I used to be an active participant on MB, several years ago, all through my divorce and its aftermath. I've started a new account to reclaim my anonymity.

Short version of the story to follow: a woman is falling in love with me, and I'm not falling in love with her, and I do not know what to do.

It's been a few years since my divorce and I've dated very little. I wanted to find happiness on my own. Honestly, if more opportunities had presented themselves I'd have pursued them, but they didn't. And I was fine. I went through an awful nightmare when my former wife had an affair and divorced me, but now my life is good. I'd accept the right woman into my life, but I don't need a partner to be happy.

Recently I became good friends with a woman I've been acquainted with for a few years. We're connected through a group of mutual friends. She and I started spending time together, as friends. Soon we were seeing more and more of each other, and she announced that she had a huge crush on me.

I resisted, initially telling her I was not interested in changing our friendship to something else. She was hurt, but we continued hanging around together, a lot. And people were talking, and asking what's going on with you two?

I won't go into detail about what a wonderful girl she is.

One night a month ago she called to say she was very sad. I didn't know why. She was pining for me and feeling rejected, but I didn't realize it. I just thought she was a little lonely and had the blues.

That night I stopped at her house to console her, and we slept together. I'd been telling close friends that she was beginning to win me over with her basic goodness, and then she did.

We started dating officially. We planned a long weekend in Mexico which is happening in a few weeks.

At the beginning, and I'm talking three weeks ago, she said things like, "Let's not worry about where this is going and just try to have fun." But that didn't last for long. She is obviously falling in love with me.

But I'm not falling in love with her.

I don't find her all that attractive physically (something I can never tell her).

And she's a little sloppy sometimes, and there's cat hair, which I hate, and she likes lying around and taking naps. She isn't lazy or chaotic, but she's less fastidious than me, and I'm more active and on-the-go than she is.

At first I thought her excellent qualities would override the minor compatibility problems, and that my attraction was adequate. We have a great time together. One of my friends said he's never seen me more at ease around someone before.

But the negatives continue to bother me. And her growing attachment has started to feel cloying. She calls me "darling" and "honey" and "babe". When I answer her phone calls she sings, "Hiiiiiiii." She's got a raging attraction for me, and is in that sexual volcano stage you get at the beginning of a relationship, and is full of "it's never been like this with anybody else" talk.

The night we had sex for the first time, she said if she couldn't have me, our friendship could not be sustained as it was, and that losing me would be "excruciating".

I'm sitting here awake because I don't know what to do.

I don't want to cancel this trip and break her heart. It's going to hurt her too much.

I feel I've painted her in this post as someone very clingy, and that's not fair. There's nothing wrong with her, except that she's falling for me and I'm not falling for her. I thought I might go there, but it's not happening.

And I do not know what to do. If I end this now I will be the world's worst person. She just got her passport renewed. She provided my plane ticket (she'd won a pair in a raffle at work). She hasn't traveled a lot, and she's buzzing with enthusiasm and excitement for our trip. She wants to go hiking with me and give me massages and do everything she can to make me happy and see that all my dreams come true.

But that isn't what I want.

I can't say much except that you aren't doing her any favors. It's hard to hurt somebody, but you will feel relief if you are honest. She will be sad for awhile, but she'll get over you.

You tried, and it isn't working. Tell her what's in your head, and urge her to take the trip anyway, either by herself or with a friend.

As for the friendship, the best thing you can do for her is to stay away. She will get over you faster if you aren't around.

I have been dumped before...three days before a long weekend. He gave me a choice, and said we could still on the trip together as friends. I said no thanks, but that I would use the place if he couldn't cancel and get a refund.

I agree that not being open and honest with her is only enabling the crush/infatuation/fantasy that she has and tangling the web even more.

"You have a lot of wonderful and unique qualities, but my gut instinct is that this isn't working for me, and I have to follow my intuition. I'm sorry, and I wish you well."

I would tell her that you're going to give her the ticket back and hope that she will take another friend and have a wonderful time.

Then break it off now. Continuing to lead her on will only make her feel worse when you do come around to giving her the news.

AGG

I totally agree. Going through the exact same thing myself and it is NOT easy to hurt someone, but what a relief I felt when I said, 'this will not work. It is not what *I* want.'

I would not go on the trip with her if I were you. Better to end it now before the trip.

This is very good advice, and thanks to everyone.

I was in a highly anxious state, really overwhelmed, when I wrote that post, and that's not a time to make a decision.

So I went to her house and we talked, and it was hard, but she knows everything, and we're not calling it quits. But she understands that if I continue feeling engulfed and overwhelmed, we will have to. It's worth trying, and she knows everything.

After I was divorced I put up some fairly significant armor to keep myself safe and give myself the ability to be happy on my own. And I became very suspicious of cathectic feelings of romantic attachment, since the dark side of all that is what makes romantic affairs happen, and I once wound up on the business end of one of those. When I sensed that this woman was developing a strong romantic attachment to me, I reacted with panic.

She admits that she is ahead of me, but she's anxious and full of doubt too. We agreed to keep talking, and she's going to dial it down a little.

Things are stormy and disturbed, but we're going to deal with it together even if that means breaking up.

Did you tell her this?

I am glad you had a heart to heart with her, but I personally think that you are just delaying the inevitable and trying to give her a soft landing. This sounds like a seriously out-of-sync relationship (distancer/pursuer), and it's really not fair to the person who is "ahead". She will always feel like she has to modulate her feelings (or not show them), and you will still feel smothered. Not a good way to go.

AGG

I told her everything.

My impression was that things were more out of sync than they are. And she understands about the physical part and that it might be an EN that I need and can't get from her. She was not surprised, or even especially bothered by it (which doesn't mean I won't be). Her greatest fear was that I was going to say she bored me. She's kind of a goody-two-shoes (she thinks) and I'm more like the fun-loving party guy (she thinks).

If this is not sustainable, it won't be swirling beneath the surface making us silently miserable and dealing the thing death by a thousand cuts. We'll end it if we have to. It's worth taking a few lumps. I'll have earned my way out, and we'll have faced it like grownups.

She is an impressive girl, seriously.

She thinks we should consider calling off the trip, but we're going to wait and see.

"distancer/pursuer"

She put it as her being afraid of getting abandoned, and me being afraid of getting engulfed. She remembered those words from some book.

It is possible that she's saying what she needs to say to keep me from leaving, but we talked about that too. She said she made that mistake once before, staying with somebody who didn't want her because she thought his feelings would change, doing whatever it took to keep him around. She doesn't want to do that again.

Look, we've both been around the block. We have our eyes open.

That sounds good then. Time is always the best decider .

AGG

Thanks a lot AGG. I remember you from back when, though I have this secret identity now.

This is tough, if you absolutely know for sure you can never be with her in the way she wants, it's only prolonging it and hurting her all the more. However, if you think there's a possibility you could change your mind and you don't want to throw away that chance forever, then please revert back to being friends...this is one reason sex before marriage isn't a good idea, no preaching here, it just does better within the safe confines of the marriage commitment. Women tend to bond to the person they have sex with whereas men often view it differently, separating the sexual act and love.

It is hard to take a step backwards in the relationship, not everyone can do it, but it needs done, and now. Perhaps you could explain to her that it went faster/deeper than you'd intended and you value her friendship but you aren't ready (and may never be) for anything more.

Personally, I think it'd be good if you'd let her take the trip, on you, with a GF of hers.