I'll try to keep this short:

When I'm dating a woman, I'm all in.

However, the moment she displays a red flag of any sort (not just infidelity related, but ANYTHING that could be trouble down the road), I immediately begin to shut down. I mean instantly...I can literally feel my feelings for the person begin to vanish right away.

If the issue isn't resolved quickly, I reach an apathetic state and that's it. Goodbye. Couldn't care less. Next!

I recently dumped a woman I'd been seeing for about 4 months because she had boundary issues, and my reaction followed this same pattern. Of course her boundary issues weren't going to be fixed any time soon, so I went straight to the "See ya" stage. I really cared about her, but in the span of a day or two I reached a point where breaking up with her was as emotionless as doing the dishes. I even faked a little emotion so she wouldn't feel worse than she already did.

My question is: What the hell is up with me? I feel like this could be a tremendous defense mechanism when it's called for...imagine being able to block out heartache at will...but it could also be a detriment to an otherwise healthy relationship.

So...healthy, baggage, or neurotic?

I could be wrong (Lord knows I am on a daily basis) but I think men are more emotionally unattached than women. There is probably nothing wrong with you other than the fact that you are a man.

Do you mind telling us what the boundary issues were? My inquisitive mind has to wrap my head around the whole story.

She was far too close to her ex husband, for one. Having him over for dinner, having long talks with him about non-child related issues, exchanging Christmas presents...yep, you read that right.

Then there was an ex-fiance' she was "confiding" in without telling me, until she fessed up when she received a phone call while I was standing next to the phone, and I could see who was calling. That was it for me. I was gone immediately...physically and emotionally.

WISDOM!

You have grown WISE and have developed a better picker because you know what lies ahead if you aren't careful.

Continue being as choosy as possible! Carry on!

Krazy71,

More like you are now aware, and don't want to live in another 3 way or is it 4 way marriage. If she is doing this after 4 MONTHS!, that's when you are still supposed to be all giddy about the newness of it all, you dodged a bullet and threw the hand grenade out of your fox hole.

I take it she had already started to lie to you?

Were you honest with her about why you broke up?

God Bless
Gamma

With all these red flags, I think it would have been a better question to ask what is wrong with you if you HADN'T broke it off.

Your vision is much more clear, because of your wisdom.

Give yourself the credit and give yourself a pat on the back.

Good job Krazy.

I don't get the keeping in touch with the ex thing. If we could still be friends, we probably could have worked it out you know? I hate conversing with my ex and you can tell he hates conversing with me. I agree with all the above remarks about wisdom. It would be wonderful if said women could get emotionally unattached as quickly as you did.

Thanks all!

I will look at my ability as a gift. A superpower.

Oh, and Gamma, I didn't give her detailed explanation about boundaries. I just told her that she erased my trust in her, and knowing my past, she should've known better.

How does one get these superpowers you speak of?

I suggest also seeing how receptive they are to POJA. Will they be willing to start this process while dating.

As always ... save the SF for after marriage. It diludes all rational and makes the situation far worse.

Dr. Harley suggests when dating you start as a freeloader, then move to renter, and then progress to Buyer upon marriage.

It is okay if they start out a freeloader, but you shouldn't stay there long. Both of you should move to renter.

Boundaries are a must. Pick the ones who will protect you and protection starts with boundaries.

The whole closeness with ex husband & ex boyfriend is definately someone with poor boundaries. My ex and I was at our childrens award ceremony and barely talked. He sat and conversated with the children. Krazy, you did what was right.

Also, if you don't already have BUYERS, RENTERS & Freeloaders, you may want to get it. They have have it on CD.

Call me passive-aggressive, but I have no desire to introduce someone I'm dating to Dr. Harley's philosophies.

I'd much rather sit back and analyze them...find out what type of person they are, and choose to be. If it would take the teachings of Dr. Harley to get them squared away, then screw 'em, I'll pass.

I'm not going to buy a new car that needs repairs.

But Krazy if they are uneducated on Dr. H's philosophy wouldn't you want to help them?

I wish someone would have shown me to this school, instead of the school of hard knocks.

Not everyone was born with this wisdom. Even Dr. H himself has said he is prone to affairs if he didn't have boundaries.

Why wouldn't you want to share your wisdom?

After what I've been through, I wouldn't knowingly enter into a relationship with someone who doesn't already have healthy boundaries in place. That's just me.

Krazy, here is how I would address that. I agree you shouldn't be shopping with the idea of changing someone, but you want someone who is receptive to the principles of Marriage Builders. For example, of course you want someone who believes in radical honesty and does not believe in maintaining "friendships" with old lovers and hanging out in bars. Those are all things that lead to a happy marriage.

The way I would present this is to say there are certain things you want in a marriage, and they are to be found in Marriage Builders. Ask that prospect what she thinks about those concepts? If she rejects them all then you will know to CUT LINE right there, because it would be impossible to have a safe, happy marriage with someone who maintains sloppy martial boundaries.

