Well I am at a loss, I think I have run out of ways to get my husband to understand how frustrated I am. I have thought of moving out if anything to save my sanity. I wrote a letter I plan on giving him tonight as talking to him seems not to be working. I appreciate any and all advice, on what I wrote, please be free to edit it or tell me if I am making selfish demands, love busters you name it I am all ears, or should I say eyeballs. Thanks in advance HERE IS THE LETTER

Hi Hun, I felt like writing this out because talking face to face has not seemed to work, I hope you don't mind. First of all I understand you are under a lot of stress at work and have had a stressful job for the time we have been married, and I have tried hard not to be an added burden to you. You are an excellent provider, maybe a bit stingy with money but I do understand where you are coming from and do not hold that against you, I am so proud of the success you have had in your career. Your children and I have more than enough to eat and a warm home to call ours.

As you know I have felt we have become detached since the birth of our son eighteen years ago, I now realize your needs differ greatly from mine. I get great joy out of doing little things to please you like (sexually, making your special dinners, getting you up in the morning, making your lunches and having your things ready for work) believe it or not I even think it is important for you to have a few hours to yourself in the evening and weekends for your nap or to go out with the guys, or TV. Just not all weekend and all night.

I am more than appreciative that you can now say I love you and hug me after all these years that was a major step and it really makes my day.

Hon this has been a long marriage for me with chronic patterns of unhappiness, I feel like we are in a rut, I know I have made my fair share of mistakes and have been working hard to fix our marriage but it takes two. This letter is not a who is wright and who is wrong letter because there is no wright or wrong just me feeling that you do not understand the lack of communication, intimacy and affection has been unbearable.

I know I alone am responsible for my own happiness an have taken giant steps to keep my mind off the marriage but there are many times I feel alone and depressed even when we are together. I do not want to nag you the last thing I ever wanted to be was a nag but I also do not want to see you as selfish and resent you. If I continue to resent you I will be forced to stop having sex, but the way things have been sex with no intimacy all these years has made me feel not as a wife but as a prostitute.

I really want to love you as I did before the children were born and have worked hard for you to understand my frustration. I do not want to end up another divorce statistic for something I see that can be so easily fixed. All I am asking for is respect, appreciation and support a tiny bit of affection, add some foreplay and be considerate of my feelings, a kind word here and there, a small gesture believe me I am as receptive as a puppy and would appreciate any or all of these things. Are these not the things that I give to you?

Anyway as said before I don't want to continue to beg but also cannot continue to keep quiet. I will continue to pray that you can learn not to be oblivious to my needs and not get what I have been saying for eighteen years just before some moment of crisis such as illness or myself moving out.


Your Wife and Mother of Your Children.

tired, this is the first post that I've read from you about your own situation. I have read some posts to others. But I don't know a lot about your situation.

Have you tried the MB Basic Concepts? Identified your love busters, identified your H's top ENS and how you would be enthusiastic about meeting them, gotten O&H in everyday matters?

Hi yes did the EN thing sorta, he thought it was really silly. He did write down his needs are sex and sexual stuff, cant say it on here. Better communication, if he attempts to live up to my expectations his words and they are not meeting my requirements to tell him at the time or otherwise how would he know. So I do because we only talk about five or ten minutes a day while the rest of the night is dedicated to what he wants. Also he wants to be able to go to golf, hockey or work late without me complaining that we never do anything together. Thats all I got he seems pretty simple.

Did you read the basic concepts and did he fill out the LB questionnaire for you or just the EN questionnaire?

Those 5 or 10 minutes - how are they spent? Who all is there, etc.?

Yes did that one Monday to Friday was all the same, Dinner no talking and TV or he goes out, weekends sports and more sports one day he did not say a word or move for nine hours watching racing, how anyone can drink so much pop and not have to pee is mind boggling. I stay home with the children when he is out or watch him watch TV, stewing but not trying to rock the boat. As for things changing he says things are really better, since do not complain now about his going out, I go out during the day while he is at work and the kids are at school. He says things are really great he is really racking in the only problem things are better for just him.

So what you're saying is that you've eliminated all his LBs and are fulfilling his top ENs but he is not reciprocating.

Why do you suppose there is no talking at dinner? Do you attempt to make conversation, or are you possibly frustrated and leaving that part up to him maybe?

Have you asked him to read the article,Why Women Leave Men?

