I'm reading the obsessive crush thread in the divorced/divorcing forum. Apparently I have this problem. Thankfully my crush is legal. My question is: Is it normal to be obsessive about your first crush right out of the gate? Should I try to kill it? Should I just let it play out?

I keep checking FB and it's driving me crazy. He likes most everything I post and since he's been busy he hasn't really commented/liked much of anyone else's stuff. I'm trying NOT to read anything into it. He told me he would be busy for the next 6 months or so and he wouldn't have much time for communication. I'm willing to wait and see what happens because I like him that much. Is that stupid?

He hasn't been on FB for over 24 hours which is unusual and I have actually wondered if he's avoiding me. How crazy is that line of thinking when he likes or comments on most of my posts? And if he is ... what difference does it make? What the heck is wrong with me? Yesterday was a good day. I was resolved to just enjoy life and not focus on him or anyone else. Today, not so good day. I don't understand the difference in a day.

I had a (guy) friend tell me to just date around and don't be too focused on this one person. I'm just not equipped to that line of thought. And this one person has trust issues because his ex cheated on him BEFORE they even married and all through the marriage with the same person (he didn't know until the day he left her). One thing I am is trustworthy and loyal. In my marriage if a man flirted with me, I would go the other direction.

What I'm saying is, if I did go out with someone (even just as friends) and he found out, he would probably never stop to find out my reasoning behind it. He would totally write us off. I had that happen before I married. I liked this one guy TOO much so I went out with another guy trying to keep myself from falling for the first guy. The first guy found out and reciprocated by going out with another girl and never asking me again.

I'm sorry to keep dragging this up but my emotions are CRAZY right now. It's not that I think I HAVE to have this person in my life, it's the what ifs of it because there are so many things I like about him even though there are more differences than likes. I think if I could get closure (either that it *might* turn into something or that it will *never* turn into something) I would be good with it. It's the not knowing that's driving me insane. I remember doing this in my marriage. So many things didn't add up and I would go back and forth trying to figure it out. One day I would be like Priss, you are worrying for nothing and the next day I would be like a mad person worrying all day long.

In the long run, I know this is all crazy talk. lol

I think it's pretty normal to obsess over a crush. I think it's part of the definition of a crush, actually.

Pris, you've only been divorced for a couple of months. You might want to consider letting the dust settle a little bit before you start getting emotionally invested in anyone.

I totally agree but how the heck do you keep yourself from doing that? I basically just have fun on FB and there are a few single guys there that I comment with and have fun with and I enjoy that but I'm not interested really. I just want to have fun. Fun with my crush. Fun with other ppl. I don't want to obsess or wonder the what ifs. I don't want to care if he's been on FB or not. Why can't I do this? I was planning on NOT going to FB for a few days but I enjoy FB and I shouldn't let someone (even though not intentional) drive me away right? I'm trying to learn self-control but so far I haven't learned a thing. I don't want to be a FB stalker.

priss, if this guy has told you that he's too busy for you for the next six months, then he has stated his intentions. If he is so shy/unmotivated/whatever that he will lose interest in you just because you go out on a casual date with another man, then he doesn't deserve you.

Now having said that....your divorce was final a little more than 3 months ago. You're probably not ready to date yet. I have heard and read a lot of theories about how long it takes to recover from a divorce. Some people say it takes a year, some say a year for every 10 years of marriage, and in DivorceCare they say a year for every 4 years of marriage.

For me, it has been almost a year since the divorce was final, and I have been separated from my ex-husband since Aug of '09. In the last couple of months I have started feeling like myself again. I have more energy and I'm basically happy with my life now.

I'd suggest that you set yourself a time to start dating and plan to NOT date at all before then. That's what I did, and I found that those fleeting crushes were not as obsessive because I had committed to not dating yet.

A lot of people end up in very painful rebound relationships because they started dating when they were feeling emotionally needy. You can't bring your best self to a new relationship when you're still getting over the last one. Heck, I know somebody who married the rebound person. His second divorce was recently final.

You can block him, although it sounds as if you don't want to do that.

Yeah, it's probably normal.

Should you kill normal?
I donno.
Does having this crush bother you in any way?
It's basically a fantasy.
A series of "what if?" thoughts.
Thinking about him does not mean you ought to/need to do anything about inviting him into your life.

In fact, I advise you not to.
You're way to raw and "confused", as you admit.



You're such a sweetie!

It really helps to talk these things out. I feel better just getting the info out there and out of my head. I know I'm not ready to date but I don't think I'm ready for a crush either. I just don't know how to keep it from happening.

It all came about too fast and he came to see me the same week we started talking. He was THAT interested and he was starting school the next week so I'm assuming he was afraid he wouldn't know if we didn't go ahead and meet. We had agreed to take it slow but that wasn't the case. *hand to head* He had been praying for God to send the right person in his life. I had been praying similar although I wasn't expecting it to happen right now. He would talk himself in and out of meeting up. He talked about moving back here and long term things. It all just went too fast and now I'm in an emotional mess wondering what if. lol

He is a cousin of a cousin.