After all, you are interviewing for a wife. You HAVE to know her philosophy about marriage in order to make a good, informed decision. If you are interviewing someone for a job you have to know how they feel about working overtime, getting along with coworkers, etc to discern thier qualifications. A marriage partner is the same way. You have to know her philosophy of marriage.

You should go check in with the poster, optimism, because he has done this very thing with his fiance. He screened her views about marriage and they are reading MB together and practicing the principles NOW.

I totally agree and like Melodylane says you're interviewing and with this vast amount of wisdom.

I also agree that there are deal breakers and commend you for staying strong to that.

Just believe you can point them to the light as you're walking away. Whether they use it or not is on the, but at least you're teaching them from your wisdom. I know you can't change them bcuz they can only change themselves. I also agree you should never be with someone in hopes they change. Women make this mistake all the time.

How you do it is up to your creativity. One of Dr. Harley's articles posted on her facebook on boundaries might be a little extreme.

I'm sure happy Dr. H has chosen to share his wisdom.

I've always been the same as you Krazy, and I like to consider myself normal. After my divorce, I developed a strong aversion to drama or complications, so I tended to run away from it whenever I saw it, no matter how "nice" the gal might have been. I think that approach served me well .

I love a ballot.

You are probably a much nicer person than I am. Frankly, once I done in the relationship, I don't care if she ever learns another thing. My involvement in her life is over.

I hear you about once you're done you're done. That my friend, is excellent boundaries.

Have you ever had an interview and not get the job? Wonder why I didn't get it?
Then have some feedback as to why you didn't get the job. When this happened to me I'm glad to know and am that much more wise.

My initial question was supposed to be more general, and less about that one relationship. I was worried about boundaries becoming walls, I guess.

Answer: Walls are better than blobs of jelly.

A good boundary keeps out the bad, not the good.

Well I definitely think to you're first question is that you're normal.

I'm curious how you think a boundary could be a wall? Boundaries are a good thing.

I agree that breaking it off was the good thing to do, and I also agree with ML's input. If I was interested in someone, I would certainly want to know their take on MB's principles, because quite frankly, if they differ there, I'm not interested.

Nothing wrong with your not feeling anything when you break up either...you know what you want, that's not it, end of it. You were able to put it in a little box, which women find a hard thing to do, we have emotions that get in the way and confuse/blur things sometimes, but most of the time, that is just something we have to deal with, quite honestly, I think men are lucky they don't have so much emotion.

I do NOT look at it as trying to fix a new car, however. No people are perfect, we all have learning to do, and a discussion about MBs is not fixing something that's broke, it's just learning, which is healthy. There is some free thinking out there that it's good and commendable to remain friends with exes...some of us have learned differently, but this is something we can share with others and help them understand the "why" not. I have learned the hard way. One "ex" kept making a play for me every now and then, it was inappropriate timing and NOT going to happen in my books, so better not to have remained friends at all. Another "ex" I actually enjoy him very much but there's no way in hell I'd want a relationship with him ever again and will not let it cross a line...but then I'm not looking to date or get married again and if life surprises me otherwise, this friendship would be history in short order. The same would be true if he were dating, but he's not...he's someone I like but he has too much baggage to ever reconsider him. As far as XHs go, I think it's important not to cast them in a bad light to your kids, but I don't think you need to get together for barbeques either. Once you're in a dating relationship with someone else, I don't think you should be confiding in an ex, and really, why would you, anyway!

My best friend growing up had parents who divorced when he was really young. They did almost everything together but were divorced. It was weird but really cool for the kids becuase so much of their life was intertwined. The mom got remarried and the dad had a long term GF. Neither of those relationships lasted though.

That doesn't sound cool for the kids; it sounds heartbreaking. If the parents could have got along so well, why couldn't they have worked out their marriage? And do you think the kids must have been hoping for a reconciliation the whole time? The parents must have been giving them hope that this could happen. That must have been hard when it never did.

My vote goes with weird!!!

I don't think I've ever heard of divorce as described as "cool", heart-wrenching is more like it!

Phoenix, I hope you are just throwing this in here off-hand. I hope you don't view this situation as one you would be interested in emulating.
There are MUCH better situations than this smoke-and-mirrors scenario.
It's not good for kids to grow up thinking divorce is cool. This approach destroys their view of the sanctity and security of family; with this as a model, they are likely to promote it in their own lives and on-and-on it goes for generations. Other negatives follow in a crazy, unpredictable situations.

I have much higher hopes for you and your family, Twenty. Marriage is for real.

opt

G'day Krazy,

Based on what you mentioned later in the thread, i.e. about her having her ex husband over for dinner, well..... I would throw her in the trash just like you did.

Good on ya!

a
But when you are interviewed and you aren't hired, they may or may not tell you why they aren't interested, but they certainly aren't going to try to train you if they haven't hired you. If they have hired and your performance suffers, then they will try to improve your performance with coaching.