Or would you be afraid that he would think you're going to leave if you gave it to him?

What are you doing just for you lately? Have you thought about taking a bubble bath while he watches TV, doing your nails, etc., rather than sitting there angry?

We talk the children and I my husband eats and says thanks sometimes or that was good and thats it. This is the way he is, he is like that in the morning will not say a word till he has his coffee and he just mumbles good morning, not a morning person, if you do talk its yes and no answers. He does not talk to the children " scratch that rarely talks to the children, does not take much interest in them or their interests" sorta thinks its a mothers role, or try to make conversation with his parents so its not just me. He is great, Mr personality with the people he works with just not so great with the people that love him. It like he takes us all for granted.

Do I think he would leave? No he has it made I do not think any other women in her right mind that did not have his children would put up with him for very long. I hate the way he treats his mother that should have been a red flag for me.

As for taking a bath and doing my nails, yes I do all of that, I even bought really expensive books that I have always wanted and read those to keep busy.


Like I said his EN are a bit different than mine, sure he loves the affection, attention, admiration etc.. but he will never say so and hardly if ever says thank you. Not exactly a good role model for the children. His other need is space when and how long he wants it. So my complaining or even making suggestions would be a LB to him.

Good to see your post. I just wanted to give you an affirmation that you are not alone. If you read my thread, you would know I have very similar feelings. For me, sex felt more like a rape. I would feel violated and I would sometimes get physically ill.

I don’t recommend stop having sex with your husband. I went down that path, and it created more issues. For me it simply diverted my sexual desire towards other men. And while I would never have an affair, the sexual thoughts towards other men are unhealthy.

I would recommend having your husband do the emotional needs questionnaire. I am in that process at this very moment. That process may also help you learn of areas you get better help meet your husband’s emotional needs.

So, I would actually recommend that you re-write the letter with more of a focus that you love him and are dedicated to the marriage. Then you could say that since you love him you want to be able to meet his emotional needs and there is a good questionnaire that can help.

That is the approach I took with my husband (which I learned from reading this site). I didn’t make any demands or complain, I simply said that I love him and I want to improve myself so I can make him happier. He was quite receptive. In fact, he immediately asked if I could fill out a similar questionnaire so he could see how he could better meet my emotional needs. Luckily, I just HAPPENED to have one ready for him. :-)

If your husband is like mine, he probably would have shut down emotionally if I would have told him that he needs to make some improvements and, by the way, here is a questionnaire I expect him to complete. He probably would have been resentful and quickly completed the questionnaire just to pacify me.

So if I were you, I would write him a letter telling how you adore him and are crazy about him. Then mention that you feel like you do worry that you might not be meeting some of his emotional needs, and would he be so kind to complete this questionnaire? I bet you he will react like my husband and ask if you can also fill out a questionnaire concerning your emotional needs.

Hi no sex never felt like rape more like I was a prostitute, he is not much in the way of meeting my needs for intimacy " you know work me up before the main event, more like he has his fill and should I leave her the bank card?" If if felt like rape I think that would be a different issue.

Anyways your right about telling them anything negative any hint your unhappy and they regress, push you away. As I mentioned my husband is pig headed maybe not in so many words. He knows how to please me knows what I need just for some reason bring himself to do it for what ever reason. I don't think he is retarded but boy oh boy sometimes I get that impression, also the impression that he is so spoiled and selfish has a huge ego so big that he wonders why in the world is she complaining, making suggestions I am perfect. I don't know, anyway about the letter yes you have a point, I am fearful of making an LB, but putting on a slinky outfit and writing him a how great he is letter might set me back again, been down that road. Confused......

Well...I think I would read up on negotiating. I think that's something you might benefit from. Read up on giver and taker. Do searches on it. Maybe something will pop up. Or start another thread on those topics.

Sounds like you're resenting being the giver all the time. The LB book talks about that. You need to find some sort of balance there.

For instance, you'll be happy to cook his favorite meal once a week if he starts taking the kids for ice-cream once a week, or something like that. It gives him time with the kids, and gets them out of your hair for a little while.

Decide what, exactly, you want out of the relationship, and start negotiating.

My situation is different in that I have had sexual issues most of my life. I won’t go into details because all of that is on a thread I started. This thread is about you, not me.

Have you ever enjoyed sex with your husband? Do you currently enjoy sex with your husband? Do you think it is a technique problem or an emotional problem?

