You know what they say about "when you aren't looking someone comes along"?
I had made an account on Plentyoffish.com and hadn't really had any luck so a week later I deleted the account. A few days later I decided that maybe I should change the profile a little. Add more detail. So I created another one. I've had it a few weeks now and met a few interesting prospects but nothing that really tripped my trigger. Tuesday I was thinking about deleting it again and was just on there getting ready to hit the delete button and a guy emailed me. So I read the email and replied right back to him. A few minutes later he sends me and IM and we talked online. He gave me his cell and asked me to call him so I did. We ended up talking for 6 hours total that night online/and phone.
We decided to meet yesterday. He drove 75 miles in a blizzard to meet me. We had a great first date. The conversation was wonderful. He's got a great sense of humor. He's got a good head on his shoulders. I didn't get very many red flags from him at all. He almost seems too good to be true.
My problem today has been to silence the insecurity in me that says I am setting myself up for disappointment by trusting this man. (any man) I WANT to just go with the flow and see where things go. Any suggestions on how to silence the insecurity??
Given our experiences it's natural to feel a little insecure, isn't it? It makes me think about my twenties, when love was so much easier... I was naive then!
I'd just say live in the present and enjoy the attention. You'll eventually find out more about him. The first impression is never the whole truth. You will have more time to make considerations as the real him emerges. Until then, you don't have to take anything that he says about himself too seriously. I know you are wise enough to ensure both of you have the same values, etc.
Now, tell me how I can improve my online profile to get more responses!
Allurin,
I met someone at a pof event. Too funny.
In fact, I liked your name so much, I used a variation on it as my pof name.
I finally dragged myself out of the house to a hay ride in my area, and met some really nice people. About 90% women on the hayride, but saw an interesting guy and thought hmmm. He'd organized the event. It was a very friendly crowd.
So, we talked for a month while he was away on business (definitely needed time for me).
We never would have met based on our profiles, neither would have picked the other. But long conversations, and we discuss our faith, and MB principles (as he's led Christian marriage counseling in the past). He's willing to take MB quizzes and stuff (but I told him it's too soon). (My photo is bad. I showed him some photos of me, and I"m not photogenic. He said he's glad of that).
So, let me know how it goes. I have major trust issues too. Some people are more willing to talk about things than others. I'm loving the long conversations, particularly because we seem to speak the same language (and I"m considered eccentric so anyone who understands me must be strange).
So let me know how yours goes.
Thanks girls! I hate being in my 40's and have to go through this dating stuff!
John and I have talked a good bit today. I have to admit it's nice to have something to look forward to.
Here is what my profile says...feel free to steal all of it or some of it...LOL
Hoping to meet someone with similar morals, values, interests. Open to new experiences; someone fun yet responsible. Looking for friendship first then take it from there. Would love to be your best friend, but not JUST a best friend with benefits.
Family is important to me...my kids are my best friends. So guys with kids, bring 'em on. My house tends to be the one where kids congregate. That's fine with me--at least I know where my kids are and what they're up to.
I love football (Go Steelers), going for walks, doing yard work, listening to music, singing in my car. Love to cook. I make the best cookies ever!
I believe you don't have to spend money to have fun. I tend to seek out life's simple pleasures. Don't be a couch potato...but enjoy a good movie here and there and maybe a sitcom now and then. I don't like the bar scene I would rather either stay home with that special someone all snuggled up or find something new to do.
Anything else you want to know, please ask. I'll tell you. I'm upfront and expect the same. Thanks for reading and have a fantastic day.
A first date with me would be one that would hopefully result in both of us laughing a lot and having a great time...so much so that we'd both end the night looking forward to the second date. Somewhere where we can have decent conversation. If it's dinner, keep it simple.
P.S. Email me a link to each of your pof profiles.
I tried to find your profile but couldn't.
alluring_az
Ha! Now I see why I don't get many responses.
I listed all the outdoor activities I like to do... and none of them are easy!!
