dating dilemma - 01/25/10 12:13 PM
I used to be an active participant on MB, several years ago, all through my divorce and its aftermath. I've started a new account to reclaim my anonymity.
Short version of the story to follow: a woman is falling in love with me, and I'm not falling in love with her, and I do not know what to do.
It's been a few years since my divorce and I've dated very little. I wanted to find happiness on my own. Honestly, if more opportunities had presented themselves I'd have pursued them, but they didn't. And I was fine. I went through an awful nightmare when my former wife had an affair and divorced me, but now my life is good. I'd accept the right woman into my life, but I don't need a partner to be happy.
Recently I became good friends with a woman I've been acquainted with for a few years. We're connected through a group of mutual friends. She and I started spending time together, as friends. Soon we were seeing more and more of each other, and she announced that she had a huge crush on me.
I resisted, initially telling her I was not interested in changing our friendship to something else. She was hurt, but we continued hanging around together, a lot. And people were talking, and asking what's going on with you two?
I won't go into detail about what a wonderful girl she is.
One night a month ago she called to say she was very sad. I didn't know why. She was pining for me and feeling rejected, but I didn't realize it. I just thought she was a little lonely and had the blues.
That night I stopped at her house to console her, and we slept together. I'd been telling close friends that she was beginning to win me over with her basic goodness, and then she did.
We started dating officially. We planned a long weekend in Mexico which is happening in a few weeks.
At the beginning, and I'm talking three weeks ago, she said things like, "Let's not worry about where this is going and just try to have fun." But that didn't last for long. She is obviously falling in love with me.
But I'm not falling in love with her.
I don't find her all that attractive physically (something I can never tell her).
And she's a little sloppy sometimes, and there's cat hair, which I hate, and she likes lying around and taking naps. She isn't lazy or chaotic, but she's less fastidious than me, and I'm more active and on-the-go than she is.
At first I thought her excellent qualities would override the minor compatibility problems, and that my attraction was adequate. We have a great time together. One of my friends said he's never seen me more at ease around someone before.
But the negatives continue to bother me. And her growing attachment has started to feel cloying. She calls me "darling" and "honey" and "babe". When I answer her phone calls she sings, "Hiiiiiiii." She's got a raging attraction for me, and is in that sexual volcano stage you get at the beginning of a relationship, and is full of "it's never been like this with anybody else" talk.
The night we had sex for the first time, she said if she couldn't have me, our friendship could not be sustained as it was, and that losing me would be "excruciating".
I'm sitting here awake because I don't know what to do.
I don't want to cancel this trip and break her heart. It's going to hurt her too much.
I feel I've painted her in this post as someone very clingy, and that's not fair. There's nothing wrong with her, except that she's falling for me and I'm not falling for her. I thought I might go there, but it's not happening.
And I do not know what to do. If I end this now I will be the world's worst person. She just got her passport renewed. She provided my plane ticket (she'd won a pair in a raffle at work). She hasn't traveled a lot, and she's buzzing with enthusiasm and excitement for our trip. She wants to go hiking with me and give me massages and do everything she can to make me happy and see that all my dreams come true.
But that isn't what I want.
Short version of the story to follow: a woman is falling in love with me, and I'm not falling in love with her, and I do not know what to do.
It's been a few years since my divorce and I've dated very little. I wanted to find happiness on my own. Honestly, if more opportunities had presented themselves I'd have pursued them, but they didn't. And I was fine. I went through an awful nightmare when my former wife had an affair and divorced me, but now my life is good. I'd accept the right woman into my life, but I don't need a partner to be happy.
Recently I became good friends with a woman I've been acquainted with for a few years. We're connected through a group of mutual friends. She and I started spending time together, as friends. Soon we were seeing more and more of each other, and she announced that she had a huge crush on me.
I resisted, initially telling her I was not interested in changing our friendship to something else. She was hurt, but we continued hanging around together, a lot. And people were talking, and asking what's going on with you two?
I won't go into detail about what a wonderful girl she is.
One night a month ago she called to say she was very sad. I didn't know why. She was pining for me and feeling rejected, but I didn't realize it. I just thought she was a little lonely and had the blues.
That night I stopped at her house to console her, and we slept together. I'd been telling close friends that she was beginning to win me over with her basic goodness, and then she did.
We started dating officially. We planned a long weekend in Mexico which is happening in a few weeks.
At the beginning, and I'm talking three weeks ago, she said things like, "Let's not worry about where this is going and just try to have fun." But that didn't last for long. She is obviously falling in love with me.
But I'm not falling in love with her.
I don't find her all that attractive physically (something I can never tell her).
And she's a little sloppy sometimes, and there's cat hair, which I hate, and she likes lying around and taking naps. She isn't lazy or chaotic, but she's less fastidious than me, and I'm more active and on-the-go than she is.
At first I thought her excellent qualities would override the minor compatibility problems, and that my attraction was adequate. We have a great time together. One of my friends said he's never seen me more at ease around someone before.
But the negatives continue to bother me. And her growing attachment has started to feel cloying. She calls me "darling" and "honey" and "babe". When I answer her phone calls she sings, "Hiiiiiiii." She's got a raging attraction for me, and is in that sexual volcano stage you get at the beginning of a relationship, and is full of "it's never been like this with anybody else" talk.
The night we had sex for the first time, she said if she couldn't have me, our friendship could not be sustained as it was, and that losing me would be "excruciating".
I'm sitting here awake because I don't know what to do.
I don't want to cancel this trip and break her heart. It's going to hurt her too much.
I feel I've painted her in this post as someone very clingy, and that's not fair. There's nothing wrong with her, except that she's falling for me and I'm not falling for her. I thought I might go there, but it's not happening.
And I do not know what to do. If I end this now I will be the world's worst person. She just got her passport renewed. She provided my plane ticket (she'd won a pair in a raffle at work). She hasn't traveled a lot, and she's buzzing with enthusiasm and excitement for our trip. She wants to go hiking with me and give me massages and do everything she can to make me happy and see that all my dreams come true.
But that isn't what I want.