Hello!

I have been reading the Marriage Builders site for months trying to save my dying marriage. My husband and I have been together for 7 years, married for almost 3. We have a son who is nearly 2. Over the past several months he has become indifferent and distant. He spends most of his time away from home; he comes home to shower, eat dinner, and sleep. He doesn't ever want to talk, do things together, or really even be with me other than to have sex. We do have a "date night" once a week, but he spends most of the time reading on his phone. I would prefer to have sex several times per week, but he is generally very firm in wanting sex only once per week. When we do have sex, though, it is generally fantastic.

I am constantly exhausted because I do everything: I work 40 hours a week, clean our home, cook dinner, do the laundry, do the budgeting, shop for groceries, do 90% of the care for our son. All I ask my husband to do is the dishes, and he will not do them. He lets them rot in the sink until our twice-monthly cleaning lady comes in and washes them.

My "love bank" has had a negative balance for months. Anytime I try to talk to my husband about my feelings, his initial response is anger, and then he refuses to continue the conversation. Generally, a week or so later he will start making small changes, such as making more time for me. He will put in just enough effort to get the "love bank" balance to zero, and then stop trying, and it goes negative again. I cannot tell you the last time there was a positive balance in my love bank.

I have tried to determine his emotional needs in order to meet them, but he is absolutely uncommunicative. I have tried asking him point blank, "What can I do differently, try doing, or stop doing, to make our relationship better?" He says there is nothing I can do. He says he is 100% happy in our relationship and he sees no need for change. This is ridiculous, I am not perfect and no marriage is ever really perfect, but he will not give me any guidance on where I can improve.

Last week I asked him to try marriage counseling with me. He became very angry. It blew up into a huge fight about his behavior; he thinks he does nothing wrong and that I should be perfectly happy with the way things are.

I do not know how I can make our marriage work by myself. I am currently trying the "Plan A/Plan B" of doing my best to meet his emotional needs for a month, and then moving out. I have found this very emotionally painful so far, giving him so much and getting nothing in return. I have been told by others that this plan is a terrible idea in my situation because it will only enable my husband to further take advantage of me.

I am lost, I have no idea what to do. Any advice is much appreciated.

Hi mm9199, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry you are in such a bad situation. First off, have you ruled out an affair?

I think you are doing the right thing, but one thing I would add is to write him a love letter. Write him a letter telling him how unhappy you are and what it will take to make you happy again. Make sure you clearly express that your goal is a happy, romantic marriage where BOTH your needs are met.

But before you do that, I would absolutely rule out an affair.

I strongly doubt that he is having an affair, but based on his behavior, the thought has crossed my mind. However, I have seen no signs of an affair.

Ok, that is where I would start. I would either hire a PI to tail him for a couple of days and get some spyware on his phone and computer. Can you get to his phone? What about his phone bill?

I forgot to add that yesterday was the 2nd full day of Plan A and I already messed it up. I came home from work (it was his day off, and he was taking care of our toddler) to find that our toddler had vomited in his bed in the night. H did not clean up the toddler or the vomit. When it came time for toddler to nap, H simply brushed the dried chunks of vomit off the bed and put toddler in bed to nap. He didn't change the sheets or anything. I called him on this behavior, while still trying to be as respectful as possible. He responded angrily, said "Oh for f***s sake" and stormed out.

Dear mm9199,

you have to find out whether he is having an affair or not. You have to snoop. It just seems to me that he is getting his needs met elsewhere since he is out frequently and indifferent at home, plus the anger, this is very usual wayward behaviour.

There's a forum here called Operation Investigate to give you more ideas: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=71&page=1

Sounds as left there to set up a fight so he could storm off.

Get a real time gps for his car.

End of June last year I was in a very similar position. I posted here and got a valuable answer and comfort from jessitaylor. She predicted that I should give myself some 6 months to resolve the situation: one way or the other,since my husband is non-cooperative, but in the meantime I should try to apply Plan A/Plan B.
UP TO THAT POINT in time my life was miserable in such a way that my husband considered me almost as his maid and his love was measured by quality of my services. Poor, isn�t it? There was absolutely no way to make him aware that I and the kids suffer, for him there was no place for counselling or things like that.
Then I adapted the MB rules to my situation and possibilities, instantly abandoned all LB�s from my actions.
FROM THAT POINT in time life continued to be miserable, because it was still not a good marriage, but at least we were polite to each other. Looking back now, I�m aware that I really started to act like a maid or his employee, not because I wanted a kind of revenge , but because it was the only way for me to survive. I regrouped my forces to other things in life: kids, house, job and all other possible activities, but I didn�t have any emotional contact with my husband, because it would have hurt me.I got used to this life,miserable as it was. Did I hope for the better: honestly, I don�t know. The thing I DO know is that I have grown.I had no special issue to show or prove. I have found my piece and inner satisfaction.
After six (!) months my husband reacted.
One day he expressed a wish (with a deadly serious face) to talk. In short: he felt the change, he felt I was estranged, he didn�t understand me any more, he suspected I was cheating on him. I completely understand why. He even cried, then I explained him all my feelings and new changes. Strange, but I didn�t feel any special happiness due to the fact that he LISTENED me for the first time in his life. I was able to observe everything calmly and with a sort of pity.
What is the situation like now? It�s not so much that he was guilty and now I�m going to give him one more chance. I don�t look at things in such a way. It�s more as we were an old couple who have met after years of separation and start anew.
There are no more illusions, we know each other and we have both to be on alert for some old patterns of behavior.
I don�t say this is a universal recipe, no: every couple has to find their own way. In my opinion it is the change in minds that has to happen and the partner who is aware of the problem has to initiate this change. If you have enough patience, you will grow and develop. It�s up to your husband whether he wants or can follow that growth.
Patience

Hi branka, one thing I would suggest is that now that you have his attention, it is real important to propose a PLAN of recovery to him. Otherwise, you will just have peaceful co-existance at best and the status quo at worst. That is not success. Getting his attention is not the end goal, it is a step towards the goal.

Do you have the book, Fall in Love, Stay in Love? I would get that book and follow the program in there. The GOAL of Marriage Builders is not peaceful co-existance, but romantic, passionate love. That is what this program will achieve if you use it. BUT it has to be used in its entirety.

Good luck!

branka, one other suggestion after reading your initial post. Do you have the book Lovebusters? I would start with that book and read it with your husband. For example, let him read a chapter first and highlight anything that is important to him. You do the same in a different color highlighter. You can each read the key points of importance to each other.

Have you downloaded any of the questionaires on this site? Some good ones are the LB and EN questionaires.

And of course, none of these steps will make any difference without your undivided attention time. That is the step that makes it all work!

Thank you for this. It's an old post but it is very helpful. Thank you!