Your profile shows how normal your life is- and that is safe and inviting.
Thank you for the tip!
I am not on pof. I am on match - cinnamon coffee. feel free to critique!
I hope it helps! Let me know!!
I tried finding you on match but that name doesn't work.
Thanks.
Do you have a brighter/lighter picture of you that you can post on yours? Gotta stand out from the rest of the fishy...lol
My advice is, haven't you always wanted to just be brave and take a leap of faith and do something risky? DO IT NOW!
LOL.....thanks Cat....point taken!
Did a little blunder today....
John told me last night that after he shoveled snow he would call me. He didn't call. I figured he had had a long day and fell asleep so I wasn't too worried about it.
I tried calling this morning and got nothing...no answer.....instantly my insecurity of trusting a man kicked into high gear! Upset stomach, damning myself for believing in a man, worry, fear...you name it I felt it this morning. I sent him a text that said..."If I've said something wrong, please let me know". no response. So I called once last time around noonish...and no answer. 2 minutes later he called me back and told me he had just missed my call. He had just pushed someone out of a ditch.
John also said that while shoveling snow last night he almost dropped his cell into the snow so he threw his cell in his truck while he finished shoveling and there it stayed all night. When he got in the house he was freezing, he took an allergy pill, and jumped into the shower, got out and laid on the couch where he immediately fell asleep until this morning.
He said I was paranoid. I agreed and apologized and asked him to forgive me. I told him it will get better once we get to know each other more and learn each other's quirks.
So he's to call tonight when he gets home from work and we'll discuss it more then. I feel really bad for jumping to conclusions. My girlfriend gave me h*ll for it this morning. She told me to give it until Monday to hear from him...I told her I couldn't imagine waiting that long...it would tear me up. She stopped into work just as I was talking to him on the phone and she gave me h*ll again after I hung up for getting all worked up for nothing.
UGH! I'm so mad at myself! I'm my worse enemy sometimes!!
BRING ON THE :twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour:
Allurin,
Boy, don't I know where you were at and your response to it! I can assure you, it is insecurity born of our horrible experiences. In fact, another well know author who writes books that are about women being from one planet and men from another says in a book about starting over that 90 percent of how we perceive/react to our current relationship is because of our past relationships and only 10 percent is in response to what is "actually" happening in our current relationship.
I have been dating my sweetie for almost 5 months now. We met through online dating, as well. He has never been a call every day type guy - he prefers texting because of his work hours. He works 12 hour shifts, days one month, nights the next. They can get a call and put him in the air on a moments notice. Other times, he may be sleeping. Not long after we started dating (about a month in), he disappeared from contact for 3 days. Because the relationship was so new, I thought it strange but didn't stress over it. Turns out, he was working on an extra project for work and he is unable to do more than one thing at a time. The man CANNOT multitask!!!! At the time, I had a good giggle over it with my best friend and that was it.
We cooked along quite happily for another 2 months and Hurricane Ike hit our area. I kept his dog because he had to be at the hospital 24/7. Then, he got power back LONG before I did, so I stayed at his house for 5 days. Everything was great. Within a week afterward, he became very distant and, then, disappeared from the radar for 5 days. Instead of relying on my previous experience after month one, I panicked - TRULY panicked!!! I just knew that, despite our agreeing that we were mutually exclusive, he MUST be with someone else. Turns out when he finally reappeared, he had been stressing over the repairs that needed to be done to his roof due the hurricane and switching from days to nights. The minute they did the temporary repairs to his roof, he was back to his old self - again.
Since then, we have been great. For the past few days, he has disappeared, again! This time, I know that the workers have been at his house doing the permanent repairs to his roof and, today, he and his neighbor were replacing their fence due to hurricane damage. Instead of stressing, this time, I was able to say, "That's just [insert his name]."