I would think that if you have emotional issues with your husband (such as you are resentful of the lack of time he gives you), that those issues would derail the quality of sex. Meaning, even if he did spend more time in foreplay, it still would not be sexually satisfying.

I am also curious is your sexual desire still high? Do your sexual thoughts ever involve other me?

I ask, because while our situations are different, there are some common themes.

Hi yes read that the giver and taker and agree with the premise. I think right now the only thing I am having trouble with is negotiating with him like you said, he sometimes seems open to suggestions but it will go in one ear and slowly creep out the other. Trying not to LB but I also not to remain a doormat.

I read a post about doing a 180 does anyone know what that is and would that help?

Lets just say I would enjoy sex a hole lot more if my husband was more aware of my emotional needs. As for sex itself sure I enjoy it with him as long as I am not over tired and its not all about him.

For the longest time I do not think he knew that women climaxed so he had his fun and was done. It took me awhile to teach him that sex can be just a enjoyable for women as for men. Well I taught grasshopper well, he still has a bad habit of forgetting that I am not an appliance and to make sure my needs were met, but he is getting better. I think he does not get the fact that he would not have to work so hard to please me in bed and it would be faster if he gave me kisses and touches before, you know like hours before the main event.

Wow sometimes I think was easier to potty train three children that it is for men to retain information. Just a vent.

Negotiating(Also note there is an entire forum on Negotiating if you need specific input.)

Thanks for the info, when he gets home tonight I will hold off on the letter and try working on negotiating with him. Its funny men think women are so complicated and hard to please when really we are not such a mystery if they would just listen.

Well, if he is improving that is good news!

Jenny any progress has been slow and painful its very hard to stay optimistic. I wish you the best luck and hope things work out with your husband he seems to have the affectionate thing down just, you just have to work on your sexual issues it seems. Well you have a great day thanks for letting me spill my guts. Day all.

Just my .02, but I think you and jenny would both benefit from really making full use of this website. Check out the Q&A columns about desire and sexuality. Very interesting indeed. Read the article I mentioned before about why women leave men. Casually leave it laying around... There's a ton of information here, and it's all free. Tell yourself that you'll spend 30 to 60 minutes on here daily, and maybe by 2012 you'll get through it all.

I'm not sure how old you are or how long you've been married. I'm 45 and married 19 years. What I'm finding is that men really do better if they are asked point blank to do something specific, preferably starting small. If you beat around the bush and expect them to read your mind - it'll either never happen or they'll pretend they don't understand.

Pieta can really give you hints on how to do this effectively. She should teach a course on it, truthfully, and the sad part is that it really is kind of elementary. You use your womanly wiles to get what you want. Period. Use what G*d gave ya.

My apologies for any men out there who are offended.

Hi I am 39 and he is 41 married 19 years my husband said the same thing he is not a mind reader. Well I said it would be nice if you wanted to watched six hours of TV a night maybe just put your arm around me, or ask me what I am reading, you know show that you know I am in the same room and not avoiding me. I would bring him drinks, snacks and make small talk and he would just sit there like a bag of potatoes. I think I got a dud and want a new model

It also sounds to me like you're letting this situation be this way. By that, I mean you are nearly silent about what you're not getting. Even when you discuss it, you don't discuss it in a way that you both reach a POJA wherein he gets it and realizes it's very important for him to pay attention.

So you say your gripe, wait for him to 'change', and when he doesn't, you feel more sorry for yourself. You make yourself a victim. Which can make you feel good, but it doesn't solve anything.

What that means is that you have to determine what you're willing to put up with. If you can live like this the rest of your life, do so. But if you have to see change, then start working on that change. But remember, this is YOUR change we're talking about, since you can't make him want to do anything.

Your change can involve things like telling him you need more alone time so you need him to watch the baby for 2 hours every Saturday while you run errands. Ask him which two hours would be most convenient for him, and then starting doing it! In other words, don't let him get away with agreeing but never getting around to doing it. You'll have to take the initiative to ensure he lives up to his word, probably.

But once you set some needs/results in place and follow through a few times, they may start being incorporated into your normal life.

No no. You just need to soup up the old one.

If you want him to put his arm around you, just ask him nicely. "Honey, could you put your arm around me? I'm cold." Then just casually maneuver your body so that his hand is in a place that will get his attention.