I would be so fine with this crush if I could quit obsessing about it and wondering where it could go. I wish I wasn't a focused person you know? The rational part of me says I'm CRAZY but there is that romantic part that says awwww ... it 'could' work.

So I need to keep this bag over my head 24/7? That MIGHT work.

I wouldn't be so available to him. It'd be good to learn NOT to fixate. You want something so much that it could cost you. Try to get a grip by spending more time with GFs, take a class, volunteer your time, etc. Get yourself busy enough you don't have so much time for crushing.

I think I've figured it out. I feel like an idiot for having this crush and thinking it 'could' be more. Not that he really knows how I feel or anything. Ya'll are the only ones besides my BFF that really knows how I've obsessed over it. Still I feel like a complete fool. *sigh*

And it feels somewhat like rejection (see that thread) I suppose. I've had enough of being made to feel like crap and I don't need any more.

By saying make myself less available do you mean stay away from FB? I don't do anything but change my status, make comments, and like things. I don't go there JUST for him and I enjoy FB so ... should I give that up because I have a crush? He has no clue. I don't comment or like any of his posts unless he has done so to many of mine. I truly JUST want to see him as a friend and nothing more.

This makes no sense, Pris. You're equating rejection with a guy you have no relationship with. You are predicating your feelings on this, and that isn't healthy for you.

Please consider blocking this guy while you heal from your divorce. You are very emotionally vulnerable right now.

I didn't know the extent to which you had contact with him when I said to consider making yourself less available to him. It seems it's not his responses that are bothering you, it's your own feelings. If it helps, you could unfriend him, that might stop your fantasies, but if you can handle being superficial friends on FB and it doesn't hurt you, then no need to go that far. I guess you are the best one to determine what you need to do.

I don't see any need for you to feel embarrassed, you are just speaking openly to us about what you are feeling and going through, and it's not like we haven't been through it to some degree at some time or another. It's natural and normal to want someone to love you. It can be hurtful when it's one sided or not healthy. Maybe that's why I don't even date any more...there's nothing wrong with dating, I just don't feel like all the complexities, etc. I just enjoy the break from emotion and drama and I'm okay being just me. I have a son getting married and I look forward to grandchildren. I have friends and enjoy their company. If I ever meet a Mr. Wonderful there's always time to reconsider...so far, haven't met him. The only Mr. Wonderful I've met is my late husband.

I totally agree. Hence the confusion I am having.

I'm going to think about blocking him but I REALLY want to work through this without having to do so. I suppose I'm saying I want to become stronger even while seeing his pretty little face on FB you know? See if I can stop the obsession and just roll with it.

Yeah, that and I start worrying if he isn't commenting/liking/etc. that he's 'hiding' from me. Not that he knows I'm stalking. It's just ALL in my mind. I tell you my ex did a number on me and I have NO confidence in myself whatsoever. I second guess everything I say/do.

This is probably dumb too but it's like if it's in my mind, everyone knows what I'm thinking. How crazy is that?


Thank you so much for saying this. I need to know I'm 'normal' on an hourly basis. Where's that huggy smile when you need it? My BFF had an emotional affair with a guy several years ago. She said she got to the point where she would stare at his cell number on her phone and 'accidentally' text him a blank text just so he would respond. That let's me know wanting to be loved and having these feelings I'm having are fairly normal. Thankfully I haven't done anything like that. I would probably have to be put in a padded room from embarrassment.



I suppose that's what is confusing to me. I enjoy my life. I even like just staying home and piddling. So why do I feel the need to connect with a man? Why? I have enough sense to know I'm not ready so why? I have enough sense to know there are worse things than being lonely. I just never thought I would have all these emotions.

I truly appreciate ya'll listening to me babble.

The problem, as I see it, is that you WANT a relationship with him. That will preclude you from blocking him.

I stay with my original suggestion. Heal yourself first. Dating comes later. Protect your heart, sweetie.

"Just rolling with it" tells me that you want to pursue this guy and pretend that you have no control over your actions. I think you need to conduct yourself with a semblance of control in this case, as a measure of protection for yourself.

Because you crave outside validation...hence the need to work on your self esteem. You already know what a wonderful woman you are. You just need to OWN it!

Crush,

I think you can just block his updates from your page without defriending,

brace yourself,
pull up his page ( try not to look at his face!!!)
chick on subscribe
change his feed settings

I sorry your crushing, don't have a cure for that one. WAY better than dealing with a WS though

Closest thing to a cure I know of is to get busy, like others have suggested.

SC

Thanks for letting us know that! I went to their wall, subscribe pull down menu, check unsubscribe. Now maybe I'll have peace and quiet from a couple of usurpers I didn't want to defriend, cool!

Thanks Kay! I'm at the depression stage in my Divorce Care emails and it has really helped me to realize my losses and work on them individually. Right now I'm working on being happy with my life as it is and knowing that, like you said, I am a good person and learn to OWN IT. Who cares if I have a partner? Who cares what other ppl think? I have a good life now. I can do what I want. I am queen of the remote (for once in my life). I don't have to answer to anyone but God. Etc.