I would strongly encourage you to take a look at the women from one planet book and men from another planet book on a date. Its great and does for dating what Dr. Harley does for marriages. I have learned so much. For example, previously, when a guy would go into his "cave," I'd chase him in - heck, even if he wasn't in his cave, I'd chase him...I learned that men should be the pursuers (gee, I hate to admit it, but Mom was right). This is working great! My sweetie does all the contacting and I, then, respond. He asks me out, plans our dates, etc. In fact, at the end of January, he is going with my son and me skiing in Telluride for a week!
Did you make a mistake calling John? Yes...but that's okay! We all make mistakes and, since he did call you back and is still talking to you, it didn't do much harm. However, you can't beat yourself up over it, but you do have to trust him until he gives you reason not to....for men, trust is a BIG thing.
Regards,
BB
Brit
I have the books you are talking about....somewhere in a box. I'll look tomorrow for them.
A male friend of mine called me tonight and gave me some great advice! When I'm feeling those emotions and thoughts...I need to just stop and give that particular emotion or thought to GOD. Now why didn't I think of that?!?!?!
He also told me that I'm addicted to the chaos surrounding the emotions and thoughts. Like an alcoholic (which he is...he's been clean & sober for 5 years) is addicted to alcohol, I need to break the addiction. "If you can't control the emotion; you must be addicted to it"
He also gave me some ideas of books to read.
John gets out of work at 10...I'm going to keep myself busy at home and WAIT for him to call ME.
Hmm, I don't know about you, but this rings a very unpleasant bell for me, as it does for most BS's. We all know what that phrase means. I would consider this a
.
AGG
AGG,
You are usually right. But I am going to disagree with you on this one. Think about the circumstances. Unless I read it wrong, they have been on one date. They hardly know each other. She texts him and tells him to let her know if she has done anything wrong. Of course she hasn't done anything wrong. No offense AGE, but it seems you WERE being paranoid.
So far, he seems nice. And understanding too since he didn't think she was going too far sending the text in the first place.
Good luck AGE and have fun
Sorry AGG I agree with starving...I was being paranoid...aka insecure and thankfully he's not holding it over my head and I'm learning how to change my knee jerk reactions from past relationships.
Ronda
AGE,
It's hard to trust, we've been hurt by someone that we loved, so it's a risk putting ourselves back out there again!!! But we have to if we have hope of finding that special someone!!!
I just put a profile up on pof, but have had one on singlesnet for close to a year. I have talked to a few guys and meet one, didn't go anywhere.
I have three that I am talking with right now, two have the same name, so may run into problems if they were to call!!! We are just at the point of exchanging phone numbers.
But like you said it is fun to have a reason to open up e mail, having someone flirt with us, asking how our day was.
It was so funny to see your thread, as I hadn't messed online for sometime, but last week being home I had my daughters laptop and the dog for company.
So keep us posted on how things go!!
It's nice to see advice from others!
Dawn
All
I got to ask. With respect to 'He thinks I'm paranoid', what are you supposed to say in these situations?
Someone who is a cheater will never say ' Hi honey, I am a cheater and was cake eating last nigt when you called'
In return, someone feeling like they are being accused, right or wrong, will say things like 'You're paranoid', 'Don't worry', etc.
But, isn't it all fruitless? Or maybe I am cynical. Hopefully, we can all find that special someone who would not do it first and be radically honest second. Until then, the dances we play as humans are tiring and pointless. IMHO
BTW, my girlfriend does the same insecure type things. Sometimes, she will text and if I don't respond in 1 hour, then she sends another wondering what is wrong. Same thing with the phone. It seems to be more prevalant when she does something she thinks may upset me (cancel plans, etc.). I think she is just someone who tries to please everyone. She hasn't yet learned what pleases me is what makes her happy. It's no big deal though, just respond and be supportive. I am sure I do strange things because of my baggage as well. That's where love should shine through to be compassionate and understanding, I guess
Dawn,
Enjoy yourself and take it for what it is. Weed out the good ones and give the others a chance. I've pretty much decided that I'm concentrating only on John for the moment as I'm not comfortable as a serial dater. My profile is still up but hidden from the general public and I've quit talking to the other potentials until I know that this is something real.