It can lead to things. And that give you leverage for maybe a back or foot rub first.

Dang - Where is Pieta when we need her?

You can also begin to give statements that lead to other things, such as: "I started reading this really interesting book the other day." And then stop. See if you have his attention. "It's about this woman and this man and....yadda, yadda."

You also need to start being more active in conversations where he is not already distracted, such as over dinner rather than when he's watching TV. Tell yourself that the dinner conversation will not be about the relationship or asking him to do anything. It's just going to be pleasant. Tell him what the kids are up to, etc. Get the kids to talk to him, tell him about their day. Try to engage him. Make it a habit to initiate conversation between everyone else.

Well I will try it tonight if I so help me get a foot rub ever from my dearest bag of potatoes "I mean husband" I think I would drop dead from shock. Thanks again.

I know you probably meant that tongue-in-cheek. But it is easy to progress from jokingly saying such a thing to having more serious thoughts about it. At least that is what happened in my case. That is why I asked you if you were sexually attracted to other men. I went down that road and it is a bad road to go down.

Well, it's worth a try. You just never know until you do.

To Cat you may be right that at times I am too silent, and just give up, throw up my hands and say forget it. I feel that after nineteen years of marriage I have become like a broken record, I feared that If I have to keep telling him to do things that please me its bothering him and when he does it its robotic and not natural. I doubt I have any aspirations of being the victim as you mentioned if that were the case then he has left a trail of us victims, like his children, his parents his siblings his extended family. Until he sees the benefits of himself putting in effort to please others then he does not see any point in trying in the least to show attention or affection to people that care about him.

Jenny as for your question no I have no interest what so ever regarding other men, I have invested so much time and energy in to this one I if it does not work out I may become a nun.

I guess I didn't explain myself properly. What I was trying to say is that you control your actions. If you're not getting what you need, it's up to you to change the dynamics. No, you can't make him suddenly care about other people, but remember that you can't read his mind. You don't really know why he is like that, so making assumptions is dangerous and damaging.

Like they say, if you keep doing the same thing and getting the same result...so stop doing the same thing!

Having boundaries means that you determine what you're willing to accept, and if someone crosses one of those boundaries, you have a response waiting. It could be one of a million things, and will depend on y'all's relationship. But until you're willing to set those boundaries - and live or die by them - you'll continue to keep getting the same thing, the same result. Right?

"Honey, when we have dinner, I feel like I'm having dinner by myself. I try to start conversations, but you have yet to engage in those conversations, for whatever reason. So I'm getting more and more upset and distant. And I don't want to be like that; it's not healthy for our marriage, and it makes me afraid that I'm going to reach a point where I stop caring about you. So I'd like to discuss with you a way that we can reach some sort of compromise. Can you tell me first why you don't like to talk at dinner? Maybe it's something I'm doing, and I can stop doing it! Whatever it is, we can find a way to get both of our needs met, if we work together on it. What do you think?"

I'm sure there's a better way to say that, but you get the idea.

To Cat what your saying is perfectly acceptable I have tried that, and he hears blah blah blah, complain, complain, and surly his male brain is starting to questions how many times a women has her time of month. I know it is bad to assume what he is thinking but that is all I have. I talk and he closes himself off the last thing I want my husband to feel like is a failure and like I am LB to an early grave. I have run out of ideas, I am tossed between seducing him as a way to get what I need or begging or bribing or shutting down. No matter what I do how long I do it for the outcome is the same. This guy is one tough cookie and I am at a loss.

Then that's when you bring in the boundaries and consequences. Doing this with a spouse who doesn't interact is a tough one, but it can be done if you're creative enough.

Here's an example. Not a great one - and I've been chastized here for non-MB behavior, but then, my H wasn't participating in MB anyway. But bottom line, it worked.

I do all the housework, H does part of outside. I told him that I was stressed, I needed some help. I asked him to pick one chore that he could take off my shoulders. He refused. I said that I'd have to find some way on my own, then. I guess he thought that meant I'd just work harder. So instead of just accepting that and remaining miserable, I decided that, if he wouldn't take one thing off my to-do list, I'd take one off myself. So I stopped washing his clothes.

