Hello. I am curious as to everyone's opinion on this matter. Who should pay for meals? The man or the woman?

Specifically, in the beginning who should pay?

After a few months of dating, who should pay?

After several months to a year or two of dating, who should pay? The man or the woman?

Or each?

Thank you for your thoughts. All opinions welcome.

Have a great day.

I say whoever did the asking should pay. And they should choose something that they can afford.
I think I'm in the minority. I always offer to pay, but feel that some men are put off by the offer.
I'm all for 50/50 with paying, but think alternating payment works better than splitting the bill when you are out.
Dinners in at home count toward repayment too.

Newly, thank God for women like you. I wish more women felt this way.

I'm a little more old fashion. If a man asks me to dinner, then I think he should pay. A few months of dating exclusively, I will offer to pay. My fiance and I have been together for almost 3 years now, we both take turn paying, but again we don't keep track.

I have kids and he doesn't, when we all go out, he does pay for everyone and I do too. It's never been an issue for us.

A few months?

*cringe*

I'm not looking forward to restarting this part of my life.

Part of me wonders, if you are dating the kind of woman that expects high-priced entertainment, and you resent the implications, are you really engaging in sustainable recreational companionship.... or is this a version of bait and switch...

Was that to me chobbs or to the group in general? I'm not dating anyone high priced or otherwise. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Seabird,

LOL...We had a LDR, so a few months, was more like 4 months for us; we only saw each other twice a month, but communicate via phone every day.

A general "you", maybe I should have said "I"...

But then a smartypants might have asked if I, a married woman, was dating... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

moving - Okay, that's a bit of a relief. It's been soooooo long since I've been in that scene and I have no idea how much things might have changed in the prevailing years. I was thinking in terms of the kind of relationship where you and your SO are together several times a week. I had a sharp stabbing pain in my hip when I read your post. Right about where my wallet sits. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

chobbs - good chess! You definitely thought several moves ahead because I am definitely that kind of smart...ypants. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I haven't dated in 20 years. But if a man asks me to dinner and I accept, I expect him to pay. If we go on several dates - as in when we are "seeing each other" or whatever the current terminology is - then I'm happy to pay my share or alternate. It feels like I would need some familiarity to do that. But if I were to ask a man for dinner (not that it would ever happen), I would fully expect to pay. So I guess I agree with Newly.

alternate... one pays one time, one pays another time. and get that decided BEFORE going out to eat! lol

but that is how i feel. i am old fashioned but i also understand that most of us are divorced and probably paying out cs or alimony and such... and in most cases both men and women work so... i think it is fair that you could alternate who pays.

mlhb

If I were to ask a woman out, then I would expect to pay. If, after a few dates, the woman decided to call me and ask me out, then I wouldn't feel threatened if she were take the bill.

Just an FYI to the ladies who may not be aware or realize it... While asking a man out first might be intimidating to him, asking him out after a few dates would be a very big signal that you are interested in him.

I think I'm an independent woman who doesn't need a man to take care of her. This isn't the way everywoman is.
I find that when I date NMNK, they have no problem paying all the time, and seem offended when I offer.
OTOH, these NMNK seem to really enjoy a home-cooked meal. And a home-cooked meal allows the inviter to control costs, much more than a restaurant meal.

Seabird, I didn't realize until reading your post that she's been gone less than a month. Yikes.
When you are ready to date, look for the people you want. I would much prefer a picnic date in the park listening to a free concert than a formal dinner out. A walk in the park is also a low cost and enjoyable outing.

On a recent date, I suggested we walk through the park rather than take a cab. This seemed like a foreign concept to my date, and he didn't appear to enjoy the park at all.

newly - Yeah, I'm nowhere near ready for any of this, but I'm at least to a point where I can conceptualize it without getting ill.

