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my name is FBWIDOW and I am a codependent

I like that. Codependency IS very much like an adiction. I think I have it beat and catch myself slipping back into it when I least expect it. I think it goes with certain types of personalities, but I'd rather fight codependency than change my personality. There is nothing wrong with being a giving person. You have to realize that a giving person will sometimes be used. You just have to prevent abuse. An important thing is setting boundaries for yourself and others.

Co-dependant No More by Melanie Beattie was a real eye opener and life saver for me.

I too WAS co-dependant in my previous marriage. It took alot of effort and personal work to break free.

Sounds like you have a good therapist there......

Post deleted by mlhb

I wonder if you can now see this statement a little more clearly....


I fear I may have rubbed you the wrong way, as this kind of statement would have resonated w/ my old self, but I meant well. For what it's worth, I think you are doing great mlhb.....

Breaking the old patterns of co-dependency is hard, and I found myself fighting old habits quite a bit. It takes time and awareness and good old fashioned will power. I still find myself having to keep track to make sure I don't revert into old behaviors.

Bravo!

I was the same way in my marriage. I basically lived my life around exWH, doing what he wanted, catering to his every want, whim, demand, b/c poor him, he was busy, he worked hard, worked long hours blah blah, all the while resenting him.....but at the core, like you said, I felt that by catering to him I was "showing" him that he made the right choice to marry me (see what a good wifey I am?) b/c we were so young.

yes yes yes!! This is what I was trying to say above <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Mine results from FOO issues as I had a very very unruly older sister who got into tons of trouble, so, hey, I was going to be perfect and not disappoint my parents, kwim?

keep up the good work!

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mlhb,

now you are getting somewhere

wiftty

Mlhb -

Well, let me introduce myself as Laura the "Queen of CoDependents".....

I somehow lived through a 12 year marriage to an addict - an addict of all, i.e., porn, drugs, drink - and pretty much all bad behaviors. It took 3 years of intensive participation in NarAnon and therapy to finally acknowledge my part in our sick relationship - I knew something was not quite right - it took a while to learn for myself that I was just as addicted as he was - I was addicted to taking care of everything, everyone, and as a result lost my identity. I gained weight, I isolated myself from everyone, etc. In reflection, I learned that ALL of my relationships (even from teeny-bopper times) were co-dependent relationships....

Well, I'm BACK - and happy to say that
I can still be a caring, loving, giving person - but have every right to have boundaries and need to stick to them.....this knowledge has helped me tremendously! My only regret is I learned this at the age of 45, and not 25 - would have saved myself a lot of heartache.

But, the positive is this - I'm 2 years into a relationship - the most healthy, adult relationship I've ever been in! I can still care deeply for my man (and I do) I can still love him unconditionally, I can still "do" for him, I can still give to him - the difference? This time I do NOT do anything at the expense of my own self.....it's incredibly freeing......

Sounds to me, girlfriend that you are on your way to your own "freeing". God bless you.....

I wish you lived nearby - I'd insist that we go out and celebrate!!

Laura

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Oh I would have to disagree with you on this one, mlhb....if you find during your journey of reclaiming yourself that you lose a few "hangers on" along the way, than all the better. But, I'll bet you that what you WILL find is that your friendships will be stronger and much, much healthier.......because you will be healthier!

I finished reading a good Christian book entitled "falling Forward" by Patti Sandi - and during her self-discovery journey she realized that before she got healthy, she was surrounded with "friends" - they were everywhere - she had so many friends and not enough hours in the day....well, she had a life-changing event happen, and those "friends" started dropping like flies........BUT, the friends that were with her from the very beginning, were still there at the end...........and there were only a handful.....but they were her rocks, her strength, and her comfort.....

And I can count in my life maybe 5 people that I would even consider calling for bail money - and quite frankly, I don't need many more than that - because these 5 are all that I really need....

I wouldn't worry about the quantity of people you have in your life - because as well all know it's the quality of people you have in your life that makes everything wonderful!

Might want to read this

>>>Dr Harley on Co-dependency <<<

This is my truth, too. I still have some issues, but I'm much, much stronger now, as a result of reading books like this, talking to a therapist, and talking to others like me.


And mlhb, you will most likely be very surprised that you can care deeply and NOT be co-dependent. Caring deeply is NOT the same thing as being co-dependent.

Not long ago I had someone give me a wee dose of tough-love about this very thing! She said that I was beating myself up for doing something that came naturally to me (caring deeply) and instead of cursing this attribute I should be embracing it. I haven't mastered it yet, but I'm so much more AWARE of the times I'm making excuses for the caring.

I care. You care. This is not unhealthy.

(Don't misread me: true co-dependency can be crippling and cause so much pain and harm in your life and the lives of others. I am only saying that there is a difference and it's important to distinguish the difference.)

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mlhb,

did you read my last comment on the prior post that you had deleted?

precisely why you need to learn to live by yourself and be happy by yourself. Until you can do that, such that if you start to want to make another abusive or manipulative person happy at your own expense, you can tell him to hit the road. . . .

then you can be discriminating in a relatoinship. . .

your problem is that you can't discriminate between honest people and manipulative people, you treat them all the same. . .

learn to be critical such that you learn what you want. . .

the end result is that you trade in unhealthy manipulative friends for a healthy self and healthy friends. . .

wiftty

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Hi MLHB,

Hope you're feeling better. If not, you will be.

This all reminds me of when I was newly "out there" and I was telling a friend who had been divorced for years about this guy I knew. She said "if he's that good you might want to save it because those first ones never last".

Post deleted by mlhb

mlhb, First, congratulations on your music ministry! That sounds both exciting and fulfilling.

I just wanted you to know I've been reading along and identifying with a lot of what you're feeling and I had a couple of thoughts I wanted to offer. The first guy I dated, a couple of years after XH left, was codependent, too. My therapist at the time said, "The bad thing about your relationship is that you're both codependent and the good thing about your relationship is that you're both codependent." Someone in my Al-Anon group once pointed out that our shortcomings are often just our assets taken to an extreme, and codependency is a good example of that.

The other thing, which you already kind of said yourself, is that I, too, am fine and happy when I'm single, but the issues I deal with in relationships, the insecurities and fears, only come up when I'm in a relationship. The biggest one is trust of myself and others. My XH lied all the time ~ as they say in AA, you can tell an alcoholic is lying when his lips are moving! He lied and I believed him, over and over, because of my fear of knowing the truth. Since then, I've been told things that I think were probably meant sincerely at the time but that turned out not to be true and I find I'm even more untrusting than ever ~ I don't trust others, even when I think they're sincere, because I don't think they're any better than I am at discerning the truth. Maybe what I really want is a crystal ball! I'd almost rather be the overly trusting wife I was than the older and wiser, though sadly jaded divorcee I've become.

i want to thank everyone for letting me unload since my therapy session. however, i am talked and posted out. in fact i think i am going to take an MB break for awhile.

i am going to continue therapy but have asked that this thread be deleted.

i just want it to be me and my therapist.
but thank you.

mlhb