that his relationship with the children have suffered. He is not happy, although he tries to cover up.

The BS are usually in a fog, and like you said, it is difficult for them to heal because they are in denial.

Immovingon #1798838 12/28/06 03:13 PM
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,714
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,714
Yes! Your story is great. My mother healed pretty quickly too and she was a BS who left when Dad couldn't give up OW. Mom did well, and it took Dad years to get over her divorcing him.


Divorced.
2 Girls
Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
Greengables #1798839 01/02/07 11:09 AM
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 1,194
B
booka Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 1,194
I closed on the new Thursday 12-28-2006. I had DD13 along for the full day and she was very excited about the new house and very helpful in setting things up. I have a fully functioning kitchen, laundry, and bathrooms. I need beds and furniture and would settle at this point for 2-beds and a kitchen table. Cash is a bit tight at present but I get paid this week and will have some cash from the sale of some assets that will be available near the end of the month.

On Saturday 12-30-2006 I brought the girl that I have been dating up to have a look at the house. We spent about 2-hours with the tour, setting up some additional items, and conversation. I later took her out to dinner and then went back to her place and watched some TV and snuggled. Everyone around here is sick with cold-like symptoms, including her and me, so I left early so that she could get some sleep. She had previous plans for New Year's Eve so we were not together for it but did talk on the phone several times. We generally talk on the phone every day. I asked her to pick an evening this week and I will cook her dinner at the new house.

I have grieved in one fashion or another for 6-months. I'm pretty much done with it now. My seemingly rapid recovery was assisted by a quick (about 6-weeks) divorce that was fairly pain-free, the fact that I had moved out of my ex-house and into an environment that helped me a lot, and some clear goals, including the new house. I'm not a resentment or grudge kind of person. I am interested in what went wrong, but I don't obsess about it, knowing that I did what I was equipped to do in an attempt to save the marriage and that ultimately, I will become a better person, although the path was very painful to get to this point and I don't recommend it as a self-improvement course. I've been through some very dark places and can now see the light. It's probably more of a mental attitude more than anything else.

The XW called me last night and we had an expansive conversation. She was in an odd mood and did quite a bit of crying and apologizing to me. It can be argued that she treated me quite badly the last few months of our marriage and she had her own justifications for doing so, particularly the divorce announcement. I asked her why we got divorced and she truthfully answered. We discussed quite a few other things that I had been curious about for a long time. She asked me some interesting questions and we discussed some business and custody issues as well. I was left afterwards feeling amused by some of the things that she had said. Now, neither of us have any intention at a reconciliation and this conversation was not about that. It was interesting as a sort of post-mortem of our marriage.


Me: 48 XW: 44 DD: 15
Lived Together: 7 Married: 18 Total: 25 years
W announced divorce 11-3-2006, I moved out 11-7-2006, served papers 11-8-2006. Divorce final 12-19-2006. Life gets better every day.
booka #1798840 01/03/07 01:48 PM
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 1,194
B
booka Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 1,194
I found out after speaking to the XW yesterday during business hours that she was very drunk and didn't remember much at all about our conversation on Monday. I wish that I had a recording of it. Oh well.


Me: 48 XW: 44 DD: 15
Lived Together: 7 Married: 18 Total: 25 years
W announced divorce 11-3-2006, I moved out 11-7-2006, served papers 11-8-2006. Divorce final 12-19-2006. Life gets better every day.
booka #1798841 01/03/07 02:18 PM
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 1,194
B
booka Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 1,194
Here are some notes on my dating experience. Since I became divorced I have dated one person and asked several others out. I do not ask for phone numbers and instead give out my name and phone number usually on a business card. I tell a prospective date to call me if they are interested in me, otherwise they can toss the number away. I met a girl this past weekend that I was attracted to at a bar. After chatting with her a bit, I gave her my number and asked her to call if she was interested. She replied that she was dating someone. I replied that everyone says that they are dating someone, i.e. it's a standard reponse that may or may not be true. I replied that it may be true that she was dating someone and that should not preclude her from expressing interest in me at her discretion.

The person I am currently dating I met in a bar and she said that it was unusual that she would go out with someone that she had met this way. She called me 3-days after we had met and we spent 2.5-hours on the phone talking. We have been out 3-times and usually talk to each on the phone every day. She has been divorced for some time and has a DD16. In almost every way, she is the antithsis of the XW. If nothing else, we will be great friends. So far, we have been affectionate but have not had sex. I would like sex, but I am not pressing it as an issue. One thing that the XW unknowingly taught me is that I can survive without sex, which is something that I would have believed until recently. I have not had sex in over 3-months. I told this girl that I would like to keep our relationship fun and light with no shack-ups or living together as goals. She meets some of my criteria in owning her own home and being steadily employed. I am not greatly physically attracted to her and this sometimes concerns me, although she makes up for it with her personality. It a lot of regards, she is not an opposite of me as the XW is.