I am hanging out in this forum mainly out of curiosity. As I said before, it's been so long since I've been in that world, I wonder how much it's changed. I'm going to be looking at an entirely different demographic in terms of age and personal situations. There was also no real internet to speak of for folks like us back in the early 90s. Definitely no online dating sites and whatnot. I'm just wondering what to expect when I DO decide to dip my toe in the water.

That, and I'm really, really bored at my job and I probably spend way too much time hanging out in forums that I have no real business hanging out it. LOL! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Well, this is my distraction from researching accounting regulations for an article I'm writing.

Generally, I pay for the first few dates as it makes things easier. Since I am usually doing the asking the first few dates (old customs die hard) I choose things that are not very expensive. After 3 dates, if we are hitting it off, most women will usually offer to pay at times and I have learned to accept this or I will appear to be an old fashioned chauvanist pig of a jerk!

One thing I have noticed is that women seem more willing and insistent to pay when they are thinking of getting more physical. Just like we guys!! Really, I am not kidding.

Not just like the guys. A woman likes to make the point that getting physical is her choice rather than feel that is bought for the price of a meal. Guys don't mind paying if they think they might get something in return.

I am old fashioned and think a guy should pay, at least initially. However, my boyfriend was unemployed and just recently got a job. If he asks to take me out, I let him pay and am reasonable on what I order. He needs to be able to manage his money and shouldn't ask if he can't afford it. If I want to go someplace nicer, I will offer to pay. I occasionally want a nice meal out but don't expect to be wined and dined at fancy restaurants. More often, I will buy something nice like steak and we will fix dinner together.

I feel like my ex used me to support him. It is very important for me to feel that a man shows that he wants to take care of me and is not bumming off of me.

BTW: I know some women that expect $$$flowers, gifts and meals all the time. I don't understand why guys seem to flock to them for this mistreatment. They can't be that good.

Hi folks!

I used to think this was a silly question. If I only have about 2 dates a year, it wouldn't matter if they cost $1000 each. LOL.

But as a man, I expect to pay and don't mind. However, I may change my opinion as I stumble down this path.

I'm a finacially conservative guy, and if I'm eating alone or with a buddy, rarely top $10 for (my) lunch. On a date (as rare as they are), I don't think about the expense... unless things go poorly.

I had one date where I drove a hundred miles to meet the lady for lunch. As soon as we had ordered, she recieved an upsetting phone call about a family emergency. I told her that if she needed to leave, I understood. I had them box our lunch so she could leave to go attend to the situation, but things resolved quickly (2nd phone call) so that we could stay and eat. So, we had lunch, but she was very distracted.

I have to admit that I did the math. Including the cost of gas, it was about $75 (and 3 hours' driving time) for lunch with a distracted woman.

It would have been really cool if she had called in a day or two, appolgized for the situation (which wasn't her fault, just something that came up) and offered to meet me in my town (or halfway) at her expense. As it is, other than a very brief email exchange, we haven't communicated since then.

Now I have to admit that I chose the restaurant, and that I had said that I understood if she had to leave (which turned out not to be neccesary). So, really I have no right to feel bad about it - so I feel a little guilty to complain. Just goes to show that we can't ignore our taker.

-AD

Wow _AD_ 100 miles! Now that's being willing to do what ever it takes.

Here's how I'm trying to work out my latest date. He lives about 45 miles away. He suggested we meet, I agreed and I waited until I was going in that direction, and actually passing his town, to pick the date. It wasn't more than a few days difference and I realize things can't always work out that conveniently.

Maybe I've gotten lazy or just had too many disappointing dates and maybe I should remove myself from the site I use, but I try my best to make any dates work into my schedule in as seamless a way as possible.

Here's a funny about one guy I was at the point of email exchange. I'd sent him an email a couple of days ago and he returned one today telling me that after careful scrutiny of my photos he's come to realize I look too much like his mother to continue in the process. GAWD, I ROFLMAO, too funny. I felt a little sorry for him, I can imagine the ick factor.