After a couple weeks of him getting increasingly frustrated as his clean clothes disappeared, he angrily asks me why I stopped washing his clothes. I calmly reminded him of his refusal to help. Then I said 'I just figured that since you couldn't decide to help me with anything, and I had to let go of something so that I wasn't working 8 hours every night when I get home, I'd stop washing your clothes. That way, I've helped you find something to help me with.'

So he started attending to things around the house that had needed done for years. And I started washing his clothes again.

ETA. What you're saying is that you say something and then you're assuming what he thinks of you. May or may not be true. But the point is, you have to stop making how he feels your bellwether on whether or not you move forward with what you need.

Him thinking you're nagging, or whatever, is HIS choice. YOUR choice is to tell him you can no longer live with a particular situation, and here's what you're going to do about it - unless of course he wants to brainstorm with you on a better way for you to get what you need. Because one way or another, you WILL get what you need. He's getting what HE needs, so it's only fair that you do, too.

You have to change this stance of yours, and start looking at it as though you are equal and you have just as much right to your needs as he does.

What I'm trying to say is you need to do this thing in a proactive way - a discussion about how things will have to change, not a discussion about how you feel. Cos we all know those get you nowhere. It sucks, but it will have to be YOU taking the steps to change your dynamics.

Oh, and go get a little book from the library called The Dance of Anger. It covers exactly what you're going through.

Cat thank you for that, I am so happy to see it worked out for you. I was thinking the only time he really showed any attention to me on his own was when I was too tired for sex when the children were babies. My sex drive went back to normal right after they slept threw the night but he went to his old ways. He seems to still hold a grudge from that and I have explained that I was stressed, the babies all had colic and it did not help that I was forced to sleep on the sofa down stairs seven days a week so he could get his rest.

Do you think it would be a bad thing to say listen dear husband I love you but this marriage is draining me emotionally and I need you need to do x y and z for me because " reasons fill in blank" to put out from now on ? I do not like the idea of with holding sex really because it is that one time that we are physical. What do you think?

I will check out the book first thing, maybe if anything he will start to take notice of all the marriage books I have been reading. I feel like shaking him to wake him up sometimes if I had the strength I think I would.

I think that as long as you are being respectful and honest, you need to tell him how you feel. Just as you need for him to tell you how HE feels. You have to be careful, though, not to make it a blamefest.

Logical, analytical discussion of things that are going on in the marriage that are affecting either or both of you. Of possible consequences of those things. Of concerns you have. Of needs you have that aren't being met - but welcome a discussion with him about it; make sure you're not just telling him how things need to be, but rather how things are affecting you, and can we work out a solution together?

O.k checked out the book and got some great reviews so I will pick it up this weekend. I can see that I put him first and hold in my anger to the point that I am stewing in my own juices "not healthy". He did not care because your right his needs are met and I have not been assertive enough to make my case, for fear of him pushing me away farther. I have to get over how he will react to my requests because obviously I have been getting no place and my needs are not unusual or extreme or going to go away. He is not getting off the hook anymore this not going to be when or if or but and one hundred excuses discussion, with any blame or pointing of fingers. Thanks Cat.

OMG, Soolee, Catperson, Jennydream, and Earsopen it is official the sky is falling. Last night my husband picked me up after work, I went to the gym and went grocery shopping and went out to get the book Cat recommended " I am half way into the book and it is very well written and your right, it suits my situation .

Well I was in a good mood when he picked me up, and he seemed to be tired and moody " I know, I know its bad to assume" so I just gave him his space. The rest of the night seemed to be the same me reading, the children off doing there own thing and him having his nap and watching TV. So I made an attempt to snuggle but I seemed to be bothering him. So I picked up my book and said in a pleasant voice " I am going upstairs to read" he asked "why" I said "because your in a mood not sure what mood your in but I can be mad by it and be lonely down stairs and read or I can let you have your mood and time and read upstairs and hopefully you will snap out of it, I do not want to argue"

He thought about it and said " just stay down stares and read in a more pleasant tone. So I did, I lay across from him on the sofa and he, he, he did the most unthinkable thing he grabbed my feet and rubbed them. No word of a lie I almost fell off the sofa but did not make a big deal out of it because I did not want it to stop. I must of read the same paragraph of the book about ten times over again because I was so shocked. After he stopped I gave him a big romantic kiss and said thank you. The rest of the night i gave him his space and was able to finish the chapter before we headed up to bed, and I was able to model some little things I had purchased a few months back IT WAS A GREAT NIGHT FOR BOTH OF US!!! despite is being overtired that day.