Part of my philosophy is that I want to seriously revise or ignore my normal attractions to the opposite sex in order that I don't make the same choice as before, i.e. the XW. I've seen a pattern in people who have been married and divorced multiple times and it seems to me that they keep picking the same type of person over and over. I don't want the same person as the XW. I don't want an opposite. I want someone who is more like me, i.e. an outgoing type of personality and someone who can communicate in a direct fashion.

I have no agreement to date someone exclusively and don't want that at this point. I don't want to get engaged or married for quite a while or perhaps ever again, but could see settling into a regular pattern of dating with someone.

I have several other dating prospects in mind and have standing offers with two girls, including one that I work with. I have been meeting a lot of new people and networking will eventually pay off in some manner. My current host/roommate says that even if yor're not attracted to someone that you should still be very friendly as everyone has other friends and connections could be made.

In a very short time I will be able to stay at my new house. I will then enter a new phase of my life. Things have been on the upswing for the most part for quite a while now and it is getting better. I'm much stronger in several ways that I was before. One day at a time...


Me: 48 XW: 44 DD: 15
Lived Together: 7 Married: 18 Total: 25 years
W announced divorce 11-3-2006, I moved out 11-7-2006, served papers 11-8-2006. Divorce final 12-19-2006. Life gets better every day.
booka #1798842 01/08/07 12:31 PM
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 1,194
B
booka Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 1,194
All right, it was an interesting second-half of the week. I had my DD13 with me on last Thursday and Friday (01-04-2007 and 01-05-2007) and we managed to purchase a bed for her and a bed for me as well as all of the other supplies to make-up the beds. We had an enjoyable time together.

I hadn't heard anything from the girl I had dated 3-4 times. I kept getting her answering machine. I have no computer at the new house, so stopped into work on Saturday to check my bank account and saw the following email from my date:

"I really don't know how to tell you this, but I've done alot of thinkin and I really want to be just friends. Your a great guy, I've had a lot of fun with you, and you have a lot to offer...It's just I don't feel that romantic spark between us. You treat me like a queen and I couldn't ask for more, but the romantic interest just isn't there for me. I don't want to lose your friendship and I would never lead you on so I just had to tell you before things went any further. I hope you don't hate me and I'd still love to hang out together and dance and have fun. BUt I understand if you don't want any of that also. I'm sorry if I ruined your new year, it wasn't on purpose."

Oh well, I guess I'll put that one down to experience. I would like to stay friends with her. I suspect that she is looking for Mr. Right and I'm not really interested in a serious type of relationship at this point.

Went out to my favorite bar/club Friday night. I ran into 2-girls that I had met briefly the previous weekend, one of which I was interested in, the other of which was very interested in my room-mate. I danced with both of the and the one that I liked, L, said that I was really fun. L said that she dates someone else, but the 2-times I've seen her she's been without a date. Hopefully I left a positive impression upon L. Her friend, S, had the hots for my room-mate, C, and I took her to the area that C was sitting in and C and S talked a bit. S is not C's type and she looked pretty shot-down later. I danced with her and gave her my phone number.

The was another set of girls there, D and V, whom I have seen several times at that locale. C had met them once and wanted to be introduced. I had asked D out several months ago and she had declined. I had no hard feelings and introduced C to D. C and D talked for a long time and exchanged numbers. All in all I had an enjoyable time.

Saturday I took my friend E to a party at a clubhouse that was almost exclusively attended my my fellow employees. E only knew me, so I introduced him around to several single women, made sure he was comfortable, an I socialized a bit. E had several great conversations and got one phone number. Prior to this party, I was not in the best of moods due to the kiss-off email that I had read earlier in the day. I was determined to be disinterested in women. I ended up meeting one at the party that I was interested in and gave her my number.

E and I left and went to one of our favorite haunts. Our friend D was there at a table with 4-women. E and I sat down and started conversing. I had an idea and asked the women to refer me to the one in their party that liked to dance. They all pointed at K, so I asked K to dance. We danced and danced. She was a few years older than me but very attractive and a great dancer. She had me all worked up!. We had a nice time together and I gave her my number.

Sunday I spent running a load of my possesions from the X-house to the new house. The XW was helpful and in a good mood. I then ran same errands that took me into late afternoon. E called and I agreed to met him and our mutual friend D at our second favorite hang-out. We hqad some beers and watched the football game. I went back to my room-mate's house and made an early night of it.

Back to work today!


Me: 48 XW: 44 DD: 15
Lived Together: 7 Married: 18 Total: 25 years
W announced divorce 11-3-2006, I moved out 11-7-2006, served papers 11-8-2006. Divorce final 12-19-2006. Life gets better every day.
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,352 guests, and 57 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5