Grindnfool,
This is where I am still a work in progress but as it was explained to me by my male friend. John has not given me any reason to believe that he is cake eating so therefore I need to trust him and what he is saying to me; as hard as that is for me given my past baggage. One thing he and I had discussed from the very beginning was honesty. John is very much a straight shooter and I like that.
Last night John texted me after work and said he had a bad night and didn't feel like talking. I texted him back and said it was okay and to call me tomorrow. John could have easily never called and/or not answered my calls and texts that I would have made/sent had I not heard from him at all. I was at peace with this...I didn't jump to conclusions. I took him at his word and went to sleep and slept good. The old me would have pondered all night, gotten sick to my stomach and probably would have called him to just make sure he was telling me the truth.
A few days ago when I apologized to John, he shared with me that there are days when he won't talk to anyone and I told him that if there was ever a time when he didn't want to talk to please just tell me. So I'm thankful that he told me that last night and I have to trust him until he gives me reason not to. It's a learning process and so far it's working.
Like my friend said...if you can't control the emotion; you must be addicted to it. Therefore you need to break the addiction and learn to trust yourself and the man in question. (share this with your girlfriend)
Ronda
Dear Allurin,
Glad to hear that you have now got your sensibilities back!
Could you explain what it is exactly when your friends say "if you can't control the emotion; you must be addicted to it"?
***
I have posted my match profile here, for your opinion. Do you think I should make mine longer? The sidebars on match lists things like interests, background etc, so I did not include it in my profile. Maybe I should?
CinnamonCoffee looking for a Muffin to go
I am looking for someone to do things with-- go to a movie, quiet walks or a long drive out in the country on weekends. I have an adventurous spirit-- jumping off a plane, rafting, mountain climbing, I am game! When not outdoors, I chill out at home with a good book or the idiot box and music.
I am looking for someone with similar (or even diverse) interests, and when we get to really know each other, decide whether we want to go in for the long haul. I enjoy men who are articulate and funny. I am attracted to the non-conventional, I like my men a little scruffy but clean.
You are a big bonus if you cook because I don't!
Are you in SNJ?
If so, there's a POF event Sat night and my guy will be there.
RuffledNot
What he means by that is that if you can't control the emotion of insecurity for example...then you must be addicted to the result of that insecurity. The chaos and mayhem that comes with it. Not that we like that chaos and mayhem but that we are used to the chaos and mayhem and don't know how to change it. Does that make sense to you? He explains it so much better than I do. lol
Your profile looks good...If you reach a point where traffic stops then change things around and spice it up a little.
Good luck!
Ronda
I have no kids tonight and I'm off work tomorrow so John is coming here after he gets out of work. I'm looking forward to spending time with him. We live a little more than an hour away from one another so it's a challenge to schedule our time together. So far it's working though.
Did I mention he is a Prison Guard? oops excuse me...a Correction Officer...he's corrected me on that. LOL Gotta love a man in uniform!!!
I understand your explanation, alllurin. Thank you!
I have also given more detail in my profile and posted a photo-- there's a lot more traffic now, but mostly just people who wants to take me to bed... lol.
Those are the ones you immediately delete or put on ignore.
Looks like I might have been stood up tonight. Trying to give him the benefit of the doubt though. Time will tell.
Edit...He just text me and said he'll call later...he's at the ER?!?!?! Something about his eye.
Ay, this online acquaintances drive us both mad, don't they?
I met mine for the first time on Wednesday night and he hasn't called since. It's Sunday, so I will assume he is no longer interested.
LOL, I didn't expect mine to be so small framed... he has a smallish face, and if I wore my heels, I might be taller than him. Ok, no more waiting more than a month to meet up! I sorta got attached to the voice and the attention that he has bestowed upon me.
Hope yours will go well!
R