Thanks again guys for your advice and I will keep working on myself. Have a great day all have I really have to keep busy.

tired, that's great! I'm actually having the same sort of weekend. For the first time in a decade, I spoke up and made him think about the fact that he's the only one being satisfied. It really threw him. I too got a foot massage, and body massage! And my H actually hung up laundry, the second time in 30 years I've seen him do that!

Just like the book says, I have been making every effort to be affectionate to him (big EN) to show him how much I appreciate what he's doing. Things are going SO much better!

The key? Being honest. Telling spouse that we're not getting what we need. I've been reading it for a year now here, and just finally getting the nerve to say so, and it is working miracles. That, and following the book by reciprocating so he feels appreciated and loved.

Good work!

Wow Cat thats terrific I think things are looking up for me as well, yesterday I cleaned up the house and while I was cleaning out the freezer he came up behind me pulled me up spun me round and gave me a kiss and hug! I was shocked and please and said WOW. I went out for a few hours for me time and to pick up a few things I forgot to get, and when I got home he had cleaned the oven! Its self cleaning and I do hate doing it because it smokes up the house so doing it while I was out is a a big deal and I made sure he new I appreciated it. Then I noticed to place I sit to relax he put water bottles and new candles.

So after thanking him and giving him a warm kiss, I made a really nice dinner, surf and turf, it took me hours and never once bothered him while he was watching his sports and having his nap. Also had another good night if you get what I am saying.

Really enjoyed the book Cat good for all relationships it does warn that that things could revert back if one partner or person does not like the new so I have to expect that also, to take things slow all good advice. Have a great day Cat and all.

Tired, I am so happy for you! That is an awesome book. I am so glad to see you have such a joyful weekend

Just an update to all those that posted on my thread with their own experiences and or advice that gave me some hope again a thank you.

Well my week so far has been going awesome, I have made some serious changes and have dropped a lot of things from my to do list that was doing my marriage harm and I feel much more free and in control of myself than I have since before we were married.

We are connecting again (and I am taking baby steps) I can now see that in the past I have bitten off more than I am willing or capable of chewing without feeling resentment, and am now focusing on myself and how to make me feel good. This does not mean that I have abandon my family, no, nothing of the sort because as I see it being giving and nurturing is a big part of who I am. I just am not responsible for everyones happiness and deserve to be treated with the same kindness, respect and care that I show.

I have put the past behind me, its not that I will not think of all the bad things that have happened before but I will not let it affect the choices I will make now its not that I will forget the past and sometimes this things will pop into my mind but to ether brush the bad aside if they are not productive thoughts. I will tell dearest husband, children etc when I am feeling abused and neglected or walked on at the time with care of my wording to make sure my message is being understood. I make the choice to what I am willing to accept me and only me and If I accept it its my own fault.

I am trying to be more understanding that my husband does not think and feel the way I do, this kinda reminds me of my brother when he was little and when he went to school the first day he came home and said " o.k I went to school and now I am done right?" I think I hit home to my husband when I said that I need more affection and certain things everyday or at least more consistently not just when he wants something, and that these feeling have always been there and will never go away, this is not a passing fad. Guess what he is actually showing more affection!!

He still watches way to much tv and I have said so, I still want to put my foot threw it, but I am being more receptive to his needs for space and down time. I realize if I want more family time or more one on one time with dear husband, I am going to have to start making the plans for now until he feels more confident in it, so its bowling for all this Sunday and I am planing a romantic dinner for just the two of us next week.

Well thanks again guys, I am feeling much more positive than ever these days. Have a great weekend all.

Hi tired, thanks so much for coming back to share your success. It gives me hope to read that

Hi Ears open, believe me when I say I almost lost hope, at the end of my rope, it was pretty dark for a long time and I really could not see any light at the end of this dark tunnel. I hope all is good for you and your family I would really love to hear your story or experiences.

I have read almost every book about relationships and thought I tried just about everything. The truth was this was not my husbands fault if anything the problems in my relationships were all of my own doing "I created a monster". I have taken a little from this and that book and have applied all the positive ideas that are not silly and manipulative and they seem to be helping. Most books have the same base (fix yourself) I think I just needed to hear that and have it drilled into my head just one more time, so thats what I have been doing and will continue to do.


