When one spouse doesn't think there is a problem - 01/05/12 06:35 PM
Hello!
I have been reading the Marriage Builders site for months trying to save my dying marriage. My husband and I have been together for 7 years, married for almost 3. We have a son who is nearly 2. Over the past several months he has become indifferent and distant. He spends most of his time away from home; he comes home to shower, eat dinner, and sleep. He doesn't ever want to talk, do things together, or really even be with me other than to have sex. We do have a "date night" once a week, but he spends most of the time reading on his phone. I would prefer to have sex several times per week, but he is generally very firm in wanting sex only once per week. When we do have sex, though, it is generally fantastic.
I am constantly exhausted because I do everything: I work 40 hours a week, clean our home, cook dinner, do the laundry, do the budgeting, shop for groceries, do 90% of the care for our son. All I ask my husband to do is the dishes, and he will not do them. He lets them rot in the sink until our twice-monthly cleaning lady comes in and washes them.
My "love bank" has had a negative balance for months. Anytime I try to talk to my husband about my feelings, his initial response is anger, and then he refuses to continue the conversation. Generally, a week or so later he will start making small changes, such as making more time for me. He will put in just enough effort to get the "love bank" balance to zero, and then stop trying, and it goes negative again. I cannot tell you the last time there was a positive balance in my love bank.
I have tried to determine his emotional needs in order to meet them, but he is absolutely uncommunicative. I have tried asking him point blank, "What can I do differently, try doing, or stop doing, to make our relationship better?" He says there is nothing I can do. He says he is 100% happy in our relationship and he sees no need for change. This is ridiculous, I am not perfect and no marriage is ever really perfect, but he will not give me any guidance on where I can improve.
Last week I asked him to try marriage counseling with me. He became very angry. It blew up into a huge fight about his behavior; he thinks he does nothing wrong and that I should be perfectly happy with the way things are.
I do not know how I can make our marriage work by myself. I am currently trying the "Plan A/Plan B" of doing my best to meet his emotional needs for a month, and then moving out. I have found this very emotionally painful so far, giving him so much and getting nothing in return. I have been told by others that this plan is a terrible idea in my situation because it will only enable my husband to further take advantage of me.
I am lost, I have no idea what to do. Any advice is much appreciated.
I have been reading the Marriage Builders site for months trying to save my dying marriage. My husband and I have been together for 7 years, married for almost 3. We have a son who is nearly 2. Over the past several months he has become indifferent and distant. He spends most of his time away from home; he comes home to shower, eat dinner, and sleep. He doesn't ever want to talk, do things together, or really even be with me other than to have sex. We do have a "date night" once a week, but he spends most of the time reading on his phone. I would prefer to have sex several times per week, but he is generally very firm in wanting sex only once per week. When we do have sex, though, it is generally fantastic.
I am constantly exhausted because I do everything: I work 40 hours a week, clean our home, cook dinner, do the laundry, do the budgeting, shop for groceries, do 90% of the care for our son. All I ask my husband to do is the dishes, and he will not do them. He lets them rot in the sink until our twice-monthly cleaning lady comes in and washes them.
My "love bank" has had a negative balance for months. Anytime I try to talk to my husband about my feelings, his initial response is anger, and then he refuses to continue the conversation. Generally, a week or so later he will start making small changes, such as making more time for me. He will put in just enough effort to get the "love bank" balance to zero, and then stop trying, and it goes negative again. I cannot tell you the last time there was a positive balance in my love bank.
I have tried to determine his emotional needs in order to meet them, but he is absolutely uncommunicative. I have tried asking him point blank, "What can I do differently, try doing, or stop doing, to make our relationship better?" He says there is nothing I can do. He says he is 100% happy in our relationship and he sees no need for change. This is ridiculous, I am not perfect and no marriage is ever really perfect, but he will not give me any guidance on where I can improve.
Last week I asked him to try marriage counseling with me. He became very angry. It blew up into a huge fight about his behavior; he thinks he does nothing wrong and that I should be perfectly happy with the way things are.
I do not know how I can make our marriage work by myself. I am currently trying the "Plan A/Plan B" of doing my best to meet his emotional needs for a month, and then moving out. I have found this very emotionally painful so far, giving him so much and getting nothing in return. I have been told by others that this plan is a terrible idea in my situation because it will only enable my husband to further take advantage of me.
I am lost, I have no idea what to do. Any advice is much appreciated.