Thank all of you for your patience.

Amen to that! I suppose that's why I don't get the crush feelings I've had. I don't ever really want to risk being cheated on or emotionally abused again. Crazy woman I am. lol

Prissanna,

I'm sorry, but you aren't ready to date. In your current state, you will "fall in love" right out of the gate, the relationship (if you even get to the point of a real relationship) will end abruptly as most do, and you will have even more heartbreak piled on to what you already have.

Until you can enjoy dating without viewing every guy as a potential Mr. Right, I don't recommend it. Work out, read, learn to play an instrument...but stay away from men while you heal.

If you must have the company of a man, find a gay one. LOL

That is so funny Krazy! Me and an old friend from high school have reconnected and he's gay. I am ROFL at your remark. What I really want right now is friendship and conversation. Nothing more. It just all came about too freaking fast and it threw me for a loop.

I totally agree that I'm not ready. Thankfully I have learned something from this.

This was in my Divorce Care email this morning. It is SO powerful! I wish they had classes closer to me that I could go to. *sigh* I think this is my problem. I tried to be the BEST wife I could be. Maybe now I can't separate myself from being a partner???

One step in managing your depression is to accept yourself as you are and to accept God's love.

"If you have thought of yourself solely as a wife or husband and you lose that," says Dr. Linda Mintle, "sometimes you don't even know who you are. You have to learn that you are more than just a relationship, . . . and you must ultimately define yourself in Christ. He delights in you; He has created you in a good way; His gifts are in you."

OK. I have come to terms that this crush is all that there is. However, it still feels like rejection and I have a knot in my stomach because of that. What the flip is wrong with me? I've got enough sense to see that it couldn't work and I'm sure that's what he's feeling too so why do *I* feel rejected??? I'm tired of struggling with this.

prissanna, here's another way to think about it....

You know that logically it would never work with this guy. He knows that logically it would not work for him either. But he still thinks that you're so cute that he's stalking your facebook page and "liking" everything you say. You're so attractive to him that he is ignoring logic. This is not rejection. He is fighting the feelings because he is remembering the facts.

When you were married, did you ever notice attractive men? I sure did. But it never went any farther than that because of the fact that I was married.

When I first got divorced, I tended to see a lot of single men as a possibility. Now that I've gotten more accustomed to being single, my attitude is changing. If there are logical reasons why it wouldn't work with a particular man, then he is just as off-limits as if he were married. If circumstances change and the reasons it wouldn't work go away, then that man might be a possibility again. But in the meantime, a crush on an unavailable man is about as helpful as a crush on a famous actor. It might be a little fun, but there should be no expectations.

Awww Kirby. You are so WISE. I want to think of it like that (actually it didn't occur to me) but he might just be a FB liker/stalker. lol You can't tell what other things ppl like unless the other person has a public profile.

I WANT to believe that the reasons it wouldn't work will go away but I don't want to hope for something that will never be. He told me he's ready to settle down. But since we met, no REAL conversation so I'm thinking that's my answer. He freaked before we even re-met about the possibility of moving back here. I'm just so tired of freaking analyzing it. One minute I'm depressed because I feel rejected and the next I'm like well it ain't over. Cahrazy! lol

Off to dream about Matthew McConawhatever his name is. lol

Mathew who? LOL

I love Kirby's comments.

P, I love what you said about the remote. Okay, my assignment today is to make a list of all of the GOOD things about being single. I did that once, it helps. (You don't have to share the Doritos. You can watch what you want on t.v. You can adopt a dog without having to consult someone about it. If you put a ding in your car, there's no one to burst an aorta over it, etc. etc.)

I HAD to go look up how to spell his name. You MADE me go look it up. lol Matthew McConaughey *drool*

Do it! Make a thread about it. I'll add mine. It should be fun.

I've been reading the old threads in this section and it is SO helping me to realize where I am.

I wonder if maybe it is actually good to have a crush on a guy who doesn't know...you are fresh off a divorce, and instead of getting involved in a real relationship that will end badly, you are in a relationship in your mind....you have to wait 6 months for this guy to be available...maybe that is a good thing...

I see your point but I'm afraid my mind will want to turn it into something else you know? I become obsessive about things and drive myself insane.

I've done really good with this but today I've been thinking about things he said/did again. I don't get how you can let it go one day and the next day it's there. Our mutual cousin texted me today and asked how things were going. I'm like what things? lol She said well, you are probably still talking but not as much right? I'm like no. No communication. I was strong though cause I was tempted to tell her to text him and see what he said. At this point I don't really care what he says. He has as many issues if not more than I do. We both need some healing time. In six months ... who knows?

It hit me today that he could have met 'the one' where he lives and that made me sad. WHY would that make me sad???? Dummy! lol I want nothing more than for him to find 'the one' and be happy.

I think it all boils down to it feeling like another thing I've failed at. I know that's a STUPID way to think but it just is what it is. I know ya'll think I'm crazy and I'm sorry. I will move on. I will move on. I will ... hahahaha!

I think it best if you try to not think about him. Keep busy!