I married a good man a kind, funny talented, rational person logical all the things that I admire and he married a passionate, loving, giving, funny, talented and free spirit. When things were dark we forget those good qualities ever existed because we are so focused of the negative, blaming, resentment, building up walls. My problems is I just accepted the negative and eventually created a cycle and it was building momentum and I sustained it. I lost sight of who I was and what my goals and needs were. I was asking him to break the cycle but he too had accepted the way things were so it was left to me and if I want to save my marriage had to do it ( end the stalemate ).

I know I have a lot of work to do and know now my husband loves me, changing and growing will be difficult but its needed to be done. I am going to take it day by day and remember there will be bumps in the road but to stay focused and remain positive. You have a great day and all the best to you.

Tired, that is so true. I keep reminding myself that I can choose my focus, that I can choose my perspective. I like the expression "Be the lighthouse." I can't be a lighthouse to myself or anyone else, including my kids that I am responsible for, when I am crashing into rocks and churning in the waves below. I need to remind myself that the hand back up is always still there, when I'm ready to get back up. I am grateful that I can come here and IRL spend time with folks making choices from integrity, regardless of what the weather is like today.

I have a long thread, "Am I Off Track," with my story, and the great perspective, the hand back up, that I've been offered, in different ways, time and again. I have a lot to be grateful for. And today, I can even see it I hope that you have a great weekend, too

Thanks Ears, I will take a read when my husband wants some of his me time, I am going to have a good day today ( I will chose not to be tired and Angry today ) Its so nice to get the weight of others off my shoulders. Take Care Ears.

I know that this post was submitted several years ago, but it has been very helpful because I had just gotten done writing my letter of complaints for my husband. Thank goodness I read this or I wouldve given it to him last night! Mind you I'm experiencing the extact same thing that 'tiredandangry' was/is going through.

Well I took the advice 'Soolee' gave and printed the EN questionaire for my husband to fill out. When he got back from a basketball game at 730pm I handed it to him and said, "fill this out for me,it's a workshop that were going to start doing." He laughed at my straight face and said, "ok I'll do it later. The next 10 min I remind him to do it and he says ok I'm going to do it,hold on. Then after 30 minutes he goes to play basketball with his friends,without even starting the questionaire. At 8:30pm I was sleep.
That morning we went to church, me pissed that he hadn't done the questionaire so we couldve talked last night. Before we even got in the car he says, "I'm tired of always having to drive, you drive." This pisses me off because of the tone he said it in. I attempt to have coversation with him about a friend,he hardly listens to me, and asks me to repeat an entire story. His excuse I was talking too low. I say nevermind the story. He complains of my driving the whole way. "Slow down,speed up,can't you see that sign." ugh. After church we get lunch with our annoying 2yr olds so we can't carry on conversation for having to scold them. After attemping to talk to him again he says I'm whispering and to repeat myself. Conversation is useless with him. I'm not having fun,I'm just eating.

We get home and I ask him to fill out the EN questionaire form now before I print him out some divorce forms in a joking way;) He laughs. 15 minutes later he's on the computer on espn. I remind him again and in the next 10 minutes he's asleep on the couch.

Why is this a joke to him and why does he feel like he has all day? We have children, unless they're sleep we have no time to seriously talk so why does he act like this is unimportant. What are my next steps?

P Diva

Go to Newsletters forum <~~~ LINK

And scroll down to find "When to call it quits" Part 1.
There are three parts. All can be found on the newsletters forum.

I hope this helps.

Welcome to MB, p_d.

My advices for now is for you to start your own thread. Piggybacking on someone else's thread, especially when it has been dead for three years, is not the best introduction to your situation.

In this forum, click "new topic" and give your thread a title. Then tell us what problems you have been having in your marriage, and how you tried to resolve them before you read about the EN questionnaire.

Was your marriage ever happy? Did the arrival of the children change that? Do you have twins? I think you are very lucky if so, but having just one child at a time put a strain on my marriage, so I dread to think what twins would have done to it.

Tell us more.

Maybe because you're using demands and disrespectful judgments (DJ) to force it on him.

I'm glad you posted this, Prisca, because I was thinking the same thing. P_D, maybe it's the way you've written your initial post. I'm looking forward to reading your thread when you get it started.

Thanks for such a quick response! I am about to start a new thread now. The title will be "1st attempt at repairing marriage: EN questionaire."

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2588878#Post2588878