NAMS,

Speaking of the "ick" factor. I did have a date with this younger man who was 6 years younger than I. (Normally, I prefer older men.) I finally agreed to meet this man for lunch; however when I first saw him, I just wanted to do an about face and leave. He looked so much like my younger brother and that was a definite "ick" factor for me. Needless to say, that was our first and last meeting.

When B asked me out, I expected him to pay, and he did. He told me to order whatever I wanted - he chose the restaurant (but sought my OK on it before the date was set).

The next time we had a picnic in the park and he brought everything.

I've paid too sometimes - usually if I'm not sure "who" ought to pay, before we go into a place, I'll simply ask - who's buying? And I'm prepared to pay if I feel it's my turn.

If I think it might be his turn, I'll ask "who" and if I think it should be my turn, I'll just offer... LOL not like I'm trying to manipulate - not at all - I just want to know before we go in. That's working for me - we're both pretty direct so it's no biggie to 'dance' around that topic, and we've been out enough times that I do believe in paying my fair share. We don't split a bill - one or the other pays - easier that way.

Neither of us keeps score either. But I'm sure if we were to look at who has paid when, I'm sure it comes out about even.

I do think that whomever asks for the first date, should be expected to pay. If I'm asked out on a date, I don't automatically order the most expensive thing on the menu - but I won't just have a pine float either... I stick to something in the middle - and of course something I like <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

After that, I think it just depends. I wouldn't expect a man to pay the whole way.

Sometimes we eat at a restaurant that I trade with - the services of my business, for credit at the restaurant. I've accumulated a hefty credit there so I don't mind spending it. We do need to leave a cash tip for the server - sometimes I get it, sometimes B gets it.

I took another friend to lunch there last week (old friend who visits from out of town once or twice a year) and he kept telling me he 'owed' me lunch - well before we went in (and this is a friend, not a 'date')... I told him that if he'd like to leave the tip, lunch was on me. He asked if I was sure - I assured him it was what I *wanted* and he graciously agreed.

That's one other thing, ladies and gents - if someone offers to buy your meal - BE GRACIOUS! Say thank you and don't make a big deal about it. IMO there's nothing that's more of a turn off than people bickering over who should pay, when both want to pay. I've seen this more in women than in men (when same-sex friends are dining, shopping etc.)

I used to work in a grocery store, and whenever friends of the same sex would come to the checkout and one would offer to pay, my experience was this...

Two women (often older women)... "I'll get that, Mildred."

"No you won't, Gertrude... (to me, handing me money) Her money is no good, I'll pay."

"No, let me pay...(shoves friend's money away, reaches out with her money)... I insist!"

At this point *I* (the cashier) am uncomfortable because I'm darned either way if I take either one's money. Usually at that point I'd make a joke about taking the fight outside...

Over time I came to just tell these 'ladies' that they could take a lesson from the men... and as I'd take the cash from the first person who offered it, I'd tell them how men are when presented with a similar situation:

"I'll get this, Steve."

"Thanks, Tom!"

I've found over and over again that men are MUCH more gracious about being offered a kindness. Surprised? I sort of was.

I almost never saw men argue over who'd pick up the bill. If one offered first, the other simply thanked his friend and that was that.

So - ladies and gents (but especially ladies!) - if somebody , male or female, offers to pick up the tab for whatever - just say THANK YOU and accept.

The *only* time this seems to backfire is that sometimes women make the offer, *expecting* that argument and *expecting* to "let" the other person (usually woman) win...

I've seen my mother do this - get into the symbolic argument over who pays, ends up paying, then is secretly resentful afterward. Well - you shouldn't have offered or you should have set it straight *before*...

Games often backfire!

I guess that's why I'm direct. I don't go if I'm not prepared to pay, and if the other offers to pay, I accept graciously - OR we agree ahead of time.

There's nothing wrong with having it set before walking through the door - makes for a lot less discomfort later.

JMHO

JinGA